float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (behold the power of slash)

Master List of FanFics, links to the "chapters" (for lack of a better word) and AO3 if available. Most of my stories are on AO3 but the ones I wrote for specific people are not currently. 

Hawaii 5-0 Danny/Steve )

Hawaii 5-0 Kono/Chin )

Alex/Scott (Hawaii 5-0 actors) RPS  )

Hawaii 5-0 or Related One Shots and/or No Pairings )

Sanctuary  )

X-Men )

Avengers 2012 )


Please let me know if any of the links are wrong. Questions are welcome. Comments are love :D
float_on_alright: live a f y life (live life af)
The last couple of weeks have been SO FREAKING CRAZY. First, I got the library job!! I’m so excited and terrified etc. etc. etc. I still have to pass my background check and I am a little concerned that my credit check might be an issue. I mean my credit is okay but I’ve got debt and a lot of it is not very responsible. Not that it’s been a problem in the past it’s just that this is the most intense background check I’ve ever had done--including when I worked as a group leader at the after school “care” program where I looked after children. I mean I get it to an extent. This is definitely the type of job where I’ll be around teens and kids and families and the general public of course. 

In the midst of figuring out the new job situation, I had DragonCon. Which was amazing. So amazing. I loved it. It was stressful occasionally being pushed in with so many people. They had record attendance this year and there were over 80,000 people crammed into like a four block area. It might be a little more than that, but honestly not much. The hotels are giant of course which helps but you're still talking about a lot of people. It’s a great time though overall and even though you're crammed into a room with 10,000 (okay, it’s more like 4,500 that fit in that room) other people to see Alex Kingston and Karen Gillan after waiting in a line that wrapped around a building or two you still feel pretty safe. I do occasionally worry what would happen if there was a fire. 

I’m an anxious person in general and the thought of trying to get that many people out of a room in the event of an emergency is pretty terrifying. But they are strict about room capacities and not letting more people in than allowed by codes etc. which does help. Still, on Saturday when I couldn’t move more than two inches at a time on the bottom floor of the Hyatt Regency… Or was it the Marriott? No I think it was the Hyatt...It definitely wasn’t the Sheraton, the Westin, or the Hilton... while I was trying to find where the line was going to be to see the Wynonna Earp panel, I did envision a horrible, fiery death after getting trampled by a stampede of nerds. 

Thankfully that didn't happen. 

The panels were amazing. I had so much fun. 

It’s weird how the panels make you feel like you’re getting personal time with the celebs. I mean you can go to the “Walk of Fame” and get actual personal time with the celebs of course, but you still somehow feel a personal connection to them when they’re answering questions from audience members for an hour in front of a sea of people. 

Michael Rosenbaum actually did jump out into the audience and get very up close and personal with quite a few members of the crowd which was great fun. He is a great storyteller. Just so freaking funny. A couple of my friends go see him whenever they can though I did hear some of my other friends say he can be an ass. I don’t know anything other than that I’ve enjoyed a good bit of the stuff he’s done (he’s my fave Lex Luthor, judge me if you want) and that he was wonderful to his fans at the panel and a great storyteller. His was one of my favorite panels. 

I’m still not over the Wynonna Earp panels. I went to two. I wanted to try to go to all four but I had to choose between seeing the third one and getting to see my friends plus the Michael Rosenbaum panel and one of the panels John Cusack did and since I love both those guys and my friends and I had already seen two Wynonna Earp panels, I made the choice to see the other stuff. I don’t regret the decision. I think I made the best choice I could, given the circumstances, and I’m really glad I got to spend a few hours with my friends. I still wish I could’ve made it to all four. The fourth was on while I was having lunch but I wasn’t going to miss lunch with Reb and Molls. I was jealous of my friend Casey who when to see the cast on the walk of fame while I was at lunch. She got to chat with Emily Andras about the writing and got a hug from Tim Rozon and Shamier Anderson and then meet Kat Barrell.

I still got to meet two authors I really like. One writes my favorite Sterek fics and wrote one of my all time favorite books. I’ve pre-ordered the next in her series and she says she’s sending signed copies for people who pre-ordered so I’m super excited to get that. Her official author name is C.B. Lee and I loooooooovvveee “Not Your Sidekick.” I’m anxiously awaiting “Not Your Villian” which comes out in mid-October. There is so much amazingness coming in the next few month or so. 

I’m going to a concert this weekend with my friend Casey which means my fourth trip to Atlanta since the last weekend in July. It’s like I go down there every other week now, lol. And if I’m not working, I hope to go down there for their Pride in October. I’ll be working rotating weekends at the library and I think that means working Sunday having a couple of days off during the week and then working Saturday and being off the Sunday after. Which means that you would always have at least one weekend day off each weekend make make it so that you only had the whole weekend off every three weeks if I’ve thought about this correctly. I’m not sure I’m thinking about that correctly. But looking at a calendar, it might actually work out. I’d have to make up another reason to go down there but I’m sure I could think of something. 

Besides, I’ve always wanted to go to a Pride event but I can’t risk going in my own town right now unless my family is at the beach or something. Even that would be risky but I’m not known for going out on the weekends unless it’s for a special occasion or I’m with people. 

One of the other great things I have coming up is my friend visiting from California!! I can’t wait to see her! Even more tricky is that another friend is visiting that same weekend from Minnesota. They’re really not similar and I don’t think California friend would like Minnesota friend. Minnesota friend is what I would call an acquired taste. She can come off condescending and a little rude. She's really wonderful and smart and she loves her friends fiercely but it takes a while to peel back the other shit to see it. My California friend on the other hand is funny and quirky and while she’s smart, she’s not the grad school for a environmental health science grad school kind of smart. And she’s a bit into the occult and the other friend is agnostic and thinks almost anything spiritual or religious is bullshit. 

They have a lot in common in some ways. They both grew up without siblings around (one because their youngest sibling was more than a decade older and one because she was an only child). They both have issues with Christian religion stuff. They’re both friends with me so that’s something right? But I just don’t see them mixing well? I don’t know. Sometimes I just don’t think some of my friends will get others. I don’t know how I ended up with friends who are so different from each other even though I’m fiercely connected to each of them. I guess that’s probably something that happens to everyone? I’ve just never really noticed it, probably. 

