float_on_alright | Entries tagged with real life: i am ridiculous

Title: Salt Water, Fresh Start
Characters: Lori, Dr. Zhang, Toshi, The Wall, DJ, Suyin,
Genre: mostly friendship
Fandom: The Meg (Movie)
Summary: Lori meets the team for the first time and finds herself drawn to one in particular.
Rating: PG
Pairings: pre-slash Lori/Jaxx (Laxx? Jori? Jari? Loxx?)
Warnings/Spoilers: None -- prequel fic

I don’t own any of these characters, I’ve just seen the movie way more than any sane person would.

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I spelled the way Lori replies to Toshi wrong on purpose to try to express that she isn't getting it right. I don't speak Japanese, so I had to look this stuff up to the best of my ability. If I've messed it up, beyond what I intended, please let me know.

This is what I went off of:

When meeting a respected for the first time in Japan, you may say oai dekite kouei desu. This means “delighted to meet you” and is pronounced oh-aye dic-tish-te ko-ee dis.

https://www.wikihow.com/Say-Nice-to-Meet-You-in-Japanese

Current Mood: creative

I’m watching the last episode of the first season of “The Chronicles of Shannara” and I think I’d forgotten just how emotional I got about this last episode. I know it’s a bit of a cheesy show and there’s lots of ridiculousness going on, but I really did end up enjoying it and I ended up very attached to “the main three.” I know there are a lot of people out there who have OT3s that they’re really attached to. I’ve had a couple of shows where I “could see” three of the characters being in love and stuff, but the three of them weren’t my main pairing. This is the only show where I’ve ever felt absolutely convinced that three people were all in love with each other and should live happily ever after. That’s not how it went, but I’m just saying it should have.

I’m looking forward to the new season though… mostly because my bi (maybe pan?) baby rover (turned scavenger) is getting what looks to be a very cute romance with a very pretty lady and I am here for that.

Today was good at work too. I had a meeting with my new manager about my progress and she seemed happy and so far I’m happy. I called my dad on the way home today and he asked me how things were going. I was glad to tell him I was enjoying things. The schedule is a little harder. I may need to start dedicating some of my lunch time to writing a few days a week or something so I can get some more writing in, but otherwise I’m really enjoying myself. It still feels a little odd, but it is definitely good. I hope to be more confident soon, but even so dad said to me “You don’t sound stressed like you used to.” And as much as there were so many things I enjoyed about Scholastic, I was pretty much always stressed. Even when things were quiet, I was stressed. I had nightmares about the sound of the phone ringing and I used to hear it in my sleep. Every time a phone rang in the office, I’d have this flash of fear and stress.

Yes, every job has stress. Yes, every job has downsides. Yes, I’m sure there will be things that I don’t love, or even like about the new job, but honestly, I just feel like I can breathe again. Even with all the work and craziness and exhaustion from the sheer volume of stuff going on, I almost feel as though I’ve been on vacation since I’ve been working at the library. I can’t explain it well. Maybe the best thing to say is just that I enjoy most of the work I’m doing, not just the breaks I take from the work to talk to my coworkers. There is the constant fear of numbers being under. I’m not constantly staring at daunting numbers that only cycle into another barrage of daunting numbers. And it’s kind of amazing.

My new manager asked me how things were going and I said, “well, I think they’re going well, but I don’t know what anyone else thinks.” We had a chuckle and she said they were really pleased to have me and that things were going well. She asked me what kind of things I needed to help me on my way and you know what was amazing? I knew what to ask for. There are probably still things I don’t know that I don’t know, but I knew what to ask for next. I knew what things I need now to build on what I’ve learned. Maybe that seems like an odd thing to be excited about, but I regularly got asked what would help me with my job at Scholastic and there was rarely anything that anyone could do for me. When Scott (Scholastic manager) would ask me what he could do to help me, the answer was basically “nothing” or “I’ll let you know” and the only time I could really ask for help was when something had gone extra wrong and I didn’t have the “permissions” to solve it myself.

I’m still nervous and unsure about a lot of things, but I am gaining more knowledge every day and the choice I made seems… more like the right one. I was fairly sure I was making the right choice for me when I made it, but I felt so much love for the people at Scholastic that it was hard to say for sure.

Anyway, I need to sleep so I can get up and shower in the morning.

Current Mood: content

The last couple of weeks have been SO FREAKING CRAZY. First, I got the library job!! I’m so excited and terrified etc. etc. etc. I still have to pass my background check and I am a little concerned that my credit check might be an issue. I mean my credit is okay but I’ve got debt and a lot of it is not very responsible. Not that it’s been a problem in the past it’s just that this is the most intense background check I’ve ever had done--including when I worked as a group leader at the after school “care” program where I looked after children. I mean I get it to an extent. This is definitely the type of job where I’ll be around teens and kids and families and the general public of course.

In the midst of figuring out the new job situation, I had DragonCon. Which was amazing. So amazing. I loved it. It was stressful occasionally being pushed in with so many people. They had record attendance this year and there were over 80,000 people crammed into like a four block area. It might be a little more than that, but honestly not much. The hotels are giant of course which helps but you're still talking about a lot of people. It’s a great time though overall and even though you're crammed into a room with 10,000 (okay, it’s more like 4,500 that fit in that room) other people to see Alex Kingston and Karen Gillan after waiting in a line that wrapped around a building or two you still feel pretty safe. I do occasionally worry what would happen if there was a fire.

