float_on_alright | Entries tagged with rambling

I decided when I was randomly creating goals in my writing dot com account today (for the first time in a year or two) that I was going to journal at least five minutes a day this week. Honestly, I’ve been meaning to start journaling and writing again. I really do want to start writing some fanfiction again. I’ve been bouncing around some thoughts in my head about Carson Drew and Ryan Hudson on Nancy Drew. I mean, COME ON. I know the show is going for the whole, “Carson will be the dad Ryan never had!” But all I’m seeing is, “Carson is about to be Ryan’s Daddy and Ryan is going to learn to be his baby boy.” I’ve been reading a lot of D/s, Daddy/boy (not so much on the age play thing, but otherwise), and dark incest erotica lately. Granted, I started shipping them A WHILE ago so it’s probably more shipping them that’s influencing my reading choices more so than the other way round. But it’s hard to break back into writing after a long break. I thought journaling might be the way to go. I saw a thing saying you could change your life in 8 minutes a day and one of those minutes was supposed to be for journaling, and I like that concept, but how much can you really journal in 1 minute? I chose 5 and my timer just ended. Anyway, I should probably have made it 10 minutes, and I did think about doing that, but it felt intimidating at the time. Ten minutes seems like a long time even though it really, really isn’t. I’d thought about doing a word count goal too, and while that might be something I work back up to eventually, I decided setting a timer and just letting go was the best option for returning. I guess we’ll see how this all goes.

Current Mood: sleepy

Brain dump time. I’m feeling stuck on a school assignment. Actually, I don’t know if stuck is the right word, exactly, maybe overwhelmed. There’s so much to choose from and I’m just feeling like everything is too much and I read things but I don’t process things. I was doing okay. I did manage to finish a short essay last night that’s due on Friday so I’m glad about that. Not that I’ll be posting it just yet. I probably need to make a few more edits. I say that, but really it’s just the fearful procrastinator in me who wants everything to be beyond reproach or not done at all because then I won’t be “rejected.” If you don’t try, your grade isn’t a reflection of your efforts, which is an absolutely lousy way to live. I don’t want to keep living that way. I’m always afraid that people will laugh at me and reject me. I love people who say “other people’s opinions don’t matter!” I’m not saying they’re wrong, I’m just saying that my brain and feelings absolutely care about what other people think, and when they reject me the pain is unbearable. I don’t know how to tell you that I can’t stop that reaction, that no amount of prep work or platitudes makes that pain any less. I don’t think people who don’t have Rejection Sensitivity get it. I really don’t think they understand at all. I wish I didn’t feel this way. It’s an awful, awful feeling to have. Any little bit of criticism or perceived rejection is devastating and debilitating. Okay, maybe not “any,” but it definitely doesn’t take much to send me into a spiral of self-hatred and grief all because someone else said they didn’t like something I made or said or did. Logically I know I can’t make everyone like me. Logically I know that I shouldn’t even care if someone people don’t like me. Not to mention that if someone doesn’t like something I did, that doesn’t mean that they don’t like me personally. Lots of time it’s not personal, or at least it isn’t personal to them. It always feels personal to me.

Okay, probably more later, but time has run out for this.

Current Mood: stressed

This weekend has been such a wonderful mix of relaxation and productivity. I’ve got a mountain of recycling, nearly a full bag of trash, and a pile of books and another pile of clothes to donate somewhere. I thought I was going to be able to stack my Funko Pops two high on my bookcase if I had an empty shelf. As it turns out, the bookshelf is about three millimeters too short to stack the Funkos by two in their boxes. As that’s the case, I did one layer on that bookshelf of Wonder Woman related Funko Pops (I have three different Wonder Woman Pops plus two other characters from the DC movie), and then I took the ones that I had already taken out of their cases to display and put them on top of the layer of boxed ones. Width wise, five is about perfect on the shelf. They fit just snugly enough to look right, but not so snug that anything is forced or squished. I actually might be able to slightly adjust the height of the shelves so I may have to look into that at some point. Right now the remaining encased Funko Pops are on the top of my writing desk like they’ve always been, but distributed more evenly and not precariously stacked three or four high like they were. The ones I left on the the writing desk are all Marvel. The unpacked ones are unrelated--Holtzman, Sailor Moon with Luna, and an Adipose from Doctor Who, of all things. The Adipose was a gift from a Secret Santa a few years ago.

My secret Santa this year got me this amazing block “K” that’s close to a foot tall and about seven or eight inches across and it’s “modge podge”-ed with old Marvel comic covers and characters. It’s beautiful. And the original purple Hawkeye is on there, along with all the heavy hitters--Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Captain America, and Spider-Man. Honestly, that Hawkeye is on there with the “big” ones is a little surprising. He’s on there a few times and he’s definitely the “least popular”/”well known” character on the thing by what feels like a lot. I know me and a few of my friends are big Hawkeye fans, but I feel like we’re not the “norm.”

One of my favorite cosplays from Dragon Con this year was a guy dressed up as Faction’s Hawkeye with a sign that said something like, “Hawkeye is a better than Green Arrow; change my mind.” I flipping loved it. But it’s still a thing that people don’t care that much about Hawkeye. I have friends who literally care about him only because… Actually, it would be better to say they only care about me and therefore put up with my obsession, but that’s okay, I love them for it.

I feel like I should check in. I definitely didn’t have great focus today. I did get a lot done in my room, but there is still a lot of little stuff to get done. I’ve decided that I’m not going to tackle my bathroom until New Year’s Day. And my focus for tomorrow is going to be writing until it’s time to have a movie marathon virtually with Reb. I thought about going out and about. I have that invite with the Harry Potter people and I got another invite today from a former coworker to come to her place tomorrow for a sort of “open house” party from noon until “whenever.” it was a super sweet offer and I did think about it, but for me its far more important that I focus on writing a story and posting it, reading 11 more things that I can count towards my Goodreads list, and continuing to work on my room/bathroom. Plus, after all the socialization and family time from the last couple of weeks, and the nature of my job and how much outreach I’ve been doing lately, well, my social battery felt like it was not only drained but also leaking acid. I’m starting to feel charged again, but I don’t know if I’m back to “going to a party where I won’t really know anyone there very well” levels of battery power. Actually, I know I’m not at that level.

