float_on_alright: clint doesn't want spoilers (clint doesn't like spoilers)
I’m doing that thing I do where I do nothing but rewatch fave bits of TV shows and listen to books I’ve already read. I did read a couple of new books this week, but they were books I was relatively certain I’d enjoy. Granted, I don’t read anything that I think won’t have a happy ending or at least a mostly happy ending. I don’t mind a series every now and then, but I do really prefer to each book to have a decent ending. I prefer series that follow a group of people so that each book can focus on new people. I don’t read much that isn't romance. Actually, I’m not sure that I read anything that doesn’t have some sort of romance in it somewhere. I mean except a few picture books and there might be a few middle grade books that didn’t have some sort of crush situation going on in them. Not that middle grade books have a romance per se, but there are sometimes little cute crush things happening. 

Right now I’m watching Grimm. Season five, of course. The other night I watched about three episodes of season five so I just picked up there tonight. I love Nick and Adalind, as I mentioned a million times. Of course I also have such a crush on Trubel. She has a sexy voice, like oh my GOD it kills me when she speaks. She has this sort of, I don’t know, like smoky, rasp quality to her voice that just gets to me. She's in the episode I’m watching which is nice. I don’t think she showed up until season 3 and she isn’t in all the episodes of any season, I don’t think. I remember the first time they sent her on her way, I was super disappointed and I thought they might not bring her back. I have to say I was really, really glad when they did. Not just ‘cause I have a crush on her though. Her character is wonderful and badass and after everything she still has such a big fucking heart. And the sort of parent/child relationship that happens with Nick and Trubel is one of my favorite things. 

It’s still surprising to me that Adalind and Nick ended up getting together. I mean, it’s been ages since the finale and I’m still surprised and thrilled about it. There is a part of me who wants to go back to the beginning of everything and watch from the start, but there is so much I want to watch and all the shows will be starting back up here in a minute which I’m sure will start eating my show time. I’m curious what I’m going to be watching with mom. So many shows have great gay characters now and it’s AMAZING but mom will bitch about it and talk about how it’s the Devil’s work and blah, blah, blah and I hate listening to it. Which means I usually try to watch those without her so I can actually enjoy the characters in peace. 

There really aren’t any canon gay characters on Grimm that I can remember which is odd for me. Granted I love Leverage too and there aren’t any canon gay characters there either. Both shows I picked up before I got into this “But is it gay?” Attitude I’ve developed in the last couple of years so maybe that makes a difference too. People recommend me things and I literally just ask “but is it gay?” Granted, the whole thing doesn’t necessarily have to be gay centric but if there isn’t at least one well-developed gay character alive and well involved, I’m probably not going to pick it up. And if they kill a gay, I’m pretty much out. I don’t care if there is still one gay on the show, the percentage of dead gay characters is just too high. 

I get recommendations for books and sometimes it’s hard from the cover to tell if it’s gay or not. And some of them might have queer side characters but I can only ready so many books because I only have so much time to read and if I can’t tell there are queer characters in the story from the description and you aren’t already one of my favorite authors I'm probably not going to read it. I buy every gay book I can possibly afford. I’ll probably never read all of them but I’d like to contribute towards as many authors writing queer stories as I can possibly manage. I feel like the more I can support authors writing queer stories, the better. Things don’t get made if there isn’t profitability in them. It’s a sad truth of almost all things -- if not all things. When you see research on medical stuff it’s almost always for “treatments” not “cures” because there is more money in the long term treatment than an outright cure. So if I can help get more queer lit made and more gay shows on TV I’m going to do it. 

Well, that was a ramble. 

It’s funny to me, though, how insist I am about having gay storylines. I guess because I’m bi or pan or whatever that I think it shouldn’t matter to me what kind of stories get told. And there are still a few authors who write predominately about heterosexual relationships that I still like. I still love Shelly Laurenston and Molly Harper, though I’m hoping they’ll add more queer characters of course. I was thrilled that Nalini Singh has a couple of gay characters in her latest book and I am desperate to see more of them. I’m curious if she’ll give them their own book, a short story, or build them over other characters’ books similarly to the way they were set up in Silver Silence. I’d love to see them get their own book, but I don’t think that will be what happens. I expect they’ll develop in the background of other characters’ stories and I’m okay with that because they’re there and they’re wonderful. It would be amazing though if they could get a novella. I would LOVE THAT. 

But I still feel like, as someone who is Cisfemale and is attracted to men (even I’m not attracted to ‘just’ men), that I would be just as good with het romance novel as LGBTQIA romance novel, but on a whole? I’m not. My TV/movie ships are a mix, though I think I probably have more queer ones than het ones, but when it comes to the romance novels I heavily, heavily prefer LGBT+ stories. And I’m pretty in the middle as far as my interest in real people go. My current celebrity crushes (I don’t have any real life crushes at the moment) are like three dudes, two girls, and one non-binary person. I guess it is what it is, and it doesn’t really matter, but I just find it curious. 

Being bi/pan is weird. There’s such a pervasive “you need to pick” attitude in society. I mean, my family is “you are straight or we will get you spiritual help” types, but outside of the “you have to be straight” culture is the “you need to pick” culture. I think so much of the gay/trans arguments against the persistent straight culture is that gay people are born that way and they can’t choose to be interested in a person of another gender. When someone is bi, I think it makes them feel like maybe their argument is being invalidated or something. 

The thing is, that’s not true. 

Some people do start with “bi” and work towards “gay.” I think especially for women it can be hard to figure out that you really aren't interested in men because society makes it almost impossible to see any other options. Some women think their interest in men is real because of all the crap media forces down their throats. When they realize they’re attracted to women, they think they must be bi or pan or something like that until they get through enough of the BS of the media to see that they aren’t, in fact, interested in men at all. Stuff like that definitely happens and it’s perfectly valid to go through that process. 

I can’t count how many times I’ve thought “maybe I’m really straight” because I’ve just seen some handsome dude and wanted very much to climb him like a tree. Then I’ll see an attractive woman and it’s like, “nope, definitely not straight; nowhere near the vicinity of straight, not even on the same planet as straight.” The opposite happens A TON. I’ll think, “maybe I’m really just gay” and I’ve been brainwashed by society to think I’m attracted to men. And then I see a guy so hot, I can’t breathe. I hate how often I have that question. I hate how often I doubt myself even though I’ve been interested in just about everyone since I played “doctor” with the boy across the street and “house” with the girl next door as an eight year old. I hope that one day I won’t question myself on this any more. That I won’t feel crazy and like I’m straddling some invisible line or balancing on a fence trying to figure out which grass is greener when it’s really all the same damn grass… or at least equally appealing grass… or something. 

