float_on_alright: procrastination is hard work (procrastination is hard work)
 

 

Maybe I should rename my blog "Ramblings of a Night Owl" or something like that because I swear that's all that's on here. Me rambling. That's okay, I guess. I don't need it to be anything else. I created this mostly for fun though also with the intent of posting fan fiction. I haven't written much fanfic recently. I finished writing a Wynonna Earp fic before the new season started and I finished a Mark/Vex story that should probably never see the light of day, but that I had fun writing. I also wrote a bit of a "not-fic" for Stiles and Derek after watching an episode of American Ninja Warrior, but I'm not sure I count that really, and I think I only put it on Tumblr anyway.


I've put on Grimm while I write this. An episode from season five I think. I would watch Midnight Texas episodes again, but I'm still waiting for them to finish downloading on my computer. I have a bit of a backlog. I buy things on my Apple TV, and then six months later I open iTunes on my computer and deal with the onslaught of available downloads. I think I downloaded all the Wynonna Earp episodes already but I know I still have a bunch of Shadowhunters episodes to download before I get to the Midnight Texas episodes. Since I was talking about my ships last night, I started thinking about Nick and Adalind which made me want to watch them again. I've gone back to the episode where Adalind is about to have the baby because, why not? Plus, that's where things start to change for them. Once she has the baby and he decides he wants to be in his kid's life, they start being partners, then friends, and then more.


I worried a lot about whether or not they would eventually get him back with Juliet. One of the episodes that got me the most concerned -- at least in advance -- is the one where the Cupid guy starts effing with the group, and suddenly everyone is in love with the wrong person. I think it was a Valentine's Day episode, but I think Juliet was spelled into being in love with Nick again or something. I can't remember exactly, but I feel like they had a kiss in it and I was anxious.


Towards the end when Juliet started to get her humanity back, where she stopped being so robotic I was sure that they were going to put her and Nick back together. There's an episode or two with them running around together in the alternate universe, and the previews seemed like the two of them might be bonding. And I think they did, but not in the way I was worried might happen.


So here I am, it's almost 11:30 and I really need to go to bed, and I've spent all this time thinking about my ships and not processing the fact that tomorrow is my second to last day at Scholastic and that I only have 16 hours of work there left.


I mean, I'm starting at a library, and I can't begin to imagine what my life is about to be like.  I'm going to make new friends and have new experiences and try to learn new things and try to face new challenges and projects, and I'm terrified and overwhelmed, and I wish I could take time off before I start the other job, more than just a weekend but I really can't.


I'm excited and scared and hopeful and worried and sad and happy. It's been a tangle of emotion I haven't been able to sort out the tangle of emotions. I guess I just have to keep trying.


float_on_alright: I understand which if i think about it disturbs me (I understand which if i think about it d)
I have four work days left at Scholastic and it honestly hasn’t felt real, until today. Today was the moment that it started to feel real. I’d been plugging away on the tasks and contacting people and I’ve been so busy that I really haven’t had time to realize that I’m about to be moving on to a new job. I’ve been sort of settled into Scholastic. And there have been so many amazing experiences there and that the same time there have been a lot of tough ones too. 

The weird thing is that I’ve become a bit of a go to person at the office. I’ve become a person that people ask for advice and suggestions and information and for coaching and I’m about to leave that and start over. I’m about to have to learn a million new things, take on unknown new challenges, get to know new people. 

I need to write about this more and process this more, but I’m too tired now. I got too wrapped up in Midnight Texas finale stuff and now it’s waaayyyy to late for me to process this. Tomorrow is gonna be rough. 
 

Ugh.

Sep. 16th, 2017 10:40 pm
float_on_alright: if vex says it's worrisome it's probably the end of the world (vex worrisome)
It wasn’t terribly late when I went to bed last night, not for me anyway, but after a week of not going to bed at a reasonable time and having crazy busy work week as well as lots of social stuff going on plus a four hour-ish drive to Atlanta at the end of all that, 1:30 in the morning was absolutely too late for me to be going to bed. Added to that, getting up “early” to go to breakfast with Casey. I can’t say what time it was when I did get out of bed. I had woken up a few times and gone back to sleep and it felt like I had just closed my eyes after looking at my phone at 9:30 but I think it was probably more like an hour. I got dressed and packed up most of my stuff, then we drove to the little cafe and were ordering breakfast (after much debate) around 11:20. I’m thinking it was about fifteen minutes to the cafe. Although, we always have a lot of fun together so sometimes more time has passed than I realize when we’re hanging out together. Dinner the night before slipped by in a snap. 

Anyway, my point is that I didn’t sleep as long as I would’ve liked or as deeply as I would in my own bed. After breakfast I pretty much drove straight home, only stopping once for gas, etc. So I am tired and I am barely conscious if I’m honest. But I had a great trip and I’m not at all sorry that I went. 

When I got home I eventually unpacked, relistened to a book that’s terrible but one that I love, and then spent a little while “Facetiming” with my friend Emily which was fun. She and I have one of those relationships where you could watch paint dry and have fun. We’ve actually had a conversation about how it would be fun and what it would be like, if that tells you anything about our ridiculousness. So that’s a lot of the fun. 

I did some laundry and did unpack. 

Dammit, I wanna write but I need sleep. Yeah, I need to sleep. Really sleep. Long sleep. 

float_on_alright: live a f y life (live life af)
The last couple of weeks have been SO FREAKING CRAZY. First, I got the library job!! I’m so excited and terrified etc. etc. etc. I still have to pass my background check and I am a little concerned that my credit check might be an issue. I mean my credit is okay but I’ve got debt and a lot of it is not very responsible. Not that it’s been a problem in the past it’s just that this is the most intense background check I’ve ever had done--including when I worked as a group leader at the after school “care” program where I looked after children. I mean I get it to an extent. This is definitely the type of job where I’ll be around teens and kids and families and the general public of course. 

