Confessions of Fangirl

I want to write a sappy Hallmark Christmas Movie style story, and I feel like it shouldn’t be too hard, especially if it’s a fandom story. And yet. I’ve never been able to manage one, not really. They just always come off lame and stilted, instead of cute and warm and fuzzy. I don’t mind cheesy. Cheesy is totally acceptable. Hell, I like cheesy. But yeah, I mean plot-wise it shouldn’t be that difficult. There is a basic formula and beyond that, there are like five basic plots. It doesn’t seem like I should have a hard time managing to follow a formula and a basic plot. And yet, I don’t feel like I’ve ever managed to get there.

Maybe I’ll try again this year. Maybe that will be my goal for this week, pick a fandom and a ship and then work out which kind of plot I’d like to follow. I really want to do a queer couple. All the movies on Hallmark (and Lifetime and Netflix so far that I’ve seen) are about straight couples. I have written and will write plenty more het stuff, I’m sure, but since there is already so much out there for the hets, I’d really like to see some queer stuff. And if seeing queer stuff means having to write, then that’s what I need to do.

Granted, there are loads of fluffy, cutesy, Hallmark-style queer fanfics out there. Still though, I think I really do want to do a queer story. I suppose if after I give it some more thought, there’s a het couple that I think would work really well with a plot/trope/formula and that’s what I end up being drawn to then that’s what I’ll write. I’m just going to debate queer couples first.

A couple of days ago, I finished “Carry On” for the fourth time this year. I love that story so much. No one I know in person is a fan. I think I get why. I mean, none of them finished it, and the end… man the end.

Actually, I say that, but I did find out that someone I know does love that book too. I don’t think she loves it AS MUCH as I do. I’m not sure there are many people on the earth that love it as much as I do, but that’s okay. I was excited that she loved it too though. It was really nice to have that conversation. And when I mentioned that there is going to be a sequel (Wayward Son is the title, obviously) she had the exact same reaction I did. It felt so good to have that validation. All the peeps online have just been screaming about how excited they are for it. I know that it doesn’t make sense for me to not automatically be jumping for joy that there is going to be a sequel to one of my all-time favorite books. I know. But the end of that book is such a perfect (in my opinion) balance between “happy ending” and “real life never wraps up in a bow” that adding onto just seems like she might end up tampering with perfection.

What I heard about the characters in “Carry On” was that after writing all the bits and bobs she wrote for what ‘Cath’ was writing in “FanGirl” Rowell decided that she couldn’t just let Simon and Baz go without them having their own story. (If you want to read about it from the author: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/blog/teen/rainbow-rowell-on-how-simon-snow-got-his-own-book-carry-on/)

But the ‘prophesy’ wasn’t quite fulfilled in some ways, at least not in the characters’ minds so maybe she feels like she needs to make the prophecy actually come true. I don’t know. I still feel like it kind of did. The “world of mages” thinks that “The Humdrum” is the villain of the prophecy and that Simon is the “greatest mage” sent to save them. But I think the villain is actually Simon’s father and that Simon is still the hero even though it isn’t in the way anyone thought it would be.

I am curious to see what she does with the story next, I am. And I am excited to see what comes next for them. They’re such lovely characters, not just Simon and Baz, but Penelope too. I like Agatha. I love the way she starts making the decisions for her life that she wants on her own terms throwing all the things that other people think she should be out the window. She isn’t someone who would typically be considered a “strong female character,” but she is to me. I imagine there are a lot of people who aren’t particularly fond of Agatha, but I think that she is actually really great and kind of inspiring, especially at the end. I think if we get to see more of her that as she grows up she’s going to be a force to be reckoned with in a totally normal life kind of way and I think that’s really fantastic.

I’m just so nervous about upsetting the balance of what things are in the end--like the bittersweetness of Simon not knowing about his parents, even though the reader is let in on it, or how Simon is getting therapy or how Simon and Penny decide to be roommates for a while even though Simon and Baz are together. I like how traumatized Simon, Baz, Agatha, and Penny are, maybe especially Simon. That… sounds awful. What I mean is, all these awful things have happened, and the characters reflect the horror that they’ve been through. All of them do. It’s so emotional to read. Ugh. I’m rambling again and I needed to go to bed an hour ago.

Since I’ve been so obsessed with ‘Carry On’ lately, maybe what I’ll do is write a hallmark movie-style fanfic for them. I could write a version of them where they live in a regular boarding school instead of a magical one. Baz comes from a wealthy family and Simon is a scholarship orphan kid who is struggling to cope. Hmm. I shall have to think on this.

Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man, OH MMAAAANNNNN. “Competence” comes out tonight and I’m so, so readdddyyyy. I already know that I’m not going to be doing much of anything besides listening to that book until I’ve finished it. It sucks for my writing goals because I’m not likely to get a lot of writing done tomorrow and maybe not the next day either. I am so excited. I guess that’s obvious. It’s only that I’ve been waiting so very long.

I was pleased I got a little further in the story I’m working on for this month before I went to bed last night. I need to try to get a chunk of something written tonight before I go to bed, because I’ve got a big day tomorrow and I’m sure I’ll want to listen to my book which will mean a lot of squeezing in hours of listening wherever possible and the likelihood of staying up too late so that I can finish it. How I’m going to listen to a 12-hour book in a single workday, I don’t know, but dammit, I’m gonna try.

That’s probably a silly thing to do since I’m going to have to wait two years for the next one to come out, but I have a feeling that because this one is centered on Primrose and the next one is centered on Percy that it will wrap up well enough for me to be satisfied until the next one comes out. Not that I won’t be desperately excited for the next book because of course, I will, but Primrose might be getting a love story with Tasharet, the enchantingly beautiful were-lioness and they’re just so unbelievably… God, I don’t even know how to describe them. But I am DYING to find out what happens between them. DYING I tell you. I also said that I was going to sleep in on Wednesday so at the very least I won’t be up at 5 am after not having gone to sleep until four am. I may not get to sleep any later than 7:20, but four hours is better than one.

Work is gonna be the worst tomorrow. I just don’t see how I’m going to be able to get much of anything done. Like at all. Hopefully, I’ll be able to use my time on the desk to write a little because otherwise, I’m probably not getting any shit written tomorrow.

I’m hoping that now that I’ve caught up with Shadowhunters that I can digest it and then get back to writing more. There’s absolutely no reason for that to actually be the reality, especially since the real problem with my writing is that I’m obsessed with reading. Like super obsessed. I thought I’d started to come to the end of one of my manic reading periods, but it turns out, I was seriously damn wrong about that. It’s curious the way that goes. Maybe in September? Who knows. I guess we’ll see.

Speaking of September, I’m worried about my DragonCon trip. I’ve got my ticket, but that Saturday is one I’m supposed to work and because it’s a holiday weekend, I’m worried that no one is going to be able to take it for me.  I get it. I wouldn’t want to take that Saturday on either if I didn’t have to, but I already paid for my ticket and made arrangements and I’m supposed to be getting to spend time with a shit ton of people I don’t normally get to spend time with and I’m just going to be really, super freaking pissed if I can’t go.

It’s too early to worry about it too much, I guess. I’ve requested people take a look. If they can’t, they can’t and I guess we’ll see what happens. Again, I can’t do anything about it right now.

For now, I have projects to manage and things to work on and writing to do and I’ll just have to figure the rest out as I go along.

I know I need to sleep, but I want to read my book. You can probably figure out which one is going to win.

I’m staring at my list of prompts from the BigDamnTable minus the ones that I’ve done so far. It’s still a massive list of course. I’ve only done a handful of them, but I’m proud of the ones I’ve done so far. I’m debating right now doing another one next or if I’m going to write another story about Biffy and Lyall. Part of me wants to work more on the list I’ve got going since it’s huge. See the following:

understanding

conversation

darkness

again

warm

cold

lost

rain

unexpected

sunshine

abrupt

pictures

hard

soft

reminder

relaxation

dreams

In the past

in the future

kitchen

late night

early morning

taking charge

coats

leadership

help

risk

blood

power

Avenger/s

time

control

fairness

regrets

transportation

empty

washing

Mission

But I’m still sort of enamored of the story I have of Biffy and Lyall in this time. I would like to see if I could come up with a way to write Channing post a mortal lifetime with Faith and her death. I don’t think he’d be the same wolf we see through the other books. I’m thinking the way Imogen feels about him in “Romancing the Inventor” might actually be a good way to portray him if I decide to go for it. He’s still kind of an ass in that. He’s still haughty, he’s still a bit smarmy at times, but he also genuinely cares for another being and treats her with kindness and support. She’s probably the only one to honestly like him until maybe Faith and even she doesn’t initially like him. I think Faith falls in love with him before she likes him. Imogen likes him from nearly the start. She fears him at first, but within seconds he allays that by respecting her.

