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I want to write, though I'm not sure what I want to write. I've noticed I feel better when I'm writing. I haven't tried to write any original fiction lately, but I haven't been interested in it anyway. I haven't been interested in reading recently, which is sad for me because it is typically one of my great loves. I haven't read a book in over a month, actually, which is incredibly rare for me. I haven't even been rereading anything or listening to any books in the car when I'm driving. I do read for school, of course, but those are articles mostly and some textbooks. It's not the same thing as a novel, and it's definitely not for fun. Reading the textbook is not relaxing, I can tell you that for sure. Some of the articles are pretty rough too. The reading is interesting, that's for sure. It's hard to be motivated to do anything right now, school-wise. I can't count how many times I've gone to work on a project or assignment when suddenly my brain shuts down and acts like it's never heard of such a thing as writing a paper or making a PowerPoint or Google Slide presentation. It's frustrating. I also feel like I'm the kind of person who has to be under the gun to get anything done, and the adrenaline is the only thing getting me through my big projects. At the same time, I'm so tired from work and the pandemic and the general exhaustion of attempting to have some sort of semblance of mental and emotional wellbeing that I feel like my well of adrenaline is dried up. It's hard to get the fear of consequences going to produce adrenaline when my body is constantly on edge just from being alive. I don't know how to work around this. I have so many things due in the next week and a half, and every time I think about them, my brain sort of shuts down--just turns into TV static. I need to get in contact with the Student with Disabilities campus people. The sooner I do that, the better, but of course, that feels like another overwhelming thing that I don't understand how to do. I know it starts with a simple phone call to their department, but it seems like they're going to want paperwork and validation from my doctors, and that sounds so ridiculously hard and exhausting even though I have no idea if that is or isn't true. I don't know. I want to do well, but I don't wanna do anything either. It's a bit of a conundrum. Ugh. I hate feeling like this.
Life and School--the adventure continues
Mar. 24th, 2020 11:57 pmI haven’t had a lot of time or energy for personal writing. I’ve done a bit here and there. I have been hosting a “young writers” group at work once a month, but that’s only been two sessions so far and now those are canceled for a while. But with school and work, I just haven’t felt the creative urge much. I know there have been times I’ve opened a word document, written a sentence, and then totally spaced or gotten distracted or called to work on something else. It just hasn’t felt worth it to write. But with this virus, my work is shut down which means I have more time for writing.
Now I still have school, and I’ve been working on a big project that’s due tomorrow night so it’s not like I’ve had nothing to do. I also had a week off of work because I was sick. So far as I know I had a cold, and then lower left lobe pneumonia. I was on antibiotics for two weeks, four days of one type of antibiotic before switching to another because nothing was getting better. I never had much of a fever, though I did have a low-grade one here and there. I also had shortness of breath, which was a little worrying, but again, with taking sick leave for a week--one that thankfully coincided with my school’s spring break--I felt much better. I went back to work for two days before they decided to close my library. We have emergency pay for two weeks, and then we’re not sure what’s going to happen. Right now they’re working on ways for people to work from home. I know I can work from home and I have so many webinars and online training sessions saved as “to do” that I could fill up at least a month or two of days working from home, never mind the projects for my Reader Advisory Team that I said I would do that I just haven’t been able to do because of the customer demand at our branch. They also want to know what kind of stuff we’re good at, including if we’re good at customer service via chat, phones, and social media. I haven’t used social media in a professional setting, but I did answer account and technical support questions via email, chat, and phone for two years back before I started working at Scholastic. Everything I did with Scholastic was via phone and email too. And I’ve created multiple pieces of training and presentations for coworkers and customers alike at my last two or three jobs. I feel like there is plenty I could be doing that would be honestly productive during my time at home. Although part of me is really enjoying this time off.
I’ve had way too much time on my hands in some ways. I’ve been for a few walks and read a book. I’m working on my homework, though that’s slow going because I have way more time to do it than is good for my sense of urgency when it comes to getting it done. That is what I should be doing right now. I guess I’ll get back to it, but I am hoping that I’ll get a little bit of creative writing done while this quarantine goes on. I don’t want to miss out on my paycheck which likely means I’ll be working from home, but part of me does kind of like the idea of not working for a little while and just getting to mostly stay home and do nothing. I definitely need to start washing my hair more though...
Whelp That was a Bust
Dec. 27th, 2018 01:17 amI was mostly better today, depression wise, but I also went back to work and that pretty much took it all out of me. It’s disappointing to feel so exhausted over nothing. I think I may ask the doctor about a therapist closer to home or at least somewhere between home and work so I can go to some sessions again. I think that might be good for me. At the same time, with school starting soon, I don’t know if I’ll feel like I can keep up. I guess we’ll see. I’m going to do some cleaning and tidying this weekend. I got an extra day off so that I could have another long haul but without all the family stuff and without a lot of stuff going on. Just me and this house and the dog and my cleaning products.
