float_on_alright | Entries tagged with whining etc.

Brain dump time. I’m feeling stuck on a school assignment. Actually, I don’t know if stuck is the right word, exactly, maybe overwhelmed. There’s so much to choose from and I’m just feeling like everything is too much and I read things but I don’t process things. I was doing okay. I did manage to finish a short essay last night that’s due on Friday so I’m glad about that. Not that I’ll be posting it just yet. I probably need to make a few more edits. I say that, but really it’s just the fearful procrastinator in me who wants everything to be beyond reproach or not done at all because then I won’t be “rejected.” If you don’t try, your grade isn’t a reflection of your efforts, which is an absolutely lousy way to live. I don’t want to keep living that way. I’m always afraid that people will laugh at me and reject me. I love people who say “other people’s opinions don’t matter!” I’m not saying they’re wrong, I’m just saying that my brain and feelings absolutely care about what other people think, and when they reject me the pain is unbearable. I don’t know how to tell you that I can’t stop that reaction, that no amount of prep work or platitudes makes that pain any less. I don’t think people who don’t have Rejection Sensitivity get it. I really don’t think they understand at all. I wish I didn’t feel this way. It’s an awful, awful feeling to have. Any little bit of criticism or perceived rejection is devastating and debilitating. Okay, maybe not “any,” but it definitely doesn’t take much to send me into a spiral of self-hatred and grief all because someone else said they didn’t like something I made or said or did. Logically I know I can’t make everyone like me. Logically I know that I shouldn’t even care if someone people don’t like me. Not to mention that if someone doesn’t like something I did, that doesn’t mean that they don’t like me personally. Lots of time it’s not personal, or at least it isn’t personal to them. It always feels personal to me.

Okay, probably more later, but time has run out for this.

Current Mood: stressed

I want to write, though I'm not sure what I want to write. I've noticed I feel better when I'm writing. I haven't tried to write any original fiction lately, but I haven't been interested in it anyway. I haven't been interested in reading recently, which is sad for me because it is typically one of my great loves. I haven't read a book in over a month, actually, which is incredibly rare for me. I haven't even been rereading anything or listening to any books in the car when I'm driving. I do read for school, of course, but those are articles mostly and some textbooks. It's not the same thing as a novel, and it's definitely not for fun. Reading the textbook is not relaxing, I can tell you that for sure. Some of the articles are pretty rough too. The reading is interesting, that's for sure. It's hard to be motivated to do anything right now, school-wise. I can't count how many times I've gone to work on a project or assignment when suddenly my brain shuts down and acts like it's never heard of such a thing as writing a paper or making a PowerPoint or Google Slide presentation. It's frustrating. I also feel like I'm the kind of person who has to be under the gun to get anything done, and the adrenaline is the only thing getting me through my big projects. At the same time, I'm so tired from work and the pandemic and the general exhaustion of attempting to have some sort of semblance of mental and emotional wellbeing that I feel like my well of adrenaline is dried up. It's hard to get the fear of consequences going to produce adrenaline when my body is constantly on edge just from being alive. I don't know how to work around this. I have so many things due in the next week and a half, and every time I think about them, my brain sort of shuts down--just turns into TV static. I need to get in contact with the Student with Disabilities campus people. The sooner I do that, the better, but of course, that feels like another overwhelming thing that I don't understand how to do. I know it starts with a simple phone call to their department, but it seems like they're going to want paperwork and validation from my doctors, and that sounds so ridiculously hard and exhausting even though I have no idea if that is or isn't true. I don't know. I want to do well, but I don't wanna do anything either. It's a bit of a conundrum. Ugh. I hate feeling like this.