I need to go to bed. 

float_on_alright: procrastination is hard work (procrastination is hard work)


Maybe I should rename my blog "Ramblings of a Night Owl" or something like that because I swear that's all that's on here. Me rambling. That's okay, I guess. I don't need it to be anything else. I created this mostly for fun though also with the intent of posting fan fiction. I haven't written much fanfic recently. I finished writing a Wynonna Earp fic before the new season started and I finished a Mark/Vex story that should probably never see the light of day, but that I had fun writing. I also wrote a bit of a "not-fic" for Stiles and Derek after watching an episode of American Ninja Warrior, but I'm not sure I count that really, and I think I only put it on Tumblr anyway.

I've put on Grimm while I write this. An episode from season five I think. I would watch Midnight Texas episodes again, but I'm still waiting for them to finish downloading on my computer. I have a bit of a backlog. I buy things on my Apple TV, and then six months later I open iTunes on my computer and deal with the onslaught of available downloads. I think I downloaded all the Wynonna Earp episodes already but I know I still have a bunch of Shadowhunters episodes to download before I get to the Midnight Texas episodes. Since I was talking about my ships last night, I started thinking about Nick and Adalind which made me want to watch them again. I've gone back to the episode where Adalind is about to have the baby because, why not? Plus, that's where things start to change for them. Once she has the baby and he decides he wants to be in his kid's life, they start being partners, then friends, and then more.

I worried a lot about whether or not they would eventually get him back with Juliet. One of the episodes that got me the most concerned -- at least in advance -- is the one where the Cupid guy starts effing with the group, and suddenly everyone is in love with the wrong person. I think it was a Valentine's Day episode, but I think Juliet was spelled into being in love with Nick again or something. I can't remember exactly, but I feel like they had a kiss in it and I was anxious.

Towards the end when Juliet started to get her humanity back, where she stopped being so robotic I was sure that they were going to put her and Nick back together. There's an episode or two with them running around together in the alternate universe, and the previews seemed like the two of them might be bonding. And I think they did, but not in the way I was worried might happen.

So here I am, it's almost 11:30 and I really need to go to bed, and I've spent all this time thinking about my ships and not processing the fact that tomorrow is my second to last day at Scholastic and that I only have 16 hours of work there left.

I mean, I'm starting at a library, and I can't begin to imagine what my life is about to be like.  I'm going to make new friends and have new experiences and try to learn new things and try to face new challenges and projects, and I'm terrified and overwhelmed, and I wish I could take time off before I start the other job, more than just a weekend but I really can't.

I'm excited and scared and hopeful and worried and sad and happy. It's been a tangle of emotion I haven't been able to sort out the tangle of emotions. I guess I just have to keep trying.

Happy Kate

Sep. 19th, 2017 10:21 pm
float_on_alright: hardison what did i say (hardison what did i say)
I have three days left at Scholastic. I’m trying to get a podcast done before Friday which should be interesting. I was going to do it tonight, but I decided not to instead, lol. I got into the book I was listening to, but also I just didn’t wanna tonight. I just didn’t want to do anything if I’m honest. I should probably be in bed already but instead, I’m rewatching bits of Midnight Texas because I’m obsessed and I want to live in the world where my ship is canon. Because I have so few straight ‘ships, I rarely get to enjoy this. Or at least it feels that way. Granted, even a few of my straight ships didn’t happen. In the Avengers movie universe I was hoping that Clint Barton would end up with Darcy, even though they literally never meet in canon. I don’t even remember how that started for me, but there you go. And then I thought, if not Darcy then he should definitely be with Natasha. But no, they didn’t do that either. 

Actually, that still annoys me. If they weren’t going to hook him up with Bobbi Morse or Natasha Romanoff like he does in the comic books for a while then he should've been a sketchy, broke bachelor in a crappy ass apartment in … Queens or the Bronx or whatever borough that man is living in during Matt Fraction's series. This whole thing with him in a farmhouse and fifteen children, just does not ring true for me. I don’t know what it is about that scenario but I just cannot buy it. It’s not that I don’t like the actress who plays his wife. I do like her, she’s great. And her character is great! At least what little we know of her. Supporting him and believing in him and trusting him through all the crazy, stupid, avengers crap. I’d really like to know how she handled the brainwashing thing from the first go round, because I think she would’ve handled it like a boss. But the direction they took with his private life still pisses me off. 

I did get Grimm, which I’m pretty thankful about it and I mean, Wayhaught GIVES ME LIFE. Honestly, I could probably live for centuries on the power of Nicole Haught and Waverly Earp’s incredible love for each other. And of course my original OTP was Ron and Hermione. Do they have a ship name? I never thought about it. I didn’t really get into Harry Potter fanfiction for all that I believe the Harry Potter series is one of the best things ever to exist. 

I’m not sure what point I had in writing all this tonight. I think I just needed to brain vomit for a bit. 

The book I’m reading is really good, and really interesting and you know I love a good gay romance. 

And now I really do need to go to bed but instead I’m watching bits of the last episode of Grimm because I mentioned how much I love Nick and Adalind. I wonder if I’m in the majority there or in the minority on that. Those two started as enemies and Adalind has done some pretty shitty things, but even when she was a villian I loved her. I realize that my love of Adalind is something I have rambled about previously but it seems relevant. 

Some of my other ‘ships include Root and Shaw who were in love with each other in canon but of course one of them died which means I pretty much refuse to count them. If one of them ends up dead, then they’re not canon any more and I can’t live in the happy place of a canon couple. Sorry, not sorry. 

I was well invested in Mary and Marshall in “In Plain Sight” and I’m still pissed about them not working out -- another thing I have bitched about in the past. 

Steve and Danny on Hawaii 5-0 were my very first fanfic ship and if there are any shows that write characters like they’re in a long term relationship better than the writers who write that show, I haven’t seen it. I’ve seen a shit ton of canon couples who don’t get written that well. I’ve mostly made peace with the fact that they’ll never get together in the show. 