You Write the Headline This Time
Dec. 24th, 2018 02:45 amI sort of tripped. It was like a roll of my ankle or a turn of it which is super unfortunate because it was the same damned ankle I was whining about just last night. Of course, the good news is if I decide to go back to the doctor I can say, “yeah I turned it again…” I know that sounds crazy probably, but sometimes I feel like doctors don’t listen to me when I say “something is still wrong.” Especially since it’s been so long since I injured it originally. Now if I go back to the doctor, I sound less like a hypochondriac. Not that I have plans to go to the doctor outside of my physical early next year, but it might help me get another type of test or examination--one I haven’t had yet. Because I still swear that something isn’t quite right. Even before the roll this evening.
Onto other whining things that I’ve whined about a hundred times before but that I need to hash out some more.
I don’t know if I’m going to make my final word count for the year. I still have about a week left to make it and it isn’t impossible, but it’s definitely going to be tough and I feel like I’ve been having a rough time with motivation and concentration. I never thought I’d say this, but I think I may need to remove Solitaire from my phone. I feel like I’ve become increasing addicted to the game recently. I’ve been playing it almost as compulsively as I’ve played Pokemon. I’ve also been continuing with my Pokemon obsession. Plus, I’ve been in one of my “scroll endless through Facebook!” modes again which is such a problem. Not only does it suck all my time into a meaningless vortex of pointless posts and dumb memes, it also damages my creativity and focus. Which is already pretty low. It’s an absolute waste. Which means I may have to erase Facebook off my phone. Again.
I wish that I could use it in moderation without deleting it all time, but so far I’ve had a hell of a lot of trouble doing that. My writing is suffering for it. So is my reading. I haven’t read nearly so much since I started playing Pokemon Go again either, but I’m not ready to give that up. I’m just going to have to find a way to better balance all the things I want and need to do. Especially with school starting in two weeks!
(no subject)
Dec. 22nd, 2018 12:43 amSo my car had some issues. It overheated on the way to work yesterday morning which I have to say was pretty scary. I had to basically idle the last few miles and turn the car off when I was sitting at stop lights because I just didn’t know what else to do. I suppose I could’ve pulled over and gotten a tow somewhere, but I was actually looking like I was going to be on time for once and because sometimes I just want to be in denial about my issues. Sometimes I have to be in denial of my issues for a little bit before I can deal with them.
I saw this thing on the internet that said something like, “I find if you put off doing anything about your problems, they either work themselves out or they explode in your face. 50/50 odds aren’t bad.”
I should see if I can find it, because it’s both hilariously true and relevant to how I live my life.
Wow, Google is a powerful thing. Okay so I’m horrendously tired right now, and I’m not sure I’m going to copy this over correctly. It’s a screenshot of a tweet so I can’t just copy paste. I have to type it out, which means there’s a good chance I’m going to miss a word or incorrecctly transcribe something. Still, I’m hoping to get close enough that you’ll get the picture.
“Something kind of neat I found out… If you ignore a problem long enough, it either goes away or ruins your life. So 50/50. Pretty good odds.”
Damnit, I’m too tired to keep going.
Drugggggssss
Dec. 19th, 2018 12:03 amI’m crashing now from the drugs. I know it’s just a steroid. It’s a super normal thing that people get prescribed all the time. Lots of people end up hungrier and thirstier. Often people have some stomach upset. These are all normal reactions. I have them too.
My friend’s son gets a little wound up—the doctor said that when he’s on stuff like this he’s more likely to be ornery. My friend describes it as “showing his ass,” which is just the best kind of description in my opinion. Not that that’s the point I guess, but it is a fun expression. I love expressions and idioms and etymology. Just… all of it. Just our whole practice of finding ways to communicate and describe things is amazing to me. Sometimes humans event awful things or use our creativity for evil, but our capacity for invention, communication, and creation is truly one of the most amazing—if also terrifying—things in the world. It probably seems silly to compare the history of our language and the creation of dumb sayings like, “shows his ass” or “Lord willing and the creek don’t rise” to advancements in health, science, exploration, or engineering, but it truly amazes me how capable we are.
Humans are extraordinary. I just wish we had less propensity for using our creativity to destroy each other. Just in general. But I think that’s the trade you make. It sucks, but all I can do is treat people with kindness and respect.
At any rate, steroids do weird things to me. It’s a little like being high. It isn’t exactly that. I’ve been high on weed and shrooms and opioid drugs when I was in the hospital once so I know what those things feel like, and the steroid definitely doens’t quite do that. But it does make me more likely to be weird and wired in a more extreme way than I usually would. I told my friend Jonathan that I very much wanted to skip at some point during the day but that I was working very hard not to skip. He was baffled at first because my foot is back in my boot (at least during things like work, etc.) and was like, “don’t fucking do that!” It was only a little while later that he realized that it was the drugs making me feel that way.
That’s the other frustrating thing about the injury combined with the drugs. The drugs have the effect on me that you would expect three surge soda’s to have on a toddler. I cannot sit still, I fidget to no end. It’s nearly debilitating how hyper it makes me, and it absolutely does make it harder for me to focus.
It can’t be helped for now though. I should probably look to see—
I did that thing again where I start typing things in relation to whatever dream like thing is happening in my head when I’m so tired I can’t keep my eyes open while I type. Suckage.
I read this thing that said if you type in comic sans instead of other, more traditional fonts that you’ll find it easier to write. I don’t know if that’s true, but I thought it’d be worth a try. It’s not like I can’t change the font once I’m posting a story or even when I’m editing it, etcetera. This isn’t the old days of typewriters. I guess just the fact that “comic sans” is even an option is proof of the bygone days of typewriters.
