float_on_alright | Entries tagged with weird mood

I didn’t do any writing yesterday. None at all. I was exhausted. In a brain-dead kind of way. It’s been a crazy few weeks and the steroid is still messing with my brain. My thoughts keep sliding sideways out of my head. I start sentences and halfway through I’ve lost all track of where I was. It’s sort of hilarious, but it’s also frustrating. It makes writing damn near impossible too because I can’t follow what my characters are doing and thinking. So yeah, by the time I got settled at my sister’s and the girls were in bed, I just didn’t have any brain-wrangling powers left. I hate that I have another day on the calendar that I didn’t write, but it is what it is at this point. All I can do is try again today. The dosage is a little smaller each day, and I think the lower the dose the less I’m affected. I definitely don’t feel as amped up today as I did yesterday and the day before yesterday when it was six all at once was definitely the most intense.

I’ve been whining about it, but I also have to admit that it’s kind of fun in a way too. I’m so happy and excited. I mean I love Christmas, this is absolutely my favorite time of year so it stands to reason that I’m already going to be in a decent mood. But why not intensify that good feeling, honestly? It’s a struggle to focus, that’s for sure and I curse more (I think it’s that I forget to censor myself the way I normally would) which is a bit of an issue at work. Those things aren’t great, but I’m in a really good mood about all of it.

People are also sad for me because I’m having to wear the boot for work and such again (for a little bit), but there’s part of me that’s relieved. My ankle was just in so much pain nearly all the time, I didn’t know how I was going to keep bearing it. I could have taken painkillers, but I hate doing that and I didn’t want to take something that was going to mask the signs of further injury. Also, I just wanted to be fine. I wanted to be healed and okay. Being back in the boot means I’m not healed, and that sucks, but my ankle hardly ever hurts at all in the boot. My foot doesn’t hurt either. I move around at whatever pace I want. It’s a little cumbersome, but I’ve learned to cope with that and I can handle it. I can walk fast with the boot on without fear of pain, and for work, I really need that. I push myself because I want to be fine and because I think I should be fine, but I’m not fine. The great thing about the boot is that it allows my ankle to “rest” without me having to slow down at work (which means I don’t have to push more work onto my coworkers). I’m about to be off for five days in a row, which will be good. I’ll

Is it ideal? No, of course not. I need to keep doing my exercises to strengthen my foot and ankle. I have to remember that I did serious damage.

When I first did it, and I went down, I knew that I was in trouble. The pain was such that I knew it was going to be a long road to recovery. I didn’t think my foot was broken, but I knew in the deepest parts of my heart and mind that it was going to be a long road to recovery. People were very flippant about “sprained ankles” and “not broken” etcetera, but I knew, deep in my soul no matter how much I wanted to deny it, that I was going to be struggling for a while. The doctor said my foot will never be the same, and I don’t know what that means yet. And I need to give my body time to find it’s new normal.

I had the accident over two months ago. It’s been a long road and it seems like the end of the road isn’t in sight yet, but I am better and I can hold onto that.

Current Mood: energetic

I’m crashing now from the drugs. I know it’s just a steroid. It’s a super normal thing that people get prescribed all the time. Lots of people end up hungrier and thirstier. Often people have some stomach upset. These are all normal reactions. I have them too.

My friend’s son gets a little wound up—the doctor said that when he’s on stuff like this he’s more likely to be ornery. My friend describes it as “showing his ass,” which is just the best kind of description in my opinion. Not that that’s the point I guess, but it is a fun expression. I love expressions and idioms and etymology. Just… all of it. Just our whole practice of finding ways to communicate and describe things is amazing to me. Sometimes humans event awful things or use our creativity for evil, but our capacity for invention, communication, and creation is truly one of the most amazing—if also terrifying—things in the world. It probably seems silly to compare the history of our language and the creation of dumb sayings like, “shows his ass” or “Lord willing and the creek don’t rise” to advancements in health, science, exploration, or engineering, but it truly amazes me how capable we are.

Humans are extraordinary. I just wish we had less propensity for using our creativity to destroy each other. Just in general. But I think that’s the trade you make. It sucks, but all I can do is treat people with kindness and respect.

At any rate, steroids do weird things to me. It’s a little like being high. It isn’t exactly that. I’ve been high on weed and shrooms and opioid drugs when I was in the hospital once so I know what those things feel like, and the steroid definitely doens’t quite do that. But it does make me more likely to be weird and wired in a more extreme way than I usually would. I told my friend Jonathan that I very much wanted to skip at some point during the day but that I was working very hard not to skip. He was baffled at first because my foot is back in my boot (at least during things like work, etc.) and was like, “don’t fucking do that!” It was only a little while later that he realized that it was the drugs making me feel that way.