I was doing really well writing little stories for like a week, and then suddenly, I got stuck again. There was a story that I posted that I nearly immediately deleted from AO3 because even after working on and reworking on it and editing and posting it, it felt like it came out wrong and that I didn’t do the characters right. I’ve been stuck and unable to write anything since I deleted it. I’ve been debating what to do because I think I need to deal with that story to move past the block I have going on, and I really want to move past that block! Of course, the other side of the problem is that I should be working on my homework that’s due soon more so than I need to be working on fanfiction. I’m tempted not to do a discussion post this week. I need to do a total of six for the semester, so I don’t have to do one every week, but I know that the harder assignments are coming and the workload is only going to get more intense as the semester goes by. The last thing I need to do is leave a ton of the discussion posts for when I have a bunch of big projects due all at once and three exams to take (if I live through November, it will be a miracle).

I know that I have to stay on top of all of my work if I’m going to survive this semester. Every time I have a project due in my Research Methods class, I have a test due on the same day. The same day! What kind of fucked up bullshit is that? Honestly, I know I’m in grad school, but it is really necessary to have each major grade point due at the same time as another major grade point in the same damn class? I would understand if this issue was connected to having classes that ended up having significant projects due at the same time. I'd be frustrated, but at least that would make sense. Granted trying to separate the due dates of those tests and projects would only leave me mining into the major due dates for the other class so I suppose it's a lose-lose either way. Just giant amounts of homework and stress coming right up.

I'll have to take time off of work. I really don't want to use my vacation time because I want to save my vacation time for fun stuff and taking breaks. My boss totally supports me taking mental health days, which is the most amazing thing ever even though it should be the standard. The only problem with taking sick time is that if you go long enough in a row without taking sick leave they give you more vacation time. I have like a month left of not taking time off before I get the next bonus vacation time so I would really like to avoid using sick time before then.

I really wanted to participate in the Ship - week for Hellstar too but hat ends tomorrow and my priority really needs to be on schoolwork tomorrow and the day after and the answer is probably to get through the next four days of work and school before trying to get passed the enter's block for my hobby writing. But we'll see what I end up actually doing.

Current Mood: annoyed

I have had the last two days off and I’ve barely written anything at all. Part of what I did write was an update for my goals for last week. It’s just sad. I know I’ve been watching too many Christmas movies. That’s okay. Well, I’m not sure it is okay, but it also is what it is.

My sister’s birthday is tomorrow which is exciting. It’s her thirtieth birthday which is wild. I’m about to turn thirty-three which is even wilder. I keep thinking about how, when I was maybe eleven or so, I didn’t think I’d ever be older than Cher in Clueless. That girl turns sixteen--SIXTEEN--in the movie which means she spends half of it as a fifteen-year-old. Here I am more than twice that.

I don’t feel old. Most of the time I feel pretty immature. I’m not sure I feel young, but I definitely don’t feel old either. It’s weird to feel so in between everything. I joke that I’ll be old when I’m 108 or dead, whichever comes second, but it’s also not a joke. I’m not sure that I’ll ever feel like an adult. I wonder sometimes if other people do feel like adults.

It seems like a weird thing to worry about, but sometimes I do worry--in a weird detached sort of way--about what I’ll do when I do get OLD old. Not like sixty-five old, or even seventy old, but like eighty-five old. Assuming I get there. With advancements in medicine and technology and the things we learn at an alarming pace, I suppose it’s possible that what’s eighty-five old right now will be more like one hundred and five old in a few decades. And no life is guaranteed. Accidents happen. But because I know that I don’t want kids and I’m so full of doubt that I’ll find a life partner (I would have to put in the work to meet someone, and I definitely haven’t done that and don’t have any plans to start looking any time soon), I have to wonder if I’ll have people to take care of me and help me in my dotage. I have incredible, wonderful friends, but they’re my age. Some are younger, but the vast majority are at least a couple of years older, so it’s not like they’re going to be much better off than I am. And so few of my people are in relationships, let alone have (or plan to have) children that it’s unlikely there will be an army of the next generation to take care of us future old folks.

Most of the time I put that worry off for later. It’s not like it’s something I can do anything about right now, and there’s no way for me to really know what life is going to bring or how long I’m going to live. Shit, I hope that I continue to want to live. When you have depression, the feeling that you desire to live is not something you can take for granted. At least, I can’t take that feeling for granted.