I’m an anxious person in general and the thought of trying to get that many people out of a room in the event of an emergency is pretty terrifying. But they are strict about room capacities and not letting more people in than allowed by codes etc. which does help. Still, on Saturday when I couldn’t move more than two inches at a time on the bottom floor of the Hyatt Regency… Or was it the Marriott? No I think it was the Hyatt...It definitely wasn’t the Sheraton, the Westin, or the Hilton... while I was trying to find where the line was going to be to see the Wynonna Earp panel, I did envision a horrible, fiery death after getting trampled by a stampede of nerds.

Thankfully that didn't happen.

The panels were amazing. I had so much fun.

It’s weird how the panels make you feel like you’re getting personal time with the celebs. I mean you can go to the “Walk of Fame” and get actual personal time with the celebs of course, but you still somehow feel a personal connection to them when they’re answering questions from audience members for an hour in front of a sea of people.

Michael Rosenbaum actually did jump out into the audience and get very up close and personal with quite a few members of the crowd which was great fun. He is a great storyteller. Just so freaking funny. A couple of my friends go see him whenever they can though I did hear some of my other friends say he can be an ass. I don’t know anything other than that I’ve enjoyed a good bit of the stuff he’s done (he’s my fave Lex Luthor, judge me if you want) and that he was wonderful to his fans at the panel and a great storyteller. His was one of my favorite panels.

I’m still not over the Wynonna Earp panels. I went to two. I wanted to try to go to all four but I had to choose between seeing the third one and getting to see my friends plus the Michael Rosenbaum panel and one of the panels John Cusack did and since I love both those guys and my friends and I had already seen two Wynonna Earp panels, I made the choice to see the other stuff. I don’t regret the decision. I think I made the best choice I could, given the circumstances, and I’m really glad I got to spend a few hours with my friends. I still wish I could’ve made it to all four. The fourth was on while I was having lunch but I wasn’t going to miss lunch with Reb and Molls. I was jealous of my friend Casey who when to see the cast on the walk of fame while I was at lunch. She got to chat with Emily Andras about the writing and got a hug from Tim Rozon and Shamier Anderson and then meet Kat Barrell.

I still got to meet two authors I really like. One writes my favorite Sterek fics and wrote one of my all time favorite books. I’ve pre-ordered the next in her series and she says she’s sending signed copies for people who pre-ordered so I’m super excited to get that. Her official author name is C.B. Lee and I loooooooovvveee “Not Your Sidekick.” I’m anxiously awaiting “Not Your Villian” which comes out in mid-October. There is so much amazingness coming in the next few month or so.

I’m going to a concert this weekend with my friend Casey which means my fourth trip to Atlanta since the last weekend in July. It’s like I go down there every other week now, lol. And if I’m not working, I hope to go down there for their Pride in October. I’ll be working rotating weekends at the library and I think that means working Sunday having a couple of days off during the week and then working Saturday and being off the Sunday after. Which means that you would always have at least one weekend day off each weekend make make it so that you only had the whole weekend off every three weeks if I’ve thought about this correctly. I’m not sure I’m thinking about that correctly. But looking at a calendar, it might actually work out. I’d have to make up another reason to go down there but I’m sure I could think of something.

Besides, I’ve always wanted to go to a Pride event but I can’t risk going in my own town right now unless my family is at the beach or something. Even that would be risky but I’m not known for going out on the weekends unless it’s for a special occasion or I’m with people.

One of the other great things I have coming up is my friend visiting from California!! I can’t wait to see her! Even more tricky is that another friend is visiting that same weekend from Minnesota. They’re really not similar and I don’t think California friend would like Minnesota friend. Minnesota friend is what I would call an acquired taste. She can come off condescending and a little rude. She's really wonderful and smart and she loves her friends fiercely but it takes a while to peel back the other shit to see it. My California friend on the other hand is funny and quirky and while she’s smart, she’s not the grad school for a environmental health science grad school kind of smart. And she’s a bit into the occult and the other friend is agnostic and thinks almost anything spiritual or religious is bullshit.

They have a lot in common in some ways. They both grew up without siblings around (one because their youngest sibling was more than a decade older and one because she was an only child). They both have issues with Christian religion stuff. They’re both friends with me so that’s something right? But I just don’t see them mixing well? I don’t know. Sometimes I just don’t think some of my friends will get others. I don’t know how I ended up with friends who are so different from each other even though I’m fiercely connected to each of them. I guess that’s probably something that happens to everyone? I’ve just never really noticed it, probably.

There is so much more I want to talk about but it’s 3am and I have a big day tomorrow and lots of adventuring to do. Not to mention that I really need to tidy my room and clean the bathroom.

Current Mood: excited

I have my interview in the morning and I've spent the evening trying to get ready for it. I'm nervous a little bit but I'm also super, super excited. I don't know how my presentation will go over but I actually had a lot of fun putting it together. I'm just mad I ran out of magenta ink and I couldn't print all of the posters etc. I'd mocked up for the "event." That's okay though. I've got a sample in the "slides" I printed. I've ordered replacement ink so I am thinking when I send my thank you note that I might attach something cute. Or something. I don't know. I'll get to that later. I'm counting the words I have on my slide towards my word count for the month. I spent time and did a tiny bit of research (there may or may not be a works cited slide at the end of my presentation... okay there is, but it's a library for goodness sake. Anyway, the interview is at 8:30 am tomorrow so I need to get to bed so I can shower in the morning. I did pick out my clothes so I won't have to go through that in the morning at least. Wish me luck everyone!!