The ship I’ve shipped the longest and possibly the hardest is Sterek, probably. Wayhaught is a close second but because they get to play out on the show I don’t obsess about the fanfic as much. 

You know what, Emily Andreas continues to be my hero because she gave me Bo and Lauren and Mark and Vex. I’m still upset that Hale died, but at least I know that Kenzi will join him in the afterlife per the almost wedding in season… four I think? God Bless Emily Andreas. 

Gosh, it’s really nice to have canon ships. It just really, really is. It was so rare for years, and now I have a few. Some of them are even queer! I have Hollstien, Wayhaught, Mark x Vex, Chuy and Joe, Camille and Amanda, Magnus and Alec, Maggie and Alex. I think I’m even forgetting some! I’m desperately holding my breath for Alex and Magnus shit in Ship of the Dead. Like I am jumping out of my skin for that next book. 

I really am rambling a lot, aren't I? It must be bedtime. 

float_on_alright: live a f y life (live life af)
The last couple of weeks have been SO FREAKING CRAZY. First, I got the library job!! I’m so excited and terrified etc. etc. etc. I still have to pass my background check and I am a little concerned that my credit check might be an issue. I mean my credit is okay but I’ve got debt and a lot of it is not very responsible. Not that it’s been a problem in the past it’s just that this is the most intense background check I’ve ever had done--including when I worked as a group leader at the after school “care” program where I looked after children. I mean I get it to an extent. This is definitely the type of job where I’ll be around teens and kids and families and the general public of course. 

In the midst of figuring out the new job situation, I had DragonCon. Which was amazing. So amazing. I loved it. It was stressful occasionally being pushed in with so many people. They had record attendance this year and there were over 80,000 people crammed into like a four block area. It might be a little more than that, but honestly not much. The hotels are giant of course which helps but you're still talking about a lot of people. It’s a great time though overall and even though you're crammed into a room with 10,000 (okay, it’s more like 4,500 that fit in that room) other people to see Alex Kingston and Karen Gillan after waiting in a line that wrapped around a building or two you still feel pretty safe. I do occasionally worry what would happen if there was a fire. 

I’m an anxious person in general and the thought of trying to get that many people out of a room in the event of an emergency is pretty terrifying. But they are strict about room capacities and not letting more people in than allowed by codes etc. which does help. Still, on Saturday when I couldn’t move more than two inches at a time on the bottom floor of the Hyatt Regency… Or was it the Marriott? No I think it was the Hyatt...It definitely wasn’t the Sheraton, the Westin, or the Hilton... while I was trying to find where the line was going to be to see the Wynonna Earp panel, I did envision a horrible, fiery death after getting trampled by a stampede of nerds. 

Thankfully that didn't happen. 

The panels were amazing. I had so much fun. 

It’s weird how the panels make you feel like you’re getting personal time with the celebs. I mean you can go to the “Walk of Fame” and get actual personal time with the celebs of course, but you still somehow feel a personal connection to them when they’re answering questions from audience members for an hour in front of a sea of people. 

Michael Rosenbaum actually did jump out into the audience and get very up close and personal with quite a few members of the crowd which was great fun. He is a great storyteller. Just so freaking funny. A couple of my friends go see him whenever they can though I did hear some of my other friends say he can be an ass. I don’t know anything other than that I’ve enjoyed a good bit of the stuff he’s done (he’s my fave Lex Luthor, judge me if you want) and that he was wonderful to his fans at the panel and a great storyteller. His was one of my favorite panels. 

I’m still not over the Wynonna Earp panels. I went to two. I wanted to try to go to all four but I had to choose between seeing the third one and getting to see my friends plus the Michael Rosenbaum panel and one of the panels John Cusack did and since I love both those guys and my friends and I had already seen two Wynonna Earp panels, I made the choice to see the other stuff. I don’t regret the decision. I think I made the best choice I could, given the circumstances, and I’m really glad I got to spend a few hours with my friends. I still wish I could’ve made it to all four. The fourth was on while I was having lunch but I wasn’t going to miss lunch with Reb and Molls. I was jealous of my friend Casey who when to see the cast on the walk of fame while I was at lunch. She got to chat with Emily Andras about the writing and got a hug from Tim Rozon and Shamier Anderson and then meet Kat Barrell.

I still got to meet two authors I really like. One writes my favorite Sterek fics and wrote one of my all time favorite books. I’ve pre-ordered the next in her series and she says she’s sending signed copies for people who pre-ordered so I’m super excited to get that. Her official author name is C.B. Lee and I loooooooovvveee “Not Your Sidekick.” I’m anxiously awaiting “Not Your Villian” which comes out in mid-October. There is so much amazingness coming in the next few month or so. 

I’m going to a concert this weekend with my friend Casey which means my fourth trip to Atlanta since the last weekend in July. It’s like I go down there every other week now, lol. And if I’m not working, I hope to go down there for their Pride in October. I’ll be working rotating weekends at the library and I think that means working Sunday having a couple of days off during the week and then working Saturday and being off the Sunday after. Which means that you would always have at least one weekend day off each weekend make make it so that you only had the whole weekend off every three weeks if I’ve thought about this correctly. I’m not sure I’m thinking about that correctly. But looking at a calendar, it might actually work out. I’d have to make up another reason to go down there but I’m sure I could think of something. 

Besides, I’ve always wanted to go to a Pride event but I can’t risk going in my own town right now unless my family is at the beach or something. Even that would be risky but I’m not known for going out on the weekends unless it’s for a special occasion or I’m with people. 

One of the other great things I have coming up is my friend visiting from California!! I can’t wait to see her! Even more tricky is that another friend is visiting that same weekend from Minnesota. They’re really not similar and I don’t think California friend would like Minnesota friend. Minnesota friend is what I would call an acquired taste. She can come off condescending and a little rude. She's really wonderful and smart and she loves her friends fiercely but it takes a while to peel back the other shit to see it. My California friend on the other hand is funny and quirky and while she’s smart, she’s not the grad school for a environmental health science grad school kind of smart. And she’s a bit into the occult and the other friend is agnostic and thinks almost anything spiritual or religious is bullshit. 