I should’ve written more yesterday. I thought about it. I really did. But I’ve just been feeling so exhausted and burned out and cranky. I started my period today so between the extreme stress of all the events I had the last few weeks and weird sleep schedule and family stuff and anxiety about everyone’s presents and school and money and money for school and presents and life--it’s all just been a lot.
And tonight I spent like two and a half hours at the doctor’s office. I scheduled an appointment, but I guess they were backed up because my appointment was for 6:45 and I was there until like 8:30 or something. It was a lot going on. It left me drained as shit. Not to mention the last three days have been bonkers and busy at work. And my foot has been feeling worse. I’m going to have to be careful with my caffeine intake tomorrow since I’ll be on a steroid, but I wanted help getting better so if this is what I need to do, then this is what I need to do. I’m just really glad no one offered me a clinic position where I had on--
I have no idea what that sentence was going to be. I honest to God fell asleep in the middle of writing it. I guess I’m just going to have to try again tomorrow.
(I bet I was going to say that I’m glad no one offered me a flu shot, but then fell asleep in the middle of typing. I can apparently type in my half sleep, it just ends up being so nonsensical it would take someone with a master’s in “Kate’s language” for someone to figure out what I meant. And we’d never really be sure.
I should've been in bed three hours ago
Dec. 15th, 2018 02:38 amSometimes it feels like every time things get hard, I just take off into someone else’s fictional world to escape. I wish I felt like escaping into my own fictional worlds the same way I disappear into other people's. It would be a lot easier to meet a word count goal for sure! But I guess it’s scary to pour yourself into something.
I know there’s still part of me that was hurt and damaged by the lady that ran that writing seminar that I went to the DragonCon before last. I wish I’d never done it. I kept saying that I was glad that I did it and that I learned a lot at the time. I really wanted to believe that. I spent a lot of time and money and effort on that whole thing. I didn’t want to admit that it was a mistake to go. I still hate thinking about it. It totally tore me up. It was ages before I wrote again and I’ve still barely written anything original, anything that wasn’t fan-fiction since then. She basically crushed every ounce of faith I had in my writing or storytelling ability. Not that I ever had much confidence in it, not really, but I had scraped together a little. Enough to start getting involved with workshops and writing groups again, only for her to basically say that my story… God, I don’t even know. I guess it doesn’t really matter and it doesn’t help to rehash it.
One of the chapters--I think it’s chapter 8--in the book “The Artist’s Way” is about healing from people and experiences like what happened at that workshop for me. And I did parts of it. I can’t remember if I did all of it. Part of me would like to try going through that book again, but it’s a big commitment for three months and I’m getting ready to start grad assuming I can get my shit together with the financial aid office. And working full-time plus doing two grad school classes seems like more than on my plate without adding in extra credit.
Still I’ll have to do something to try to get back some of what I lost.
On a totally unrelated subject, I’ve got this movie on in the background right now, I wasn’t really watching it--it’s just on--but I noticed that the main guy character in it is getting home so late that his son is already in bed. It’s reminding me of my days working in after school and how tragic I thought it was when the end of the day came and it was a babysitter that would pick the kids up from after school. As an adult, I know it was likely because it took them so long to battle traffic to get anywhere, but it still seemed rough. These kids who have been at school all day, since something like 7:30 in the morning who then spent four hours with me and my coworkers would get picked up by a babysitter just seemed kind of heartbreaking. I did have one kid’s dad would pick her up on Friday’s. Sometimes in a really fancy car like a Lamborghini or some shit to make it special. She always got incredibly excited about it, and I can’t blame her. It was probably unfair of me to judge them.
Typing with my Eyes Closed
Dec. 14th, 2018 01:38 amI’ve been putting off writing since I got home. I’d wanted to work on something while I was at work, but work was so busy, so packed full that there was just no way to get around to that. I had every second so full, I didn’t have time to finish my actual work work, never mind work on a personal project. Then once I got home, I just felt so tired and daunted by my word count goal that I didn’t want to work on it at all.
I remember reading this article a while back that said that if you’re struggling to meet a goal or feeling intimated about meeting a goal or something along those lines, that you should multiply the goal by a factor of ten. Maybe it was a factor of five. I’m not sure now, but it was definitely an outrageous multiplier. The logic behind it… I remember there was logic behind it. Or supposed logic. I can’t remember now if the idea was just to pump out so much stuff that some of it had to be good or if it was to help you push back the mental blocks or some other such thing, but I do remember thinking the article was interesting.
There might have been a few articles like that, now that I’m thinking about them. I seem to remember a sort of “phase” where that was all the rage in the “self help” world. One particular article was about making lists of ideas. Ideas for stories or products or pieces of art or whatever--didn’t matter, just ten ideas every day. The guy writing the article said that if you can’t think of ten, think of twenty. He said that if you double the goal, your brain realizes that some or most of those ideas are going to be total useless garbage, and in knowing that, you’re giving yourself permission to write down and process terrible ides. Maybe you don’t keep all the ideas, but you the more ideas you come up with, the more likely it is that one of them will be good. That’s just statistics.