In the midst of figuring out the new job situation, I had DragonCon. Which was amazing. So amazing. I loved it. It was stressful occasionally being pushed in with so many people. They had record attendance this year and there were over 80,000 people crammed into like a four block area. It might be a little more than that, but honestly not much. The hotels are giant of course which helps but you're still talking about a lot of people. It’s a great time though overall and even though you're crammed into a room with 10,000 (okay, it’s more like 4,500 that fit in that room) other people to see Alex Kingston and Karen Gillan after waiting in a line that wrapped around a building or two you still feel pretty safe. I do occasionally worry what would happen if there was a fire. 

I’m an anxious person in general and the thought of trying to get that many people out of a room in the event of an emergency is pretty terrifying. But they are strict about room capacities and not letting more people in than allowed by codes etc. which does help. Still, on Saturday when I couldn’t move more than two inches at a time on the bottom floor of the Hyatt Regency… Or was it the Marriott? No I think it was the Hyatt...It definitely wasn’t the Sheraton, the Westin, or the Hilton... while I was trying to find where the line was going to be to see the Wynonna Earp panel, I did envision a horrible, fiery death after getting trampled by a stampede of nerds. 

Thankfully that didn't happen. 

The panels were amazing. I had so much fun. 

It’s weird how the panels make you feel like you’re getting personal time with the celebs. I mean you can go to the “Walk of Fame” and get actual personal time with the celebs of course, but you still somehow feel a personal connection to them when they’re answering questions from audience members for an hour in front of a sea of people. 

Michael Rosenbaum actually did jump out into the audience and get very up close and personal with quite a few members of the crowd which was great fun. He is a great storyteller. Just so freaking funny. A couple of my friends go see him whenever they can though I did hear some of my other friends say he can be an ass. I don’t know anything other than that I’ve enjoyed a good bit of the stuff he’s done (he’s my fave Lex Luthor, judge me if you want) and that he was wonderful to his fans at the panel and a great storyteller. His was one of my favorite panels. 

I’m still not over the Wynonna Earp panels. I went to two. I wanted to try to go to all four but I had to choose between seeing the third one and getting to see my friends plus the Michael Rosenbaum panel and one of the panels John Cusack did and since I love both those guys and my friends and I had already seen two Wynonna Earp panels, I made the choice to see the other stuff. I don’t regret the decision. I think I made the best choice I could, given the circumstances, and I’m really glad I got to spend a few hours with my friends. I still wish I could’ve made it to all four. The fourth was on while I was having lunch but I wasn’t going to miss lunch with Reb and Molls. I was jealous of my friend Casey who when to see the cast on the walk of fame while I was at lunch. She got to chat with Emily Andras about the writing and got a hug from Tim Rozon and Shamier Anderson and then meet Kat Barrell.

I still got to meet two authors I really like. One writes my favorite Sterek fics and wrote one of my all time favorite books. I’ve pre-ordered the next in her series and she says she’s sending signed copies for people who pre-ordered so I’m super excited to get that. Her official author name is C.B. Lee and I loooooooovvveee “Not Your Sidekick.” I’m anxiously awaiting “Not Your Villian” which comes out in mid-October. There is so much amazingness coming in the next few month or so. 

I’m going to a concert this weekend with my friend Casey which means my fourth trip to Atlanta since the last weekend in July. It’s like I go down there every other week now, lol. And if I’m not working, I hope to go down there for their Pride in October. I’ll be working rotating weekends at the library and I think that means working Sunday having a couple of days off during the week and then working Saturday and being off the Sunday after. Which means that you would always have at least one weekend day off each weekend make make it so that you only had the whole weekend off every three weeks if I’ve thought about this correctly. I’m not sure I’m thinking about that correctly. But looking at a calendar, it might actually work out. I’d have to make up another reason to go down there but I’m sure I could think of something. 

Besides, I’ve always wanted to go to a Pride event but I can’t risk going in my own town right now unless my family is at the beach or something. Even that would be risky but I’m not known for going out on the weekends unless it’s for a special occasion or I’m with people. 

One of the other great things I have coming up is my friend visiting from California!! I can’t wait to see her! Even more tricky is that another friend is visiting that same weekend from Minnesota. They’re really not similar and I don’t think California friend would like Minnesota friend. Minnesota friend is what I would call an acquired taste. She can come off condescending and a little rude. She's really wonderful and smart and she loves her friends fiercely but it takes a while to peel back the other shit to see it. My California friend on the other hand is funny and quirky and while she’s smart, she’s not the grad school for a environmental health science grad school kind of smart. And she’s a bit into the occult and the other friend is agnostic and thinks almost anything spiritual or religious is bullshit. 

They have a lot in common in some ways. They both grew up without siblings around (one because their youngest sibling was more than a decade older and one because she was an only child). They both have issues with Christian religion stuff. They’re both friends with me so that’s something right? But I just don’t see them mixing well? I don’t know. Sometimes I just don’t think some of my friends will get others. I don’t know how I ended up with friends who are so different from each other even though I’m fiercely connected to each of them. I guess that’s probably something that happens to everyone? I’ve just never really noticed it, probably. 

There is so much more I want to talk about but it’s 3am and I have a big day tomorrow and lots of adventuring to do. Not to mention that I really need to tidy my room and clean the bathroom. 

float_on_alright: I have no idea what i'm doing out of bed (no idea what i'm doing out of bed)
I’m still so effing tired y’all; worn slam out I am. I did a good bit today. Got my returns to Zulily worked out and off to FedEx. Did a few morning pages. Spent an hour and a half with the branch manager of my local library to help me prep for my interview at the library in Charlotte. I was hoping she’d have five or ten minutes for me, but seriously she spent ages with me which was super, super kind. I definitely want to send her a thank you note or something. 

I wish my handwriting was better but it’s unfortunately terrible. I can probably put something reasonable together though if I try really, really hard. My friend Emily has incredible handwriting and I’m always so, so jealous. 