I think I’ve spent more of my days hoping that I just wouldn’t wake up the next day than days when I’ve wanted to live.

Not that I’m feeling that way right now. I feel mostly pretty good right now--happy even. I’m a little nervous about starting grad school come January. And there are always things at work that leave me feeling anxious. But overall, I feel really good.

It’s just that I don’t trust this “feeling good” feeling to last forever. Medicine is a miracle. Anti-depressants are literally God sends, but depression is a chronic, lifetime illness that cannot and should not be taken lightly.

Still, neither of those things are problems right now so I suppose that I should just leave those things well enough alone.

At the moment, I’m a little concerned about my foot. I’m trying to be patient while also being sure to do what I need to do to help my ankle and foot heal, but I’m worried that something may not be right. I know that the x-rays haven’t shown anything and physical examinations (pushing, moving, testing by doctors) haven’t turned up anything wrong, but it does not feel right. It’s been more than two months and it still hurts every time I step or put pressure on my foot in any kind of way. It doesn’t feel stronger, it doesn’t feel more stable, it doesn’t feel like it’s getting better anymore. And for the life of me, I just can’t understand why not.

The specialist made me feel like by the new year, I’d be pretty much back to normal. Or at the very least, mostly out of the brace. He didn’t think I needed to come back to see him for another appointment. But it’s been three weeks since then, almost four, and I don’t feel like I’m any better today than I was when I walked out of his office that last time. It’s infuriating! And I don’t know what to do. I guess for now I have to just keep going--using the brace and the boot to help me and doing my best to take care of things in the meantime. I have a physical on January 8th, so if I still don’t feel better by that point, I guess I can ask that doctor about it too.

I know I probably sound like a wimp or a hypochondriac and, hey, maybe I am. But I’ve always had a pretty high tolerance for (physical) pain. This is not “just me” saying that I have a high tolerance for pain. I have a foot tattoo and I didn’t cry. I had a massage therapist who said what I found to feel good pressure wise was painful for other people. I won’t go into my experiences with BDSM, but we’ll just say that there is further proof I do not have a low pain tolerance there too.

And I really don’t think I’m a hypochondriac. I have a history of putting of checking on things because I’m convinced they’ll turn out to be nothing and it won’t have been worth the time and money to go to the doctor to check on it. I told myself I would be better about that since the incident with pancreatitis and getting hospitalized. It’s been almost three years since that happened, and I never want to be in that situation again if I can help it. I really am working to do better at that.

All that to say, I really do think something still isn’t right with my foot, and I think it’s something more than, “needs more time to heal.”

I guess we’ll see.

I really need to work on my story writing. I hope I can throw something together (and edit and post it) before 11:59 on December 31st.

Current Mood: irritated

I’m so stressed. I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to juggle all the things I’m supposed to juggle over the next two weeks, and I just do not know how it’s all going to work. I know I’ll figure it out. It’ll come together. I probably need to organize in my mind what has to be done and by when. Although I don’t know that listing it won’t make me feel worse. I meant to work on all this in my planner today, but I literally didn’t have time to do it at work today. It was a hella frustrating, stressful, mess of a day.

So since I can feel the stress cramping my shoulders into my earlobes, I'm going to try to do some of the work outside of work. I hate doing that, I really do because I’m paid hourly (not salary), and I don’t believe in dedicating outside of work time to work projects.

However, I have a shit ton to get done and I don’t think it’s physically possible for me to get it all done in the “off hours” especially if the coming days are anything like today where customers and random “work” stuff meant that I lost almost two hours of time that I had planned to be for planning and project work. Even with that going on, I’d probably still push for the “no work outside of work policy” if it weren’t for the fact that I have wasted a bit of time at work on Pokemon Go. If a raid or something pops up, I have dropped what I’m working on to join the raid with friends. I figure if I can sacrafice some of my work time to play then I can sacrifice some of my “off/play hours” for work. It’s only fair.

I’m still hoping that the snow storm they’re saying might happen this weekend will hit tomorrow and the Reader Advisory and my outreach will all be canceled for the month and I can just go about doing the other things on my list instead.