They have a lot in common in some ways. They both grew up without siblings around (one because their youngest sibling was more than a decade older and one because she was an only child). They both have issues with Christian religion stuff. They’re both friends with me so that’s something right? But I just don’t see them mixing well? I don’t know. Sometimes I just don’t think some of my friends will get others. I don’t know how I ended up with friends who are so different from each other even though I’m fiercely connected to each of them. I guess that’s probably something that happens to everyone? I’ve just never really noticed it, probably. 

There is so much more I want to talk about but it’s 3am and I have a big day tomorrow and lots of adventuring to do. Not to mention that I really need to tidy my room and clean the bathroom. 

float_on_alright: artie researching (research is not for wussies)
I have my interview in the morning and I've spent the evening trying to get ready for it. I'm nervous a little bit but I'm also super, super excited. I don't know how my presentation will go over but I actually had a lot of fun putting it together. I'm just mad I ran out of magenta ink and I couldn't print all of the posters etc. I'd mocked up for the "event." That's okay though. I've got a sample in the "slides" I printed. I've ordered replacement ink so I am thinking when I send my thank you note that I might attach something cute. Or something. I don't know. I'll get to that later. I'm counting the words I have on my slide towards my word count for the month. I spent time and did a tiny bit of research (there may or may not be a works cited slide at the end of my presentation... okay there is, but it's a library for goodness sake. Anyway, the interview is at 8:30 am tomorrow so I need to get to bed so I can shower in the morning. I did pick out my clothes so I won't have to go through that in the morning at least. Wish me luck everyone!!

float_on_alright: I have no idea what i'm doing out of bed (no idea what i'm doing out of bed)
I’m still so effing tired y’all; worn slam out I am. I did a good bit today. Got my returns to Zulily worked out and off to FedEx. Did a few morning pages. Spent an hour and a half with the branch manager of my local library to help me prep for my interview at the library in Charlotte. I was hoping she’d have five or ten minutes for me, but seriously she spent ages with me which was super, super kind. I definitely want to send her a thank you note or something. 

I wish my handwriting was better but it’s unfortunately terrible. I can probably put something reasonable together though if I try really, really hard. My friend Emily has incredible handwriting and I’m always so, so jealous. 

Anyway, moving on. What else did I do today? Well, I did some tidying up around my room though I still have a bit more to do. I helped mom kill a black widow spider that was in our mailbox. I sent off the tire warranty thing I’d been meaning to send off for about three months (it was low priority). I activated my refund cards from the medical peoples. I got my old Kindle set up and charged so that I can use it as my official writing reference book. I was thinking how most of the time I get paperback copies of my writing reference books because I want to be able to highlight and study etc. But I can make notes and highlight on a Kindle. But I didn’t want to use the kindle I normally use for reading because I felt like I’d have trouble swimming through my other 3,000 books and documents and that would also be distracting. The Kindle editions are often much cheaper so now that I have a dedicated Kindle to keep at my writing desk, I won’t feel like I have to have the paperback in most cases. I’m sure there will still be exceptions. 

I feel like there were other, little tasks I did today but that I’m forgetting them. I did give the dog her heart worm medicine and put the tick and flea repellent on her. She was such a good girl. I need to clean her ears again, but she always hides from me for hours, sometimes a whole day, after I do that to her and she hates it so much. I really hate doing it to her but she’s been shaking her head and scratching her ears a lot lately so I know they’re bothering her. I did a wash Thursday and they seemed to be a lot better today (... yesterday? Friday, whatever that is now) which is good but when I did the wash her ears looked red and aggravated and I doubt one wash is enough. At the same time the wash is only meant to be used a couple of times a week so I don’t want to do back to back days either, just in case. I don’t do it on the regular even though I really, really should. She hates it so much that I get to feeling really bad about it. Not to mention that it’s a monster of a task to do, even if you have two people. She’s a pretty big dog and she fights. Well, she fights to get away; she never barks or growls or snaps or bites or anything like that. 

Wynonna Earp was bat shit crazy tonight. I think next week is going to be crazy face. I wish I didn’t have to get through a whole work week in order to get to the next episode, but dems dah breaks. 

I really need to sleep. I have breakfast with my sister in the morning. 

float_on_alright: kate bishop with her head on a desk in exasperation (asdf)
I’m exhausted. We had our big “zone” meeting this week. This year they did it in Atlanta which turned out to be pretty nice. I think this week’s was the best food so far when it comes to these meetings. This is my fifth one (I’ve been at the company four years but I went to the first one a week into my first year so) and while it was full of a lot of bullshit there were also a lot of great fun moments. I mostly managed to write my morning pages though sometimes they took have the day. It’s just hard when you’re sharing a room with someone to manage that. You’re sharing all the space. And the light. And if you set an alarm it wakes them up too. And just, yeah, then they’re there and if they’re up they often like to talk about the upcoming day. One morning I was just too hungover to manage it. It was all I could do to listen through the speech that morning and DEAR GOD IT WAS THE WORST SPEECH I HAVE EVER HAD TO SIT THROUGH but i had to sit down for a minute after every action until about 10am. Once I got to 10, I was able to mostly get back on track. It still took all day to write those three pages. But whatever, I wrote them. 

I also didn’t read for four days and that is the end of my reading deprivation. I’ll make it through today but I’m going back to reading tomorrow. I have never, in my life, gone this long without reading. Even before I could read, I read more than this or was read to and that counts if listening to audiobooks counts and it does. Anyway, yeah, done with the deprivation thing. Super, duper over it. I get, really, really, really get why it’s assigned and It’s been an interesting exercise and it did make me figure out something else to do when my “default” wasn’t available to me--which is good. I needed to push myself a little. And this week was a good week for that because there was a ton going on. But where I often would’ve retreated to a book to give myself a break from the onslaught of people and input, I forced myself to stay present and participate and talk to people or just sit quietly and let the noise wash over me. I do think it was good for me to take a few days away. And I think I should probably keep something of this lesson with me for the future. Remember to people watch more often, indulge in music regularly, and to sit with my emotions without hiding from them when they well up. 

I will commit to the writing again though. I’m supposed to be writing or editing or participating in workshops or other supportive creative endeavors for at least an hour a day. Well, starting tomorrow. I’m exhausted tonight after the shenanigans from this week. I need to go get my laundry out of the wash and clean off my bed and then I’ll probably head to bed. I’m just worn out and so ready to sleep alone and in my own bed again. 