Anyway, moving on. What else did I do today? Well, I did some tidying up around my room though I still have a bit more to do. I helped mom kill a black widow spider that was in our mailbox. I sent off the tire warranty thing I’d been meaning to send off for about three months (it was low priority). I activated my refund cards from the medical peoples. I got my old Kindle set up and charged so that I can use it as my official writing reference book. I was thinking how most of the time I get paperback copies of my writing reference books because I want to be able to highlight and study etc. But I can make notes and highlight on a Kindle. But I didn’t want to use the kindle I normally use for reading because I felt like I’d have trouble swimming through my other 3,000 books and documents and that would also be distracting. The Kindle editions are often much cheaper so now that I have a dedicated Kindle to keep at my writing desk, I won’t feel like I have to have the paperback in most cases. I’m sure there will still be exceptions. 

I feel like there were other, little tasks I did today but that I’m forgetting them. I did give the dog her heart worm medicine and put the tick and flea repellent on her. She was such a good girl. I need to clean her ears again, but she always hides from me for hours, sometimes a whole day, after I do that to her and she hates it so much. I really hate doing it to her but she’s been shaking her head and scratching her ears a lot lately so I know they’re bothering her. I did a wash Thursday and they seemed to be a lot better today (... yesterday? Friday, whatever that is now) which is good but when I did the wash her ears looked red and aggravated and I doubt one wash is enough. At the same time the wash is only meant to be used a couple of times a week so I don’t want to do back to back days either, just in case. I don’t do it on the regular even though I really, really should. She hates it so much that I get to feeling really bad about it. Not to mention that it’s a monster of a task to do, even if you have two people. She’s a pretty big dog and she fights. Well, she fights to get away; she never barks or growls or snaps or bites or anything like that. 

Wynonna Earp was bat shit crazy tonight. I think next week is going to be crazy face. I wish I didn’t have to get through a whole work week in order to get to the next episode, but dems dah breaks. 

I really need to sleep. I have breakfast with my sister in the morning. 

float_on_alright: kate bishop with her head on a desk in exasperation (asdf)
I’m exhausted. We had our big “zone” meeting this week. This year they did it in Atlanta which turned out to be pretty nice. I think this week’s was the best food so far when it comes to these meetings. This is my fifth one (I’ve been at the company four years but I went to the first one a week into my first year so) and while it was full of a lot of bullshit there were also a lot of great fun moments. I mostly managed to write my morning pages though sometimes they took have the day. It’s just hard when you’re sharing a room with someone to manage that. You’re sharing all the space. And the light. And if you set an alarm it wakes them up too. And just, yeah, then they’re there and if they’re up they often like to talk about the upcoming day. One morning I was just too hungover to manage it. It was all I could do to listen through the speech that morning and DEAR GOD IT WAS THE WORST SPEECH I HAVE EVER HAD TO SIT THROUGH but i had to sit down for a minute after every action until about 10am. Once I got to 10, I was able to mostly get back on track. It still took all day to write those three pages. But whatever, I wrote them. 

I also didn’t read for four days and that is the end of my reading deprivation. I’ll make it through today but I’m going back to reading tomorrow. I have never, in my life, gone this long without reading. Even before I could read, I read more than this or was read to and that counts if listening to audiobooks counts and it does. Anyway, yeah, done with the deprivation thing. Super, duper over it. I get, really, really, really get why it’s assigned and It’s been an interesting exercise and it did make me figure out something else to do when my “default” wasn’t available to me--which is good. I needed to push myself a little. And this week was a good week for that because there was a ton going on. But where I often would’ve retreated to a book to give myself a break from the onslaught of people and input, I forced myself to stay present and participate and talk to people or just sit quietly and let the noise wash over me. I do think it was good for me to take a few days away. And I think I should probably keep something of this lesson with me for the future. Remember to people watch more often, indulge in music regularly, and to sit with my emotions without hiding from them when they well up. 

I will commit to the writing again though. I’m supposed to be writing or editing or participating in workshops or other supportive creative endeavors for at least an hour a day. Well, starting tomorrow. I’m exhausted tonight after the shenanigans from this week. I need to go get my laundry out of the wash and clean off my bed and then I’ll probably head to bed. I’m just worn out and so ready to sleep alone and in my own bed again. 

I'm supposed to do an artist’s date every week, but I don’t know what to do for myself this week. Honestly, I’m really just too tired to think about anything at all so I probably shouldn’t be trying to tackle this problem now, but I only have tomorrow and Saturday left. Tomorrow all I really want to do is sleep and read and neither of those things really counts as an artist’s date. I should probably leave this as a problem for tomorrow but sometimes when I’m this tired I can’t let a problem go. It’s like my brain doesn’t know how to shut down any more and it gets fixated on problems that it “needs to solve” even though I’ll be able to do a much better job at coming up with ideas and figuring out a plan for them once I’ve rested. It’s aggravating that sometimes I’m too tired to logic myself into going to bed when that’s what's needed to set me to rights so that I can start thinking again. I’m talking in circles. Or something. Dammit. 

float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)
 

I think I’m going to make. I found two more places to submit to, reworked my cover letters, and fired away. I also did the next assignment which was to write the people whose opinions of your writing really matter on a 1 inch by 1 inch piece of paper. I don’t have a ruler so I had to wing it, but I figure no one can complain about me putting three people on the list. I mean, that should be short enough to fit on a 1 square inch piece of paper. Especially if I shortened their names or wrote them really small, right? Anyway, while I’m sure the visual reference is helpful, and I might do it one day, I think the message of the assignment was clear. I guess what I’m saying is, I’m a “spirit of the law” kind of girl and that ain’t gonna change anytime soon.


Part of me wants to power through the other two assignments tonight, but I think I need some rest. I think that I’ll be able to complete them tomorrow more easily and quickly having got some real sleep.


