Maybe I should rename my blog "Ramblings of a Night Owl" or something like that because I swear that's all that's on here. Me rambling. That's okay, I guess. I don't need it to be anything else. I created this mostly for fun though also with the intent of posting fan fiction. I haven't written much fanfic recently. I finished writing a Wynonna Earp fic before the new season started and I finished a Mark/Vex story that should probably never see the light of day, but that I had fun writing. I also wrote a bit of a "not-fic" for Stiles and Derek after watching an episode of American Ninja Warrior, but I'm not sure I count that really, and I think I only put it on Tumblr anyway.
I've put on Grimm while I write this. An episode from season five I think. I would watch Midnight Texas episodes again, but I'm still waiting for them to finish downloading on my computer. I have a bit of a backlog. I buy things on my Apple TV, and then six months later I open iTunes on my computer and deal with the onslaught of available downloads. I think I downloaded all the Wynonna Earp episodes already but I know I still have a bunch of Shadowhunters episodes to download before I get to the Midnight Texas episodes. Since I was talking about my ships last night, I started thinking about Nick and Adalind which made me want to watch them again. I've gone back to the episode where Adalind is about to have the baby because, why not? Plus, that's where things start to change for them. Once she has the baby and he decides he wants to be in his kid's life, they start being partners, then friends, and then more.
I worried a lot about whether or not they would eventually get him back with Juliet. One of the episodes that got me the most concerned -- at least in advance -- is the one where the Cupid guy starts effing with the group, and suddenly everyone is in love with the wrong person. I think it was a Valentine's Day episode, but I think Juliet was spelled into being in love with Nick again or something. I can't remember exactly, but I feel like they had a kiss in it and I was anxious.
Towards the end when Juliet started to get her humanity back, where she stopped being so robotic I was sure that they were going to put her and Nick back together. There's an episode or two with them running around together in the alternate universe, and the previews seemed like the two of them might be bonding. And I think they did, but not in the way I was worried might happen.
So here I am, it's almost 11:30 and I really need to go to bed, and I've spent all this time thinking about my ships and not processing the fact that tomorrow is my second to last day at Scholastic and that I only have 16 hours of work there left.
I mean, I'm starting at a library, and I can't begin to imagine what my life is about to be like. I'm going to make new friends and have new experiences and try to learn new things and try to face new challenges and projects, and I'm terrified and overwhelmed, and I wish I could take time off before I start the other job, more than just a weekend but I really can't.
I'm excited and scared and hopeful and worried and sad and happy. It's been a tangle of emotion I haven't been able to sort out the tangle of emotions. I guess I just have to keep trying.
P.S. I'm really excited for DragonCon.
I didn’t do much new writing yesterday because I was so focused on getting the alien story ready to go that I just didn’t have the energy to do anything fresh. I am doing my morning pages so there is that and I feel good about those. I woke up this morning around 730 so I’d have time to write them before I went to my Employment Services meeting at 9. And you know, it feels like I’m being productive. It feels like I’m starting my day on a good foot even if all I’m doing is bitching about being up early or rambling about my family. I haven’t been counting the words, so I don’t know what kind of words I’m getting from them, as I’ve mentioned. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about that but I actually feel pretty okay about it.
I’d kind of like to create a morning routine. I’ve struggled in the past with mornings but it would be nice if I had a good morning before I got to work. Because I never know what my day is going to bring so if I could create a good morning for myself, maybe I’d feel like I had a little more control over my life and maybe then I’d be less anxious. Maybe not, but it would still be nice to feel like I had a good morning before the work begins. I don’t know what I want that routine to look like other than that it would include the morning pages. I guess that’s a good question and one that I’ll have to think about, but I think it’s a good goal.
I think ideally it would involve a few minutes meditating too, though I’d have to be carefully not to fall asleep which would be really easy that early. Maybe Yoga would be a better option. That’s meditative but with movement. I don’t think it would involve breakfast just because I’m not usually hungry that early. So what would that look like? 15 - 20 minutes of gentle yoga or meditation, 30 minutes of morning pages and then get ready and head off to work? If I get that down, I can think about adding other things. I really hope I take better care of myself this fall than I did last fall. I was seriously lacking in the self care department until I was a mess.