Once you start practicing coming up with ideas, even if most of the suck, you’ll find ideas (in all levels of quality) come more quickly and easily--at least according to the guy in the article. I don’t think he’s wrong. One of the other things I remember him talking about (well… I think it was him that brought it up, it very well could have been one of the other amny, many self help writers/gurus I’ve studied) a study on a high school art class.
In the “study” half the class was told that their grade would be based on making one “amazing” piece of art (pottery, I think , in this case) so they had to make just one great thing, and the other half of the class would be graded on sheer quantity with nothing based on how well they made the pieces.
In the end of the study, the students who were graded on quantity rather than quality were the ones who produced better quality, more creative pieces of art. Allowing yourself to be bad at something, but continuing to fight for it over and over again is the surest way to improve. That’s part of why I’ve been pushing myself to write more I figure if I can write a billion things, one of them will be good and then I can go from there.
Even knowing all that, and knowing that I’m a better writer when I’m writing all the time, it’s still hard for me not to feel daunted by the goals I’ve set for myself. If Id’ been better through the last six months of hitting my goals, I’d be in way better shape than I am now. I did fantastic in the first few months and then Summer Break happened and everything just kind of hit all at once.
It don’t feel like it’s slowed down at all. Shit, I’m sitting here now, barely awake, attempting to open my eyes and look at the keyboard or the screen so I don’t fall asleep, but I’m about to slip onto the floor. Ah well, tomorrow is another day. And a day I’m not working, so that’s a plus.
If I can just make it through tomorrow
Dec. 13th, 2018 12:05 amI’m already behind on the word count goal for the week, and it’s only Wednesday. I missed my goal for yesterday and while I did write extra on Monday--it helped that I was off that work that day--I still didn’t write quite enough to make the 2,000 mark by the end of the day. In order to make it to my goal for the week, I need to write 3,047 more words (the words in this here post have not been tallied and won’t be until later) by the time I go to bed on Friday night. I usually decide the “day ends” when I’ve gone to bed rather than counting midnights or anything like that. I suppose I could. I definitely would say that I need to meet my goal for the year by 11:59:59 pm (eastern standard time) on New Year’s Eve. But I feel like that’s a little bit different of a situation. Counting something I’ve written at what is technically 1 am on a Saturday doesn’t feel like cheating on my “weekly” goals. The year thing… that’s bigger.
I wrote a few weeks ago about how I didn’t think I’d have any trouble reaching the (non) stretch goals I made for myself in regards to reading and books. I shouldn’t have said anything because saying something is going to be easy is always a jinx and saying that something is going to happen without any effort is quite possibly the worst choice I could make.
And I know I’ve written about this before, but I feel like I need to write about it again (I think I’m hoping that my brain will take, store, and embrace this if I say and write it over and over again). I very purposefully did not make a reading goal for this year.
I do have a “Goodreads” goal for the year, but I set it at 52, which is literally nothing for someone with no kids and no school.
Well, it’s nothing for me.
Next year may be a different matter. I’m sure I’ll be doing a ton of reading, but class reading won’t be the same. That’s why I’m adjusting my writing goal too. I’m sure I’ll be doing a lot of writing, but it’s going to be research papers and chapter discussions and essays. Scholarly stuff that's required for you to pass school doesn’t feel like the same thing at all. I’m not going to worry about a word count goal for next year, at least I don’t think. I am going to keep the story writing goal with the caveat that the stories don’t have to be nearly as long for next year as they have been this year. This year they weren’t too terribly long (1,500 words minimum), but I know that next year is going to be different.
School is going to be a big adjustment, and I can only guess (educated by friends and coworkers, but an educated guess is still a guess) what it’s going to be like next year. It’s been years since I was in school. It’s been a little over a decade now since I graduated from undergraduate school with my B.A. and my B.F.A. Ten years and some change since I left Wilmington, which sounds crazy.
I can’t believe how fast life seems to be moving now. It’s like everything happens in a flash, and then it’s gone. It baffles me how fast it feels like life is moving. And it seems only to get faster every year. I’m curious to see how being in school (even online) might change that feeling--if it does at all. What a roller coaster life is.
I’m still having trouble with my foot/ankle too. I need to go to the doctor for a wellness exam anyway, so I’m really hoping that the guys will be able to check on that too and make sure that things are still on the mend and that I’m still doing the right things.
I also can’t decide if I’m going to take a shower in the morning. As much as I probably should since I have outreach at two different places tomorrow, I’m wondering if getting out of the bed in the morning in time to do that is going to be a thing.
Good luck out there tomorrow you guys!
I Need a Tardis
Dec. 12th, 2018 01:08 amI told myself that I would write 5,000 words this work week. I didn’t say 1,000 words a day, but that’s basically the idea. It’s a bit of a stretch goal, but I really do want to make my writing goal for the month. I won’t be able to make my writing goal for the month if I don’t seriously step up my game and if I don’t make my goal for the month, I’m not going to make my goal for the year.
I told myself that I would not set a reading goal for this year, but in my head I do think I secretly wanted to beat out every other year I’ve tracked on Goodreads. I’ve done that for sure. In both page numbers and books read, I’ve beaten all the other years I’ve done on Goodreads. I am excited about that.