Tomorrow will also hopefully involve some writing something that isn’t a journal entry, but we’ll see. I’m also eager to finish the book I’m listening to. It’s interesting to me that the narrator of the stories isn’t a narrator I’ve been thrilled with in the past but I still think I’d rather stick with listening to the stories instead of reading them. I’m not totally sure, but I am leaning that way. Normally I find her barely tolerable and it’s not like she’s doing such a better job on these than she did on the others I’ve heard by her. Maybe it’s just that these books are so much better than the other books I’ve heard her read. Not that the other books were bad, they weren’t. It’s just that those other books were… “well, that was fun” as opposed to what I’m listening to now which is more like, how can I get five more minutes listening to this book. I know, I’ll empty the dishwasher, that way “I’m being productive” so I won’t feel guilty about how I’m spending this time but I can still listen to the book.


What I’m reading now is by one of my all time favorite writers, Shelly Laurenston. I just relistened to her “Pride” series, which is probably my favorite series by her though her “Call of Crows” series is fantastic too and I enjoyed her “Magnus Pack” series too. This series is under her pen name (I think it’s her pen name and not the other way round), G.A. Aiken. It’s Dragons and witches and warlords and shit. Where her shapeshifter books take place in modern, earth times, Dragon Kin takes place in a world of Dragon Gods and swords. Both epically fun though. You have to have an affinity for cursing, bloodshed, raunchy language, and sort of questionable or unstable main characters, but I find them hilarious and exciting. She’s one of the few authors I still read that doesn’t really pass the “But is it gay?” question. She does have an odd side character (I can think of 2 for sure and a 3rd I suspect) who turns out to be gay, but they’re not developed. Still though, I enjoy her main characters. Her female characters are especially fun to me because they’re usually vicious (though in different ways, sometimes with violence, but sometimes in craftiness) and funny.  I mean, one of her characters has the moniker “The Blood Queen” and she’s actually a queen. “The Viper” and “The Beast” are really fun too. “The Beast” is plain and bespectacled and brilliant. One of the characters in the “Pride” series is famous for her favorite saying which she got from her father, “Time to start the killing.” And Cella Malone is a former marine, a bare knuckles boxer, and a hockey player. There’s all kinds of “politics” between shifters and packs and families and it’s just fun. She’s also suppppper diverse with characters who are of a bunch of different backgrounds and descents.


And I’m officially rambling. But seriously, I love that author. She’s got another series she’s going to be doing soon, I think it’s coming out next year that has me really excited.


So now that I’ve blown off some steam writing about the author of the book I want to be reading, I’m going to go listen to the book for a bit and get some sleep.


Oh Kate.

Jun. 24th, 2017 12:13 am
float_on_alright: I have no idea what i'm doing out of bed (no idea what i'm doing out of bed)
 

So last night I said I was either going to go write some more or go to sleep. I got into bed and I think I had every intention of going to sleep but then somehow I put on my book that I had been listening to earlier in the day, maybe I just thought I’d listen to one more funny bit - I can’t rightly remember where my mind was - and then I ended up listening to it and playing games on my phone until I’d finished somewhere around 6 am. And then I got up around 9:45 am to go for a walk. I know, madness. Absolutely craziness. I really want to watch the new episode of Wynonna Earp that aired tonight and stay up and tweet about it and I want to write more after that but I think I probably won’t. I’ve got a bit of a headache and I need more than anything else in the world right now, besides breathing I guess, to get this mascara off my face. I don’t know what I was thinking putting on mascara. I mean it looks pretty but I fucking hate mascara. Anyway, if I’m incoherent tomorrow, y’all will know why.

 

 
float_on_alright: apologize in advance as I slowly go nuts (apologize in advance as I slowly go nuts)
 

So last night I had every intention of going to bed after I finished writing a big. I went upstairs, brushed my teeth, got into bed… and realized I had woken myself up a bit with the getting read part. So I thought I’d just listen to a bit more of my book Silver Silence by Nalini Singh. It was just after midnight and I figured I’d just listen for a few minutes. But see, the book was really, really good. I’ve been following the series for about five years now. I think the first book was published in 2006 but I didn’t find them until there was a sale on the Audible editions and I came across them by chance.

 

It’s interesting that with this series there were a few I didn’t love and the second most recent was a giant monstrosity that flipped back and forth between nearly every remotely significant character she’d ever written about in the series (that wasn’t dead, obvs) and was basically all these characters we’d been following for fourteen books and innumerable short stories, novellas, and extras having babies or obsessing about babies or thinking of having babies. It was A LOT OF BABIES. Which makes a certain amount of sense really. I mean how you can write romance books that take place over several years in the same “world” and not have at least some of them popping out babies? You can’t is the answer to that. It was hard to focus though because there were just so many perspectives. It was still good, but I was starting to wonder how much longer I was really going to be invested in the series/world - especially since she didn’t really have any gay characters.

 

HAHHHHHH. I stayed up until after 5am last night desperate to get to the end. And while the main characters of course get together and start their lives together, the book still managed to end on one MAJOR cliffhanger and a minor one or two. So I listened to a 16+ hour book in about a day and a half even with all the Father’s Day activities we did yesterday and the writing and editing I’ve been doing and my exhaustion. Obviously, I’m going to be fighting to get my hands on a copy of the next one as early as possible which will still, very likely, be at least a year from now.

 

She also added a couple of gay characters who look like they might get together. There’s a potential - in my opinion - for a whole book. I don’t know how likely it is that she’ll write a whole book about them but I’m crossing every part of my body in hopes of a novella dedicated to them. I mean she’s given them the similar build up to some of her other characters in past books who went on to get their own books but I just don’t want to get my hopes up too high. I’m so excited and thankful that they exist and them being gay is treated totally casually and their interest in each other is treated in a way that’s just so freaking cuuuuuute that I have to say I am ecstatic about things thus far. I would buy seven more copies of this book if it gets me more of these two. God, I loved it when we got a hint of them. They’re not the focus of course and you get lots of information about each of them separately from each other. One of them is a trusted “second” of the main male character who is a changeling (read shapeshifter) bear and the other is the brother of the main female character (who is a powerful psy). The bear is flirting with the psy who is pretending not to be interested (he’s totally blushing and verbally sparing with the bear) and it’s AMAZING.