There is so much more I want to talk about but it’s 3am and I have a big day tomorrow and lots of adventuring to do. Not to mention that I really need to tidy my room and clean the bathroom. 

float_on_alright: kate bishop with her head on a desk in exasperation (asdf)
I’m exhausted. We had our big “zone” meeting this week. This year they did it in Atlanta which turned out to be pretty nice. I think this week’s was the best food so far when it comes to these meetings. This is my fifth one (I’ve been at the company four years but I went to the first one a week into my first year so) and while it was full of a lot of bullshit there were also a lot of great fun moments. I mostly managed to write my morning pages though sometimes they took have the day. It’s just hard when you’re sharing a room with someone to manage that. You’re sharing all the space. And the light. And if you set an alarm it wakes them up too. And just, yeah, then they’re there and if they’re up they often like to talk about the upcoming day. One morning I was just too hungover to manage it. It was all I could do to listen through the speech that morning and DEAR GOD IT WAS THE WORST SPEECH I HAVE EVER HAD TO SIT THROUGH but i had to sit down for a minute after every action until about 10am. Once I got to 10, I was able to mostly get back on track. It still took all day to write those three pages. But whatever, I wrote them. 

I also didn’t read for four days and that is the end of my reading deprivation. I’ll make it through today but I’m going back to reading tomorrow. I have never, in my life, gone this long without reading. Even before I could read, I read more than this or was read to and that counts if listening to audiobooks counts and it does. Anyway, yeah, done with the deprivation thing. Super, duper over it. I get, really, really, really get why it’s assigned and It’s been an interesting exercise and it did make me figure out something else to do when my “default” wasn’t available to me--which is good. I needed to push myself a little. And this week was a good week for that because there was a ton going on. But where I often would’ve retreated to a book to give myself a break from the onslaught of people and input, I forced myself to stay present and participate and talk to people or just sit quietly and let the noise wash over me. I do think it was good for me to take a few days away. And I think I should probably keep something of this lesson with me for the future. Remember to people watch more often, indulge in music regularly, and to sit with my emotions without hiding from them when they well up. 

I will commit to the writing again though. I’m supposed to be writing or editing or participating in workshops or other supportive creative endeavors for at least an hour a day. Well, starting tomorrow. I’m exhausted tonight after the shenanigans from this week. I need to go get my laundry out of the wash and clean off my bed and then I’ll probably head to bed. I’m just worn out and so ready to sleep alone and in my own bed again. 

I'm supposed to do an artist’s date every week, but I don’t know what to do for myself this week. Honestly, I’m really just too tired to think about anything at all so I probably shouldn’t be trying to tackle this problem now, but I only have tomorrow and Saturday left. Tomorrow all I really want to do is sleep and read and neither of those things really counts as an artist’s date. I should probably leave this as a problem for tomorrow but sometimes when I’m this tired I can’t let a problem go. It’s like my brain doesn’t know how to shut down any more and it gets fixated on problems that it “needs to solve” even though I’ll be able to do a much better job at coming up with ideas and figuring out a plan for them once I’ve rested. It’s aggravating that sometimes I’m too tired to logic myself into going to bed when that’s what's needed to set me to rights so that I can start thinking again. I’m talking in circles. Or something. Dammit. 

float_on_alright: dies from epic overdose (dies from epic overdose)
Part of me wanted to do some writing tonight but we’ve had such a fun day and it’s already after 1:30 in the morning and we’ve been fangirling and laughing and such pretty much all day. I have been doing my morning pages so it’s not like I’ve totally neglected my writing but I haven’t done anything fictional in a few days either. Even as I type this though, the kitten in here with me likes to attacking my hands because of the way my fingers move across the keyboard. It’s cute but he nearly dragged my iPad off the bed once already tonight and I’m not much interested in him trying again. Plus I’m tired. We spent like five hours at the pool today and I ended up with just a touch of sunburn and she ended up with more than touch -- even with the sunscreen and spending some of our time in the shade or under an umbrella. The cat just attacked my hands again and now he’s rubbing the screen with his face. I think I’m just going to read and try again tomorrow. Good night you all! 

P.S. I'm really excited for DragonCon. 

float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)
 

I didn’t do much new writing yesterday because I was so focused on getting the alien story ready to go that I just didn’t have the energy to do anything fresh. I am doing my morning pages so there is that and I feel good about those. I woke up this morning around 730 so I’d have time to write them before I went to my Employment Services meeting at 9. And you know, it feels like I’m being productive. It feels like I’m starting my day on a good foot even if all I’m doing is bitching about being up early or rambling about my family. I haven’t been counting the words, so I don’t know what kind of words I’m getting from them, as I’ve mentioned. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about that but I actually feel pretty okay about it.


I’d kind of like to create a morning routine. I’ve struggled in the past with mornings but it would be nice if I had a good morning before I got to work. Because I never know what my day is going to bring so if I could create a good morning for myself, maybe I’d feel like I had a little more control over my life and maybe then I’d be less anxious. Maybe not, but it would still be nice to feel like I had a good morning before the work begins. I don’t know what I want that routine to look like other than that it would include the morning pages. I guess that’s a good question and one that I’ll have to think about, but I think it’s a good goal.


I think ideally it would involve a few minutes meditating too, though I’d have to be carefully not to fall asleep which would be really easy that early. Maybe Yoga would be a better option. That’s meditative but with movement. I don’t think it would involve breakfast just because I’m not usually hungry that early. So what would that look like? 15 - 20 minutes of gentle yoga or meditation, 30 minutes of morning pages and then get ready and head off to work? If I get that down, I can think about adding other things. I really hope I take better care of myself this fall than I did last fall. I was seriously lacking in the self care department until I was a mess.


I went on a shopping spree today. It was wonderful. I have this feeling in my gut that I’m going to need more business casual clothes soon. I don’t know why I feel that way. I haven’t heard any indication that we won’t be allowed to wear jeans on a regular basis, but I guess we’ll have to see. Either way, I made sure to get some new nice things. I’m going to have to throw out some of my older shirts because they’re starting to get holes in them or just generally wear out. Some of them I’ve had since I worked at the library in 2010 - 2011 so I really can’t be upset about it. Seven years is a long time to last for a shit that I like and wear often.


When I was shopping for shirts today - I had ordered some bottoms a couple of weeks ago - I saw all these lovely fall sweaters and cozy shirts on sale and I sighed. I wish that I could wear that stuff. We barely have any kind of winter here (like 2 weeks of snow, 3 - 4 of 40 - 50 degree F) and the rest of the time it’s warm to Satan’s … you get the picture) and because I’m so warm natured, I can’t wear those kinds of things inside with the heat on because I roast. My “winter wardrobe” is pants instead of shorts and capris and a coat over my summer shirts.