Current Mood: accomplished

I’m exhausted. We had our big “zone” meeting this week. This year they did it in Atlanta which turned out to be pretty nice. I think this week’s was the best food so far when it comes to these meetings. This is my fifth one (I’ve been at the company four years but I went to the first one a week into my first year so) and while it was full of a lot of bullshit there were also a lot of great fun moments. I mostly managed to write my morning pages though sometimes they took have the day. It’s just hard when you’re sharing a room with someone to manage that. You’re sharing all the space. And the light. And if you set an alarm it wakes them up too. And just, yeah, then they’re there and if they’re up they often like to talk about the upcoming day. One morning I was just too hungover to manage it. It was all I could do to listen through the speech that morning and DEAR GOD IT WAS THE WORST SPEECH I HAVE EVER HAD TO SIT THROUGH but i had to sit down for a minute after every action until about 10am. Once I got to 10, I was able to mostly get back on track. It still took all day to write those three pages. But whatever, I wrote them.

I also didn’t read for four days and that is the end of my reading deprivation. I’ll make it through today but I’m going back to reading tomorrow. I have never, in my life, gone this long without reading. Even before I could read, I read more than this or was read to and that counts if listening to audiobooks counts and it does. Anyway, yeah, done with the deprivation thing. Super, duper over it. I get, really, really, really get why it’s assigned and It’s been an interesting exercise and it did make me figure out something else to do when my “default” wasn’t available to me--which is good. I needed to push myself a little. And this week was a good week for that because there was a ton going on. But where I often would’ve retreated to a book to give myself a break from the onslaught of people and input, I forced myself to stay present and participate and talk to people or just sit quietly and let the noise wash over me. I do think it was good for me to take a few days away. And I think I should probably keep something of this lesson with me for the future. Remember to people watch more often, indulge in music regularly, and to sit with my emotions without hiding from them when they well up.

I will commit to the writing again though. I’m supposed to be writing or editing or participating in workshops or other supportive creative endeavors for at least an hour a day. Well, starting tomorrow. I’m exhausted tonight after the shenanigans from this week. I need to go get my laundry out of the wash and clean off my bed and then I’ll probably head to bed. I’m just worn out and so ready to sleep alone and in my own bed again.

I'm supposed to do an artist’s date every week, but I don’t know what to do for myself this week. Honestly, I’m really just too tired to think about anything at all so I probably shouldn’t be trying to tackle this problem now, but I only have tomorrow and Saturday left. Tomorrow all I really want to do is sleep and read and neither of those things really counts as an artist’s date. I should probably leave this as a problem for tomorrow but sometimes when I’m this tired I can’t let a problem go. It’s like my brain doesn’t know how to shut down any more and it gets fixated on problems that it “needs to solve” even though I’ll be able to do a much better job at coming up with ideas and figuring out a plan for them once I’ve rested. It’s aggravating that sometimes I’m too tired to logic myself into going to bed when that’s what's needed to set me to rights so that I can start thinking again. I’m talking in circles. Or something. Dammit.

Current Mood: exanimate

I go back to work tomorrow and I’m feeling like the things I really want to do are write, read, and sleep and it’s like the joke about college where you have good grades, decent a social life, and regular sleep and you can only pick two. If I take the time to read and write, I won’t get a lot of sleep. If I get decent sleep I’m going to have to limit my reading and writing time. The audiobook thing helps a little because I know I’ll be able to listen in the car and with work starting back I’ll be spending plenty of time in the car. I just don’t want all my reading time to be relegated to listening in the car in the work week either. I hate ragging on my job. It’s a good job and one that really has a lot of perks as well as a lot of great coworkers. There are a few people I’d rather not spend time with ever again, but no matter what you do I think that’ll be an issue. Nowhere is perfect.

These six weeks have been so amazing overall. No matter the stress I felt some days or the anxiety and panic attacks I had to deal with - those are things that would’ve been worse had I been working as well as trying to do all those other things. I’m so grateful for the time off I had. When I first found out I wasn’t going to be working this summer I’ll confess that I felt a little insulted that they didn’t have a slot for me this summer and that they chose one of the other girls to work over me but I pretty quickly got very excited about the time off. I knew it would fly by and it really has. I cannot believe how quickly it past. Time does fly when you’re doing lots of stuff and having lots of fun. I wish I could go back and start over. Just like hit the rewind button. Maybe skip back a couple of chapters. But that isn't how life works and I’ll be back at work tomorrow.

It’s not like I don’t have a ton of good stuff to look forward to. The trip to Atlanta for SKO will be fun since Emily and I will get to room together for those few days. It’ll be like having a sleepover for a few days even if we have a shit ton of meetings to go to. Then Juleia is visiting at the end of August, a few days before I head to Atlanta again (I am spending more time in Atlanta this summer than in the last couple of years combined, I’m pretty sure) for DragonCon and the writer’s workshop. It’s going to be so fun. I was worried about where I was going to stay for DragonCon a little bit. I knew that I was good to stay with Casey for the workshop but I didn’t know if she was going to be able to (or want to) put me up for the whole thing and I haven’t talked to the girls I went with last time much at all in the last few months. I’m pretty sure they’re going but I didn't really feel like I had a place with them either. But Casey made it clear she’d totally assumed that I was staying with her for the whole thing. So no matter what now, I know I’ll be okay. It’s such a relief. I’m still nervous as fuck about the trip and the workshop and the crowds and just everything that the Con is, but I’m really excited for it too.