 

I’m a little stressed about everything I need to do tomorrow - submit my story to the contest, work on my lit mag course work (I’m behind), file for unemployment, take my dad’s car to the shop for him, finish doing laundry, start looking for jobs to apply for to qualify for unemployment, and pick up some books from the library for dad. I feel like I’ve forgotten something which isn’t helping the slight panic attack happening in my chest right now. I’m thinking about going back on the Wellbrutrin for a bit to see if it eases the panic attacks a little. I’d rather not get back on the medication if I can help it. It messed with my period in a way that’s super annoying and I already have PCOS (a hormonal disorder that comes with all kinds of lovely extra risks) so I really hate making that worse. I also feel like I did an amazing job at kicking depression (I totally did) and I feel iike that means I can kick the shit out of the anxiety too.

 

Let me be clear, there is no shame in taking medication. There is nothing wrong with taking medication. But I grew up with a mom who called medicine “third aid” and never gave us medicine unless we were dying (or killing her with our complaints probably). It’s one of those things that just stuck with me. So now I have to decide if my anxiety is killing me (or making me whine enough to make someone else want to give me the medicine) or if this is still treatable in other ways.

 

The other thing about the panic attacks is that they’re also a sort of barometer for my actions. If I’m doing things that are making me scared, it’s because I’m doing things that really matter to me and I’m afraid of succeeding and I’m afraid of failing and I’m totally headed in the right direction. I honestly believe if there isn’t a least a part of me that’s scared of whatever it is that I’m doing, I shouldn’t waste a lot of time on doing it. I want that gauge and I feel like it’s possible I’d lose it on the medication. If the medication is doing it’s job, I really should lose those indicators. It’s complicated against.

 

I’m not sure I’m making any sense any more so, peace and love y’all.

float_on_alright: we prefer intellectual badass (we prefer intellectual badass)
 
It doesn’t yet feel like I’m on vacation. It just feels like another weekend. I haven’t had a summer off since the first year I worked for Scholastic so I have to say I’m feeling a little nervous about the unemployment thing but also really excited to have six weeks of not going into work. I have about 43 days until I have to go back to work I think. I know that it’s going to go by in flash. I know that I will have barely taken a breath before I’m back there again, but at the same time - 43 days. 

I have lots of homework and writing to do and it is still feeling a little overwhelming, but I don’t have a lot going on this week after tomorrow so I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get a good chunk done thereby taking off some of that stress. 

I have so, so many things I’m looking forward to this summer not least of all writing though really. I didn’t get as much done this week as I would’ve liked writing wise but I did some good editing and I was exhausted. There’s only so much I can write when I’m really, really tired. I did a lot of reading though and that was very satisfying. I love to read and just hadn’t gotten in enough reading the last couple of months with all the writing and assignments. Reading for editing and reading for pleasure are just such different animals. I enjoy reading to give feedback and edit - I love it, mout of the time, actually. But they’re just so different and while they’re both satisfying in their own way, reading to edit/suggest changes/etc. just doesn't replace reading something that’s just being read for fun. Especially if someone else has done editing so that you have a nice cohesive story. 

I did get to write a little bit today. I’m working on my wolf shifter mystery thing and I got a little done today. It wasn’t easy considering I was still worn out and participating in a bunch of Father’s Day activities. We have some more planned for tomorrow but I should get to sleep in properly tomorrow which I think will be a great help to the situation. My other problem is that I’m listening to a book that I’m just really, really loving. 

Anyway, I’m looking forward to tackling my challenges this summer and hanging out with friends and hopefully a whole lot of reading by the pool! I am still nervous, but I don’t think that’s unusual. Plus I’ve been talking about how it’s good for me to do things that make me nervous and push me outside my comfort zone. Especially with something like this, that should really be fun and rewarding. 

I need to head to bed as much as I want to stay up and either write more or read more or both. Today has been wonderful and tomorrow will be too so long as I’m rested enough to enjoy it! Night y’all. 

float_on_alright: drink tea and read (drink tea and read)

I’m feeling a little burned out, I think. I know I'm a little disappointed that my Mrs. Claus story didn't get accepted to the anthology BUT she was very nice and I think she's right about why she passed on it. I'm very much considering re-writing the story and submitting it again later. Her submissions are done, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't fit anywhere else eventually if I work on it. 
 
I’m taking today and maybe tomorrow off from writing much because I think I do need a little bit of a break. But this isn’t a “giving up,” this is merely a tactical retreat to regroup, refuel, re-evaluate, and starting planning the next attack, so to speak. If it’s worth getting, it’s worth working hard for. I can improve. I can and I will. 
 
float_on_alright: claudia wide eyed (claudia the eyes)
Holy Shit!!! What a day! We went to see Wonder Woman after work today - myself and a couple of my coworker bundies. I enjoyed the movie immensely. Of course I knew the moment it started that … I won’t spoil the movie but let’s just say there were a couple of sad things that happened that I just knew were gonna happen. 
 
I did get all choked up at the obviously appropriate places but then I also got choked up at other places too. Like she’s going across battle lines… here she goes into No Man’s Land and directly into the line of a ton of German soldier’s guns including what I’m pretty sure was some sort of .50 caliber machine gun and I’m trying not to cry. She’s obviously not going to die in the scene - it’s not a sad scene but it’s still somehow so glorious, so fantastic, so inspiring to me that I’m ready to cry in semi-public. 
 
Oh man, it was just so wonderful. And Robin Wright was so fucking badass, holy shit omg I loved her so much. They say she may have part - as a flashback or similar - in the Justice League movie and I was already kind of excited about seeing that one because it does look fun so now I’m even more excited. 
 