Anyway, I’m excited for my new things and it slightly cheers me up about going back to work next week.

float_on_alright: there's no crying in baseball (no crying in baseball)
I took a bit of a break from writing yesterday. After shoving my way through my alien story, I needed a breath. I read my ARC of “Bring the Heat” and thoroughly enjoyed it. Then I finished one of the other books from the same series (an older title that I hadn’t read yet that was more of a novella side story than anything else) called “A Tale of Two Dragons” which was super cute. It was great to have a night reading in the beach condo by myself. I mean, mom was in the bedroom but it was still good to have a couple of hours that weren’t “work hours” that I had to myself. I do so love having that. 

We’re back at the house now. It feels weird to think that we were at the beach this morning. We only got home right before 5pm but it feels like we’ve been back for days. I have a feeling that I’ll have the same kind of displacement when I go back to work next week. It’s not a bad gig and it pays so much better than everything else I’ve done my anxiety is also a total fucking bitch (sorry) about that job. I cringe every time I hear a phone ring, even if it isn’t mine. It’s totally ridiculous, I know. But I honestly hear the sound of that phone ring in my nightmares sometimes. There aren't many other jobs where I’d have this kind of time off in the summer or make money without working a billion hours a week or working with a product that I didn’t believe in (at the very least I believe in kids reading) so I don’t know that I want another job. I spent a good portion of Monday’s and Tuesday's these past few weeks looking for jobs to apply to and I can’t say there was anything that I really, really wanted to do. 

And the thing is, my anxiety is going to follow me wherever I go. I like to pretend like it’s the job so that I have something tangible to blame, but I don’t think that’s fair to my work. And my coworkers on a whole aren’t bad. Plus there’s E, who I have a tremendously good time with. If only S weren’t a barnacle, but you can’t win everything. 

I know the problem is that I really want to be writing as a job. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to write full time but to be able to do it part time and work at a library part time would be so amazing. If I’m honest, that’s what I really want for my life. 

Of course, I’m also terrified of going after that goal, but, like I said, anxiety will follow me everywhere. I have to battle it, not avoid things that make it rear up. This workshop has me tied up in knots too, even with the story completed. I’m going to work on editing tomorrow after mom and I have lunch with my sister. 

I need to start exercising again. And start tracking my food again. See if I can’t lose a few pounds. I’m not aiming to be skinny, but I’d like to aim to be a little at risk for diabetes and heart disease, etc. etc. etc. That just seems like a good idea. I hope that going back to work will help me get back into a routine. I also hope that I will have a routine that includes a healthy amount of sleep. 

float_on_alright: clint doesn't want spoilers (clint doesn't like spoilers)
I was not even a little bit in the mood to write today. I wasn’t in the mood to do anything today if I’m honest. Well, anything except read. I finally got to the book I’d been wanting to get to in the series and it was everything I’d hoped it would be. *Happy Sigh* 

On the other hand, I’ve been feeling a bit miserable. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t written anything new or if I’m feeling like I’ve gotten in over my head with a few of the things I’ve signed up for over the last six months or so (possible since I’ll now have regularly scheduled accountability and mastermind calls possibly for the rest of my life and I honestly don’t know how that happened to me), or maybe because for the first time in months I didn’t have anything immediately pressing and I didn’t know what to do with myself, or if maybe I’m just hormonal (that’s certainly possible too). 

I don’t feel like I thought I would feel having finished the Lit Mag Love course though I think it’s largely because I’m afraid of what comes next. Part of the deal was that you would get her help until such a time as you get published in one of the journals you thought would do well for your work. Which means there’s a high probability that one of my stories will, in the next year or so, get published in a journal somewhere. Which, dear God, what was I thinking? I mean, I know what I was thinking. And I know that I do actually want to get published. I know that I do, but the idea of it is terrifying. 

And that is probably why I’ve been miserable and wallowing for a large part of today. The idea of successfully getting something I wrote in a journal is terrifying. I mean, I’m likely to be rejected for a while. I’m likely going to need to do a lot more work writing a lot more stories before I get there, but it actually feels like there’s a real chance I could get there. If I'm honest, there’s one journal that I think my story would really be suited for that I sent it to. I had only planned to send my story to just that journal but I don’t have enough other things ready to be able to submit other stories other places. 

I know I’ve already talked about the five submissions thing so I won’t get back into that for right now but I guess I just really think that one journal should take my story. Which means I know I’ll be frustrated, sad, and disappointed if they’re not interested. I know I can’t take stuff like that personally. I really, really do. And I know that my writing needs a lot of work so I should just remember that this is part of the learning process but I know there will be a moment when I’ll be hurt. But, I handled it when my Mrs. Claus story got rejected and I’ll handle it when it this one does too. I’m just hopeful that this one is closer to being the kind of story journals will say yes than the last one. And that the next one will be closer. And the rejections will simply be opportunities to make my stories better, nothing more and nothing less. 

Granted I was in a decent mood until mom wanted me to leave the house - I mean, I had to put on clothes including a boob prison. I just wore a sports bra which is slightly less aggravating, but I still wasn’t happy about having to “people” today. I just really, really didn’t want to people today. Not that the people we peopled with weren’t lovely. I just didn’t want to do it. I need to make myself a general schedule for the rest of the summer so that I’m productive every day in a way that feels good to me. I was overwhelmed productive the last few days and that didn’t feel good and then today I wasn’t remotely productive. I mean, I washed a few dishes and I listened to that book. I know listening to a fourteen hour book (on a 1.25 setting) in about 23 hours is sort of productive but I know if I don’t work on my projects over the next two and half weeks, I’ll be mad at myself for “wasting” the time. Not to mention that I really do have to have that stuff put together for the DragonCon writing workshop by August first. And actually I’d like to have it done before I go visit my friend Casey the last weekend of this month (good grief, where does the time go?) which is only like 15 days away. That’s two weeks and a tiny bit. 

Seriously, where does the time go?

float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)
 

I think I’m going to make. I found two more places to submit to, reworked my cover letters, and fired away. I also did the next assignment which was to write the people whose opinions of your writing really matter on a 1 inch by 1 inch piece of paper. I don’t have a ruler so I had to wing it, but I figure no one can complain about me putting three people on the list. I mean, that should be short enough to fit on a 1 square inch piece of paper. Especially if I shortened their names or wrote them really small, right? Anyway, while I’m sure the visual reference is helpful, and I might do it one day, I think the message of the assignment was clear. I guess what I’m saying is, I’m a “spirit of the law” kind of girl and that ain’t gonna change anytime soon.


Part of me wants to power through the other two assignments tonight, but I think I need some rest. I think that I’ll be able to complete them tomorrow more easily and quickly having got some real sleep.