That’s just in the next like five weeks! Anyway, I’m going to try to focus on the perks of my job and the things I have to look forward to instead of the anything else. I need to get back into writing my stories too but I think I’d better get some sleep. I want to finish my book but it’s already 11 and I have to be up around 6am tomorrow. *Le Sigh*

Current Mood: pensive

I didn’t do much new writing yesterday because I was so focused on getting the alien story ready to go that I just didn’t have the energy to do anything fresh. I am doing my morning pages so there is that and I feel good about those. I woke up this morning around 730 so I’d have time to write them before I went to my Employment Services meeting at 9. And you know, it feels like I’m being productive. It feels like I’m starting my day on a good foot even if all I’m doing is bitching about being up early or rambling about my family. I haven’t been counting the words, so I don’t know what kind of words I’m getting from them, as I’ve mentioned. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about that but I actually feel pretty okay about it.

I’d kind of like to create a morning routine. I’ve struggled in the past with mornings but it would be nice if I had a good morning before I got to work. Because I never know what my day is going to bring so if I could create a good morning for myself, maybe I’d feel like I had a little more control over my life and maybe then I’d be less anxious. Maybe not, but it would still be nice to feel like I had a good morning before the work begins. I don’t know what I want that routine to look like other than that it would include the morning pages. I guess that’s a good question and one that I’ll have to think about, but I think it’s a good goal.

I think ideally it would involve a few minutes meditating too, though I’d have to be carefully not to fall asleep which would be really easy that early. Maybe Yoga would be a better option. That’s meditative but with movement. I don’t think it would involve breakfast just because I’m not usually hungry that early. So what would that look like? 15 - 20 minutes of gentle yoga or meditation, 30 minutes of morning pages and then get ready and head off to work? If I get that down, I can think about adding other things. I really hope I take better care of myself this fall than I did last fall. I was seriously lacking in the self care department until I was a mess.

I went on a shopping spree today. It was wonderful. I have this feeling in my gut that I’m going to need more business casual clothes soon. I don’t know why I feel that way. I haven’t heard any indication that we won’t be allowed to wear jeans on a regular basis, but I guess we’ll have to see. Either way, I made sure to get some new nice things. I’m going to have to throw out some of my older shirts because they’re starting to get holes in them or just generally wear out. Some of them I’ve had since I worked at the library in 2010 - 2011 so I really can’t be upset about it. Seven years is a long time to last for a shit that I like and wear often.

When I was shopping for shirts today - I had ordered some bottoms a couple of weeks ago - I saw all these lovely fall sweaters and cozy shirts on sale and I sighed. I wish that I could wear that stuff. We barely have any kind of winter here (like 2 weeks of snow, 3 - 4 of 40 - 50 degree F) and the rest of the time it’s warm to Satan’s … you get the picture) and because I’m so warm natured, I can’t wear those kinds of things inside with the heat on because I roast. My “winter wardrobe” is pants instead of shorts and capris and a coat over my summer shirts.

Anyway, I’m excited for my new things and it slightly cheers me up about going back to work next week.

Current Mood: sleepy

I took a bit of a break from writing yesterday. After shoving my way through my alien story, I needed a breath. I read my ARC of “Bring the Heat” and thoroughly enjoyed it. Then I finished one of the other books from the same series (an older title that I hadn’t read yet that was more of a novella side story than anything else) called “A Tale of Two Dragons” which was super cute. It was great to have a night reading in the beach condo by myself. I mean, mom was in the bedroom but it was still good to have a couple of hours that weren’t “work hours” that I had to myself. I do so love having that.

We’re back at the house now. It feels weird to think that we were at the beach this morning. We only got home right before 5pm but it feels like we’ve been back for days. I have a feeling that I’ll have the same kind of displacement when I go back to work next week. It’s not a bad gig and it pays so much better than everything else I’ve done my anxiety is also a total fucking bitch (sorry) about that job. I cringe every time I hear a phone ring, even if it isn’t mine. It’s totally ridiculous, I know. But I honestly hear the sound of that phone ring in my nightmares sometimes. There aren't many other jobs where I’d have this kind of time off in the summer or make money without working a billion hours a week or working with a product that I didn’t believe in (at the very least I believe in kids reading) so I don’t know that I want another job. I spent a good portion of Monday’s and Tuesday's these past few weeks looking for jobs to apply to and I can’t say there was anything that I really, really wanted to do.

And the thing is, my anxiety is going to follow me wherever I go. I like to pretend like it’s the job so that I have something tangible to blame, but I don’t think that’s fair to my work. And my coworkers on a whole aren’t bad. Plus there’s E, who I have a tremendously good time with. If only S weren’t a barnacle, but you can’t win everything.

I know the problem is that I really want to be writing as a job. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to write full time but to be able to do it part time and work at a library part time would be so amazing. If I’m honest, that’s what I really want for my life.

Of course, I’m also terrified of going after that goal, but, like I said, anxiety will follow me everywhere. I have to battle it, not avoid things that make it rear up. This workshop has me tied up in knots too, even with the story completed. I’m going to work on editing tomorrow after mom and I have lunch with my sister.

I need to start exercising again. And start tracking my food again. See if I can’t lose a few pounds. I’m not aiming to be skinny, but I’d like to aim to be a little at risk for diabetes and heart disease, etc. etc. etc. That just seems like a good idea. I hope that going back to work will help me get back into a routine. I also hope that I will have a routine that includes a healthy amount of sleep.

Current Mood: anxious

I bought about 10 or eleven pen packs today of varying types. I wanted to do some research about my favorite pens especially since the morning pages are supposed to be handwritten. I know I could use any pen for that sort of thing, but if I’m going to do that much handwriting, I want it to be with a pen I like not just a plain BIC pen - no offense to BIC or anything. I bought a bunch of them at the Dollar Store (bomb!) and a few at the grocery store. I got a few pens that are really just for fun - like a set of scented ones (blueberry, strawberry, grape) that are blue, pink, and purple.