And Lucy Davis, who plays Etta, stole every scene she was in. She was snarky, she was loyal, she was down for fisticuffs and she knew when something was up and because of that she followed and tried to help by using a sword that she had 0 familiarity with. Her comment about glasses on Diana was PERFECT. 
 
I watched the season two premiere of Wynonna Earp tonight and I’m just… still processing. I don’t even. And just… Yeah, I haven’t got words yet. I’ll probably re-watch it tomorrow when it’s on my iTunes account as I bought the season pass. 
 
float_on_alright: thor knocked over after jane hit him with the truck for the 2nd time (might thor ooops)

I was researching literary magazines today for my Lit Mag Love course which was kind of fun. In my adventures of writing and contests, I came across another contest that I loved the sound of. There was an entry fee (not uncommon) but there were different levels. At one level you could get access to a publisher’s feedback so I thought… well, that might be worth a shot. So, I sign up, I pay my fee and low and behold, not only is it a contest as I mentioned with feedback as promised it’s also a six week course that includes submitting a piece of work to those also in the group every week - or something like that. I was sort of confused. I woke up fairly early today so I could do the office hours for the Lit Mag Love group and so Dad and I could go to the pool for a bit (which was lovely) so I was still pretty sleepy. 

So yeah. I’ve managed to sign myself up for more homework. 

It’s okay though. It’ll be good practice, good motivation, and force me to come up with new stories and characters. 

The next few weeks are going to be crazy. The Lit Mag Love is a 6 week course that started last Monday. This other thing is a 6 week commitment - if I’m not mistaken - that I’ve started today. I still need to put something together for my DragonCon workshop. I’m hoping all this other stuff is going to help me with that though. 

Right, well, I've had a pretty busy day and I’m bushed. Not to mention, I have a shit ton I’m aiming to do this month. I need my rest. Wish me luck y’all!

Oh well.

Jun. 3rd, 2017 12:50 am
float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)
 Well I got a chunk of editing to done today which I’m excited about. I set my goals for the month which I’m excited about. They're outrageous of course. I mean, why not? I’m a little behind on my writing words already but again, I’m about to have a good amount of time off from work and I want to make sure that I use my time for these important projects not just for lazing around though there will be a good bit of that too. 
 
Nope, can’t hold my eyes open. Night y’all. 
 

Tires

May. 27th, 2017 12:40 am
float_on_alright: mini clint caught up in wires (hang in there clint)
 
I had a pretty unusual day today - work was short. It was employee appreciation day so they brought us in brunch and we got to play games and leave early. I won’t go into all the details, but our little group playing scattergories and at some point someone was trying to say they were going to use “dung” as a weapon, but they said dong instead and I was crying actual tears and could barely breathe before we moved onto other things so that was really fun. 
 
After work I went to Walmart because I could grocery shop while I got my tires replaced. I would’ve liked to have gone to someone other than Walmart. But with nobody out here with me right now, I can’t leave my car someone and circumstances what they were I just really needed convenient. I had to grocery shop at some point so it made a lot of sense to use my time waiting on my car to do my shopping. They paged me to say my car was done right as I was checking out so the timing was unbelievable. 
 
After that the dog and I walked and it was great because the weather was beautiful and sunny. 
 
Ugh, I can barely hold my eyes open. *Sigh* 
 
float_on_alright: bad health plan (cavaties)
I’m probably going to make a slight adjustment to my daily goals. I’m probably going to cut the writing time to 30-35 minutes. I’ll probably still write for a combined total of an hour, but my brain is like stressing over the 60 minute thing for some reason. I also want to add 10 - 15 minutes of meditation because I'm was really needing it today and as soon as I spent 10 minutes being quiet, I felt a great deal better. That would mean my total goal spending time would be 2 hours which my brain just really likes. Apparently any more than that and it start to feel like I can’t handle anything at all and I should just watch four episodes of “Death in Paradise” and go to bed. 

I’m super tired again today unfortunately. Monday night and Tuesday night were both spent up late because of *the situation* and getting my feelings on that out. Then today on my way home from work, about a 37 second drive from my house, I hit a drainage thing and my tire burst. Poor tire. I thought I would be there a while. The roadside people said I had to stay with my car and while it takes no time to drive to my house, I didn’t feel good about walking home and walking back in time not to miss the help people. But then two of my neighbors helped me. Swapped my tire out and sent me on my way. I felt a bit bad about canceling the help people but they were going going to be a bit longer and my neighbors had it taken care of before I could even really protest. Both of them had arm muscles bigger around than my head and one of them lived so close I could hit his house with a paper airplane (the other lives close enough to me that I could hit his house with a paper airplane from my driveway or my upstairs bedroom window) and he had a hydraulic - think that’s what it’s called - lift so it was seconds of a couple of lever pulls for me to have my car up. They took turns with the lug nuts and the donuts and I was set in no time. 

I had a pretty productive day overall. I did reading for self improvement and writing. I did do reading for fun (well, I listened to a book while I walked the dog, but I totes count that). I did exercise by walking the dog a little over a mile. I got stuff for my actual job done at work today. Obviously I’m working on writing. 

I don’t know if I’m going to be able to work in editing though and I’m not sure that I should. As off as my head has been the last couple of days and as tired as I am right now, I don’t think I can be an effective editor. 

I think the list I made is a pretty good one and I am tweaking it a little and probably will as I go along and as much as I want to truly create good new habits, I feel like editing is the one thing I can’t do when I’m tired. Writing can be edited - I can make what I wanted to write clear enough to figure out later even when I’m exhausted. I’m not saying anyone else would understand what I was going for but I would know so it’s not a problem to write sloppily (as long as it isn't total gibberish which has only happened a couple of times in cases of extreme exhaustion combined with insobriety). I can walk the dog even when I’m tired partly because she keeps me on my toes the little shit. I guess I could fall asleep meditating but I wouldn’t be the first or last person to do that today and I may still be able to reap some of the benefits even if I slip off at some point. Reading can be a bit of a challenge. I probably only read half of what I would read when I’m rested if I’m reading when I’m really tired, but I am still making progress. 