I did set a Goodreads goal for the year, only because I knew I’d have no trouble reaching. I set the goal to be a book a week for the year. Well, as I went along and reached that and then double that, and then tripled that, I started to wonder if maybe I could quadruple that.
The thing is, I know the reason that the idea of quadrupling my book count is a way to pour myself into reading (and avoid reality AND writing at the same time) and still feel like I’ve accomplished something amazing.
If I weren’t also watching Christmas movies and playing Pokemon Go, I would make it without question, but I am doing those things. And I love those things so I don’t want to give them up either.
I hate that I have to choose. I know life is full of tough choices and that you can’t have everything all the time, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to whine about it.
Who knows what I’m really going to be able to pull off between now and New Year’s Eve. I sure don’t.
Gifts and Rewards
Dec. 8th, 2018 01:39 amI’ve been thinking about writing a letter to Santa this year. I know I’m a (sort of) grown-ass adult who doesn’t believe in Santa. I mean… I know Santa isn’t real.
I never believed in Santa. I’m guessing there are other people (who grew up in Christian households) out there who say stuff like that, but I’m not bragging about “being smart” or “putting clues together” or anything like that. My parents just didn’t want me to believe in Santa, or anything “magical” really. My dad supposedly got into a fistfight when he was twelve over the fact that Santa wasn’t real and was pretty traumatized by the whole thing. My mom never talks about learning that Santa wasn’t real, but it seems like maybe that was a pretty traumatic experience as well. Her big thing though, was that she didn’t want me to equate Santa with God.
That may sound weird, but… I was going to say why it wasn’t weird, but it is weird, just maybe not in the way you’d think. My mom is pretty intense about her faith and the bible and all that. She said if she let my sister and I believe in Santa that we may not believe her when she said God was real. There’s a least one comedian I know of who does a stand up bit about that. About kids being like, “psshhhh, Satan’s not real; it’s just dad in a costume like Santa” or something like that. It’s a funny bit, and I like it. He’s not being religious when he does it, he’s just making commentary on the bullshit premise that parents go through elaborate lengths to lie to their children about the existence of Santa all while preaching that honesty is the best policy.
I have a lot of issues with Santa. Like the whole gift versus coal thing and the “naughty and nice” list. See, there’s a difference between a “gift” and a “reward.” A gift is given, not because it’s earned, but because the giver wants to give it. Maybe certain societal standards make people feel like they have to give gifts, but a “gift” by definition isn’t given because someone “earned” it. Being born doesn’t “earn” you a reward, but western culture traditionally likes to celebrate the anniversary of the birth of a loved one by giving them a present. Those are different things! Which means that kids only get something ‘fun’ if they’re on the ‘nice’ list, they’re being rewarded for ‘good behavior.” There is nothing wrong with rewards. Rewards are great ways of motivating and encouraging and celebrating people. But it’s still different to give a gift. Getting “coal” because you were naughty is a punishment based on merit. If someone’s behavior and actions have a direct effect on whether or not they’re getting something, they’re getting a reward (or a punishment or nothing or whatever).
So yeah, I have a lot of weird things about Santa.
But because I grew up in the household I did, I never got to write a Christmas letter to Santa. Maybe it’s dumb to think that I want that experience now, especially at thirty-three years old (well, thirty-years, ten months, and twelve days), but it’s sitting with me. I’m sure it’s all the Hallmark movies I’ve been watching that are making me feel this way. Still, it sounds fun.
The post office lets you send mail to Santa at “the north pole” and if you have a kid, you can send enough postage that the post office will make it look like your letter has gone to the north pole and add with it a letter from you in response to the child’s letter. It’s sneaky is what it is. But I still think it’s kind of wonderful.
I know I’ll never get a response back. I’d just be sending a wish list out into the void, but I sort of like the idea of that too. And maybe that’s what I’m really imagining right now with my desire to send the letter. It’s not about Santa at all, but about me trying to shout into the void of life.
I don’t know. I guess we’ll see.
I’m so stressed. I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to juggle all the things I’m supposed to juggle over the next two weeks, and I just do not know how it’s all going to work. I know I’ll figure it out. It’ll come together. I probably need to organize in my mind what has to be done and by when. Although I don’t know that listing it won’t make me feel worse. I meant to work on all this in my planner today, but I literally didn’t have time to do it at work today. It was a hella frustrating, stressful, mess of a day.
So since I can feel the stress cramping my shoulders into my earlobes, I'm going to try to do some of the work outside of work. I hate doing that, I really do because I’m paid hourly (not salary), and I don’t believe in dedicating outside of work time to work projects.
However, I have a shit ton to get done and I don’t think it’s physically possible for me to get it all done in the “off hours” especially if the coming days are anything like today where customers and random “work” stuff meant that I lost almost two hours of time that I had planned to be for planning and project work. Even with that going on, I’d probably still push for the “no work outside of work policy” if it weren’t for the fact that I have wasted a bit of time at work on Pokemon Go. If a raid or something pops up, I have dropped what I’m working on to join the raid with friends. I figure if I can sacrafice some of my work time to play then I can sacrifice some of my “off/play hours” for work. It’s only fair.
I’m still hoping that the snow storm they’re saying might happen this weekend will hit tomorrow and the Reader Advisory and my outreach will all be canceled for the month and I can just go about doing the other things on my list instead.
Sigh.