Sigh.

Current Mood: exanimate

I didn’t write a damn thing yesterday. I thought about it a couple of times, even went to write a couple of times and still, nothing happened. I’m not too bad about it. I was exhausted after yesterday. I had three hours on the desk, a good chunk of time standing up for the staff in a meeting against a manager who likes to railroad other people and had an hour-long teen program. Then after work, I went to the Harry Potter Book Club that Hayley does. I love going, it’s loads of fun, but I was worn out before I got there. Then I played Pokemon Go for a bit. Arguably, if I hadn’t been playing that game I would’ve gotten home earlier, but I’m not sure I would’ve been any more of a mood to write. Especially because I was feeling overly tired and sensitive anyway. Last night was rough because I didn’t sleep properly. I wasn’t having nightmares, per se, rather I’d call them “stress dreams.” It’s the kind of dream where things feel like real life issues and they’re all piling on top of you. It’s so frustrating. I can never properly explain how they make feel or why they make me feel that way. Then I woke off and just felt wrong. Everything felt off. I went to pee and realized I’d started my period which actually explains a lot. I should’ve realized it was that time, but I’d totally forgotten I was due again. Ugh. It’s been rough today too. I almost cried on a number of occasions for no reason. The worst. I hate crying in general, but I hate it even worse when it's in front of other people and I find it infuriating with it's for a reason outside of the death of a loved one.

Part of me wants to take off work for a couple more weeks over my ankle and foot, but it’s not necessary, and I think what I really need to do is start working towards getting back to normal which means going back to work as much as possible. I’m going to go back to work this evening for a few hours. I’m sure it’ll be crazy as hell at work. I know I have about 70 emails to go through and I’m sure that will mean a lot of work. Not that having 70 emails is anywhere near what I would’ve had to deal with when I worked at Scholastic. I could have that many in a day.

I’ve been debating about my writing goal for this month a little bit since I’m home more of today than I would typically be. I’m thinking that with my foot being what it is and it being super tricky for me to do anything at the moment and super awkward, I’ve got a lot less time than I would normally have. Nearly half the month is gone already, and I’m almost 2,000 words behind on my goal of 600 words per day for the month. I guess it could be worse, but there were two days when I didn’t get any writing done at all. I was too tired after the day traveling home, and I might’ve gotten some writing done the night before I left England, but John’s hotel didn’t work out, so he ended up spending the night with us. With him around and sleeping with me (as in sleeping, not… you know… sleeping), there just wasn’t any time to write. I spent the morning at the doctor with my family, the midday I was talking to the airline about my foot issue, the afternoon I was attempting to organize and pack my stuff all while not being on my foot, then the evening was dinner and drinks with John and the family. There really wasn’t a lot of time for writing. I know I’m making excuses, but seriously, life kind of attacked me. A lot.

So since I know I’m already behind, I think what I may need to do is focus less on my word count and more on my story of the month. If I can concentrate on writing a story, then I’ll get some words in, and I will get to my goal of a story for the month. That is the more important goal. Still, to get my story done, I need to write. I feel like my stories are always better and flow from me easier when I’m writing regularly, which is the reason for the daily goals.

If I aim for 600 words every day for the rest of the month, that would leave me short for the month, but should also give me enough of a total word count not to kill myself for the next two months and keep me writing enough that I shouldn’t have an issue finishing my story. I kind of wish I’d only aimed for 500 words a day rather than 600, but it’s too late now.

I submitted my application for grad school earlier today, and now it’s a matter of waiting. I had aimed to have it sent before I left for England, but it’s done now with a couple of weeks to spare for the November 1st deadline. C took a lot more time helping me with my statement of purpose essay than I expected. I mean that in a good way. She dug in a lot further than I anticipated and I really appreciate the help, but that did mean it took us longer to finish the edits than I had initially planned. Still, I’m pretty proud of myself considering all the things I’ve accomplished.