I’ve discovered that Pentel is my favorite brand of pen. I wasn’t in love with their “just right” rollerball pen even though it’s one of the smoothest writing utensils I’ve ever used because I’m an ink snob. I want my ink to be the blackest black, and I want it to be bold and striking and still not bleed through the paper. Of course, I want the writing to be smooth too. That all said, one of their other pens - the EnerGelX or something like that, was amazing. They had a pack of two at the Dollar Tree. 1mm, ink exactly the way I want it, and damn smooth writing. The Inc. R2 .7mm was probably my second favorite, and the Uni-Ball Bold Air came in third. I tried two different “Stylio” pens; one by Sharpie and one by PenMarc (I think I got that right). I liked them, and I think they’ll come in handy at some point, but they weren’t smooth enough for scribbling morning pages.

The “Just Right” pens would probably make the most sense for the morning pages, but they’re my morning pages, and I can be weird about them if I want.

I need to write more of my alien story/first draft for the workshop. I need to have it posted to the other workshop site so I can get some feedback this week and start editing by Monday so that it can maybe a have little more work on Tuesday and I can mail it off on Wednesday. While I was out and about, I got a padded envelope that I think will do nicely for sending my manuscript. I’m hoping that helps me be more committed to the task. I really wanted to have it posted to the workshop tonight, but I feel like I’m a long way off from having the story resolved. I feel I may need a couple more thousand words and I know I can get another chunk down tonight. I mean I wrote 1,400 words in it last night, but like, she just got out of the woods. She still needs to get back to her place, figure out how to help the little aliens, and send them safely off and then realize what she’s learned from the experience and show that she’s “grown.” I’m not sure how many words that’s going to take, but I think it’s going to be more than 1,400. Of course, maybe not!

I should do what I can though. I have to be up early since we’re headed down to the beach in the morning and mom wants to leave by 9:30. I need to shower which will likely take close to an hour, and we have to finish packing the car. At the same time, I slept in until almost 1:30 pm today (I was up until like 3 am writing in my defense), so I don’t know how tired I am and how early I’ll be able to get to sleep. Though, knowing me if I when to bed and committed to going to sleep with my sleep story on, I’d be out in a couple of minutes. Actually, that does sound good.

Anyway, I’d better get some story writing done. *Peace*

Current Mood: cheerful

I started “The Artist’s Way” Recovery program today. Who knows how this is going to go long term but I suppose I can always start over if I need to. One of the frustrating things is that I can’t read over the “morning pages” which I know are mostly word vomit anyway so it’s not that I want to read them. The thing is, I’d like to count them towards my word goals for the day but they’re to be handwritten, not typed, no one is to see them or read including me, so physically counting the words isn’t an option because there's too much risk of me reading them. Not re-reading your morning pages is part of battling your “Inner Censor” or, The Cruel Critic as I’m starting to think of mine. My inner voice is an asshole y’all. I mean, I always knew that but one of the assignments for this week was to write down what the inner voice came up with when you wrote out “I, (insert name here), am a brilliant prolific writer.”

And dude? I’m a fucking asshole. One of the things from therapy was being nicer to myself and the truly terrifying part of seeing the things I’ve said about myself in my own head is that I used to be worse. I wish I could understand how I got so hateful towards myself. Like, okay kids were assholes to me and I always felt out of place and awkward, but I don’t think any of them were ever as mean as I was to myself.

One of the things she recommends is searching for who might have given you these insecurities and fears. Like trace them back to their originators. And while I was picked on for being overweight, a nerd, weird, wearing unfashionable clothes, not understanding personal hygiene for a while (don’t all sixth graders go through this?), etcetera etcetera etecera, I cannot think of a single instance when someone told me my writing was bad or that I should give up. In fact, as I search through my memories to writing classes and workshops, I can’t remember anything but kindness, support, and encouragement. So what the fuck? Did I do this to myself? And if so, how did this happen? How, growing up with a father who still says “when are you gonna write that bestseller?” In a completely, “you can do it so you should do it already” way do I still think of my writing as worthless trash? How did all those supportive, kind words go so far astray?

I had a teacher in high school who drove me to and from the UNC Charlotte campus from the boonies of Rowan County every day for two weeks so that I could participate in a writing workshop. A workshop I remember fondly and still have the booklet with our work and the notecards the participants wrote for me (we all wrote something nice for each participant). That seem teacher essentially created a Creative Writing II class at the high school so I could keep taking a creative writing course. My college professor weren’t really any less supportive. My classmates were supportive. But I guess I spent too much time thinking I would never be able to write a poem half as amazing as any poem Jason Mott ever wrote (he wrote The Returned, which was as a TV series for a minute and yes, we went to college together and I was in several classes with him even though I was a couple of years behind him and he is amazing - as a writer, as a poet, and as a person).

She talks about parents telling their kids to be “reasonable” but my dad told me to do my best and as long as I was happy I could be a (and this is a direct quote) “Redundant (unemployed) Siberian Shit-Shoveler from Sheffield” for all he cared. How amazing is that? My mother (so long as she continues to believe I’m straight, I guess, who knows what will happen if she ever figures out I’m definitely not that) thinks the sun shines out my ass and I could do anything I wanted including writing Christmas movies for the Hallmark Channel.