Tomorrow will also hopefully involve some writing something that isn’t a journal entry, but we’ll see. I’m also eager to finish the book I’m listening to. It’s interesting to me that the narrator of the stories isn’t a narrator I’ve been thrilled with in the past but I still think I’d rather stick with listening to the stories instead of reading them. I’m not totally sure, but I am leaning that way. Normally I find her barely tolerable and it’s not like she’s doing such a better job on these than she did on the others I’ve heard by her. Maybe it’s just that these books are so much better than the other books I’ve heard her read. Not that the other books were bad, they weren’t. It’s just that those other books were… “well, that was fun” as opposed to what I’m listening to now which is more like, how can I get five more minutes listening to this book. I know, I’ll empty the dishwasher, that way “I’m being productive” so I won’t feel guilty about how I’m spending this time but I can still listen to the book.


What I’m reading now is by one of my all time favorite writers, Shelly Laurenston. I just relistened to her “Pride” series, which is probably my favorite series by her though her “Call of Crows” series is fantastic too and I enjoyed her “Magnus Pack” series too. This series is under her pen name (I think it’s her pen name and not the other way round), G.A. Aiken. It’s Dragons and witches and warlords and shit. Where her shapeshifter books take place in modern, earth times, Dragon Kin takes place in a world of Dragon Gods and swords. Both epically fun though. You have to have an affinity for cursing, bloodshed, raunchy language, and sort of questionable or unstable main characters, but I find them hilarious and exciting. She’s one of the few authors I still read that doesn’t really pass the “But is it gay?” question. She does have an odd side character (I can think of 2 for sure and a 3rd I suspect) who turns out to be gay, but they’re not developed. Still though, I enjoy her main characters. Her female characters are especially fun to me because they’re usually vicious (though in different ways, sometimes with violence, but sometimes in craftiness) and funny.  I mean, one of her characters has the moniker “The Blood Queen” and she’s actually a queen. “The Viper” and “The Beast” are really fun too. “The Beast” is plain and bespectacled and brilliant. One of the characters in the “Pride” series is famous for her favorite saying which she got from her father, “Time to start the killing.” And Cella Malone is a former marine, a bare knuckles boxer, and a hockey player. There’s all kinds of “politics” between shifters and packs and families and it’s just fun. She’s also suppppper diverse with characters who are of a bunch of different backgrounds and descents.


And I’m officially rambling. But seriously, I love that author. She’s got another series she’s going to be doing soon, I think it’s coming out next year that has me really excited.


So now that I’ve blown off some steam writing about the author of the book I want to be reading, I’m going to go listen to the book for a bit and get some sleep.


float_on_alright: apologize in advance as I slowly go nuts (apologize in advance as I slowly go nuts)

Here’s yesterday’s list for the weekend:


  1. Give 2 more people feedback. Check.
  2. Edit “Monster in Manhattan.” Check.
  3. Edit my cover letter. Check.
  4. Figure out which other four magazines I’m submitting my story to since I’d already picked one. Picked five, couldn’t use three. Found another one I couldn’t use. Picked another story for for a flash fiction magazine only to find they’re currently closed for submissions. Found one that is a bit absurdist and submitted a story that honestly wouldn’t be appropriate for any other lit magazine I’ve ever seen but just might fit there. Two more submissions to figure out.
  5. Rework my cover letter four times. Didn’t need a cover letter for one magazine. Reworked it for my other submission. Likely two more reworks to go.
  6. Attempt to send my reworked cover letters to the correct magazines along with my story. Again, three down, two to go.


Once I get that done there are three more assignments to the online course, but I’ve looked over them and from what I can tell, they’re manageable. If I can figure out the last couple of submissions tomorrow, I feel confident I can finish the rest in time. Of course, that'll have to be worked around the fellowship thing with mom in the morning and volunteering in the library in the afternoon. I'm going to be so thankful to be shelving tomorrow and listening to my book.

float_on_alright: books who says you can't buy love (who says you can't buy love)
So what did I do tonight after dinner instead of adding my journals and contests to my lists or writing? I watched an episode of Pretty Little Liars, which, actually I’d already watched half of, so that really wasn’t that bad and I read the second half of a book I’d started when I was laying out at this beach this morning. I wish my Kindle kept track of how long it took me to read a book. I mean, I know I get distracted or interrupted while the book is open so it wouldn’t be perfect, but I’d really love to see how many approximate reading minutes it took me to read something. I know I could time myself, but I get too distracted. I’d forget to start the thing when I was reading or I’d forget to stop it when I had to put the book down to do something else. Amazon must have some of that information right? I mean, it tells you when you open the book how long it typically takes to read. Although, they are probably basing that on the idea that people typically read so many words (I think it’s like 350) per minute and then dividing the number of words in the book by that. Or maybe the number of pages decided by a minute per page (which I think is about average?). Great, now I really want to know what they base these things on. That’s a question for Google later. 

Tomorrow is Friday and I haven’t done any of the feedback pieces I need to do and I feel like there's another goal for the week that I set for myself that I have since forgotten. That happens sometimes, I set a goal on Monday and by Tuesday I’ve completely forgotten I’ve set it. I have, on more occasions than I’d like to admit, gone to check what I wrote on Monday for my goals to see if I’ve done any of it. After getting caught on Friday way behind on my goals on quite a few embarrassing occasions, I have tried to make a habit of checking the goal list on Wednesday to help me stay on track. This week at the beach I decided to watch XXX: Return of Xander Cage instead - you can judge me if you want but I’m having some seriously shippy feelings about some of the ladies and Ruby Rose. 

I watched something else recently that was giving me a lot of shippy feelings … Power Rangers maybe. Hmm. Oh well, I’m sure I’ll remember it later. I do love shippy feelings. 

Ohhhhh, you know it wasn’t something I was watching, it was something I was reading. I got the first issue of “Spell on Wheels” a few days ago. I don’t know how I hadn’t come across it yet, but it was a marvelous opening issue. I know there are only like 5 issues so far and I’m unsure if it’s continuing any further. I’m kind of annoyed I’m just now finding out about this thing. It’s about three witches who are friends and roommates who have some of their things taken from them and they have to go on a quest to get there stuff back. Soooo many shippy feelings. I’m looking forward to reading more of that. I also read some more Lumberjanes and I just love that series so, so much. 

So my goals for tomorrow are as follows:

Find something to post to Becoming Writer Workshop. Recommend doing further edits to “Monster in Manhattan” story and posting the second draft. 
Find six more contests and journals to send off to. 
Pick a writer to contact and get clear about the contact. Ask any necessary questions. 
Give three people feedback on the workshop website.

Goals for Saturday:

Write letter to writer. 
Watching the video for, and start working on the next assignment in the LitMagLove class. 