I’m feeling much better depression wise today. There are some sneaky things still happening, but there aren’t as many, I don’t think, and I definitely physically feel like I have more energy and focus. I know it could be a coincidence, but it really seems like the Vitamin D has had a huge, positive impact on me.

On a side note, I’ve been going through my stuff as I’ve mentioned, and I keep coming across the notes on my story from the Dragon Con writing workshop two years ago. I’ve decided to burn everything paper I have from that day. I’m tired of it holding so much power of me. I don’t know if burning it will help, but I’m hoping that the act of burning those pages will release some of that ugly sway they still seem to have on me. There’s no way to know, of course, not really. But I feel like the act, in and of itself, is sort of ritualistic.

We don’t have a fireplace--well we do, but it’s gas and encased in glass--but we do have a fire tub in the backyard. It’s a massive thing though and there are a few obstacles. Firstly, it's in the backyard, which I mentioned earlier is currently a swap with a very muddy canine beast in it. Getting back there without being tackled by said mud beast is not going to be easy. Also, I don’t have any clothes never mind shoes that I want to sacrifice at the moment, and with the mud out there like it is right now, that’s what would have to happen. I could go in shorts and bare feet, but I have a dog who poops in the backyard and its kind of cold. The papers I’m burning are not going to be enough to constitute a “fire” by which to keep warm.

We also have a charcoal grill which could work. If I took the grate out, I’d have a nice mini tub in which to put the papers before dropping in a lit match. That could work. I think that’s in the garage and it likely wouldn’t be nearly so big a deal to use. It would also probably be easier to clean out the ashes after. The only question is whether or not dad still has charcoal in the damned thing since the last time he used it.

I know I could just toss them or put them in the recycle. Or shred them with my hands and then threw them out, which I suppose could have its benefits, but there’s something about the idea of lighting them on fire that’s really calling to me and I don’t think I’ll be satisfied until I’ve watched them shrivel in flames until they’re nothing but flecks of burned paper. I think seeing that happen and knowing that I’ll never have to look at them again and that no one else will ever see the words on the pages again is going to be therapeutic. I’m a little concerned that I’m going to give in to laziness and not make the point of burning the pages because I think it really is vital that I burn them to nothing. Hopefully, I’ll stand my ground on this for myself. I think it’s really what I need.

Well unlike last night at 2 am, I am starting to feel sleepy (I was jacked up until well into the morning last night, not sure why, but sometimes you just got to roll with it). I should try working on my story a little before I pass out for the night, if I can manage it.

Current Mood: sleepy

I decided to take a little break. Not that I’ve been working solid or anything, but my ankle was feeling tired and I’d just finished one of the movies I’ve had on while I work on this stuff so it seemed like a good time to sit and write for a bit. The unfortunate thing is that I’ve just realized how hungry I am which is total bollocks because I ate lunch… actually, I guess that was two or three hours ago. I didn’t eat a proper breakfast either unless you count eating BBQ chips and tablespoons of peanut butter and honey at 5:30 in the morning before you go to sleep “eating breakfast.” Cause, yeah I’m pretty sure it doesn’t.

I feel bad about the dog. I don’t feel confident about walking her and right at this moment, I can’t afford to pay someone to walk her. And she’s not getting a ride around town in my car either. She’s a filthy, filthy mess. It’s been raining the majority of the last week. We had one really nice day in the middle but otherwise, it’s been rain, rain, rain. Sometimes I feel like North Carolina doesn’t have a “winter” it has a “rainier season.” The backyard is flooded. I’m not too worried about the house or anything because we sit pretty high up and we’re on a concrete slab (no crawl space) so we’re not likely to have issues with the water. I guess it could cause issues with the support structure of the back porch, but it seems to be holding up fine. I think it too is high enough to stay out of sitting water. They did a good job for the house when they grated. The front yard too. The backyard though is a pond. It doesn’t help that between the three dogs we’ve had over the years here there are a ton of holes in the ground. Some of those holes are over six inches deep and over a foot wide. They hold A LOT OF WATER and because the grass doesn’t properly grow in a lot of these spots, it’s a literal recipe for mud puddles.

The dog is so dirty that in drying off on the porch she’s left mounds of dirt on the back porch. The stairs up to the porch are now the color of the not-quite-red clay we have here.

Which is all to say there is no way I’m putting her in my car. My car is enough of a mess without adding that. Granted my back seat is cluttered with books and other such things at the moment, and I have enough on my plate for the moment that I don’t feel like adding “cleaning the car” to the list. I really should get the hookah stuff out of there. It’s been in my trunk for like a year. It should probably go in my closet or something. But I’m already in the midst of trying to make that a less dangerous place I’m not sure that I want to add anything else. Actually, once I’m finished with the work I’m doing right now I should have a spot for it. I see it coming together in my head and I think it’s going to be good. I’ve got a little stand in there that might work well in my office too.

I’m also looking into donating a few more of my books. I want to open up space on my bookshelf for some of my Funko Pops. They’re not displayed in a great way at the moment and I’d like to see them in a better spot. Not to mention that I don’t currently have room for any more and as much I love them, there’s no way I’ve bought the last pop I’m ever going to buy. This is also supposed to be the year we get Wynonna Earp pops.