Except for my folks staying overseas a couple more weeks and my work schedule being off for another week and a half, and well… my foot… things are--I was about to say things are going to go back to normal. But when I think about the changes I’m attempting to make to my life--things like applying for grad school and taking on more at work, I’m not sure “back to normal” is the right phrase. I’m thinking maybe the more apt description is something like creating the new normal for myself. I don’t know what that’s really going to look like yet, and I have to say I’m a little anxious about it. I have some projects that are feeling overwhelming and daunting at the moment. I’m scared, actually. Of a lot of the things coming up at work and I’m not sure which idea is scarier--getting rejected from grad school or getting accepted. I know I want to go to grad school. I know it. But I’m also terrified of it.

There’s a huge part of me that wants to bury my head in fictional worlds and just not come out until everything has passed. That’s part of my desire to call out of work sick for a few weeks too. In my head, I may not have to do the scary things if I don’t go to work. The thing is, there will always be scary things. Life wouldn’t be interesting or fulfilling without challenges, and I’ll be better as a person if I do face these things rather than running away from them. I know that. I have a reminder set on my phone now that I have to acknowledge every day that says, “everything is going to be okay” because everything is going to be okay so long as I keep showing up to my life. Nothing is ever perfect, but things are excellent. I’ve gotten to do and see incredible things, and life has plenty more of that to offer so long as I’m brave enough to keep going.

There was a time this summer when I was so stressed with trying to coordinate the trip to England and Ireland that I didn’t want to do it at all. I wanted to throw in the towel. I’m so glad I didn’t--even if not going to Ireland means I might not have injured myself.

I am frustrated about my foot though. It’s feeling much better, but it’s still aggravating and challenging to get around and makes everything take longer than it otherwise would. That's assuming I can do it at all without hurting myself. Right now, I can't get my suitcase out of the trunk of my car because it's heavy and I need both hands to do it. I'm getting to where I need the crutches less. I've been getting around with one rather than two today, and I've even been able to do some without one at all for short distances. I still don't feel confident enough to go out to my car with no crutches, pull my heavy ass suitcase out of the trunk, then drag it up the driveway and the small steps and into the house. I'm still crawling up and down the stairs, so it's certainly not going to make it up to the second floor. My room is a nightmare, and my bathroom is getting gross, but cleaning is way more than I feel I can do. I'm not able to take showers yet. I had a bath yesterday because I can't bathe in the boot and standing in the shower is going to be dangerous for a while. My book bag is still downstairs too.

I planned to clean all this mess up when I got home, but I guess that's just going to have to wait a while. Ugh. Foot, get better soon.

All right-y. I need to get ready for work, and since that takes three or four times as long at the moment as it usually does, I need to get started now.

Current Mood: aggravated

It’s 11pm and I really need to be in bed about now. I get to go in late tomorrow, but dad and I are going to try to go to the gym in the morning early beforehand. I may get to have a nap before I go to work and after the gym but there is really no telling for sure. I’m frustrated because I feel like it’s nearly impossible to keep up an good exercise routine and a writing schedule and get any sleep at all whatsoever.

My dad is snoring like he’s going to choke on his own throat right now and that’s not helping either, lol. He’s sleeping on the couch. I could leave and write somewhere else, but I feel like once I go upstairs, I’m going to pass out and I really, really have to write a little before I go up.

I tried to be productive today and I really wasn’t as productive as I wanted to be which is sort of frustrating. I need to make myself a work to do list. I have a task list with like reminders and such, but I still only get so far with that sometimes. I keep putting things off. Plus, it’s not a complete list of what I need to do.

I’m watching a bit of Grimm in the background, because I can’t really handle any episodes of anything new right at the moment and it was just the Christmas episode. I only mention that because I got really excited about the fact that I have an ornament that was used on the set as one of Monroe’s ornaments. Rebby got it for me via a friend of hers and it’s just SO COOL THAT I HAVE IT.

Moving on.