Goals for Sunday:

Work more on LitMagLove
File for unemployment

I’ve got the fellowship thing going on too so it’s going to be a busy weekend. I won’t be able to stay up all night and work on these goals either because I’ll have to be up around 8 or 8:30 Saturday and Sunday. Those aren’t terrible times to be up but it definitely means that I can’t stay up until 4am. It’s hard enough for me to stay awake through this stuff as it is, but it will get my mom off my back for a little while at least. 

I was logging my reading on my library’s summer reading program--they have a program for adults--and I saw that the “goal” for the summer was to earn 1,000 points for reading and other activities like volunteering. They have reading lists you can do too, but none of them particularly called to me. At any rate, I’m currently at a little over 3,000 points so I must’ve made that 1000 goal a bit a go. I know other adults have kids and don’t get summers off like I do so it isn’t like it’s hard for me like it can be for other people. Still, I have to laugh at myself because I finished two books today and listened to about 2 hours of another. I know there are people who read like that all the time. I wish I could speed read, but actually the rate at which I read a page is not much over average. I just spend so much time doing it that I end up reading a ton. 

I was going to go to bed early tonight so that I could wake up a little earlier tomorrow (and by “earlier”, I mean before 11am) to get started on my goals. It would be great if I could finish the Friday list and get started on the Saturday list tomorrow but we’ll see how that goes. I honestly cannot believe that tomorrow is Friday. These days have been going by so quickly! I’m looking forward to Wynonna for sure. And Killjoys, though I haven’t watched last week’s yet. Man, I have so many things I want to do! I know I’ll look forward to having my real paychecks again when I go back to work, but I honestly don’t know how I’m going to fit all the things I want to do in before we go back. 

float_on_alright: lust for books (lust for books)
Today was our last day at the beach for awhile, at least for me and mom. Mom can come back pretty much any time but it’s a little more difficult for me to pick up and go whenever. Someone has to watch the dog and my mom has a really hard time being alone. She’s thrown tantrums more or less. She tries though, when she knows something is important to me and I give her a lot of notice, not to make me feel guilty. But if it’s me and dad off on an adventure without her, she feels lonely AND left out and it’s just too much. 

I digress. Today was the last day so I got up “early” to spend some time lazing in the pool with Daddy and cook under the sun. I think I mostly managed to avoid getting sunburned. I’m a little sunburned on my face where I initially forgot to put on sunscreen, but it’s just a bit of pink on the forehead and I think there might be a couple of pink spots on my back. I’m going to try to get up a little early tomorrow too so that I can spend a little time in the sun reading before we go. I just love the sun baking pool water off my body while I daydream or read. 

I know I have work to do, really I do. And with the fellowship (church type) stuff going on this weekend, I’m going to have a lot of my time taken up Saturday and Sunday so I’m really going to have to buckle down when I get home tomorrow. Like for real. 

It’s not that I don’t like the work. I do like the work. Sometimes I feel discouraged and sometimes I get stressed but it’s only because I care about it so much. Really, I love the work. I’m just terrified of it. I’m pretty sure I’ve sung this song before but it always makes me feel better to talk about being afraid of it. It reminds that it is okay to be scared of it as long as I’m still doing it. 

Everyone needs me to shut down the super bright light for now so I’ll just have to go back to work tomorrow. 

float_on_alright: weather forecast for tonight - dark (weather forecast for tonight)
Update on the fireworks, there are a ton of people putting off fireworks right at the beach and lemme tell you something, South Carolina Fireworks are not dicking around. There were so many people putting off good fireworks that I honestly felt like I should’ve had to pay for the pleasure of seeing the show. It’s been about an hour since they started and they’re still going out there. I can hear them bursting about 50 yards away from our condo balcony. It was glorious. I really do love fireworks. My mom is like a kid in a candy store or waiting up for Santa so I must have gotten that love from her. Dad likes to tease her about it but dad likes to tease her about pretty much everything. 

Tomorrow is our last day here. I may try to get up earlier than I have been in order to enjoy the sun before it becomes midday brutal. I love sunbathing and reading. Dad always wants to sit in the pool and talk or sit beside the pool and talk and mom likes to sit on the edge of the pool with her feet in the water and talk. Not that I mind that, I enjoy that too. I’d just like to do more laying quietly and reading than they do. It’s one of my favorite pastimes and it’s only available to do properly a few months out of the year. Granted, I’m not much less cranky about being interrupted reading in another form or fashion either. 

The worst is when someone, usually Dad (mom always says my name a few times before she starts talking), starts talking to me about something and I don’t realize they’re talking to me until they start asking me questions. Listen, if my book is open, you do not have my attention in any way shape or form and you’re going to have to say everything you just said all over again. Sometimes my mouth answers even though my brain is still very much immersed in whatever it is I’m reading. That’s the worst because whoever was talking to me thinks that I’m in agreement with them when in reality I have absolutely no idea that they were even talking, let alone what they said. I’ve gotten in trouble for not doing something “I said I would do” when they asked me while I was reading. Not bad trouble, just annoyed with me trouble. “I asked you to empty the dishwasher.” “When?” “Just a few minutes ago. You said you would.” “No, I didn’t.” “Yes, you did.” “I’ve been reading. I didn’t hear you ask me anything.” There face is usually something like >_< 

I really do love reading and when I am in a book, really in a book, and that movie is playing in my head it is hell trying to get my attention and keep it. Even if you pull me away, I’m usually slow to leave and quick to jump back. I recommend making sure that I have marked a place in my book and closed it and put it down before you try to engage in a conversation. Even then, there's really no guarantee that I’m going to “with you.” There’s a good chance I’m going to be, well, mentally in my book, wondering about what’s going to happen next. 

I love that feeling. That feeling of transportation to another world, that sense of virtual reality that comes with really getting in a story. More than anything I want to create that for others. Pull them and and take them on an adventure that doesn't let them go. That brings them back again, again to the heart of the characters and the world. If I could manage that, even if it’s just for a few people, I’d be overjoyed. That’s why I need to get back in my writing habit again. I can’t do that if I don’t practice. Some people have that talent naturally and I wish I had a little more of naturally but that doesn’t me I can’t learn. I can learn. I just have to work. I have to work hard. I have a lot to do to get ready for a lot of things, I just have be to brave and determined. I just have to not give up.

This will do for today I think, but I need to be back tomorrow. And the next day. 

float_on_alright: claudia wide eyed (claudia the eyes)
I’ve gotten like nothing done today. Literally nothing. Okay I read a book. I’m not sure that counts for anything. I mean, I love it. I love reading, the book was good. And as I mentioned, I’m totes in reading mode for the moment. I need to track my progress for my MAC goals before I forget. I’ve literally spent about 15 hours of the last 36 reading. We’re watching Monster Trucks tonight and waiting for the fireworks to start. I can’t tell if it's cloudy out there tonight of it that’s just the fog/condensation built up on the glass doors of the balcony. It looks pretty cloudy which may be why there were so many people putting off the fireworks last night. Like if they knew the weather wouldn’t be good for fireworks tonight, they just went ahead and did them yesterday? I guess we’ll see if they set anything off tonight since it’s almost dark. 