I still haven’t watched the second part of the third season. I know it’s dumb, but I’m still grieving Dolls. He’s a fictional character, I know, but one of my favorite parts of the show was watching the two of them interact. Really, all of Dolls interactions with all the other characters were some of my favorite things. I know the actor is getting to go onto bigger and better things, and I’m happy for him. But, the best parts of the show for me was how he was growing and how he was with the other cast members. Him mentoring Nicole? Dolls sort of fathering Waverly? Him challenging Doc? Him butting heads with Nedley? Those were the best things about the show behind him and Wynonna and Nicole and Waverly.

I love Nicole and Waverly, they’re fantastic, and I don’t want to give up on their story. I don’t want to give up on Wynonna either. Her growth is… great. Melanie Scarfano is a phenomenal actress. And the writing on the show is pretty great overall. There is so much to love about the show, there really is, but I’m devastated that Dolls isn’t part of the team anymore.

He’s a fictional character, but he’s just so near and dear to my heart, I can’t stand it.

Not that Dolls or Wynonna Earp are my priorities at the moment. I suppose I could use the time I’m working on reorganizing to catch up on season three, but it’s hard enough not to get distracted by the TV when I’ve got stuff on it that I’ve already seen or is just generally lighthearted enough that it won’t matter if I miss anything. You listen to a Hallmark movie and keep up, you don’t actually have to watch it.

Anyway, I’m hungry and I have a ton of work left to do so I’m going to leave this here for now.

Current Mood: amused

I figured I’d use my time on the drive/Ferry to Ireland wisely by writing a little. Even if I can’t actually post anything until I get somewhere with WiFi that doesn’t mean that I can’t get myself ready.

I need think carefully about my goals for this week. With being on vacation and in a hotel in a forgein country, I don’t want to overextend myself goal wise. However, I don’t want to fall too far behind on my word count goals or my story a month challenge. And it’s not like I won’t want to write about my adventures in Ireland.

I was trying to do a bit of typing while I watched Legends in the background, but there was another episode I hadn’t seen. At least one that I don’t remember seeing and I think I would’ve remembered it—at least vaguely. It was their Christmas episode and they had to save George Washington and America. Rory ended up being an inspiration to Washington which was fun. It was the first time Amaya and Nate hooked up. I remembered mentions of the chore wheel from Ray and I feel like we see Mick’s “pet rat” in later episodes, but I don’t remember the scene where Ray gives it to him. I don’t remember the first episode where Rip is shown being brainwashed to do evil shit by the Legion of Doom.

Not that it matters, except that because I hadn’t seen it before, I didn’t feel like I could concentrate on writing. Also, if I’m writing, the “Doc” app is sitting on top of the Vudu app on the side so I’m missing about a quarter to two thirds of the video, screen wise. Some apps work as split screen and I can have one app on one side and one app on the other, but some stuff it seems doesn’t work that way. I don’t mind missing that much of the screen when I’ve already seen the episode, but since it wasn’t one I remembered seeing I felt like I needed to see the whole screen. There’s so much about the season that’s making more sense in the rewatch and I keep realizing that I missed more of it than I thought I did. I know I’ve seen every episode of season three, but I’m glad I’m going back and looking at everything again with the whole picture rather than just most of it.

I love Nate and Amaya’s love story. It’s not usual for me to love a love story that’s bound to be tragic, but there’s just something lovely about it. And I wonder about the person she has her family with eventually. I don’t know. I know Amaya has gone back to her village, but I hope that she will still make appearances.

I know John Constantine won’t immediately be joining, joining the team, but I’m just chomping at the bit to have him as a regular. I do hope that they add another person of color to the main cast. I know they still have Zari, but Jax is gone and Amaya isn’t likely to be a regular. It just seems important that they keep a diverse cast. It worked really well for them the last two seasons and I would hate for them to lose that. Granted, they’ve been pretty good about keeping the show diverse in race, ethnicity, religion, etcetera so I don’t know why I’d doubt they will keep that up.

Current Mood: dorky

I’m so tired. I’m frustrated and cranky and in a hella pissy mood in general. I know it’s partly that I’m tired. I’ve been going and going and going for what feels like weeks and when I think about it, it kind of has been. I worked Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday of the last week of August and then that Thursday night I drove to Dragon*Con. Dragon*Con was a whirlwind of excitement, activity, and socialization for three and a half days before I drove home Monday evening. I had Ju’Leia over Tuesday and Wednesday was amazing, but it still felt like I was going a little. I mean we had fun and it was low key, watching dumb movies fun, but I was still trying to be functional and sociable which is pretty tough. Then I took her to the airport the next morning. We left the house before 4:30 am. I did get a tiny wink of sleep before I had to be up for a shower and work, but it was not nearly enough. I spent the day at a different branch which meant being hella personable and hella on point since I was with people who would only be judging based on who I was that day. Then I did a day at my normal branch and I honestly don’t remember how I made it through. I had Friday off and I slept a good chunk, but Dad wanted to go get a camera so we did shopping and ran some errands. Then it was back to work on Saturday. Again, the weekend wasn’t overly hard but it was still a lot to pick back up on.

The rest of this week has been hella dumb and frustrating and busy. There have definitely been some good points. I had my yearly review meeting today which went really well. I was stressed and anxious about it so that didn’t help my overall situation, but I was glad to have it done and I was glad that I was given such glowing praise.

It’s just been such a dumb week with being short staffed and the internet going out for a bit and schools not closing at normal times and everyone flooding to the library before the hurricane hits. There’s this crazy woman from Greensboro who keeps calling and then getting into tangents about the devil being alive and well in North Carolina and just… all kinds of stuff. I’ve got a three day weekend this weekend and I know I’m going to be doing nothing but recovering.

That said, I’m heading to bed and hoping that tomorrow will be easy even if I’m worried we’re going to be overrun.