My dog, may have at any rate, taken my spiky ball foot roller ball thing. It’s a plastic ball with a lot of little spikes that I use to massage my arch to help prevent plantar fasciitis. I struggle a little with that in general, and with my job being partly on my feet, it’s important that after I exercise (or have an especially busy day of work) that I roll my foot over the ball. God knows if I’ll ever see it again. It’s possible that she just has it out in the yard and she’s dropped it back there and I’ll see it the next time I’m walking around picking up poop, but if she buried it or hid it under the porch there’s every likelihood that it’s just gone. And I did go for a jog today not realizing that I wouldn’t get a chance to use my normal ball tonight so I’m a little bit nervous about how my feet will be feeling tomorrow. I do have a brace and it works alright, but it’s not as good--at least I don’t think it’s been my experience that it works as well--as the spiky ball and I don’t know whether or not to go ahead and just order a new one.

I really need to complete a story for this month. I’m thinking that may be my goal for the weekend when I’m at the beach. I don’t usually take a computer with me, just my iPad, but I’m thinking I may make an exception this time so I can more easily to my work. I’m hoping that I’ll work on it doing the week too of course, but I am also hoping that being at the beach in the quiet without the family or the dog or my work, I’ll be able to really focus and get some stuff written and read for that matter… well after I like sleep for eighteen hours straight.

Ugh, and now I’m hungry again. I’ve been doing great with my exercise for the most part, but for the life of me I can’t seem to be full for more than five minutes. I’ve been trying to fill up on vegetables, protein, and stuff that has good fiber and still--STILL--I’m feeling constantly hungry. I’ve been drinking more water too, more than a hundred ounces a day. I just don’t know what else to do. I’m hoping that part of it is my period so that when it ends in a couple of days, my appetite will calm down a little. It’s one thing for it to be up a little bit from the exercise, which I kind of expect--again, a little bit--but another for me to just be constantly ravenous. Ah well, I think I’m going to eat a tablespoon of peanut butter and have a couple of sips of milk and hope that’ll be enough. I’ll drink some more water too, just in case.

Current Mood: frustrated

I did get my hair cut yesterday, and I'm enjoying it today. It feels very fluffy. The problems are going to be a) no ponytail possible, b) side swoop bangs that swoop directly over an eye which will eventually get on my nerves, and c) my mother will whine about it. Mom hasn't seen my hair yet, and I told her I was getting a trim and some layers put in. Technically, I only had a little bit taken off plus the layers and a little bit of swoop bangs, but it looks a lot shorter because with curls there is always shrinkage. The shorter your hair, the more the shrinkage, typically speaking. Which means right now my hair is above my shoulders.

My mom prefers, loudly and incessantly, my hair long. I get it. I really do. I love my hair. I have nice, for the most part, hair. I can straighten it if I wish and it'll stay that way for a while. It mostly curls nicely on its own. It doesn't require much work, just consistent, quality conditioning. And it is lovely long, I think anyway. But I get BORED. I can't help it. I have to change it up sometimes. I had it bobbed at an angle, and I enjoyed that, but I can't grow my hair out in that style. I just don't think it looks right to have the angled bob grown out much past your collarbone, at least not on me. So I had to have it evened out. The style and shape of my hair were also starting to look like that of an Egyptian sphinx which is none too flattering, honestly. That's why I needed the layers.

She'll see my hair tonight, and I'm honestly not looking forward to the whining and the ", but your hair is so pretty" and blah blah blah that I know I'm going to hear. I don't want it to look exactly the same all the time. And because of the nature of my laziness and the difficulty of any particular style or the time-consuming nature of straightening of my hair, the best way to switch things up is to let the shape and length of my hair change on occasion. I used to dye it, but she's really not any happier with that because "your hair is already so pretty why would you die it??" BECAUSE I GET BORED. BORED BORED BORED BORED BORED. Dear God just because she can get the same cut, style, and color over an over again for decades, doesn't mean the rest of us can.