They talk about mean teachers and while I was terrified of Mrs. Teague I don’t remember her ever being discouraging. I had one teacher who wouldn’t call me by my preferred name but her class was also the class that I first truly understood that I wanted to write a book one day (I was in the first grade - about 6 years old) and that’s one of my two clear memories from that class (the other was refusing to answer by my given name instead of my nickname - I wish I still had that spunk 6 year old me had - she was badass). So not her then. My 6th grade English teacher was also a creative writing teacher and she was phenomenal. She chose my essay as a winner so I could be the “Lady” of our medieval castle day. My 7th grade teacher let me stay after school and use his computer to write the story I was supposed to write for his class. It was only supposed to be about five pages, but it was 25 by the time I was done. He even let me turn it in late with no penalty because I was enthusiastic about the project.

I mean seriously, I cannot think of a single villain in my pursuit of the creative except myself.

And isn’t that just a bitch? I can’t be mean to myself about it when I’m supposed to be helping myself heal. I mean beating myself up about it will not do me any good. I wish I had someone to blame though. I wish there was someone I could point to and go “There! That’s it! That’s the moment I started telling myself I could never really write! And it is his/her fault.” It would be so nice to have an external person to blame. But I don’t. And so I’ll just have to find a way to 1) forgive myself and 2) encourage and be kind to myself.

I see a lot more affirmations in my future.

Current Mood: crazy

I hit the resistance again today. After having not felt it for a few days, it was annoying to have it back. That’s okay though. I know that these types of things are common. I’m glad to have had some days without the resistance. I’ve read a little more of the book “The Artist’s Way” and I really do want to try her program. At the same time I feel incredibly overwhelmed about the upcoming things I have going on in my life. The next two weeks only involve a couple of weekend trips and a few appointments, but then it’s back to work during the busy season. Fall is always crazy in a way that Spring just never is. We’ll have the week in Atlanta for our sales kick off and then a couple of weeks later I’ll be taking off for DragonCon, plus there will be a visit from J who is coming in from California right before DragonCon. Then September and October tend to be my busiest work months. November is crazy. Honestly between the second week in August and the second week in December, I rarely have time to take a breath. And yes, I realize that there is never a “good time” to start a 12 week program but I think some times are just seriously worse than others. And fall is definitely the worst and busiest part of my year, bar none. At least while I’m working for Scholastic.

At the same time, I have a story to try to write, re-write, edit, and mail by July 25th. And if I’m blocked, I’m screwed. I really wanted to have the first draft written by Wednesday and I have no idea if that is going to happen. If I could get the first draft done by Wednesday, I know I could mail it by the following Tuesday (the 25th) or Wednesday at the latest and I feel like that’s enough time for it to make it to Atlanta by the 1st of August (the following Tuesday). Granted, I supposed I always have the option to just cancel the workshop. It’s just that I know I’d be canceling out of fear. The fear is what has me blocked anyway. It’s hard to be creative when you’re just so damned afraid. The “I have to write something good!” is so hateful to my creative brain and I know I’m not being fair to myself. At the same time, I don’t know how to stop. This lady says she knows how to help. That she can teach that part. I don’t know if she can tell me how to be a better storyteller, I think that’s something I have to learn other places and practice. But she says she does have a system for becoming consistently creative without all the blocked nonsense all the time. She calls it a recovery program, like AA or something. And I think I believe her.

And that’s the thing right? Like, what if she’s right? What if she doesn’t know exactly how to loosen up the strangle hold the inner critic has on my creative self? If that’s the case, how can I possibly justify putting it off?

Not to mention, as frustrating as my job can be and as busy as it can be, I only spend 40 hours there a week. I don’t take my job home with me, ever, and even if I stay until we close at 5pm every day of the week, that still puts me home in the evening with plenty of time to do creative work. And if there’s anything I’ve learned from the last 8 months or so, it’s that I absolutely cannot give up my creative pursuits because to give them up would be to give up on my mental health and that is something I know I cannot do.

She forewarns that it can be a difficult, emotionally exhausting journey, one that I’ll likely want to quit. Which means the other thing standing in my way is fear. Fear of what I’ll find and what I’ll feel and what I’ll have to face. Those aren’t things I can take lightly. I know everyone has a shitstorm of issues inside them - maybe some more than others but still I doubt anyone has been untouched by some sort of trauma at some point. I think we all build up walls of lies in some form or fashion so that we don’t have to face the things we don’t like about ourselves. It’s probably pretty normal to fear that too.

I fear I’ll be too tired from work to be able to handle whatever crises this thing makes me face. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to face what I need to face. I’m afraid I’ll quit.

I mean, I can’t fail if I don’t try, right? Which is, of course, exactly the attitude I’ve been hiding behind for years that I promised myself I wouldn’t let win (at least not on a regular basis anyway) earlier this year.

On top of all this, I go back to work in like two weeks and I’m dreading it. Part of me looks forward to seeing Emily at work all the time and I certainly don’t want to stay on unemployment no matter how much I wish I could retire already. The last few weeks have positively flown by and I know the next two weeks will be gone even faster. I’m trying to savor them, of course but they’ll still go by quickly. I keep hoping that by the end of these next two weeks, when I’m thinking, “Yup, back to work tomorrow,” that I’ll be sort of ready for it. Maybe not bored with being off exactly, I don’t think that’s possible, but ready. Maybe if Fall and Spring were reversed and spring was the busier season and fall was quiet and I could “ease” into going back to work, that would be more likely. And granted, it’s not impossible. It’s a six week break and that’s no small break. It’s really, really not. I mean, how many people get that kind of time off? Teachers, of course, get a bit more than that, but they take their jobs home with them every day. I’d bet those kids are always on their minds. Not to mention all the other crap they put up with, like parents and the government making dumb laws about standardized tests. Granted, I have to put up with a lot of Parent-Teacher-Associations/Organizations members. That is a mixed bag, I can tell you that. Although, so is working with teachers, librarians, and staff.