Current Mood: exanimate

It was a work day for me today and I can’t say as I had a particularly productive day in an “I did my library work” kind of way. I did get my audiobook post rough draft written and we’ll see what Jared thinks and if he’d want to have me do that on a regular basis. I think it would be sort of fun, so, hopefully, he does too. We’ll see I guess. Otherwise, I started playing with my iPad and downloading stuff I think I might want to watch over the course of the trip. I’ve downloaded (or tried to download) something like 8,402,763 hours or so worth of TV and movies to watch which is way beyond overboard. I’ll have to make painful choices. LE SIGH. But that’s going to be an ongoing struggle.

I’ve been feeling extra tired and kind of unwell a lot this week and I’m not sure why. I know that I haven’t been getting enough sleep, but when do I ever get nearly enough sleep? I don’t feel like I’m coming down with anything really. I mean yes I feel queasy and weird, but I just… don’t know. I guess I have been struggling with headaches too. But the tiredness is just worse than I’m used to, and I don’t like it. I don’t know if I am sick or I am tired or if I’ve been getting even less sleep than usual and I just don’t realize it or what, but I’m not in love with it. I’m pretty much the opposite of happy about it.

It’s also possible that I should be giving myself credit because it’s possible that I have been taking on more than usual too. I was talking to one of the girls at work and she was talking about being lazy. I said something about being lazy every spare minute I got, and I still think that’s true, but she acted like I was crazy. She said that I’m always doing something and that every time she talks to me, which is quite a bit, I’m working on something or doing something. I don’t feel like I’m that active. I mean, a lot of what she’s talking about is writing or reading and that doesn’t feel like work to me. Okay, well, writing might be work and editing too, but I guess it still doesn’t feel like I’m not being lazy when I do it… which come to think of it, is probably something I should rethink.

Anyway, my point is that if I’m nearly as busy as she says which might be true or close to it, then maybe I’ve been wearing myself thinner than I realized. If so, then that would go along way towards explaining why I feel like I do. And also why I’m still feeling tired after getting woken up from a three-hour nap. Not to mention that I had to be woken up from a three-hour nap in the middle of the afternoon. Well, my nap started in the afternoon, it was dinner time and well into the evening when I got up. My mom keeps fussing about me sleeping tonight, but I honestly don’t think I’ll have a single issue going right to sleep when I lay down or staying asleep through most of the night. I’m setting an alarm because I don’t think I’ll wake up in time to go to the theater at noon if I don’t. I could be wrong, I suppose. We’ll certainly find out!

One of my buddies says I’m feeling this way because I’m “getting old.” He’s a month older than me and his theory is that you start falling to pieces at 30 and that it happens in chunks not steadily. I disagree. Well, I at least hope he’s wrong. I know that I can’t do to myself what I used to in terms of lack of sleep, but also don’t think I agree with the idea that I would suddenly struggle so much more with the same lack of sleep I’ve always had. I keep telling myself I need to go to bed at more reasonable hours especially since I go to the gym before work most work days, but I’ve never really tried very hard to enforce that change on myself.

I don’t know. This is mostly just a jumbled bunch of thoughts. I’m still feeling a little disoriented and tired which probably means I really should head back to bed. Ugh, I wanted to get farther in my story, dammit.

Current Mood: nauseated

It’s after ten o’clock and I really haven’t done any writing except the discussion questions for my book club on Monday. It’s important that I get my rough draft done of the teen blog. I should have a few solid hours in the morning to get the blog post written. I did decide on a theme and I’ve found at least one book. I think it likely that I’ll be able to find a few more fairly quickly. Then it’s just a matter of using Goodreads and other book sites to describe the books and try to be a little quippy when speaking of them. I can do that. I can. And it’ll help me meet my writing goal. And then I just pray that it’s a quiet day and I can work on my story at the desk. I mean, I’ll definitely be able to work on it when I get home, though we’ve I’ve tried to work on it tonight I haven’t been very successful. But the last couple of days have been so exhausting, I can’t say I’m surprised. Well, I’m too tired, physically and mentally, to keep fighting this battle so I’m out for the night guys.

Current Mood: drained

I’m exhausted today. I should be in bed right now, but I promised myself I’d at least do a little writing before I went to bed. I’m trying to make a daily habit of writing really, but I am struggling today. It’s been a long day. Not a bad one, just a long one and I’m feeling drained from it. I’m definitely not getting enough sleep, and I’m probably also readjusting to getting up at stupid o’clock to go to the gym with dad. Part of it is knowing all the stuff that’s coming up and having a hard time focusing on work instead of daydreaming about the upcoming adventures. It’s tiring reigning in your brain over and over again from its treks into DragonCon and Ireland and all the friends and family I’m going to get to visit between the two trips. Plus, the room reservation stuff at work has been crazy busy, and there’s part of me that regrets taking on that project. I mean, I don’t really, but it is a lot to deal. Sometimes more so than others.

I’m sure my obsessive brain isn’t helping either because there are just too many things to obsess about right now. There’s everything I’ve mentioned thus far and “The Meg” which my brain is fully attached to, and I’m thinking about my costume for DragonCon and how I’m going to play it. I’m thinking about packing.

Other things that exhausted me today: a going away party for a coworker where a ton of people crammed themselves into a room, many of which I didn’t know, reading the end of an exhausting book for my book club, setting up a second party for the teens and then cooking and then cleaning, just having to be a person constantly. There was so much of being a person today, and I didn’t get to have my usual lunch break because of the party.

I really want to work on my fanfic story for The Meg, but every time I open it today, I stare at it and then either get distracted or get forced away. I think the tiredness and the peopling are interfering today. I’ll have to try again tomorrow. Hopefully, tomorrow will be more normal. Of course, we have the Teen Finale in the afternoon so the afternoon won’t be typical, but at least maybe my lunch will be.

Alright, I needed to go to bed hours ago.

Current Mood: exhausted

I’m tired tonight. We had fun wandering around the Pride Festival today and I’m glad I went. One year. I hope to do a parade, but I don’t think this is the year. I think I’m going to have a whole day at home relaxing tomorrow. Well, relaxing d, doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, and getting ready for work on Monday. The folks will be home before I get home from work on Monday so I’ll need to have everything in good order before they get back and right now everything is in a bit of an uproar. “Uproar” isn’t the right word. Everything is slung all over the place because I can’t be arsed to pick anything up.