One of the things I find really interesting about Channing through the series is that when we first meet him, he’s nearly forcing himself on Alexia, but he also is doing it in such a way that he knows he’ll be stopped. The entire pack is there, including Lyall, the Beta (the only wolf beside his Alpha who can best him in a fight) who will most definitely put a stop to him hurting anyone. When we see him in Romancing the Inventor there’s no one there to stop him coming onto a woman, but when he (quite quickly) realizes that Imogen’s tastes run to women and not at all to men, he immediately respects that. I wonder sometimes if he learned his lesson after how he treated Alexia or if he did what he did because he was always looking for ways to punish himself for the things in his past and he thought pushing Alexia around would get Lyall to punish him. Perhaps it was a bit of both.

Still, I think the way Imogen sees him, someone who is in pain, but wants to good things (chatting with her when she’s hurting, bringing her candy, making sure she’s protected, etc.) might be who is in the time period I’m writing about. And if I could capture that, that pain along with a little bit of peace and forgiveness that Faith brought with her, it would be really awesome to write more about the pack in general.

I think this is probably a decision for another night. I need to finish editing the other story before I really dig into another one and I think getting the story edited and posted will help me clarify better what I want to do next.

At the same time, I think there’s a good chance that I won’t be able to resist writing about Biffy and Lyall getting married and that I’m going to get sucked into that story exactly like I did this last one.

I’ll find out soon enough!

The story for Biffy and Lyall is going well. I think it’s almost done. I’ve been saying that for two days and 1000 words ago now so maybe I’m not a good judge. I just need to get them to the room, so that Biffy can propose and Biffy has been like, “we need dinner first,” so I did that. Then Lyall was like, “uh, he’s kidnapped me; it’s awesome but I need to know that the pack isn’t going to fall apart in the absence of BOTH of us,” So we explained that. Now I just need to get them out of a hallway (unfortunately I have no idea what the inside of the hotel looks like except for a few pictures of the bedrooms on the internet so I don’t know what it looks like where they’re standing) and to their room. I think the sun will also be up soon so I need to address that--in the story I mean.

I also have to decide hooowww exactly Biffy is going to propose and I wanted to look up rings that he might use too.

Well, as it turns out there is an option to show your review when looking at your “read” list in GoodReads so that you can see what you said about the books as you scroll through. The problem is things like re-reads and reviews that are only me going “eeeeeee I love this so muchhhhhhhhh” that I don’t want to include kind of mess up how I’m supposed to count. Sometimes I wrote the review on the first read and the review shouldn’t be counted where it is in the line up because the line up order is when I last read it. So a review I wrote for, say, one of Shelly Laurenston’s books when I first read them four odd years ago (at a guess off the top of my head), show up where I just re-read them a couple of months ago.

Granted, there probably isn’t any real, solid pattern. It probably has more to do with how I feel about the book, the author, and where it came from. Again, if it’s an ARC from NetGalley, it’s definitely going to get a review. If I loved, loved, loved it I’ll probably write a few sentences extolling whatever made me fall in love with it. If I wasn’t thrilled with it, I’ll likely write about why I’m not giving it a great review. I feel like if I’m going to give someone less than three stars, I ought to give my reasons. Sometimes they’re personal reason. Sometimes I just like to complain. Then, if something was really popular and I didn’t think it was good, I think I often like to write about why I didn’t care for it. If something is mostly hated and I don’t understand why it’s so hated, I like to write about that too. I know sometimes I like to write about why I like something that is considered “bad,” especially if it’s something strongly in the spotlight e.g. Twilight. I try to keep myself from feeling like I should have to defend why I like things, but sometimes it feels good to write out why you enjoy something trashy. I think it’s a little like talking about why I love macorni and cheese and hot dogs for dinner (beside each other, not mixed together… though I don’t know if I’d be opposed to eating mac and cheese on a hot dog).

I think you get my point.

I’m still sort of curious about it. If there are times when it’s just that I’ve read so many books without writing a reivew that I feel like I have to review the one I’ve just finished. It would be very interesting to know.

But enough of that for now. I need to go to bed!

The only thing I want to do is read “Romancing the Werewolf” with the possible exception of listening to more of “Timeless”... No, that might be a close third, but listening to “Romancing the Werewolf” would probably come before “Timeless” if after reading it on my Kindle. I am enjoying “Timeless” well enough. The best parts… for me… are the parts that jump back to Lyall and Biffy who are the main characters in “Romancing the Werewolf” so you can see where my head is right now. I also just picked up “How to Marry a Werewolf” but in large part because of the fact that the main guy in the aforementioned book is a packmate of the gentlemen in “Romancing the Werewolf” and it might mention more of their story. I hope to see them being sap-ily, happily in love. YES, I AM OBSESSED WITH THEM OKAY??!! But gosh darn it, they’re just so very wonderful.