I'm supposed to do an artist’s date every week, but I don’t know what to do for myself this week. Honestly, I’m really just too tired to think about anything at all so I probably shouldn’t be trying to tackle this problem now, but I only have tomorrow and Saturday left. Tomorrow all I really want to do is sleep and read and neither of those things really counts as an artist’s date. I should probably leave this as a problem for tomorrow but sometimes when I’m this tired I can’t let a problem go. It’s like my brain doesn’t know how to shut down any more and it gets fixated on problems that it “needs to solve” even though I’ll be able to do a much better job at coming up with ideas and figuring out a plan for them once I’ve rested. It’s aggravating that sometimes I’m too tired to logic myself into going to bed when that’s what's needed to set me to rights so that I can start thinking again. I’m talking in circles. Or something. Dammit. 

Sleepy Kate

Aug. 3rd, 2017 11:33 pm
float_on_alright: officer haught (officer haught)
I wrote a story that I was kind of proud of last night and it was just a little short thing, but I ended up winning a little mini competition on the Writing.com website. I think there were only a couple of entries, but it was still kind of amazing. And it got a 4 and a half star review by another, random user! So that was exciting too. I need to get on track with writing my Hallmark-Christmas-Movie Style story but I’ve been dragging my feet on writing for the last week or so. That’s probably why last night’s story felt so damn good to write. I’d written a few bits of things but they aren’t crystallizing for me yet. I’ll keep plugging on them. I think working on the prompts is good for me. I’m working my way through the book, prompt by prompt and making myself work with prompts even if I don’t initially get “inspired.” I think it’s helping. I think the morning pages are good for me too. Making myself get up early enough before work to do them is not easy for me because I’m not naturally an early riser and I have a propensity for staying up for far too long at night making it even more difficult to do mornings. 

It feels good to be something like creative in the morning, to dump on the page anything dumb. It feels good and I don’t re-read it. Sometimes I remember some of what I said, but it’s mostly nonsense and whining. Still, it somehow feels like one of the first things I do in the morning is be creative and productive. It also feels like self-care, kinda? Like the first thing I’m doing is something that’s good for my mental well-being and my creative goals. It’s still hard to get up, haha, and I have to set a timer on my watch to help me stay focused on the writing and not drift off into la la land which is pretty easy to do. It’s something I should use if I shower in the morning because I often sort of drift off in the shower and I don’t know if I actually fall asleep but it kind of feels like it. 

I am so looking forward to Saturday. I’m going to sleep in and I’m going to have a bubble bath and it’s going to be lovely. 

I'm taking a break from the one writing workshop. I’d like to go back to it eventually because I did find it helpful, but right now I don’t need to be spending $25 a month on something I’m not using every week and I’m going to need a few weeks to get some stories together. Plus, look I know that’s not a lot of money but I’d rather put it towards the DragonCon adventure. Especially since it’ll take us three weeks to get our first paycheck now that we’re back at work and I’ll have bills due during DragonCon. I shut off a couple of other monthly subscriptions - Medium and some Microsoft something. I’m going to do some budgeting things too. I’ve made up budgets in the past but they haven’t been very… well let’s just say I have no clue what I’m doing. Dad got me something to help me though I just need to start using it. 

I also have a couple of jobs to apply for that I would LOVE TO HAVE so I need to fix my resume and get the applications in. One is due the 5th - why a Saturday, I cannot say - and the other is due the 15th. I’ve got my work cut out for me. I’m trying to think of a way to reward myself or ease the pain of redoing my resume to help my motivation. I’m sure I’ll figure something out. 

I’m going to call it a night here in minute. 

float_on_alright: That's not the right wine (not the right wine)
I go back to work tomorrow and I’m feeling like the things I really want to do are write, read, and sleep and it’s like the joke about college where you have good grades, decent a social life, and regular sleep and you can only pick two. If I take the time to read and write, I won’t get a lot of sleep. If I get decent sleep I’m going to have to limit my reading and writing time. The audiobook thing helps a little because I know I’ll be able to listen in the car and with work starting back I’ll be spending plenty of time in the car. I just don’t want all my reading time to be relegated to listening in the car in the work week either. I hate ragging on my job. It’s a good job and one that really has a lot of perks as well as a lot of great coworkers. There are a few people I’d rather not spend time with ever again, but no matter what you do I think that’ll be an issue. Nowhere is perfect. 

These six weeks have been so amazing overall. No matter the stress I felt some days or the anxiety and panic attacks I had to deal with - those are things that would’ve been worse had I been working as well as trying to do all those other things. I’m so grateful for the time off I had. When I first found out I wasn’t going to be working this summer I’ll confess that I felt a little insulted that they didn’t have a slot for me this summer and that they chose one of the other girls to work over me but I pretty quickly got very excited about the time off. I knew it would fly by and it really has. I cannot believe how quickly it past. Time does fly when you’re doing lots of stuff and having lots of fun. I wish I could go back and start over. Just like hit the rewind button. Maybe skip back a couple of chapters. But that isn't how life works and I’ll be back at work tomorrow. 

It’s not like I don’t have a ton of good stuff to look forward to. The trip to Atlanta for SKO will be fun since Emily and I will get to room together for those few days. It’ll be like having a sleepover for a few days even if we have a shit ton of meetings to go to. Then Juleia is visiting at the end of August, a few days before I head to Atlanta again (I am spending more time in Atlanta this summer than in the last couple of years combined, I’m pretty sure) for DragonCon and the writer’s workshop. It’s going to be so fun. I was worried about where I was going to stay for DragonCon a little bit. I knew that I was good to stay with Casey for the workshop but I didn’t know if she was going to be able to (or want to) put me up for the whole thing and I haven’t talked to the girls I went with last time much at all in the last few months. I’m pretty sure they’re going but I didn't really feel like I had a place with them either. But Casey made it clear she’d totally assumed that I was staying with her for the whole thing. So no matter what now, I know I’ll be okay. It’s such a relief. I’m still nervous as fuck about the trip and the workshop and the crowds and just everything that the Con is, but I’m really excited for it too. 