I had planned on having a bubble bath this afternoon after I walked the dog and had some dinner, but I just never got around to it so hopefully, I’ll be working that into the schedule tomorrow too. It’s hard to have one once mom comes home. I often like to try to get in two while they’re gone, but I’m on my period (sorry y’all) and it’s been really heavy the last couple of days and soaking in a tub just hasn’t felt appealing. Things should slow down enough overnight that I’ll be able to enjoy a bath tomorrow.

I shouldn’t have saved writing for so late at night, but I was busy this afternoon, I had to walk the dog this evening, and I was just exhausted after walking around in the hot sun for a few hours. Not to mention, again, my period. That always leaves me a little more tired than I’d like. Which means that as much as I’d like to use tonight to get ahead on my writing, I just don’t think that’s going to happen. I should try to make a general schedule for myself tomorrow, but I also don’t want to make myself set an alarm.

Either way, I should probably go to bed soon because I’m tired and because I do have a lot to get done tomorrow.

Finish laundry, put up what’s clean.
Empty the dishwasher.
Clean the kitchen. Make sure there’s nothing out from the Pride adventures.
Tidy my bathroom.
Write.

I should take tomorrow to decide what my August story is going to be and make sure that it’s at least started. I don’t have a lot of time left writing wise and I’m going to have another busy week coming up with editing my blog post, reading my graphic novel book club comic book, writing questions for the discussion, Allison’s going away party, the teen volunteer thank you party, and the Summer Break Finale. Shit, at least I think that’s all next week. It’s possible some of that is the week after. Regardless though, tons of shit going down! Lots to do!

Current Mood: amused

I need to figure out what I’m going to write for my August Story because I really need to have it done by August 29th or so. Basically, before I leave for DragonCon. It would best to have it posted by the weekend before because once the week starts I’ll have Graphic Novel Book Club on Monday night, work late on Tuesday, and I’ll need to make sure I’m properly packed on Wednesday so that I can leave after work on Thursday. I also need to see if Casey can pick up my stuff for me. And I need to grab her congratulations card too since she just finished grad school. The dollar stor would probably be a good place to start. I’ll need some strong glue, silver pain, maybe a good black paint too. I should poke around their stuff and see if I see anything I could spray paint part of me wants to get a baseball bat and spray it different colors and then add like Saturn’s Glyph in purple, but I’ve only got two weeks to put all this shit together, and that includes writing my August story.

I’m tired--which is pretty much the norm and no more so than usual--and hungry and battling a headache and I have to pee and I’m stuck at this desk for another forty-five minutes by myself. I don’t mind being alone except I don’t want to work with kids and there isn’t anyone to watch my stuff when I go to the bathroom. I know I had the potential to be bored, and probably would be at least part of the time I’m great at gifting quietly when I can read or write which is exactly why I decided to bring my notebook and planner with me. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to read any of this later. That is the problem with handwriting stuff. It’s nearly impossible for me to figure out what exactly I wrote later. It’s hard to count words and I really need to get to my word goal today, preferably a little extra since I was about one hundred shy last night of my goal for the daily count this week. That’s another thing I need to do before DragonCon, meet my writing goal for the month. I’ll be cool if I can get extra. It would be amazing to get some writing done while I’m in Atlanta but I don’t want to count on having the time or energy to do it.

I have spent an incredible amount of time texting on my Apple Watch today--it makes me so thankful to have it because it’s allowed me to fangirl about DragonCon with some of my partners in crime. Stuff like this makes it well worth the money I paid for it. I know it’s not one of life’s necessities, but it’s just so convenient not to have to always pull out my phone to read a text or text back. I can change the volume or a song. I can play a game of solitaire or start a timer. One of the best things is that since I also use it to help me track myself, is that it helps me get up in the morning when my alarm gets off by making noise as well as vibrating on my wrist.

Current Mood: tired

We’ve got family coming tonight which means it’s even more important for me to get something written while I’m at work. Of course, work isn’t really cooperating with that. Also, my general disposition at the moment isn’t helping either. I just spent close to an hour doing absolutely nothing. A couple of coworker, a teen volunteer, and myself talked about goats, goat books, and why some names are “feminine” while others are “masculine” which led to listing gender neutral names. I’m not kidding. To be fair, it was a really crazy morning at the desk and roaming. But considering I spent most of the time between 10am and 11am just farting around on the internet, I can’t really say that I’ve been “working hard all morning” either. I’ve got another hour at the desk in the afternoon at 3pm. I’m praying it’ll be a quiet hour so that I can finish the teen volunteer schedule at least.

I would also really love it if I could do the blog too. I think I may set the goal to finish it by this afternoon so I can email to get approved. It doesn't have to be posted today. I can set it to post when I come to work on Saturday, if it’s been approved by then. The sooner I send it over, the sooner it can get approved and I’d really like to have it approved by Sunday at the lastest so that I can schedule it to post Monday morning. The way my access to the blog posting stuff works is that I have to schedule my post to “publish” and it never lets me schedule the post to publish the same day that I’ve made the post. Part of me wants to make a placeholder, but then I’d have to make sure that I didn’t miss the window for pushing the date/time back if it hadn’t been approved or I needed to make edits for some other reason. It’s best, probably, to leave it alone until it’s written and approved, but I’m often looking for a better way to do things.

Although the thing I’m really thinking about right now is closing my eyes and resting my head for a few minutes. I wouldn’t have long at but I wonder if it still might help. I’m dragging so hard now. I got a few minutes between getting back from Yoga this morning and leaving for work, but it wasn’t long and the benefits have since worn off. I’m soooooo tired. I have had a lot of caffeine already too. Eh, I only have a little while left of my break and I think I’d end up making it harder for me to go to the desk at three if I’m groggy/hungover from my attempted ten or fifteen minute “nap” where I close my heads and lay my head on my table like seven up.