But editing man, editing requires good reading and clear writing and focus - it’s like an exercise all my other goals put together and I don’t think I’m going to be able to cut it tonight as far as editing goes. 

I want to be okay with this but I don’t want to become okay with not meeting my goals so I’m struggling a little. 

However, I can’t remember if I said - I think I mentioned the concept at least - but one of the goal rules I read somewhere was to chunk goals down and if you didn’t meet one goal you had to add that goal to the next set - so you had to get those lingering things plus the entirety of the next set. 

I think that’s what I’ll do here. I’m going to save editing for tomorrow. I can barely hold my eyes open and even when they are open, they’re watery, but feeling dry and aggravated, and blurry. 

So yeah. I’m calling it a night. <3

float_on_alright: never let anyone treat you like a yellow starburts you're a pink starburst (never let anyone treat you like a yellow)
 
Since I’ve finished Wynonna Earp and my Mrs. Claus stories (Reb has kindly looked through my Mrs. Claus so it’s still in the editing process) I haven’t been sure what I wanted to work on next. I picked up working on a creepy story I started while I was working on the StoryADay challenge - it was one of the ones I liked the concept of from stories I wrote or started during those days. I have a little more written in it since I started it but it’s a creepy topic/story to me and since I’m holding down the fort with just the dog, I don’t want to work on that after dark. It’s one thing to work on it when it’s sunny and warm, but not this close to dark. 

So I don’t feel good working on that tonight since I’ll end up giving myself nightmares. I mean I’m hoping it means I’m writing a good story if I’m giving myself the creeps writing it. 

Does Stephen King get creeped out by his own stories, I wonder? I should read his “On Writing” book again. My mom actually bought that book for me when I was about 13 - 14 and I started talking about wanting to be a writer. She's such a good momma. Especially considering I’m pretty sure she hates Stephen King.

Not the point. I have a short romance story I really like but it’s super short and I don’t think it would be good for submitting to the Writer’s Market Competition. I would like to submit something to that but I am just not sure what I would want to send in. Maybe the horror story if I can finish and edit it in time. It’s due by something like the 30 or 31st of May so I don’t have a lot of time left. But I’m also trying to face my fears as far as submission and possible publication so it’s important for me to keep working forward. 

I do wanna say I had a wonderful day today. I spent several hours in the sun today - the pools had a party for kicking off the summer pool months and for the renovations at the clubhouse and clubhouse pool that I went to. They had a lot of fun games for the kids (not that adults weren’t allowed to play too - they were). They had a MC and everything. He played some good music and the games for the kids were pretty clever. I bet the parents were glad of the games because I’d bet money those kids were worn out after that afternoon at the pool. I spent 3 hours and change there. The sun always leaves me feeling a little drowsy. The dog and I also did a couple of hundredths shy of a mile and a half walking today which was fun. But meant more time in the sun. Basically, I’m sunburned and sleepy. Lol. 

Plus I was woken up several times this morning high was okay the second time but I was a little annoyed about the first. I did wanna say goodbye to my folks before they went off on their road trip, but they woke me up and it was almost 30 minutes before they actually left after that and they wanted me to help with stuff. I probably still would’ve gone back to sleep after that, but I got back in bed only to hear them come back because they’d forgotten something and since that was like the third time I’d been hauled out of bed I figured I’d just get up. It was still a nice morning. I watched an NCISLA and at breakfast before heading to the pool around noon. 

The pool was great as I mentioned. I did spend like an hour just surfing Facebook which I think I may have needed to spend most of today just unwinding. I feel like Facebook is such a waste of time but I was watching some funny videos and a couple of sweet ones so it wasn't just memes about people's political opinions and I have been working hard lately. I need to do better with the job I'm currently paid to do so that it will continue to take care of me until such time as I figure out how to make money writing. 

Anyway, I'm worn out. I've got a big to-do list for tomorrow so I had better get some sleep. Peace. 

float_on_alright: when in doubt go to the library (when in doubt go to the library)
I was able to do a little work in one of my stories today - work that I’m pleased with if I’m honest. I had kind of an outline started from back when I was doing the Story a Day challenge (you know- like five whole days ago or something?) but I’d been too tired that day to finish it. It’s was really more like 300 words of just “and then, and then, and then” so I had to erase chunks of it (not that there was a whole lot to begin with) and rewrite them as a story instead of as a description of things that were “happening”. I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense but an example might be the difference between:

One of our friends, Suze, said she was done for the night and headed home.

Versus:

“Oh shit, how is it already three? I gotta go take a nap. I have to be in class in like five hours,” Suze said, wincing. 

This isn’t Pulitzer Prize winning stuff or anything but this gives you a better idea. 

I love writing dialog. I think sometimes I write too much of it for the story and make my stories rely on it too much just because I have so much fun writing conversations. 

But as excited as I am to be re-working that story, I’m just too tired to really keep going. Today was a training day again and I’m honestly just drained again. The meetings went so much better today than yesterday but I’m still worn a little thin. I’ve actually requested to leave early on Friday so that I can recoup a little. I don’t know how early i’ll leave but I am looking forward to a bit of a break. And because I’ve stayed late the last few days, Idon’t anticipate having to use much - if any - PTO which is great because I need to save up days for DragonCon. 

The great thing is, I should have a really nice day next Friday and get to go home early on the company for Employee Appreciation Day. 

Of course all this stuff means that I really need to get some shit done. I may be working through the 16th of June but I think the majority of my schools will go on leave shortly after the 5th. 

I'm struggling a little with my motivation there. I think I have summer-itis pretty dang bad this year.