Life and Other Questions
Dec. 3rd, 2018 12:53 amMy shoulder has been killing me for days. I’ve got a Groupon to go see a massage therapist type person, but I need to get that setup. Everything feels so crazy right now. I know a large part of my struggle with my shoulder is stress. I’ve felt it in my shoulder whenever I’ve been tired and stressed since I had that accident eight? Nine? Years ago. The other trouble is that I’ve stopped exercising. Working out, especially my arms and shoulders, seemed to really help the issue. I still had pain, but it wasn’t nearly so much or so often. I need to start working on my arms and shoulders again at the very least, even if there is a lot I can’t do again yet because of my foot/ankle. I’ve been doing the exercises for my foot and walking more, but that’s not really working out, and it definitely doesn’t do anything to help my shoulder.
*Insert Time Lapse Here*
I took two alieve and an anti-anxiety in hopes that those would help ease the pain in my shoulder, but it’s honestly gotten worse since I’ve been sitting here. I’m working on my posture hoping that will help in the long term (I’m wondering if it’s making things worse in the short term since I’m forcing those muscles to hold a position they’re unaccustomed to holding), though who knows. I need to make an appointment to get my physical soon so I should probably bring that up. I need to make a list of things to ask about so that I don’t forget to ask while I’m there. If they charge me more, they charge me more. I don’t have the time or patience to go scheduling a shit ton of different appointments. If they need me to schedule a follow-up, I will, but I would really appreciate it if someone could just give me a good muscle relaxer to take a few times a week. I’m reasonably sure that would solve the majority of my problems.
Granted, I’d have a shit ton more time if I wasn’t playing so much gosh darned Pokemon Go. It’s getting obnoxious. Which is why I originally quit! I just got sucked in too far and got too addicted to the damn game! It’s not a habit I should be spending this kind of time and money on. I know once I start school in January that my life is going to have to change. I’m going to have homework and studies and papers and discussions and it’s going to be a lot and running around all over God’s green earth looking for Pokemon and Pokestops, just isn’t going to plausible. Not that I can’t do some of that still. I’m just saying.
I really wish my shoulder wasn’t bothering me so much. Part of me is thinking about getting a massage or one of those electro pad things I see advertised on TV sometimes. I’m thinking that might help. Really though, I need to go see a doctor and see what they tell me to do since they may be able to give me a better idea of what things are more likely to be helpful and which things I probably shouldn’t spend my money on.
I also desperately need to do my nails, but that’s another story.
I enjoyed this weekend so much. I shouldn’t really call it a weekend though. I’ve been off for four days. Last night with C was amazing. We went to see “Potted Potter” and it was fan-fucking-tastic. I left with muscles behind my ears sore from laughing and smiling so hard. If you like Harry Potter even remotely, I think it’s well worth going to see. Truly, it was a great time.
And then I saw Lizzie who I had not seen in AGES. It was nice to run into her. She was bartending the event and it was just so nice to say hi. I hadn’t seen her in person in ages.
C has made a joke about whether or not they and I are dating and don’t know it twice now and I’m not sure how to respond to it. I mean, they’re great. There was a time I thought we might date, but shortly after we met, it felt like they had put me squarely in the “friend” category of their life and I thought that was probably for the best. Ugh, and I’m such an awkward turtle that I don’t even know how to broach the whole thing.
And then there are the next two weeks at work which make me want to come down with the flu and be out sick for two weeks.
Ugh. Wish me luck. I hope you all are in better shape than me.
I need a nap
Dec. 1st, 2018 02:11 amTonight I watched three Christmas movies in a row. That’s right. Three. All of them were Netflix movies, and I gotta say, Netflix is upping their Holiday movie game. I ADORED the movies I watched this evening.
Well, Shit
Nov. 30th, 2018 01:24 amI’m finally watching Legends and it should absolutely not be attractive that John Constantine is running around with something that looks like it has the smoky incense stuff that the young boys swing around in the Catholic Church (at least in movies I’ve seen) which supposedly is giving off female Minotaur scent/pheromones, but honestly, just about everything Constantine does is attractive to me. I can’t think of anything he’s done that hasn’t been done in a way that I found it attractive. Even when he’s doing things like swallowing a concoction that, among other things, has the saliva of a nine fingered man in it. There are so many things that have really should’ve been more disturbing than anything else, and I always just sitting and watching and going--I would do the shit out of him.
I think I’m coming to accept that I am just obsessed with him beyond reason. He’s such an asshole. On a side note, I’m sad that they didn’t do something more serious between him and Gary. I think they could’ve been a really sweet combo. Gary being who he is, could’ve balanced out some of John’s darkness and anger--given time of course. I suppose there’s still a chance something could happen there, but it looks like they’re going to pursue the thing between him and Mona. I’m not upset about that. I’m actually really excited about the addition of Mona. I missed Gary since he wasn’t in this week’s episode.
I am digging everything about this episode, honestly. There’s still a chance that Hank can be redeemed, and that is something I would dearly love to see. I’m loving the way that Nate’s character is growing. I’ve always loved him as a character and his story with Amaya was both beautiful and heartbreaking. I don’t normally go for the doomed to be tragic love story, but their relationship and relationship development really spoke to me. I’m still sad that they couldn’t work out long term without destroying her family.