Why is that game called seven up? Dammit, now I have something else to look up, but I’ll have to do that later. I need to finish eating.

Current Mood: giggly

Every time I went to write today I ended up with work in my lap (which is a valid excuse) or getting distracted by something (a less valid excuse). I had good intentions at lunch today, but one of my work buddies was in there and we ended up doing very little other than talking about a cartoon and other fictional loves. It was lovelyyyy. And then when I was at the desk we were either too busy or one of my coworkers would not shut up.

I feel bad for her. Her story was absolutely awful. The thing is, that is not the story to be telling me at the reference desk where everyone can hear and the other thing is, I think she has very little selfawareness. She calls herself an empath and while she is easily hurt, I’ve never seen her be senstive to other people’s moods and feelings. She is incredibly confrontational and still manages to be passive aggressive as well. She’s tried to undermine my friend on several occasions when he wasn’t there to defend himself. She’s often kind and funny, but I struggle with her too and she never seems to have any idea when people are uncomfortable with a conversation. She does things that seem minorly detrimental to the branch as a whole because she has a fued with the circulation manager (one I don’t entirely blame her for, since he’s a dick too).

It’s not like she’s not a nice person. She is. She’s a good lady. I struggle because she makes it sound like no disagreement is ever fault and everyone around her is just mean to her giving heart and using up all her incredible patience and giving and it just irks me. I never feel like she’s “feeling what I feel.” Sure, she’s sympathetic, but I’ve never seen her react to someone who is emotionally hurting by emotionally hurting with them. That, to me, is the main part of being an empath. Maybe I just don’t see it, but here’s the thing--I almost always DO see the pain in everyone. It DOES hurt me when other people around me hurt and it tears at me. I can’t NOT do something to try to make it better. I don’t always succeed, sometimes there isn’t a single thing I can do.

I think that’s the rub because I do feel her pain. I can’t not. I can’t turn it off very well. It’s why I need so much time alone. If I’m around people, I’m feeling their energy. Sure, some people are nuetral and some people give off an positive kind of energy, but the vast majority of people pull it right out of me as if I can give it to them. And, hell, maybe I do.

Anyway, I got distracted (again) and it’s midnight so I’m going to go to bed. Fingers crossed that tomorrow when I work with her, she’ll give me some peace.

Current Mood: bitchy

I barely squeaked out my goal for the month of July but I made it so I can’t complain. I was worried I wouldn’t make it because of how tired I was last night. Even after getting a very solid, long night’s sleep on Monday night, I still felt tired. Plus, I had a crazy, long day on Tuesday and starting off the day having my gaps stabbed and my teeth scraped with sharp, metal hooks did not impress me, at all. I was worried that I would be mobbed today at the Kids Eat Free hospital visit and I wasn’t sure how to handle that considering that I’d been mobbed the shit out of yesterday at the Harry Potter Fest which did go better than I worried it might. I wasn’t mobbed though and I’m thankful for that.

I was able to make a few notes on my statement of purpose for my master’s degree application tonight as well as add a few lines to the rough draft. I often try to craft stuff like this in my head before I work on it on paper, but I’ve decided that for something this important, I ought to make sure I have notes about all the things I think to include and at least one draft before the final letter gets crafted. There are several questions they’re asking about career and goals and how my mission lines up with their mission. I do feel like the school I’m applying to right now would be a good fit for me, and I think I’m one of the best library science candidates to ever apply, but I need to find a way to explain why those things are true. Since I’m a writer, it wouldn’t seem like 700 - 800 words about why I’ll be the greatest librarian ever (just kidding obviously, though I do believe I’ll rock at it given more time and training) would be a hard thing to do. It always is difficult when it’s important though. I

Part of the difficulty I feel like I’m facing right now is actually the suggested word count. I feel like I could talk about libraries, my experience with them, and why I want to be a librarian for at least a couple of thousand words. Hell, I think I could already write a thesis with those questions as my focus, so limiting myself to less than a thousand words seems tricky. I get why they have that limit though. Any more words than 800 would be a whole lot to read when you look at multiple applications, and proving that you can get a point across clearly and concisely is (or at least, I assume it is) an important part of assignments in grad school.

I guess I’m just saying I have a long way to go. Though it doesn’t really seem like it’s far to go.

But all that will have to wait because I’m exhausted.

Current Mood: tired

I need to write! I’m so close to my goal for the month. I need about 2000 more words between today and Tuesday in order to make the goal I made for myself. I got behind on my goal for the year so I’ve been trying to make up some of that loss. I got behind enough to know that I need to average about 635 words a day from now until the end of the year. My initial goal was an average of 600 words a day, but with being a little short in May and getting only about halfway to my June goal, I’m a good deal farther behind than I’d like. I wanted to try to make up for some of that this month. Maybe average more like 650 or 700 words a day to take some of the pressure off future months like September and October when I’ve got lots of stuff going on, but I couldn’t quite get there. I’m not too terribly upset by that. In all fairness, this is the best writing month I’ve had in the last three or four months so I can’t complain. I was able to write two fanfic stories and one Writer’s Cramp story as well as some bits and bobs of other things. I think this is the least hard my stories have fought me all year, so I’m certainly thankful for that.

It has felt wonderful to produce at that level too. I mean, I know that other people somehow manage to pump out over a thousand words a day, and I have done that here and there, but I’m trying not to compare myself to other people. I’m trying to remember that comparison kills confidence and creativity. The best thing I can do is try to improve myself and that’s what I’m doing by pushing myself to write. And now apply for grad school. So yeah, I just need to pump out some more words. I can do that. I’m really close and I can do it.