I am actually really aggravated by this thing she has with my hair. I don't know why I think it's such a big deal. I guess I just get tired of hearing stuff like that all the time and at some point, I just can't take any more. She does this with a lot of stuff--lipstick, what time I leave for work, what I wear, just... lots of little annoying things. She means well. Her heart is in a good place. I tell myself over and over. So I can deal with a lot of it when it comes to her making sure that I use my windshield wipers when it's raining (yes, that's a real conversation we've had) or when I'm cutting things too close to an appointment or work on time. But her hate on my red lipsticks and my haircuts? I can't handle. I just can't. I'll scream. I swear, I'm going to scream when she starts in on my hair.

It's not like she's mean about it. She's not, she's just "mom guilt-y" about it, and it's infuriating. And I'm just so over all the little things. Don't watch Lucifer, gay people are from the devil, there is only so much I can take. And I don't know how much more that's going to be.

Maybe I'll get really lucky, and we'll have a snow day tomorrow. The schools have already decided they'll be closed, but the weather is calling for freezing rain and black ice and the buses are out there so early they really can't risk it.

Current Mood: cranky

All day today I thought it was Monday so apparently today is an extension of the confusion of the last few. That’s alright though. I’ve really enjoyed having the house to myself for a few days. Mom left on Friday to join dad at the beach. Her plan was to come home today or tomorrow and while I’m thankful that she didn’t come home today, I do wish she was going to be gone for a couple more. I really do need to work on getting my own place. The thing is, I’d really like to be able to buy my own place, and I think I’d really need a roommate to afford that and I don’t have anyone that would really work with right now. *Sigh* The one person I thought it might work with in a few months is really sweet but also exhausting.

Most people are exhausting to me, but some more so than others. She’s really sweet and we have fun together when we’ve done stuff, but I often end up feeling like she’s sucked energy out of me by the end of the conversation. She’s dumped a lot of her issues on me and we’ve barely talked about anything except the issues in her life in weeks. I don’t mind being a touchstone for people if I feel like they’re being a touchstone for me too AND we have time talking about other stuff AND they make me laugh on a regular basis (even if they’re whining about something so long as it’s in a funny way). Otherwise, I just walk away from interactions feeling kind of emotionally used. I don’t know how to talk to her about that either and the whole thing has left me feeling frustrated and uncomfortable.

Anyway, I have a better idea of where I want my short story about Darcy and Natasha to go. You’d think as a long and hard as I’ve been working on this thing that it would be like some twenty thousand word story but it’s only like 1,200 words. I think maybe the first part that I’ve written, a lot of which I like, may need to be tossed. I might need to really start with the second part of the story which is probably only 300 words, but as much as I’ve read about writing, the first things you write are often just warm ups that need to be tossed. I’ll keep them of course. And the parts I like I may be able to work in later or differently. Or maybe use in a different story all together. It’s hard to cut like that though, especially after you’ve been working on them for so long.

I got my hair trimmed and cut today and I wasn’t going to wash it since he washed it, but he put this stuff on it and I like it and I like the way it makes my hair look, but unfortunately the smell is a little strong for me and my hair feels kind of sticky. I wouldn’t mind the “sticky” quality for a couple of days but the smell is just too much. I also feel like my scalp is itchier with it on there. I’m not sure if that’s from whatever scent is aggravating it or it’s my imagination or if the sticky quality is causing issues with my skin, but I have to get it out. Which means a shower. That’s probably a good thing though, because bits of hair usually end up in my clothes and on my body making the rest of me itchy for a while after I get my hair cut. I get to go in late tomorrow at least.

I’m gonna go see if I can get some of the gunk out of my hair.

Current Mood: guilty

I’m hungry but I don’t want to cook. I have a headache but I don’t want to take more medicine. I'm tired but I don't want to sleep.

Current Mood: grumpy

I’m watching one of the Hallmark Christmas Movies. Yes, I hear you, Christmas was over a week ago. We’re past New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. But I enjoy these dumb movies and I’m going to go on enjoying these movies for as long as I damn well please thank you very much.

I’m annoyed because my throat is a little sore and my ear is really sore and kind of full feeling which makes me think I may have an ear infection which is worrisome. I do not have the time or energy for that right now. Okay… the real problem is that I don’t want to go to the doctor’s office and I sure as shit don’t want to spend money on the visit or the prescription--assuming there is one and I haven’t gone to the doctor for nothing at all which is honestly a possibility.