***
I stepped away from my computer to throw something away and I decided that while I was up I would wash my face and brush my teeth. I was only gone for a few minutes, but when I came back my computer was updating and I’ve lost all ability to keep my eyes open since I had to pause so long waiting on the computer.
Panda Planner
Nov. 26th, 2018 12:48 amI forgot my planner again today. I swear I had it in my hand when I was leaving so I must have had it at some point, but it didn’t make it into work with me. It’s okay, I can function without it, but I honestly do better and am more productive if I fill out the day in the planner before I really dive into my day. I think I used to wonder what was the point in spending time writing down what you were going to do for the day. Isn’t more productive to just start working? But I’ve found that using the planner to sort out what’s really important for the day and the upcoming days really does help me.
The planner I have is a “Panda Planner” that I bought through Amazon after much deliberation. I was afraid that I wouldn’t like the fact that you have to fill in all the dates yourself, but as it turns out, I actually like that because I’ll get to use it longer. I’m not one to use it much when I’m off work--maybe a day or two here or there and I always mark stuff on the monthly calendar. I’m still working on being consistent with the weekly updates. They’re really great too--all about your successes and what can be improved and what kinds of things you’re going to have in mind for the week ahead. Seriously, I love the planner. Which is probably why I’ve been more consistent about using it than I have been with any other planner or calendar I’ve ever owned even if I haven’t been a perfect user. One of the things I like about it is how it incorporates “positive thinking” into the planning. It’s not like it’s preaching to you or anything, but on the “daily” pages it has a place for you to write three things your thankful for and three things you’re looking forward to and there are notes on the monthly parts that ask you what your main goals will be and what distractions you need to be sure to avoid. Stuff like that. It’s really, really helpful. It’s clarifying and it helps focus my mind and my intentions better.
I had good intentions for the day and it isn’t that I got “nothing” done, it’s just that my focus was not where I had originally planned. Now I’ve got a hugely busy week coming up and I need a rough draft of my teen blog post by Wednesday and I have no idea what I’m going to do on Wednesday for the podcast thing. And then there’s the week after which makes me want to come down with the flu for a week so that I don’t have to deal with any of it. If I was sick, they wouldn’t let me go to the old people’s home, right? It’s all going to be fine. I have faith that it will all work out in the end. I have to or I’ll just be a mess. The thing is, I tend to make it just under the deadline for all the things I need to do and because I’ve pretty much always made it “in the nick of time” which means there hasn’t been a clear reason to change my behavior. Well, except maybe the unnecessary extra stress that comes along with having a giant to-do list and a swiftly approaching deadline.
Sometimes I think the stress and (usually) lack of sleep that happens in those final hours before a due date should be enough of a deterrent that I start making changes. I have been somewhat better lately. There’s still a lot that I have a tendency to put off, but it’s not as bad as it used to be. For example, I had my application for Grad school done more than a month in advance and all my paperwork, etcetera, and even though they didn’t initially get my transcript and I had to do that a couple of weeks after my original submit date, I still had everything in several weeks before the date that all the pieces were due. That’s a pretty major accomplishment by me. And it was pretty much thanks go working with the planner. I’ve been using it a couple of months now and even though my consistency isn’t perfect (or great in general), I’m still seeing helpful results. I’m hopeful that the more I use it, the better the results will be and the better I’ll be about using it consistently.
I was thinking about how not using it on weekends I’m doing anything or holidays or whatever would save me pages and thereby draw out the length of time that I use it (since I number the pages, there’s no reason I can’t just decide not to give certain days a page—that’s how I’ve been operating. But now I wonder if maybe even though I won’t really be making a schedule or posting about specific tasks for the day, that I should still use a page in the planner for the thankful lists and the excited lists and the “accomplishments” list. If I’m using it everyday, even when it’s not necessary, I may have an easier time remembering to use it consistently.
I want to write more, but I literally can’t keep my eyes open
There is a lot of crying in writing
Nov. 22nd, 2018 12:25 amI’ve sat here procrastinating write for hours. I mean that literally. I’ve been free to write for about two hours now and I’ve just not started. I kept promising myself I would and I pretty much just watched a Hallmark Christmas I saw last year and played Pokemon Go instead. Which is pretty much my life right now. I think it’s because I know school is coming up and also because work is looking stressful and overwhelming right this second.
Here’s the majority of the work stuff I have coming up before Christmas (I say majority because I honestly can’t keep it all in my head--planners, calendars, and to-do lists for the win!):
Two new displays to figure out
Book Club Questions to write
Book Club on Monday
Write-In for work on Wednesday
Write the Teen Blog Post
Present a Reader’s Advisory on how to find and recommend diverse books
Figure out what I’m going to do in the presentation for Reader’s Advisory
Figure out what I’m going to present for the “you’ve got to read this” podcast thing
Go to the “you’ve got to read this” podcast recording at a branch on the far side of county from me
Pick and pack a shit ton of stuff for outreach at both senior homes
Figure out an activity to do at the senior homes
Get ready for the DigiLit session at the other senior outreach place
Read the book from the Teen Staff Book Exchange
Figure how to present our findings from the Customer Service Observation Team
Present said information at the all-staff meeting
Most of this stuff is going to take place by the end of day on December 13th. Actually I think all of this is supposed to be done by December 13th. Add in that I had to take an extra day off to keep from having “overtime” on my time sheet and I’m just feeling very rushed. It’s all going to be fine. I fully believe that everything is going to work out just fine. Well, my logical brain knows. My anxiety brain doesn’t. It’s very concerned.