Sigh, I’m on a tangent. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do. I don’t want to start something I’m not committed to doing but I don’t want to not commit to something because I’m being a scared little wuss. I could probably debate this all night. Go round and round with myself about it but I’m not sure that it would help. I think I’ll go try a prompt and then maybe read for a bit. I’ve got a dentist appointment tomorrow so I’ll have to be in bed at an almost reasonable hour tonight.

Current Mood: confused

1) Survive and complete goals for Writo de Mayo - write at least 17k words and at least 26 days out of the 31 (meaning I can go without writing anything at all for five days out of the month).

2) Figure out getting the car fixed without tears and without dragging feet (too much).

3) Read my book club book "White Horses".

4) Read another book for my alphabet challenge.

5) Update the alphabet challenge.

6) Write at least two of my 100 Things posts which you can follow here.

7) Finish all the stories for

love_bingo. If possible, I'd like to post them.

8) Finish at least another disk (preferably 2) of Sailor Moon Season 4.

9) Continue to make progress in book cataloging.

10) Pick my next writing project (along the lines of another

avengers_tables or the

love_bingo card).

Well folks, I believe it's nap time for me. I'm seeing Avengers in just a few hours - SQUUUEEEEEEE!!!! <3

Current Mood: drained

Title: Thiever of iPods aka Dad

Characters: Darcy Lewis, Phil Coulson, Jane Foster, Erik Selvig

Summary: After all Jane's research is taken, Darcy calls her dad.

Verse: Marvel Movie Universe. / Thor 2011

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Small ones for Thor the Movie and one for my story "Pain in the... Head" as this is a sort of prequel

Warnings: None

Disclaimer: *I make no money from this and I mean no disrespect or harm. I'm also pretty sure that I am not damaging profits for those who do own the rights in anyway.*

love_bingo Prompt - Fatherhood

AO3

Theiver of iPods aka Dad

( Darcy has some very choice words for her father. )

Current Mood: cheerful

1) Plan the Wilmington Avengers Adventure (aka going to Wilmington, NC to hang out with my friend Jason and going to see the Avengers).

Time off - Check

Schedule Coordinated for Traveling - Check-ish

Picking a time and getting tickets - No where near...

2) Get new sheets.

Check!

3) Catalog what comics I have in which series in a way that is mobile so that I don't pick up duplicates.

Check.

Bought more comics and added them too.

4) Start Cataloging my books.

So far I've added 118 of my books. I've still got a long way to go before I've got all my books, but this is a very good start.

5) Take the printers and the old cameras to Best Buy to be recycled.

Check, check.

6) Write 15,000 words.

This is going very well. Less than 5,000 words left to go - Woot!

7) Finish at least one story from my

avengers_tables and if possible two as that will complete the table.

One check, two check, and table? Check!

8) Write a story for

love_bingo

Check! Two done, one is in the editing process and the other is finished, but can't be posted yet (this other story has to be posted first, but it's LONG and editing it is a BITCH).

9) Get and read my book club book.

Got the book, check. Reading the book in progress.

Current Mood: sleepy

Title: One Time It Wasn't Tony’s Fault

Characters: Tony Stark and Clint Barton (mentions of Black Widow/Natasha and Pepper Potts)

Pairing: Sort of Natasha/Clint and can be read as Tony/Pepper

Summary: Tony goes to the Medical Ward and runs into a fellow Avenger.

Verse: Marvel Movie Universe

Rating: Teen for adult situations and sexual concepts (there is no sex in the story).

Spoilers: Absolutely none.

Warnings: None, really.

Disclaimer: As much as I like to pretend, I have absolutely no rights to these characters.

Big thanks yet again to shanachie_quill, who is awesome.

This is a part of my "Texts From Last Night" mini-table stories.

The mini-table information is here.

And the AO3 link here.

One Time It Wasn’t Tony’s Fault

(But Just this One Time)

( Medical )

Current Mood: ecstatic

I have to say that I'm kind of excited about how well I'm doing with my monthly "To-Do" Lists. It seems that "publicly" making lists and then "publicly" announcing my success seems to be a good motivator for not ignoring (or forgetting) to do the things I said I want to do.

So now that the I've changed the calendar from Auggie to Will and Declan (thanks to

shanachie_quill for my awesome calendar full of my favorite hotties), I believe it is time to make April's list of shit to get done.

1) Plan the Wilmington Avengers Adventure (aka going to Wilmington, NC to hang out with my friend Jason and going to see the Avengers).

This is going to involve getting a couple of days off or my schedule changed, my schedule coordinated with Jason's, and buying tickets ahead of time.

2) Get new sheets.

3) Catalog what comics I have in which series in a way that is mobile so that I don't pick up duplicates.

4) Start Cataloging my books.

I was going through and cleaning and tidying up my books and I found three titles that I had 2 copies of apiece. That means there were 3 books I totally wasted money on - yeah I was a little peeved. Especially since two of them I have yet to read and one of them I started and couldn't finish because it was so badly written. You can imagine my annoyance. Now, I don't have a lot of comics (yet) but I have a TON of books. Most of the books I read, if I don't absolutely love them beyond love, I take them to the used bookstore which means that the vast majority of the books I have, I haven't read which makes it a lot harder to remember that I have it. I want to catalog my books in much the same way and for much the same reason as I do my comics. However, this is a massive undertaking and with every thing else I've got going on, I don't wanna push to complete this in a month. I do, though, want to make sure I get a good start on this.