And the first sounds of fireworks hit the air. Guess that question is solved. I can’t seem them at the moment but I’m not sure I’ll be able to from the condo. It might be that I’d have to go downstairs on the beach to see them. I do like fireworks. Though I understand why people are nervous of them and why they trigger people with PTSD. 

Monster Trucks is a cute movie, in case you were wondering. I’m gonna see if I can see some fireworks. Happy Fireworks Day for my US folks. 

float_on_alright: I keep hitting the escape button but I'm still here (escape button still here)
Ugh, I don’t know if it’s because the only time I’ve had to myself is when I’ve been asleep in the mornings and my folks are out the door or if it’s because I just needed a break after the sprint I had on Friday, but either way it’s damned annoying. Of course the other part of the trouble is that I’m also currently in one of my “reading phases” I finished the second half a book, read another entire book, and then started another. When I’m in a reading mood it’s tricky for me to leave it for anything else.

The beach is amazing, of course, even if it’s packed full. Fourth of July and most of North and South Carolina are around here somewhere. 

And now I can’t even stay up and write like I want because I would be keeping someone else awake if I’m anywhere but the bathroom. And I did consider sitting on the toilet (with the lid closed) to type for a little while but unfortunately the seat caves in if you sit on it and keeps popping in weird ways because the plastic isn’t sturdy and I’m a big girl so I’m afraid I’m going to break it. *Heaves a Sigh*. I could go downstairs, maybe, but I don’t want to be down there with no bra. Oh well, maybe tomorrow. Guess I'll maybe go listen to an audiobook for a bit. 
float_on_alright: clint is a carnie and a thief and would fit in with wallstreet (clint is a carnie and a thief and would)
So here I am writing to you from Myrtle Beach. The waves look pretty fierce today and it’s overcast but I’m loving the sounds of the waves against the shore and kids playing down below. It’s so nice just to be here and since no one else is here just yet, it’s also quiet. I really should’ve used more of my time for writing but I used it for reading instead. Sometimes a girl just needs a fix I guess… if that girl is me and her drug of choice is reading. I love writing, I love working on stories, sometimes I even love editing, but I am honest-to-God addicted to reading. No way could I ever give it up. Physical books, ebooks, audiobooks, comic books, fanfiction, articles, backs of cereal boxes… That reminds me, I was supposed to be keeping tracking of the pages I’ve read outside of just my books this year. I did a good job for maybe a month or two but now I’ve totally slacked off. I guess I could start back up now, but I’m not sure I will. I have so many other things going on right now that I just don’t think there’s one more thing I can put on my list. 

I have about a month before I have to go back to work, assuming I don’t get hired sooner by another company. I know that’s actually a good chunk of time. I know that. And I’ll certainly be glad to make the money I make when I’m working as opposed to being on unemployment, it’s just that I’m lazy and I like being off and sleeping in and staying up late and I’d love to do that forever. I also need to make more time for writing than I have been. It’s weird I know I want to write and then I sit down to write and I put it off to do something else. I think writing itself scares me sometimes even though I totally love it. I guess because I care so much. Because even when you’re not talking about yourself there’s still so much of yourself in writing that it feels like people don’t like you if they don’t like what you’ve written. Criticism, for all it’s about your story, ends up feeling like it’s about you. 

I read the Four Agreements earlier this year and my favorite was “don’t take anything personally.” It’s never about you. It’s always about the other person and how they perceive the world and themselves. What I’ve read about Buddhism has something similar about how those things that you find frustrating or annoying in others is really because you’re seeing something of yourself in that person - something that you don’t like about yourself. And I think, for the most part, that’s really true too. 

Here’s the thing though, it’s a hard balance to walk because just because the critic isn’t personal that doesn’t mean the critic isn’t wrong. You have to find a way to sort through criticism for the helpful advice without letting the suggestions for improvement - or the praise for that matter - get to you too much. Praise can be just as difficult as criticism to overcome. Sometimes because it makes you believe you don’t need the criticism but I think sometimes it’s because you’re trying too hard to replicate what went right in the good parts to let yourself write the crap you sometimes need to write to get to the good stuff. The more crap you write the more gold you’ll find. Which makes sense. I always thought the more you wrote the better you got at it, which in some sense is true but I think also it’s just about statistics. The more cards you have in your hands, the more likely it is that you’ll be able to put a good hand together. Poker may have limits on how many cards you can hold in your hands and how many times you can draw and put back, but writing doesn’t. The only limits writing has are the ones you put on it. And by “you” in all this, I do mean me. Obviously. 

I’d like to get some more written on my hopefully one day novel. I’d written a version of what may be chapter five but after re-reading it, I’ve found I don’t like it. Well, not so much “don’t like it” as it isn’t quite working. There are pieces of it that do but on a whole there needs to be more action and less  contemplation. I think the wrong character is being introduced too or rather the wrong conversation is happening. I’m not entirely sure how I know that or why I feel that way, but I’m deciding to trust my instincts on it and rewrite it. I’ve already written a little bit of it and I like the re-written part better so far. Granted, we’re talking about 100 words of the second draft as compared to the 1200 word first draft but still. It’s working better. 

I’m also working on the second draft of my Magical Girls story. I need a better title and to fix up the grammar. I can’t use “Grammarly” on my iPad which makes me wish I’d carted my laptop down here a little bit but I think there’s an public access computer in this hotel somewhere that I can probably use in the next couple of days so that I can get it fixed up and posted to the Lit Mag Love group. I think I really only absolutely have to have the first page ready. I have no idea if I’ll make all the work in time but I am going to try. 

I’m thankful for the time we spent hanging out and watching Killjoys while we were in Raleigh because it allowed me the time I needed to my job applications for my unemployment status for the week. Having those done is such a weight off my shoulders. Especially for yesterday when I was making lunch with my dad and then driving to the beach. It’s about a 3 hour trip which isn’t much at all but with getting out of the hotel, getting to hug everyone one more time at the mall, then driving over to where dad was working so we could get food and then head over to his hotel, then make some lunch and spend some time with him, AND then drive three hours only to have to drag in two weeks worth of luggage plus a couple of things my dad gave me to bring here for him, I didn't get settled in the condo until around 8:30 or 9 and I still needed to have dinner and I wanted to write so having to think about whether or not to do job applications would’ve been a nightmare. 