I went on a shopping spree today. It was wonderful. I have this feeling in my gut that I’m going to need more business casual clothes soon. I don’t know why I feel that way. I haven’t heard any indication that we won’t be allowed to wear jeans on a regular basis, but I guess we’ll have to see. Either way, I made sure to get some new nice things. I’m going to have to throw out some of my older shirts because they’re starting to get holes in them or just generally wear out. Some of them I’ve had since I worked at the library in 2010 - 2011 so I really can’t be upset about it. Seven years is a long time to last for a shit that I like and wear often.
When I was shopping for shirts today - I had ordered some bottoms a couple of weeks ago - I saw all these lovely fall sweaters and cozy shirts on sale and I sighed. I wish that I could wear that stuff. We barely have any kind of winter here (like 2 weeks of snow, 3 - 4 of 40 - 50 degree F) and the rest of the time it’s warm to Satan’s … you get the picture) and because I’m so warm natured, I can’t wear those kinds of things inside with the heat on because I roast. My “winter wardrobe” is pants instead of shorts and capris and a coat over my summer shirts.
Anyway, I’m excited for my new things and it slightly cheers me up about going back to work next week.
I hit the resistance again today. After having not felt it for a few days, it was annoying to have it back. That’s okay though. I know that these types of things are common. I’m glad to have had some days without the resistance. I’ve read a little more of the book “The Artist’s Way” and I really do want to try her program. At the same time I feel incredibly overwhelmed about the upcoming things I have going on in my life. The next two weeks only involve a couple of weekend trips and a few appointments, but then it’s back to work during the busy season. Fall is always crazy in a way that Spring just never is. We’ll have the week in Atlanta for our sales kick off and then a couple of weeks later I’ll be taking off for DragonCon, plus there will be a visit from J who is coming in from California right before DragonCon. Then September and October tend to be my busiest work months. November is crazy. Honestly between the second week in August and the second week in December, I rarely have time to take a breath. And yes, I realize that there is never a “good time” to start a 12 week program but I think some times are just seriously worse than others. And fall is definitely the worst and busiest part of my year, bar none. At least while I’m working for Scholastic.
At the same time, I have a story to try to write, re-write, edit, and mail by July 25th. And if I’m blocked, I’m screwed. I really wanted to have the first draft written by Wednesday and I have no idea if that is going to happen. If I could get the first draft done by Wednesday, I know I could mail it by the following Tuesday (the 25th) or Wednesday at the latest and I feel like that’s enough time for it to make it to Atlanta by the 1st of August (the following Tuesday). Granted, I supposed I always have the option to just cancel the workshop. It’s just that I know I’d be canceling out of fear. The fear is what has me blocked anyway. It’s hard to be creative when you’re just so damned afraid. The “I have to write something good!” is so hateful to my creative brain and I know I’m not being fair to myself. At the same time, I don’t know how to stop. This lady says she knows how to help. That she can teach that part. I don’t know if she can tell me how to be a better storyteller, I think that’s something I have to learn other places and practice. But she says she does have a system for becoming consistently creative without all the blocked nonsense all the time. She calls it a recovery program, like AA or something. And I think I believe her.
And that’s the thing right? Like, what if she’s right? What if she doesn’t know exactly how to loosen up the strangle hold the inner critic has on my creative self? If that’s the case, how can I possibly justify putting it off?
Not to mention, as frustrating as my job can be and as busy as it can be, I only spend 40 hours there a week. I don’t take my job home with me, ever, and even if I stay until we close at 5pm every day of the week, that still puts me home in the evening with plenty of time to do creative work. And if there’s anything I’ve learned from the last 8 months or so, it’s that I absolutely cannot give up my creative pursuits because to give them up would be to give up on my mental health and that is something I know I cannot do.
She forewarns that it can be a difficult, emotionally exhausting journey, one that I’ll likely want to quit. Which means the other thing standing in my way is fear. Fear of what I’ll find and what I’ll feel and what I’ll have to face. Those aren’t things I can take lightly. I know everyone has a shitstorm of issues inside them - maybe some more than others but still I doubt anyone has been untouched by some sort of trauma at some point. I think we all build up walls of lies in some form or fashion so that we don’t have to face the things we don’t like about ourselves. It’s probably pretty normal to fear that too.
I fear I’ll be too tired from work to be able to handle whatever crises this thing makes me face. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to face what I need to face. I’m afraid I’ll quit.