That’s just in the next like five weeks! Anyway, I’m going to try to focus on the perks of my job and the things I have to look forward to instead of the anything else. I need to get back into writing my stories too but I think I’d better get some sleep. I want to finish my book but it’s already 11 and I have to be up around 6am tomorrow. *Le Sigh*

float_on_alright: dies from epic overdose (dies from epic overdose)
Part of me wanted to do some writing tonight but we’ve had such a fun day and it’s already after 1:30 in the morning and we’ve been fangirling and laughing and such pretty much all day. I have been doing my morning pages so it’s not like I’ve totally neglected my writing but I haven’t done anything fictional in a few days either. Even as I type this though, the kitten in here with me likes to attacking my hands because of the way my fingers move across the keyboard. It’s cute but he nearly dragged my iPad off the bed once already tonight and I’m not much interested in him trying again. Plus I’m tired. We spent like five hours at the pool today and I ended up with just a touch of sunburn and she ended up with more than touch -- even with the sunscreen and spending some of our time in the shade or under an umbrella. The cat just attacked my hands again and now he’s rubbing the screen with his face. I think I’m just going to read and try again tomorrow. Good night you all! 

P.S. I'm really excited for DragonCon. 

float_on_alright: don't ruin my story with your logic (keep your logic out of my stories)
I didn’t write anything fictional yesterday after having worked so hard on my Alien Story so I wanted to make sure to play with some fictional prompts today. I did two. In case anyone is curious, the book I'm getting the prompts from is "A Year of Creative Writing Prompts" which has three prompts for each day in a Leap Year. I've liked several of them so far. One of them is what eventually got me to the Alien Story I just wrote though I'd already been thinking I'd never written about aliens before... at least not other than like Thor and maybe a few other aliens from popular culture... that I can remember. Anyway. Point being, like the prompts and the structure even if I'm not using it exactly as it's set up to be used (five minute free write word in the morning and then a  full prompt each for "midday" and "dinner"). 

Anywayyyyyyy, the first one said that the shadows on the wall were talking to me and to describe the conversation. That one I wasn’t in love with because it is creepy and I have to be in the mood to do creepy I think. At the same time I probably could write a story about shadows on the walls and maybe the little bite that I wrote will eventually spin in my head to something else. I’ll definitely hang onto it for later. 

The second one was just a “five minute free write” on the word “circlet” which I expected to be difficult but turned out to be kind of fun. I wrote a little bit that I actually do want to come back to. I’ve been thinking that I want the next story I write to be a sappy Hallmark type (I wanted a number of their Christmas movies while they were doing the “Christmas in July” thing) with angst and fluff and an absurdly happy ending. I just want it to be gay. Hallmark has all the fanfic tropes except no one is ever gay. Or at least none of their main characters are. And I get it -- from a brand standard thing even if I hate it. I will give them that they have had a slightly more diverse cast as of late. It seems like they have been trying to do a little better so there’s that at least. Anyway, the thing is, I love the schmoop. I do, I can’t help it and I totally want to write queer schmoop. And this prompt could be it. Friends to lovers thing, maybe. We’ll see. I’ll post them here so I can remember to look back at them. 

There are shadows on my wall that shouldn't be there. They aren't there, they can't be there. Except they are. And they're whispering, low and hissing. I stare at the sun and it's trek across the sky hoping for a few more hours of sun but I know there's only a matter of minutes before the light sinks below the tree line. And then it will be dark and the shadows will blend and rise. They're always stronger at night. No one believes me. 

They put me on drugs but they don't help. The shadows are still there but I don't confess to hearing them any more. I don't want them to up the drug dosage again. I can't fight back when the drugs are too strong. And I must fight back. There is no weapon against a shadow that isn't there. But light helps, weakens them. Makes them fainter and quieter than usual and it's a relief on those long summer days that the light is out so long. But it's fall now and the days are shrinking and the nights are stretching and shadows are growing and they're getting louder. They're hisses are more like words now. I can almost make them out. I catch a word here and there and I try to block out the words. They want something. I can tell they want something. I can't tell yet what they want me to do but I'll know soon and I'll have to resist. It'll be so hard to resist. I've begged for more lamps but the desk light and the night light are all I'm allowed. They don't want to validate my hallucinations they say, but I know they're not hallucinations. They're not. 

The circlet sat gently on her forehead and for a moment she looked so positively royal I wanted to bow. I managed to avoid that. If I hadn't she'd have tortured me about it for weeks. My stomach swoops when she laughs. It's a beautiful sound. Like if a flower blooming made a song or you could hear the music of the smell of chocolate chip cookies, sweet and bright. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't. She was beautiful, even without the elaborate dress she'd put on for this event and that circlet, as fine and precious as it was, wasn't good enough to sit on her head. It wasn't just that she was beautiful, though I thought she was. My friends always said she was a solid "7" and I understood, sort of. They were just looking at her from the outside. She was pretty but people didn't stop in the street to stare at her... She did get the occasional wolf whistle but we lived in a small town and she had been known to kick a man in the nuts if they got too close to her. She was amazing and I wondered what she was doing hanging around with me. I wasn't anything special. I was basically a 5 on a good day with make up. Someone once suggested she hung out with me because I made her look good, but they didn't know her. And what would be the point of hanging out with me at my house, just the two of us if she was only using me to make herself look better in the eyes of others? Not to mention that she was a total dork. I say that with love and the full acknowledgment that I am also a dork. We had competitions on who was dorkier which was how I knew without a doubt that she was not friends with me just to make herself look better. No one tried to make a fool of themselves like if they were trying to make themselves look better.

float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)

I didn’t do much new writing yesterday because I was so focused on getting the alien story ready to go that I just didn’t have the energy to do anything fresh. I am doing my morning pages so there is that and I feel good about those. I woke up this morning around 730 so I’d have time to write them before I went to my Employment Services meeting at 9. And you know, it feels like I’m being productive. It feels like I’m starting my day on a good foot even if all I’m doing is bitching about being up early or rambling about my family. I haven’t been counting the words, so I don’t know what kind of words I’m getting from them, as I’ve mentioned. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about that but I actually feel pretty okay about it.

I’d kind of like to create a morning routine. I’ve struggled in the past with mornings but it would be nice if I had a good morning before I got to work. Because I never know what my day is going to bring so if I could create a good morning for myself, maybe I’d feel like I had a little more control over my life and maybe then I’d be less anxious. Maybe not, but it would still be nice to feel like I had a good morning before the work begins. I don’t know what I want that routine to look like other than that it would include the morning pages. I guess that’s a good question and one that I’ll have to think about, but I think it’s a good goal.