I’ve had soda today instead of Mio energy and the sugar has me jittery. I don’t often have a lot of soda anymore and I think that Code Red Mountain Dew has a special mixture of sugar and caffeine that creates a special brand of hyper. It doesn't help that I haven’t had real food yet either. So far today I’ve had a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Meaning in order to chill out I’m probably going to have to go for a run or something. It’s starting to look like it might storm soon outside. I suppose I could’ve gone swimming earlier but I wanted to write and I wanted to stay in this nice, quiet condo for as long as it would be nice and quiet. I really needed a bit of quiet and time to myself. I know that mom and dad - though traveling separately and coming from different places will be here soon. 

Speaking of, I’ll probably have to help them bring in their luggage etcetera so I’d better go put on some shorts and a t-shirt instead of this sleep shirt and my yoga pants. I don’t want to get crud on my sleep pants after all and it looks like the rain might start soon. 

float_on_alright: kate bishop with her head on a desk in exasperation (asdf)
 

I wrote a bit earlier in the day about having a to do list. I went ahead and posted it because I got distracted in the middle of it and now so much time has passed that I’m in a different state of mind than I was when I started it. I guess I want to start fresh now.

 

The anxiety has been kind of rough the last 24 hours or so which sucks. I’ve just had some chamomile tea and that seems to have helped some. I think part of it was how little I slept on Thursday night… or rather Friday morning. I only only got a few hours.

 

One of the big things right now is this damned Lit Mag Love course. Every time I think about it, I just get all out of sorts. I need to have everything in the four modules done by July 10th and I’m already like four weeks into the class and I haven’t even finished module 2 yet. I’m stuck on this posting the first page of a story that will be a submission story. I just feel like nothing I’ve written is going to qualify for this thing and I keep getting blocked when I try to write something new for it. And when I do write it’s for a book that I am actually liking a lot that I’ve been posting my chapters to on my other workshop course. Which means I’ve spent 0 time working on short stories at the moment when I really need to.

 

I think I may start working on my Mrs. Claus story for the Lit Mag Love thing. I just need to get enough reworked that I can submit the first page. That doesn’t sound like a lot but it feels like a major thing. It feels like this two ton cement block sitting on my sternum is what is feels like.

 

And it sucks. It just really, really sucks. I hate this. I hate this so much. I have feeling this way. I’ve been trying to sit with it and recognize what’s going on in my head and soothe myself and tell myself it’s all going to be okay and I just need to work on it. It helps a little I guess. Granted, maybe if I’d actually start working on the project like I’ve been telling myself, I might get over all this completely.

 

I also need to remind myself that a lot of times when I’ve been dealing with these different things, I’ve felt worse before I’ve felt better, that sometimes when you start digging into your mental wellbeing and what’s fucking with it, it sucks and then it gets better if you keep at it. I just need to keep at it.

 

I wanted to do “extra” writing today to get closer to my writing goal for the month but I may just do the “minimum.” I haven’t gotten to watch last night’s Wynonna Earp episode so it would be nice to get the writing done and then lay in bed and watch Wynonna and then go to sleep. I won’t be setting an alarm for the morning that’s for sure. I think I need to sleep a little longer with no alarm than I have been the last few days.

 

I had wanted to talk more about how fun last night was, because it really was but the only other thing I feel like talking about right now is how thankful I am that I’m not feeling depressed. The anxiety sucks, it really, really does but it’s not depression. Anxiety is a bitch but depression is lethal. So if I was going to have to battle either of them, I’m glad it’s anxiety. I can battle this. I can deal with this. Even if it means I need to use the medicine again - battles take weaponry. I’d like this to be a fistfight, but if my opponent has a sword, I’d better have one too.


float_on_alright: smiling (smiling)
I saw my therapist today and talked with her about the bouts of anxiety I’ve had and it was wonderful to talk to her about them. I’ve been telling my mom that I think they’re a good sign, that they mean that I’m working on the right things things - things that matter. She agreed with me. We talked about how anxiety is a normal human emotion and that most of the time it’s not a terrible thing. The problem comes when you spiral into lies your brain makes up and can’t get out of. She had some suggestions for how to deal with them when they happen and it wasn’t about medication for which I was thankful honestly. 

I’ve been watching Pretty Little Liars and I’m pretty sure I’m about to waste my summer binge-ing this show. There are 159 episodes as of a couple of days ago. Granted, six months ago I could've watched the seven seasons on Netflix in two weeks so I figure I’m probably improving life choices wise right? I mean I think I watched 24 hours of Dexter in less than a weekend. 

I did try to read the books, but I couldn’t make it through enough of them to have the plot of the show ruined though I can tell they made some changes. It’s such a drama show, so ridiculously over the top but it’s just the right kind of drama I guess to keep me watching. 

I’m going out with my friend Emily tomorrow to Caitlin’s show and we’re gonna get “pan-Asian food” beforehand and have a few drinks. We’re also supposed to “walk together” again tomorrow morning around 10 am so I’ll have to get up a little earlier than the last few days. I'm thinking I may take a nap afterwards because it is already well after midnight and I have more writing I should really do. 

I may just go to bed after this because I did do my “feedback” workshop homework tonight and that takes a bit of work. I really do try to give helpful feedback that people can actually use which is not a quick thing to do. It takes some pretty careful reading, often a couple of times, and some thought. I kind of like doing it, especially when a story has good bones but has room to grow and flourish. That's the best because you really feel like you’re putting energy into something that’s worth it. The workshop has a lot of good writers. There are quite a few stories that really captured me I’ve found so far. Of course, I’ve also found some stories that I struggled to get through. I know I mentioned it once before, but there was one story that was just totally incomprehensible. There was another that was just sort of “and then and then and then” but I have to say the second draft they posted was significantly better than the first so they obviously did real work and took into account the feedback they were given. 

The contest had a word count limit of 1000 words so I was proud of myself for staying right around 900. I’d really like to try my hand at some flash fiction - some 300 - 500 word stories that actually have some punch to them rather than just a sense of fun. I’ll just have to practice! I probably won’t get a whole lot done tomorrow what with needing to shower and get ready and go out in the evening. We’re meeting up around 5:30 so that means I’ll have to leave here by 4:30 at the latest and the show is set to run from 8pm to 11pm which means I won’t get home until midnight. That means I need a shower and probably a nap before I go out since I won’t get home until midnight - maybe later depending on how long we mingle afterwards. It’ll be fun though. I don’t at all regret deciding to go. 

Okay, I’m a little sad I’m going to miss watching Wynonna Earp live. I’ll admit that. But, if I’m still awake, maybe I can watch the re-air at 1am. And I can definitely sleep all day Saturday if I want. 