I mean, I can’t fail if I don’t try, right? Which is, of course, exactly the attitude I’ve been hiding behind for years that I promised myself I wouldn’t let win (at least not on a regular basis anyway) earlier this year.
On top of all this, I go back to work in like two weeks and I’m dreading it. Part of me looks forward to seeing Emily at work all the time and I certainly don’t want to stay on unemployment no matter how much I wish I could retire already. The last few weeks have positively flown by and I know the next two weeks will be gone even faster. I’m trying to savor them, of course but they’ll still go by quickly. I keep hoping that by the end of these next two weeks, when I’m thinking, “Yup, back to work tomorrow,” that I’ll be sort of ready for it. Maybe not bored with being off exactly, I don’t think that’s possible, but ready. Maybe if Fall and Spring were reversed and spring was the busier season and fall was quiet and I could “ease” into going back to work, that would be more likely. And granted, it’s not impossible. It’s a six week break and that’s no small break. It’s really, really not. I mean, how many people get that kind of time off? Teachers, of course, get a bit more than that, but they take their jobs home with them every day. I’d bet those kids are always on their minds. Not to mention all the other crap they put up with, like parents and the government making dumb laws about standardized tests. Granted, I have to put up with a lot of Parent-Teacher-Associations/
Sigh, I’m on a tangent. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do. I don’t want to start something I’m not committed to doing but I don’t want to not commit to something because I’m being a scared little wuss. I could probably debate this all night. Go round and round with myself about it but I’m not sure that it would help. I think I’ll go try a prompt and then maybe read for a bit. I’ve got a dentist appointment tomorrow so I’ll have to be in bed at an almost reasonable hour tonight.
So last night I said I was either going to go write some more or go to sleep. I got into bed and I think I had every intention of going to sleep but then somehow I put on my book that I had been listening to earlier in the day, maybe I just thought I’d listen to one more funny bit - I can’t rightly remember where my mind was - and then I ended up listening to it and playing games on my phone until I’d finished somewhere around 6 am. And then I got up around 9:45 am to go for a walk. I know, madness. Absolutely craziness. I really want to watch the new episode of Wynonna Earp that aired tonight and stay up and tweet about it and I want to write more after that but I think I probably won’t. I’ve got a bit of a headache and I need more than anything else in the world right now, besides breathing I guess, to get this mascara off my face. I don’t know what I was thinking putting on mascara. I mean it looks pretty but I fucking hate mascara. Anyway, if I’m incoherent tomorrow, y’all will know why.
I’ve done a little writing today and managed to do two job applications. I also took a walk this morning “with” my friend Emily (we talked on the phone while we walked around our perspective neighborhoods) which was really fun actually. At work we often take walks in the morning on our break. She and I spend a good bit more time at work being sociable than we should be maybe. But seriously, not seeing each other for more than a couple of days at a time is sort of weird. I mean I know I worked last summer and she didn’t but that seems like … well several years ago if I’m honest. Last summer seems as far away from me as working for iTunes four years ago. Isn’t it strange the way time passes? I can’t believe how quickly this past year went by for the most part. I felt like I blinked and it was gone and at the same time, the last few months feel like they were years ago. Maybe it’s something about having this summer off that makes everything else feel so strange. Being off right now, it almost feels like this was always my life and I just had a weird dream about working the last year.
Time is so strange. The last few days have gone by quickly too but in a different way, I think. I thought I might try to make a schedule for myself, but I tend to not follow schedules even when I’m the one that makes them so I don’t figure I’ll bother, at least not at the moment. So far I’ve done a good job at staying productive - even if I’m behind on some of my homework. I did make it to the “office hour” today too which made me happy. They’re having an extra one this week on Friday but in the evening so I don’t think I’ll be able to attend that one. If they still have the one Saturday morning, I might make it up in time for that. Emily and I are going to a performance by one of our other co-workers choir group on Friday evening and then of course there’s Wynonna Earp and any squee-ing that might involve. Last Friday I was so exhausted I barely made it through the episode before I was unconscious.
Speaking of Fridays, I think Killjoys is back next week which is lovely. I sure do enjoy Killjoys too. And what a lineup! I think Dutch would love Wynonna.
I digress. Not that this really had a point except for that I think I find it a little easier to write my fiction after I’ve rambled for a bit about my real life.
I’ve got another busy day lined up tomorrow and hopefully that means I’ll be working on my assignments. Wish me luck y’all.