I think ideally it would involve a few minutes meditating too, though I’d have to be carefully not to fall asleep which would be really easy that early. Maybe Yoga would be a better option. That’s meditative but with movement. I don’t think it would involve breakfast just because I’m not usually hungry that early. So what would that look like? 15 - 20 minutes of gentle yoga or meditation, 30 minutes of morning pages and then get ready and head off to work? If I get that down, I can think about adding other things. I really hope I take better care of myself this fall than I did last fall. I was seriously lacking in the self care department until I was a mess.

I went on a shopping spree today. It was wonderful. I have this feeling in my gut that I’m going to need more business casual clothes soon. I don’t know why I feel that way. I haven’t heard any indication that we won’t be allowed to wear jeans on a regular basis, but I guess we’ll have to see. Either way, I made sure to get some new nice things. I’m going to have to throw out some of my older shirts because they’re starting to get holes in them or just generally wear out. Some of them I’ve had since I worked at the library in 2010 - 2011 so I really can’t be upset about it. Seven years is a long time to last for a shit that I like and wear often.

When I was shopping for shirts today - I had ordered some bottoms a couple of weeks ago - I saw all these lovely fall sweaters and cozy shirts on sale and I sighed. I wish that I could wear that stuff. We barely have any kind of winter here (like 2 weeks of snow, 3 - 4 of 40 - 50 degree F) and the rest of the time it’s warm to Satan’s … you get the picture) and because I’m so warm natured, I can’t wear those kinds of things inside with the heat on because I roast. My “winter wardrobe” is pants instead of shorts and capris and a coat over my summer shirts.

Anyway, I’m excited for my new things and it slightly cheers me up about going back to work next week.

float_on_alright: there's no crying in baseball (no crying in baseball)
I took a bit of a break from writing yesterday. After shoving my way through my alien story, I needed a breath. I read my ARC of “Bring the Heat” and thoroughly enjoyed it. Then I finished one of the other books from the same series (an older title that I hadn’t read yet that was more of a novella side story than anything else) called “A Tale of Two Dragons” which was super cute. It was great to have a night reading in the beach condo by myself. I mean, mom was in the bedroom but it was still good to have a couple of hours that weren’t “work hours” that I had to myself. I do so love having that. 

We’re back at the house now. It feels weird to think that we were at the beach this morning. We only got home right before 5pm but it feels like we’ve been back for days. I have a feeling that I’ll have the same kind of displacement when I go back to work next week. It’s not a bad gig and it pays so much better than everything else I’ve done my anxiety is also a total fucking bitch (sorry) about that job. I cringe every time I hear a phone ring, even if it isn’t mine. It’s totally ridiculous, I know. But I honestly hear the sound of that phone ring in my nightmares sometimes. There aren't many other jobs where I’d have this kind of time off in the summer or make money without working a billion hours a week or working with a product that I didn’t believe in (at the very least I believe in kids reading) so I don’t know that I want another job. I spent a good portion of Monday’s and Tuesday's these past few weeks looking for jobs to apply to and I can’t say there was anything that I really, really wanted to do. 

And the thing is, my anxiety is going to follow me wherever I go. I like to pretend like it’s the job so that I have something tangible to blame, but I don’t think that’s fair to my work. And my coworkers on a whole aren’t bad. Plus there’s E, who I have a tremendously good time with. If only S weren’t a barnacle, but you can’t win everything. 

I know the problem is that I really want to be writing as a job. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to write full time but to be able to do it part time and work at a library part time would be so amazing. If I’m honest, that’s what I really want for my life. 

Of course, I’m also terrified of going after that goal, but, like I said, anxiety will follow me everywhere. I have to battle it, not avoid things that make it rear up. This workshop has me tied up in knots too, even with the story completed. I’m going to work on editing tomorrow after mom and I have lunch with my sister. 

I need to start exercising again. And start tracking my food again. See if I can’t lose a few pounds. I’m not aiming to be skinny, but I’d like to aim to be a little at risk for diabetes and heart disease, etc. etc. etc. That just seems like a good idea. I hope that going back to work will help me get back into a routine. I also hope that I will have a routine that includes a healthy amount of sleep. 

float_on_alright: boys and their toys (boys and their toys)
I bought about 10 or eleven pen packs today of varying types. I wanted to do some research about my favorite pens especially since the morning pages are supposed to be handwritten. I know I could use any pen for that sort of thing, but if I’m going to do that much handwriting, I want it to be with a pen I like not just a plain BIC pen - no offense to BIC or anything. I bought a bunch of them at the Dollar Store (bomb!) and a few at the grocery store. I got a few pens that are really just for fun - like a set of scented ones (blueberry, strawberry, grape) that are blue, pink, and purple. 

I’ve discovered that Pentel is my favorite brand of pen. I wasn’t in love with their “just right” rollerball pen even though it’s one of the smoothest writing utensils I’ve ever used because I’m an ink snob. I want my ink to be the blackest black, and I want it to be bold and striking and still not bleed through the paper. Of course, I want the writing to be smooth too. That all said, one of their other pens - the EnerGelX or something like that, was amazing. They had a pack of two at the Dollar Tree. 1mm, ink exactly the way I want it, and damn smooth writing. The Inc. R2 .7mm was probably my second favorite, and the Uni-Ball Bold Air came in third. I tried two different “Stylio” pens; one by Sharpie and one by PenMarc (I think I got that right). I liked them, and I think they’ll come in handy at some point, but they weren’t smooth enough for scribbling morning pages. 

The “Just Right” pens would probably make the most sense for the morning pages, but they’re my morning pages, and I can be weird about them if I want. 

I need to write more of my alien story/first draft for the workshop. I need to have it posted to the other workshop site so I can get some feedback this week and start editing by Monday so that it can maybe a have little more work on Tuesday and I can mail it off on Wednesday. While I was out and about, I got a padded envelope that I think will do nicely for sending my manuscript. I’m hoping that helps me be more committed to the task. I really wanted to have it posted to the workshop tonight, but I feel like I’m a long way off from having the story resolved. I feel I may need a couple more thousand words and I know I can get another chunk down tonight. I mean I wrote 1,400 words in it last night, but like, she just got out of the woods. She still needs to get back to her place, figure out how to help the little aliens, and send them safely off and then realize what she’s learned from the experience and show that she’s “grown.” I’m not sure how many words that’s going to take, but I think it’s going to be more than 1,400. Of course, maybe not! 

