Confessions of Fangirl

Brain dump time. I’m feeling stuck on a school assignment. Actually, I don’t know if stuck is the right word, exactly, maybe overwhelmed. There’s so much to choose from and I’m just feeling like everything is too much and I read things but I don’t process things. I was doing okay. I did manage to finish a short essay last night that’s due on Friday so I’m glad about that. Not that I’ll be posting it just yet. I probably need to make a few more edits. I say that, but really it’s just the fearful procrastinator in me who wants everything to be beyond reproach or not done at all because then I won’t be “rejected.” If you don’t try, your grade isn’t a reflection of your efforts, which is an absolutely lousy way to live. I don’t want to keep living that way. I’m always afraid that people will laugh at me and reject me. I love people who say “other people’s opinions don’t matter!” I’m not saying they’re wrong, I’m just saying that my brain and feelings absolutely care about what other people think, and when they reject me the pain is unbearable. I don’t know how to tell you that I can’t stop that reaction, that no amount of prep work or platitudes makes that pain any less. I don’t think people who don’t have Rejection Sensitivity get it. I really don’t think they understand at all. I wish I didn’t feel this way. It’s an awful, awful feeling to have. Any little bit of criticism or perceived rejection is devastating and debilitating. Okay, maybe not “any,” but it definitely doesn’t take much to send me into a spiral of self-hatred and grief all because someone else said they didn’t like something I made or said or did. Logically I know I can’t make everyone like me. Logically I know that I shouldn’t even care if someone people don’t like me. Not to mention that if someone doesn’t like something I did, that doesn’t mean that they don’t like me personally. Lots of time it’s not personal, or at least it isn’t personal to them. It always feels personal to me. 

I haven’t had a lot of time or energy for personal writing. I’ve done a bit here and there. I have been hosting a “young writers” group at work once a month, but that’s only been two sessions so far and now those are canceled for a while. But with school and work, I just haven’t felt the creative urge much. I know there have been times I’ve opened a word document, written a sentence, and then totally spaced or gotten distracted or called to work on something else. It just hasn’t felt worth it to write. But with this virus, my work is shut down which means I have more time for writing. 

Now I still have school, and I’ve been working on a big project that’s due tomorrow night so it’s not like I’ve had nothing to do. I also had a week off of work because I was sick. So far as I know I had a cold, and then lower left lobe pneumonia. I was on antibiotics for two weeks, four days of one type of antibiotic before switching to another because nothing was getting better. I never had much of a fever, though I did have a low-grade one here and there. I also had shortness of breath, which was a little worrying, but again, with taking sick leave for a week--one that thankfully coincided with my school’s spring break--I felt much better. I went back to work for two days before they decided to close my library. We have emergency pay for two weeks, and then we’re not sure what’s going to happen. Right now they’re working on ways for people to work from home. I know I can work from home and I have so many webinars and online training sessions saved as “to do” that I could fill up at least a month or two of days working from home, never mind the projects for my Reader Advisory Team that I said I would do that I just haven’t been able to do because of the customer demand at our branch. They also want to know what kind of stuff we’re good at, including if we’re good at customer service via chat, phones, and social media. I haven’t used social media in a professional setting, but I did answer account and technical support questions via email, chat, and phone for two years back before I started working at Scholastic. Everything I did with Scholastic was via phone and email too. And I’ve created multiple pieces of training and presentations for coworkers and customers alike at my last two or three jobs. I feel like there is plenty I could be doing that would be honestly productive during my time at home. Although part of me is really enjoying this time off. 

I’ve had way too much time on my hands in some ways. I’ve been for a few walks and read a book. I’m working on my homework, though that’s slow going because I have way more time to do it than is good for my sense of urgency when it comes to getting it done. That is what I should be doing right now. I guess I’ll get back to it, but I am hoping that I’ll get a little bit of creative writing done while this quarantine goes on. I don’t want to miss out on my paycheck which likely means I’ll be working from home, but part of me does kind of like the idea of not working for a little while and just getting to mostly stay home and do nothing. I definitely need to start washing my hair more though...