Current Mood: amused

I finished the story I was working on that comes after the two stories I have already in my Sharon/Natasha saga. Saga is probably not the right word and indicative of a far larger storyline than I have for the two of them, but I like the word so I’m going to use it anyway because I can if I want. Stick that in your pipe and (don’t) smoke it.

I’m in one of those looney moods. I usually get like this when I’m stupid tired. I’m not stupid tired. I mean I am tired, but I’m not stupid tired. I slept deeply last night for about 8 hours and I’m having a very relaxing day at the beach with C and T. Not that I think I’m all the way rested. I did have a lot going on the last few month/weeks and since I worked through the weekend and worked extra the last couple of days and added packing and driving about four hours to get to the beach into the mix, I’m sure that I have a ways to go before I’ve totally “recovered.” That said, stupid tired is usually when I haven’t had proper rest in five or six days and I’m pushing through another workday or major responsibility.

On the other hand, I’m with my friends in my pjs listening to the thunder and thinking about how excited I am that we’re getting a season four of Wynonna Earp and Funko Pops sometime next year and there are all these books out now that I am in love with and enjoying immensely in different ways and I don’t have to be back at work until Monday which is like four and a half days away—I guess I’m feeling really blessed and happy right now.

I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking about dating and romance and such, and I was talking to an aromantic friend of mine who mentioned queerplatonic relationships. It’s not that I am unfamiliar with the phrase because I do know it, but I don’t know, I think I never really considered it for myself before. I think I decided, at some point, that I was bisexual or pansexual and kinky and that was all I really needed to know. I knew that I have the desire to spend my life committed to one person and that the gender of that person is unimportant to me.

Sidenote: I know that gender can be and often is a very important part of someone’s personal identity and I don’t want to make light of that, however, their gender, regardless of what that gender might be, isn’t going to be a factor in whether or not I want them as a life partner.

Anyway, because I knew that I did want a life partner, and I had I had a good idea of what my sexual identity was, I never stopped to further consider my romantic identity. The fact that I haven’t really does enforce further for me how frustrating heteronormative this society is and how much it hurts people’s explorations for themselves. But here I am, thirty-two years old, questioning over what I really want out of this life partner I imagine for myself. It occurs to me that part of the reason why I find dating so truly horrendous is because what I want out of a relationship might not be what other people consider to be a romantic relationship. My idea and their ideas seem to match up in a lot of ways. I want to share a home and responsibilities. I want to travel and make life adventures together. I want to watch dumb movies on Friday nights and sit enjoying music and reading our separate books together. I want to have mutual orgasams and make out sessions. The thing is, I have never felt romantic attraction to someone I wasn’t friends with first. Sexual attraction, yes. Attraction to the idea of a relationship, yes. But those aren’t the same thing. And I’ve come to think that maybe, the real problem with dating for me is that you go straight to seeing if you’re romantically compatible and I don’t think I’m ever going to feel romantically compatible with someone who is, otherwise, a stranger.

That’s one theory. The other theory is that I’m more along the lines of lithoromantic (there are other words, but that’s the one I know) which is basically liking the idea of romance and loving the idea of having a romance with someone right up until the moment they have a romantic interest in me.

I think maybe it’s a combination. The idea of a traditional romance—meet cute, dating, relationship, marriage—doesn’t quite work for me. I want a friendship to organically become deep and mutual and entangled and then have other things layered in, until there’s a lifelong commitment. I think that follows more closely with the idea of a queerplatonic relationship than a traditional romantic one. I don’t know if I’m describing that correctly, but I don’t think it’s the kind of thing that eHarmony can make happen for people.

I’m still annoyed that it’s taken me this long to start considering such a thing.

All my relationships have actually started with vague friendship, hooking up as friends with benefits, and then moving into committed relationship territory eventually. “Dating,” per se, hasn’t really resulted in me wanting to commit to someone. I think that’s why as much as I’m getting to where I’d be open to having some sort of sexual/romantic relationship, “dating” again just feels like an awful idea.

Current Mood: thoughtful

R. and I got in a solid fifteen minutes of writing this evening which is awesome. I had Harry Potter Club at the library tonight and then I had to make two stops, one for some stuff for a salad party tomorrow at work (uhhh, long story I guess) and one for gas and a car wash. I guess the car wash wasn’t absolutely necessary, but my car hadn’t been washed in quite some time if ever since I got it. I need to have it properly detailed and vacuumed, etcetera, but I gave it a bit of a vacuum myself with a hand vacuum a bit ago and getting it so that the car isn’t totally and completely encrusted with grime and pollen and bug guts and God knows what else seemed like a great idea. Honestly, it was so dirty I wondered if the drive-through wash at the gas station would do any good. It was dark when I did it, or at least the sun was below the tree line so I couldn’t see perfectly, but I could tell it was significantly better post wash than it had been.

My Hogwarts Running Club Magnet even stuck better, that’s how much grime was removed from the car. My poor baby.

I need to give it some fuel treatment too and it won’t be long before I need an oil change again. I’ve now got over 100,000 miles on the thing. When I bought it, it had 32,000 - 33,000 on it and I’ve had it for four and a half years which I guess comes out to just over 15,000 a year. Wait… maybe it’s only been three and a half years. Yeah… It hasn’t been quite four years. I’m not sure where the halfway mark is exactly but the beginning of October but that means it’s like 20,000 miles a year or some shit. Damn, I drive a lot.

I’m frustrated because I don’t feel tired right now. I feel like I must be tired. I had a busy day filled with all kinds of stuff, but I also slept in a little. I don’t know if I got quite a full 7 hours of sleep, but I know it was close. I plan on going to yoga in the morning though, so I already know I’m going to have regrets about not even being in bed yet. Oh well, I guess I should go try to sleep. I’m sure I’ll be able to sleep once I put myself to bed.