5) Take the printers and the old cameras to Best Buy to be recycled.

6) Write 15,000 words.

7) Finish at least one story from my

avengers_tables and if possible two as that will complete the table.

8) Write a story for

love_bingo

9) Get and read my book club book.

Current Mood: determined

1) Read "Hunger Games" for Book Club.

Check!

2) Finish the 3rd part of "You're to Blame" or all the parts of my table, preferably both, but realistically that's likely to be too much.

Finished part 3 of "You're to Blame", finished one story from the table. So Check.

3) Write at least as much in March as I did in February.

Check, but more on this later

4) Work on the money situation.

Going alright. Mostly. Eh. Work in Progress.

5) Say yes to one social-able invitation that includes more than book club, fellowship, or friends who live in a different area, preferably involving people who you have not hung out with socially in the past.

Eh. Did go to a birthday party... Eh.

6) Make it so that you aren't the only one who can see the improvements in your living spaces.

Cleaned the crap out of my room. You can sit on the couch! Still got a junk desk essentially, but the improvement was "photo worthy". Should've taken a before and not just after pics.

7) Finish at least one, preferably two alphabet challenge books.

I did read two books for my alphabet list: Vanish and Kiss or Kill.

8) Decide of pointless posts like these count towards writing, and if so how to include them in the count... If they do count, require the word count for March be higher than that of February by at least 500 words.

Ah yes. So the decision was yes. I did include my ramblings from livejournal.

In February, I ended up with about 17,000 words which I didn't think was too shabby. Did I beat it? Yes, yes I did.

Okay, I know it's really silly, but I'm actually super excited about how much writing I did this month. The story I worked on the most is about to be edited so it is going to be a while before it is posted, though I'm very excited about it as it is the longest single part piece I've written.

The grand total end of the month word count? 27,100 meaning I wrote 10,000 more words this month than last.

There's no way in hell I do that in April, but it sure as hell felt awesome to write so very much when there are so many other things going on as well with work, other goals, and things with my family.

Current Mood: excited

Title: Found Nude In Tree
Characters: Tony Stark and Clint Barton
Summary: Clint got a ticket and it's all Tony's fault.
Verse: This sort of transcends movie verus comic universe idea and just goes for a cracky version of the essence of the characters.
Rating: Teen for language and drunken shenanigans
Spoilers: Absolutely none.
Warnings: Tony Stark.
Disclaimer: They are mine, all of them! Okay, not really, but that would make me happy.
Big thanks yet again to shanachie_quill, who as always, helps save my comma-happy ass.
This is the third of my "Texts From Last Night" mini-table stories.
The mini-table information is here.
And the AO3 link here.

Found Nude in Tree

( It's always Tony's fault. )

Current Mood: cheerful

I have to say that aside from recent breaks (which I'm surprisingly okay with if only because I've been getting so much writing done) TV Land has been very, very kind to me.

1) Chin/Summer - I realize it was a very, very brief moment between Chin and Summer in the recent episode of The Mentalist, but I squealed my pants off when I watched it. I mean I seriously squee-ed myself. It made me so very happy to see them together.

2) Walter - I love Walter. Walter is well, Walter is Walter. Further, Walter math is never wrong and if you haven't checked it out, I high recommend that you do.

3) In Plain Sight is back for its final season. I'm interested to see how they handle this.

4) Well Ladies and Gents of my mostly imaginary audience, it's happening. That's right, NCIS:LA and H50 are cross-overing (I'm aware that's not a real word, just go with it) with each other.

I can't begin to say how excited I am. Cannot even.

For your enjoyment! Or mine. Whichever.

Current Mood: cheerful

1) Read "Hunger Games" for Book Club.

2) Finish the 3rd part of "You're to Blame" or all the parts of my table, preferably both, but realistically that's likely to be too much.

3) Write at least as much in March as I did in February.

4) Work on the money situation.

5) Say yes to one social-able invitation that includes more than book club, fellowship, or friends who live in a different area, preferably involving people who you have not hung out with socially in the past. I will null this if the only invitation is to go on a date with a guy I'm not comfortable saying yes to. I do need a good reason to not be comfortable, though, no offense meant to any one who has them, but having children counts - I'm not ready to be in dating situation that involves children. It is important that I stay out of the lives of children I cannot, at this time in my life, commit to. Also, this does not require me to say yes to people I don't like, such as Wendy, who makes me angry but seems to think we're friends.

6) Make it so that you aren't the only one who can see the improvements in your living spaces.

7) Finish at least one, preferably two alphabet challenge books.

8) Decide of pointless posts like these count towards writing, and if so how to include them in the count... If they do count, require the word count for March be higher than that of February by at least 500 words.

Current Mood: sleepy

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Confessions of Fangirl

Fangirl all the time

Entries tagged with real life: i am ridiculous

Salt Water, Fresh Start

The Continued Mild Adventures of Kate

DragonCon and the Library Job

Library Interview

Seasonal Kick Off and Reading Deprivation

Work tomorrow and more whining but also a lot to look forward to

Morning Glory! And shopppppinnnnggg

My Dad Once Told Me "There's no crying in book fairs"

Pens, Pens, and more Pens

Crusher of Dreams

Decision: To Artist's Way or Not to Artist's Way

April Showers bring May ... Goals?

Thiever of iPods aka Dad - A Darcy Story

Mid Month Check-In

One Time It Wasn't Tony’s Fault (Avengers Humor Fic)

April's Goals :)

March Check List

Found Nude In Tree (Avengers Humor Fic)

TV Land

"Goals" for March