That’s the other frustrating thing about the injury combined with the drugs. The drugs have the effect on me that you would expect three surge soda’s to have on a toddler. I cannot sit still, I fidget to no end. It’s nearly debilitating how hyper it makes me, and it absolutely does make it harder for me to focus.

It can’t be helped for now though. I should probably look to see—

I did that thing again where I start typing things in relation to whatever dream like thing is happening in my head when I’m so tired I can’t keep my eyes open while I type. Suckage.

Current Mood: exhausted

I want to read. Like I really, really, really want to read. It’s itching. Well, the itching is probably not actual itching and just the twitchy, ticky, hyper feeling that comes with taking prednisone--a steroid, in case any of you unfamiliar--gives me. It’s like overloading on caffeine or sugar.

Current Mood: weird

I think I managed to give that girl I have a crush on the right number this time. I got to talk to her a little more today which was really fun. I still want to sew my lips shut after about every other sentence, but I will survive. And honestly, the “I don’t know how to make my mouth stop talking to people” is not a new issue. It’s one I’ve had pretty much my whole. I’m working not jumping in when I’m not needed. I’m working on “staying in my own lane” at work, but honestly, it’s a lot of work for me. Once I’m talking, it’s hard for me to stop. It really is.

I’m trying not to obsess, and I’m doing a terrible job of it. I should be in bed by now. I haven’t made my smoothie. I haven’t gotten anywhere near my writing goal words. I haven’t done much of anything that I wanted to do tonight. Well, that’s not entirely true. I did go to the gym where I did a truncated version of my strength training exercises, and I walked/jogged a mile around the track upstairs. That took about an hour, and that’s after the hour and change it took me to get there from work. The traffic seemed even worse than usual this evening, but it might have been because it took me some time to get out this evening and I may have ended up leaving later than usual.

It’s nearly 1am at this point, and I just cannot seem to get myself together which is really frustrating. I’ve been like this for the last couple of days. I don’t mind having a crush, but I feel like that’s part of what has me so distracted and out of sorts.

And I’m going to have to get up in the morning and shower and make my smoothie, and I’m going to be running on little sleep. At least tomorrow is Thursday I guess. I’d like to have the rest of the thank you cards done tomorrow.

I’ve got some pain in one of my hip muscles, and I’m not sure how to fix it. I can’t tell if I just need to stretch it out a little bit or if I’ve actually strained it in some form or fashion. Either one is possible and not unlikely. I’m going to try my heating pad on it while I sleep tonight. That’s probably also part of it. I think I may have forgotten to stretch before I started getting into things today, so there’s a good chance that’s a big part of the issue.

I can’t remember if I’ve complained about this previously, and maybe I have, and perhaps I should talk to someone about this. Especially the person who I feel most frustrated about doing this.

It’s just that some people seem only to contact me when they want to talk about something in their lives or to ask me to do something with them because they want to “catch up” which will inevitably mean I get to spend a few minutes here and there talking about my life or asking for advice or whatever, but I’ll spend several hours listening to them about their stories and giving them whatever advice/commiseration it is that they need. Look, if you can’t honestly just text me every now and then to say “hey, how are you? How’s your day?” without some other ulterior motive, then honestly, I don’t consider you a decent friend (let alone a good one), and you’re taking a lot of my time and energy without replacing any of it, and frankly, I’m pissed about it. I don’t know how to address it without sounding petty and selfish, but why should I expend a ton of my time and energy on you if you honestly can’t give me any of yours?

And don’t expect me to just automatically share with you when I have something going on in my life unless we’ve established a long-term friendship with back and forths. If you don’t care enough about me to occasionally text me “just to see how I’m doing” then I honestly don’t think you deserve any of my life, honestly.

Look, I’m not asking for people to text me every five hours to see how my day is going. But once a week? Yeah, yeah I am. It is not that hard if you’re already texting me a few times a week about the drama in your life for you to spend a little time asking me about how I’m doing.

If we don’t but every couple of months, then obviously, that’s likely a different kind of relationship.

But I just don’t think it’s too much to ask that people who all the time want my support, to ask me about how I’m doing every now and then.

I just really, really don’t.

Current Mood: sore

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