I’m still checking NetGalley several times a day for Competence which takes place in the same universe and centers on two characters I’ve been desperately shipping for a couple of years now. I think they might actually get together in this next one and I would just DIE HAPPY. Just *POOF* dead. I had been wanting them to get together but only in a “Kate will ship almost any single female and many not so single female characters if she is given three seconds to think about it” kind of way. But then in the first couple of chapters of “Imprudence,” Primrose got all flustered about Tasherit letting her pet the were-lioness in lioness form. And then there was an insinuation that Tasherit would be very upset about Prim’s random engagement to some random soldier. I can’t remember which thing came first now, because all I remember is that started screaming, “PLEASE BE GAY” at the top of my lungs in my car while driving down the highway. I’m not sure that’s the kind of behavior that suggests a sound mind, but there you have it.

I don’t know if anyone else gets that kind of worked up about fictional characters being gay, but I can’t help it. I do still have my straight ships and there are a lot of straight characters I love, but because there are so many more straight characters (if you consider the history of media in general even more so than if you just compare what’s on TV today) the disparity is huge. Not to mention, a lot of what queer stories have been told have been either a) uncomplimentary aka queerness = monstrous or b) tragic and miserable… or c) both.

I remember for years that people talked about how queer people “only a tiny percentage of the population is gay” and I kept thinking… “no, only a tiny percentage of the population is brave enough to stand up to the horror that it is to be non-cishet in society.” It’s a lot safer now that it even was 15 years ago when I was reading these sorts of things AND GUESS WHAT? More people are identifying with the LGBT+ community than ever before. It’s still low, but in a study a few years ago at a college, the percentage of respondents who identified as non-heterosexual on a survey nearly doubled when they asked about sexual orientation in an indirect and even more anonymous way. Meaning likely there are a whole lot more people out there who don’t identify as LGBT+ because they either haven’t figured it out (heteronormativity is still a pervacious, ubiquitous thing), or they’re too scared to admit it.

I read another article that said a survey for bi men found that only 12% of their respondents said they were out to the people closest to them. GUYS LESS THAN 12% WERE OUT TO THEIR FRIENDS AS BI. Now, I’ll grant you that some of them likely identify as gay instead of bi. I know that happens. It happens with lesbians too because there’s so much pressure on wlw to “realize that they’re being brainwashed to like men.” And just because the world is, essentially, brainwashing women to like men doesn’t mean that they don’t like both men and women.

Wow, it looks like I got off track.

I got through that program tonight for pre-teens so that’s one thing off my list of “reasons Kate is anxious” so helpfully everything will go as smoothly as tonight’s thing did.

I need to go to bed.

I didn’t get up this morning, but I’ve decided to be at peace about that decision. What was kind of amusing was that I woke up at 5:09 am and I really did think about going ahead and getting up at that point and going about my day. I decided to sleep instead, and I think it was needed. I’m struggling with the weather and the changes in barometric pressure as it is and I think skipping sleep would make it worse.

I finished re-listening to Imprudence at lunch today and was in love with it all over again for the most part, except I was more annoyed with Rue’s inability to tell how Quesnel felt about her. It’s so blatantly obvious and sometimes she’s purposefully obtuse which is kind of infuriating. It’s fine being clueless if you’re clueless but it’s frustrating when you’re not actually clueless, especially since she’s generally pretty bright overall. Either way, I am so freaking excited about the next Custard Protocol book, Competence, is coming out in the summer and I can barely contain my excitement. It’s not until mid-July which, after waiting as long as I have isn’t technically that much longer, but I AM SO READDDDYYYY.

I act like I don’t 7,832 other books on my “I want to read and have readily available to me” list as if there is some shortage of books I’m dying to read. Because I definitely have thousands of books that I can easily access what with me belonging to three libraries, having an audible account, and a Kindle Unlimited account… not to mention owning something like 3,000 titles between physical books and my kindle books. It’s absurd, honestly, but I am who I am I suppose. There’s a lot of things I’m working on changing, but my reading habit isn’t one of them.

This headache keeps hanging around. I might actually have to call out sick tomorrow.