Current Mood: mischievous

I promised myself ten minutes of uninterrupted writing time tonight and also that I’d be heading to sleep at midnight. I’ve got about 20 minutes before midnight as of starting writing this so I really need to get my shit together in both of those regards. The annoying thing right now is that I’m hungry. Like of course I’m hungry. It’s annoying. I’ve had more than enough food today including some junk I really should’ve skipped for something else, but there you go.

I need to remember to mark my mileage to and from my diversity seminar thing today on the mileage report. I haven’t had to do one of those in a while and I’m concerned I’ll forget considering all the other things I have going on this week. I’m supposed to be posting the Teen blog post by Thursday, but I’m not even sure what I want to write about yet. I also need to look into why my last blog post didn’t post the way it should and instead just stayed in some weird queue limbo. But that means putting in an IT ticket and that’s so freaking frustrating. I can’t even begin to say how dumb that whole system is and I swear it only recognizes me half the time. I’m constantly having to call them because it doesn’t recognize me or my password or some other dumb thing.

I know how that sounds. I worked in customer support for a tech company and the customer service I’ve been doing has featured light tech support in some form or fashion for quite a few years. I am not unaware of how it sounds like, “sureeeee you didn’t forget your password to that site,” and “of course you did all the appropriate ‘reset password steps’ before you called someone about it.” I KNOW. I know when I go to help people on the computer because they can’t log into their email or some other site it’s a User Error 99.9% of the time.

Most technical issues are absolutely an issue with the user. I really, really know. I had someone tell me that they wanted to call Bill Gates because it was absolutely ridiculous that she could never sign into her Gmail account. Like… Where do people even get this shit?

So yes, I know you’re probably sitting there thinking, “okay Kate, but is it really the technical support site that’s the issue?” And I am here to tell you, YES IT FUCKING IS. I’m not the only person who has issues with it for one, and for two I’ve been able to navigate submitting IT tickets with several different company systems with absolutely no issues FOR AT LEAST SEVEN YEARS OKAY?

The maintenance system is run on the same platform and it too is a Piece of Utter Shit. I cannot describe how much I dread when I have to submit any kind of a ticket. I honestly want to injure someone every time I have to even think about fighting with those sites.

Which means, of course, that I’ve been putting off dealing with the “blogs not posting” issue for like two weeks until it’s a) the last minute and b) I have 8,043 things I need to do and be ready for at the same time.

I’ve mostly got tomorrow figured out, though I’m totally nervous because that’s who I am as a person, I guess. I have a little bit done towards Thursday, but that’s another matter.

Alright, I’ve given myself the writing time I promised and it might be a shame that I haven’t done something more productive than rant about my to-do list and my neurotic nature, but at least I’ve done it.

Current Mood: rushed

God, I don’t want to do anything but read books today. I did do laundry which is good. I’m a little concerned that I might be coming up on another depressive episode. I’ve been doing so well depression wise and while I’ve had quite a bit of low-grade anxiety, my high anxiety days have been relatively few and far between. It’s been a really good couple of years overall so I have a lot to be thankful for. But I haven’t showered since Thursday morning after the gym and I don’t plan to until Monday after the gym.

This could be nothing. This could be I’m not sleeping enough. This could be feeling overwhelmed by all the stuff I have going on. I could just be... I don’t know... but I do know I’ll need to monitor myself carefully over the coming weeks. I should probably also watch my alcohol intake. I haven’t been drinking heavily or anything, but I think I’ve had more alcohol to drink in the last month or so than I had in the three months prior combined. It really hasn’t been excessive, at all, but I know that alcohol can counter-effect my medication and it’s harder on my liver. Of course, as soon I decide I’m not going to have something, I immediately want more of it. I feel like that’s just human nature.

I have some really awesome stuff coming up, though I’m nervous about some stuff too. There will always be things in my life that make me nervous and really that’s a good thing. If I don’t go out there and make myself experience new things then I’ll be closing myself off to a world of good along (even if it comes with some not so good) and likely not really living at all. Again, lots of good stuff coming up like a trip to the beach with friends and DragonCon.

I can’t figure out if I’m reading more because I’m trying to prevent the depression or if I’m reading more because I don’t want to face a depression I’m already in. I’ve been looking around at the state of my room and it’s a wreck. I desperately need to vacuum. My sink isn’t draining properly and I’ve been ignoring it for weeks. When I think about doing anything to correct the issues, I feel myself getting exhausted just thinking about taking action and deciding I'll read instead. The "exhausted just thinking about it" is how I feel when I’m depressed, but I could just be legitimately tired. I get up around 5 am to spend over an hour at the gym most weekday mornings. I spend 90 - 120 minutes in the car a day commuting to work. I work full time. I’ve got a little bit of a social life with my two book clubs and my evenings out with friends. Work has been crazy busy because of Summer Break, end of fiscal year paperwork, taking on more responsibility for the teen volunteers--especially while the head of the department was gone for two weeks on vacation--and the teen services in general, and yearly performance reviews. I got back from Asheville not long ago. There is a lot going on. My days are typically pretty damned full at this point so it isn’t like I don’t have good reason to be tired.

Oh hell. I’m just going to have to keep watching myself, plain and simple. I probably also need to cut back on the reading a little. Maybe start that “The Artist’s Way” book over too. I’m probably not going to do what she recommended about the three handwritten pages because I need to be able to count these "word vomit" type ramblings towards my word count goal like I always have, but if I start working on some of the other projects too and maybe make more private posts, it might be good for my artist self and my mental well being. I need to try to start now before I sink too far into the depression to take any kind of action. It might be good to listen to “You are a Badass” again too. I’ve listened to that book four or five times now, but it really does seem to help even if I have already practically memorized what she has to say. I also think I need to get outside a little more. More trips to the pool and walking/jogging outside rather than at the gym. That last part may have to wait until October because it’s mostly just so damn hot and muggy, but the pool is manageable.

Most of all, I need to keep writing and checking in with myself.

Current Mood: thoughtful

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Kate

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Confessions of Fangirl

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