Anyway, lack of sleep doesn’t help so I’m going to pass out. 

Night y’all.

float_on_alright: I have no idea what i'm doing out of bed (no idea what i'm doing out of bed)
I’m pretty wiped out today. It’s not been a bad day or anything but I was helping to do some training for a few of our less technology savvy people in the office and while I’m okay at coaching or tutoring, I have felt confident in my teaching ability in the past and this definitely more teaching than tutoring. I know people think that these things are the same but they’re not. Teacher’s come up with the topic for the classes and prepare presentations and then assign practice. And while I don’t really have to assign them “homework” per se, the other two things sort of apply. I’m mostly fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pantsing-it but I still have to teach people stuff. And they don’t seem to be able to tell me what they don’t know because they don’t think they know what they don’t know, but dude, I have no idea what they don’t know. 

With coaching, it’s like “okay you can sort of throw the ball, let's work on your stance and the mechanics” where is this them saying “we have been given a baseball but we don’t want to use it because we just don’t feel comfortable using it.” 

Or something. 

I don’t know, I’m far too brain dead to be trying to figure out these sorts of metaphors. 

The meetings themselves were nearly 2 hours long and then I had to be there early to prep and stay after to “debrief” for lack of a better word so when all was said and done I probably spent about 5 or 6 hours on this stuff today. Which meant I had to try to juggle answering emails and returning phone calls in between. I meant to get there early to give myself a chance, but there are innumerable shifting construction sites and there was an accident on the highway (it didn’t look bad, but it was at an odd spot) that cause major extra congestion so I ended up being a little late instead. I should leave my house early than I do if I’m honest, and I am trying to be. I always have good intentions but then I just wake up so freaking sleepy. 

Anyway, that only leave about an hour and forty-five minutes for my normal work so I stayed a half an hour late. 

I was stuck inside the office all day. I barely took fifteen minutes for my lunch so I just scared it down once I’d finished heating it. I kind of wish I had gone outside to eat but I didn’t feel I had enough time to make it worth it and I really don’t think I did. I think going outside would’ve just made it harder to go back inside and do my work. 

Because I felt so stifled by the office today, so trapped by it, I knew I had to have a walk or something outside. So when I got home I did go for a walk. It was quite warm but it isn’t at full peak heat and humidity yet so it was still pretty pleasant, thankfully. I was able to listen to a little bit of a book that I was reading for fun which was lovely. Randomly, a few of the neighborhood sprinklers were on - the community grass areas, not like private property ones. They’re along the sidewalks so I was able to run through a few sprinklers and that was a blast. I was definitely acting a bit like a little kid for that. It was just necessary though. I think God or the universe knew that I needed something. 

The rest of my evening has been pretty nice. I still need to finish my word count and re-save that podcast with the correct information. 

Of course part of the problem is that I can barely keep my eyes open - I’m just absolutely exhausted and I still need to brush my teeth and clean off my make up. It’s going to be at least 11 by the time I do that all and messing with the podcast already sounds like a terrible chore. And it’s ridiculous because honestly I think it’ll take 90 seconds maximum to get it all right I just don’t want to do it. I’m tired and I want to go to bed. And I want to sleep until I need to walk out the door in the morning instead of messing with it. 

I’m hoping that I’ll feel some sort of pride or accomplishment once it’s posted on the website. I guess we’ll see. 

float_on_alright: claudia wide eyed (claudia the eyes)
I don’t feel like it today. I just don’t. I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna. I’m tired and cranky and I want to go to bed. Actually, it’s not so much cranky as just a general sense of feeling like I’m tapped out. I was so tired today that half the time I felt like I couldn’t form words. I went through barrels of caffeine - like the kind of caffeine consumption they normally advise against. So much caffeine that at some point I had the shakes. 

I did feel hugely proud of myself for a couple of things today. I had a meeting with Johnny about my unrebooked schools for fall and Scott said I did really good. Those are normally the kinds of meetings that freak me out and I was a little nervous beforehand, but it was like this sense of calm and composure just fell over me as we were going through my schools. Maybe it was because I really have gotten a feel for my territory but I think a lot of it has to do with how much better of a place I’m in emotionally right now. It’s just such a massive difference. 

I think meditating and maybe doing some yoga too is a big help. My mind felt so calm today at that meeting. 

Or maybe I was just too tired to expend the extra energy on worrying and stressing. 

I don't know. I guess I felt really in the flow and in tune. He pointed out that I had the lowest rebooking rate for fall of the teams and that in the past would’ve stressed me the hell out and put me off and sent me into a tizzy of stress, worry, defensiveness, and general fear. Instead, it just didn't even phase me. I knew where I was and just said, I think that’s right. I admitted two of the things that had contributed, one of which was because of a misunderstanding I had and I admitted that but without feeling like some sort of huge failure or fear. I had such a sense of calm and purpose. 

I hope to carry that into more and more, I really do. I just hope it wasn’t because I'm as literally too tired to stress. Although, I’m not sure that I’ve ever been so tired that I haven’t had the energy to stress or worry before. I don’t think that’s a thing. 

In this moment, I am resentful of myself for saying that I was going to write a story every day. I did think that I was going to give myself one day off each week from story writing because 31 stories felt like too much or too stressful or that there would be a day I didn’t have the time or energy for it. 

The thing is, now that I’ve been at it for a little bit, I feel compelled to keep going and frustrated in my lack of creative flow, I feel like “taking a break” at this point could set me back from the habits I’m trying to build, it feels like I’d be letting myself down from a goal, and more and more I believe that it’s the moment when you most don’t want to do something that you absolutely should do it. I didn’t want to exercise earlier but I did anyway and it was good. 

And I don't want to negotiate with myself. I want to set a goal and stick with it because I’ve decided to do it. Once you’ve decided to do something negoatiting isn't an option on the table any more, that’s the point. 

I guess my point is that I’m going to have to go write a story. 

 

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float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)
Kate

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