I need to try to remember to post the next chapter for the workshop before I go out to dinner tomorrow though because that’s not something I’ll be awake enough to do when I get back. 

Man, I know I said something similar yesterday, but time is SO FREAKING WEIRD. I honestly feel like I’ve been on vacation for a few months, not a few days. It doesn’t feel like I was at work last Friday. It’s surreal to even think. Anyway, I’d better either do some work on my stories or head to bed. 



Rambling

Jun. 22nd, 2017 01:24 am
float_on_alright: lucificer says this is boring and pointless (lucificer says this is boring and pointl)
 

I’ve done a little writing today and managed to do two job applications. I also took a walk this morning “with” my friend Emily (we talked on the phone while we walked around our perspective neighborhoods) which was really fun actually. At work we often take walks in the morning on our break. She and I spend a good bit more time at work being sociable than we should be maybe. But seriously, not seeing each other for more than a couple of days at a time is sort of weird. I mean I know I worked last summer and she didn’t but that seems like … well several years ago if I’m honest. Last summer seems as far away from me as working for iTunes four years ago. Isn’t it strange the way time passes? I can’t believe how quickly this past year went by for the most part. I felt like I blinked and it was gone and at the same time, the last few months feel like they were years ago. Maybe it’s something about having this summer off that makes everything else feel so strange. Being off right now, it almost feels like this was always my life and I just had a weird dream about working the last year.

 

Time is so strange. The last few days have gone by quickly too but in a different way, I think. I thought I might try to make a schedule for myself, but I tend to not follow schedules even when I’m the one that makes them so I don’t figure I’ll bother, at least not at the moment. So far I’ve done a good job at staying productive - even if I’m behind on some of my homework. I did make it to the “office hour” today too which made me happy. They’re having an extra one this week on Friday but in the evening so I don’t think I’ll be able to attend that one. If they still have the one Saturday morning, I might make it up in time for that. Emily and I are going to a performance by one of our other co-workers choir group on Friday evening and then of course there’s Wynonna Earp and any squee-ing that might involve. Last Friday I was so exhausted I barely made it through the episode before I was unconscious.

 

Speaking of Fridays, I think Killjoys is back next week which is lovely. I sure do enjoy Killjoys too. And what a lineup! I think Dutch would love Wynonna.

 

I digress. Not that this really had a point except for that I think I find it a little easier to write my fiction after I’ve rambled for a bit about my real life.

 

I’ve got another busy day lined up tomorrow and hopefully that means I’ll be working on my assignments. Wish me luck y’all.


float_on_alright: apologize in advance as I slowly go nuts (apologize in advance as I slowly go nuts)
Okay maybe not the best medicine if you're a diabetic or you have cancer or something similarly dependent on actual medicine, but really, writing is incredibly therapeutic - at least for me. I always feel better after I do it, especially when it comes to journal/free write type stuff. 
 
I think that's a major point behind "The Artist's Way" of which I have read about 20 pages, but I will read one day! I will! 
 
Ugh, at least once a day, every day, I think about how there are going to be so many books I still want to read when I die. 
 
Okay I’m not that morbid about it. It’s more like “I am never going to be able to read all the books I want to read! Wahhhhh!” like a small child who can’t have ice cream or a grown man whose sports team has lost a championship game. But the struggle is real. 
 
But I digress. 
 
I’m pleased to say that whining and bitching in writing as I did earlier today was very helpful. I have now applied for two jobs and written about 700 words towards a story I’m writing. Which means I have the next thing to post in my workshop AND the start of something for the next week as well as some notes about how I see the book going over all. I discovered a new character (who I think will be sneaky and evil!) and have a flushed out a few ideas. It was fun. 
 
Tomorrow I will hopefully get some feedback responses done for the workshop people and do some diving into my Mrs. Claus story. I know it got rejected by the anthology I wrote it for, but I think if I do a good job on revamping it that I’ll be able to find a place for it eventually. Christmas comes every year and since Hallmark is doing their Christmas in July stuff, it almost sort of comes twice a year so that’s got to do good things for my chances. 
 
There is also the “office hour” (it’s a half an hour) for the Lit Mag Love course in the afternoon and hopefully I’ll remember to go to the video for the “mini writer’s retreat” in the evening. I still need to apply for two more jobs this week as well, but I do have another four days to do that so I’m not too stressed about that. Yay productivity! 
 
float_on_alright: yoda says write! (write you must to finish your fic)
 

I wrote another bit of what I hope will be a book eventually today and it came so smoothly and easily. I only wrote about 500 words but I did it in less than 20 minutes so I was really pleased with that. I think I’ll be able to add more tomorrow.

 

It feels good to be writing again though I feel like I’m nearly constantly at the edge of a panic attack these days. Just living with the tightness in my chest that’s hard to breathe around. I’m not living with it constantly but I feel like it does happen every morning on my way to work. There’s this one stop light I come to when I get off the highway and I’m close to work and it’s like the point I wake up on my way to work because I’m basically just driving on autopilot and half a brain cell up to that point. I feel like that’s the point I see the signs of a panic attack. I take deep breaths and just try to recognize that I’m not dying without “fighting” it. A few minutes later I’ll be busy doing the math to figure out if I’ve made it “on time” since you have a small window to still be “on time” if you clock in (for example, 8:05 is 8am by the time/payclock) and my car clock is six minutes fast. Once I get to the “am I late, late or technically on time, late?” stage, I’m usually not feeling too bad.

 

Well, I’m a little behind on my writing goal for the month (goal of 30,000). I should be at 13,000 but I’m only at a little over 11,000 but that’s okay. I needed the break I gave myself. I’m addicted to reading right now which, look I know that I’m always a reader but I go through periods of intense reading and I’m in one of those places right now. In the last week I’ve read or listened to over 1200 pages. And that’s just counting the books and comics I’ve finished - not anything I’m part way through, fanfiction or short stories, or reading to edit.

 

I think it might be the time of year. I mean my schools are shutting down, it’s summer, and I was conditioned in school and in my current job that summer meant reading. This might be a pavlov's bell thing. Or it could just be my own natural reading rhythm which brings these kinds of things up every 3 - 6 months.

 

I’m not sure.

 

Anyway, my POINT is that... Nope, no idea what my point is. Possibly that I’m well ahead on my reading goal for the month and my editing goal for the month so I just need to buckle down and get to work on my writing and such. I’m scared of re-working my Mrs. Clause story but I’m also determined to do it.

 

But no more of that today. It’s my bedtime.

 

Peace.

 


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float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)
Kate

September 2017

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