Part of the problem is also that I’m lazy and a procrastinator. Neither of these things is helpful.
I also need to work on scholarships and grants for school.
Oh, and my car tax payment is due.
And I’m still not fully healed from my injury. I wish I could express how frustrated I am that I still have so much trouble with my foot/ankle. Next Monday, I’m set to go see the doctor again. He said we’ll likely do some more x-rays to check on everything--that is not a bill I’m excited to pay, but if that’s what I need to do, then I guess I’ll be figuring it out.
I also recently mentioned the pain in my shoulder. The pain in my shoulder is currently more extreme than the discomfort of my foot, but because I have to do things like stand and walk, the foot tends to be more troublesome. Also I’ve had a lot of practice ignoring my shoulder. Well, not ignoring exactly, but doing a good enough job blocking it out so that it impacts my life as little as possible. Some days are worse than others, and the last week or two have been worse than usual, but I’ll figure out a way to help those muscles soon.
In the meantime, I need sleep.
I’m worn out tonight. We had the teen “retreat” today which meant that I was basically in a 7 hour meeting today. I was stressed very nearly the whole day. I did take a break at lunch just to walk around a little outside which was hugely helpful. It was a gorgeous day, low sixties, but bright sunshine, clear skies, and mostly still air so you didn’t feel cold or anything. The “retreat” took place at one of the local parks so we were down close to a lake/pond. Autumn is in the riot of color right before all the leaves fall off the trees, but a bunch of leaves have fallen so everything is just color all over the place. Soon everything will start to turn more gray and brown, but for now everything is orange and gold and it’s really something to see. And there was just enough of that tiny movement of air to get the leaves to make that soothing shushing white noise sound I love. It went a long way towards soothing my nerves. I’m still super tense.
My shoulder has been killing me again. It was a lot better for a while when I was working out regularly and doing strength exercises, but since I’ve been too tired, busy, and injured to exercise, the pain and tension has flared up again. It’s been pretty intense pain/discomfort wise the last few days. It’s kind of sucked if I’m honest. I know sleeping on that side makes it worse too so I’ve been conscious not to sleep on the shoulder that’s the issue. Still though. It’s almost as bad as when I first did it right now. I probably need to have my annual soon so maybe I’ll check with the doc then and see if I can get something temporary for the pain. It think the tension and that muscle strain contributed to my headache as well, because I can feel that muscle pulling and knotted all through my shoulder, toward the rest of my back and down my side, as well as up my neck to my scalp behind my ear. It’s pretty extensive discomfort wise. The worst is in the meat of the shoulder and my neck below/behind my ear, but it just radiates so much.
I have so much to get done in the next few days, weeks… etcetera. And then, assuming I can navigate all the things, I start school in barely more than a month.
Looking over my goals for the month, I need to average something like 800 - 900 words a day through the end of the month, but I’m not feeling that tonight. I’m tired and feeling sore and beat up. I feel lucky to have gotten this far. Good night everyone.
Ugh, Headaches and PMS are The Worst
Nov. 16th, 2018 02:04 pmAll I want to do today is read. That’s seriously it. I’m at work and I’m going to spend the night at Emily’s house tonight which means I won’t get anything written or read tonight. That’s fine, really. I’m not as behind as I thought I was on my writing goal, and, hopefully, I’ll be able to get something together story-of-the-month-wise too. I’ve managed to make a story happen just in the nick of time for the last ten months so there’s no reason I can’t do it again this month. Well, I mean, I could decide to do nothing but watch Hallmark Christmas movies and hang out with my friends or read and then I wouldn’t get anything done.
Part of my problem at the moment is how emotionally draining this week has been. I know Monday was nice but I only got a few hours sleep before I took my dad to breakfast. I didn’t have a hard day, not really, but I spent most of my time cleaning my room and working on stuff for my school year--financial aid paperwork and the like. It took ages. It’s not so much that it was hard, but that it was tedious.
I had great intentions about working on scholarship essays and those sorts of things, but I just didn’t feel up to it. That’s part of why I’m a little nervous about starting school. I’m going to have to find the time and energy to do my school work no matter what. And as much as the scholarship essays are important and the money would be amazing, there’s no guarantee that I’ll get money for the work and there’s no one but me to insist on meeting deadlines. I always do better when they’re someone else holding a deadline over my head and there’s a guarantee that the work will have some sort of pay off.
The weather is absolutely not helping. It’s been absolute garbage for days. Saturday and Sunday were glorious, thank goodness. I was able to enjoy the Renaissance Festival thoroughly on Saturday and the trip to Badin with mom on Sunday was perfect. Then on Monday the clouds and the rain and gross just came rumbling into town and they haven’t let up until today. Now, with the drastic change in weather, I have a monster headache that just will not quit.
My coworker is going to see if she can get me some Tylenol. I’ve already had two Alieve today so I can’t take any more of that or anything like Motrin or Advil. And it’s only gotten worse. I feel awful.
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