I need to do my topic for today and then head to bed. I stayed up way too late last night and I’m on my way to being up too late again tonight.

Current Mood: annoyed

I have a cold and I am whiny so I and sleepy and going to bed.

Current Mood: sick

My dad asked me how today was and I told him it was long and mostly emails. I told him how happy I was to see Emily.

“So,” he asks, “was it good to be back?”

“No.”

He laughed, but only because of my deadpan delivery and the fact that I think he expected me to say "yes" or "in some ways" or something similar as something like that is pretty likely to be my response.

I’d hoped once I got there, once I got back into to it that I’d feel less resistance to the job, that I’d feel more interested in doing the work, but if anything the opposite was true. Next week will be the SKO and we’ll learn about the new things and get to see the new books and we’ll party and get to have an author visit with Gordon Korman so maybe that will help. I guess we’ll see.

Current Mood: cranky

So to qualify for unemployment I have to apply for jobs and I just so don’t want to. I’ve been working pretty hard with all my stories and online classes and errands. I slept pretty late today. I suspect I was a little worn out. I’m not particularly a morning person and I’ve been up late and up at an almost reasonable hour the last few days. I’ve been awake by 9:30 - 10am which I know is not “early” but it can be for me. I usually need a 10 - 12 hour night every now and then and last night seems to have been the night. I’m still sleepy today. It might be the rain too. Rain often makes me kind of sleepy.

I’ve been terribly unmotivated today. I’m sleepy and lazy and just terribly uninterested in getting anything done. Don’t feel like writing, don’t feel like applying for jobs. I just want to read books and rewatch the new episodes of Wynonna Earp.

I did two hours at the library today because I had a lot going on this weekend with Father’s Day but since I’m off from work, I might as well make it up. I’ll be able to do next Sunday too but the week after I probably won't be able to do it. And there’s another weekend or two that I’ll have things going on or will be visiting friends out of town. Plus, that’s two hours I can listen to books and ignore people for the most part which was great.

I need to write too. I need to finish this next chapter in my story and figure out where I’m going with the whole thing. I also need to work on my Mrs. Claus story since that’s the only thing I could even begin to use as my story for my Lit Mag Love course.

Further, I need to provide feedback for my fellow workshop people. *Sigh* I feel like I’ve bitten off far more than I can chew and I just realized I missed a live video I wanted to watch. Argh, I hope it stays up long enough for me to get to view it.

I feel like sometimes what you really need is a break. Sometimes you make yourself believe you need a break because you want to procrastinate doing something you don't want to do. I know I don’t want to apply for jobs or write or really do much of anything and now I’m stuck trying to figure out if I really need a break like I kind of feel like I do or if I’m just trying to put off something I'm not keen on doing.

Current Mood: annoyed

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Kate

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Page Summary

My Head Hurts
I would like to hit pause on the world—please and thank you
Writer's Block and School Struggles
This is just a lot of whining about death and pain
Getting the Flu & hearing "I told you so" would be worse than doing the job I get paid to do.
PMS is a Mean Bitch and a Sensitive Little Snowflake
Rambling
Always Hungry
Haircuts and Hand Grenades
Friends and Hair Cuts
Whining
Earache Trouble
Congestion is Evil
Post Vacation Blues
Job Applications - The HORROR

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Confessions of Fangirl

Fangirl all the time

Entries tagged with whining etc.

My Head Hurts

I would like to hit pause on the world—please and thank you

Writer's Block and School Struggles

This is just a lot of whining about death and pain

Getting the Flu & hearing "I told you so" would be worse than doing the job I get paid to do.

PMS is a Mean Bitch and a Sensitive Little Snowflake

Rambling

Always Hungry

Haircuts and Hand Grenades

Friends and Hair Cuts

Whining

Earache Trouble

Congestion is Evil

Post Vacation Blues

Job Applications - The HORROR