I should do what I can though. I have to be up early since we’re headed down to the beach in the morning and mom wants to leave by 9:30. I need to shower which will likely take close to an hour, and we have to finish packing the car. At the same time, I slept in until almost 1:30 pm today (I was up until like 3 am writing in my defense), so I don’t know how tired I am and how early I’ll be able to get to sleep. Though, knowing me if I when to bed and committed to going to sleep with my sleep story on, I’d be out in a couple of minutes. Actually, that does sound good. 

Anyway, I’d better get some story writing done. *Peace*

float_on_alright: I don't have a plot. I have caffeine (I don't have a plot. I have caffeine)
I started “The Artist’s Way” Recovery program today. Who knows how this is going to go long term but I suppose I can always start over if I need to. One of the frustrating things is that I can’t read over the “morning pages” which I know are mostly word vomit anyway so it’s not that I want to read them. The thing is, I’d like to count them towards my word goals for the day but they’re to be handwritten, not typed, no one is to see them or read including me, so physically counting the words isn’t an option because there's too much risk of me reading them. Not re-reading your morning pages is part of battling your “Inner Censor” or, The Cruel Critic as I’m starting to think of mine. My inner voice is an asshole y’all. I mean, I always knew that but one of the assignments for this week was to write down what the inner voice came up with when you wrote out “I, (insert name here), am a brilliant prolific writer.” 

And dude? I’m a fucking asshole. One of the things from therapy was being nicer to myself and the truly terrifying part of seeing the things I’ve said about myself in my own head is that I used to be worse. I wish I could understand how I got so hateful towards myself. Like, okay kids were assholes to me and I always felt out of place and awkward, but I don’t think any of them were ever as mean as I was to myself. 

One of the things she recommends is searching for who might have given you these insecurities and fears. Like trace them back to their originators. And while I was picked on for being overweight, a nerd, weird, wearing unfashionable clothes, not understanding personal hygiene for a while (don’t all sixth graders go through this?), etcetera etcetera etecera, I cannot think of a single instance when someone told me my writing was bad or that I should give up. In fact, as I search through my memories to writing classes and workshops, I can’t remember anything but kindness, support, and encouragement. So what the fuck? Did I do this to myself? And if so, how did this happen? How, growing up with a father who still says “when are you gonna write that bestseller?” In a completely, “you can do it so you should do it already” way do I still think of my writing as worthless trash? How did all those supportive, kind words go so far astray?

I had a teacher in high school who drove me to and from the UNC Charlotte campus from the boonies of Rowan County every day for two weeks so that I could participate in a writing workshop. A workshop I remember fondly and still have the booklet with our work and the notecards the participants wrote for me (we all wrote something nice for each participant). That seem teacher essentially created a Creative Writing II class at the high school so I could keep taking a creative writing course. My college professor weren’t really any less supportive. My classmates were supportive. But I guess I spent too much time thinking I would never be able to write a poem half as amazing as any poem Jason Mott ever wrote (he wrote The Returned, which was as a TV series for a minute and yes, we went to college together and I was in several classes with him even though I was a couple of years behind him and he is amazing - as a writer, as a poet, and as a person). 

She talks about parents telling their kids to be “reasonable” but my dad told me to do my best and as long as I was happy I could be a (and this is a direct quote) “Redundant (unemployed) Siberian Shit-Shoveler from Sheffield” for all he cared. How amazing is that? My mother (so long as she continues to believe I’m straight, I guess, who knows what will happen if she ever figures out I’m definitely not that) thinks the sun shines out my ass and I could do anything I wanted including writing Christmas movies for the Hallmark Channel. 

They talk about mean teachers and while I was terrified of Mrs. Teague I don’t remember her ever being discouraging. I had one teacher who wouldn’t call me by my preferred name but her class was also the class that I first truly understood that I wanted to write a book one day (I was in the first grade - about 6 years old) and that’s one of my two clear memories from that class (the other was refusing to answer by my given name instead of my nickname - I wish I still had that spunk 6 year old me had - she was badass). So not her then. My 6th grade English teacher was also a creative writing teacher and she was phenomenal. She chose my essay as a winner so I could be the “Lady” of our medieval castle day. My 7th grade teacher let me stay after school and use his computer to write the story I was supposed to write for his class. It was only supposed to be about five pages, but it was 25 by the time I was done. He even let me turn it in late with no penalty because I was enthusiastic about the project. 

I mean seriously, I cannot think of a single villain in my pursuit of the creative except myself. 

And isn’t that just a bitch? I can’t be mean to myself about it when I’m supposed to be helping myself heal. I mean beating myself up about it will not do me any good. I wish I had someone to blame though. I wish there was someone I could point to and go “There! That’s it! That’s the moment I started telling myself I could never really write! And it is his/her fault.” It would be so nice to have an external person to blame. But I don’t. And so I’ll just have to find a way to 1) forgive myself and 2) encourage and be kind to myself. 

I see a lot more affirmations in my future. 

float_on_alright: I understand which if i think about it disturbs me (I understand which if i think about it d)

I hit the resistance again today. After having not felt it for a few days, it was annoying to have it back. That’s okay though. I know that these types of things are common. I’m glad to have had some days without the resistance. I’ve read a little more of the book “The Artist’s Way” and I really do want to try her program. At the same time I feel incredibly overwhelmed about the upcoming things I have going on in my life. The next two weeks only involve a couple of weekend trips and a few appointments, but then it’s back to work during the busy season. Fall is always crazy in a way that Spring just never is. We’ll have the week in Atlanta for our sales kick off and then a couple of weeks later I’ll be taking off for DragonCon, plus there will be a visit from J who is coming in from California right before DragonCon. Then September and October tend to be my busiest work months. November is crazy. Honestly between the second week in August and the second week in December, I rarely have time to take a breath. And yes, I realize that there is never a “good time” to start a 12 week program but I think some times are just seriously worse than others. And fall is definitely the worst and busiest part of my year, bar none. At least while I’m working for Scholastic.

At the same time, I have a story to try to write, re-write, edit, and mail by July 25th. And if I’m blocked, I’m screwed. I really wanted to have the first draft written by Wednesday and I have no idea if that is going to happen. If I could get the first draft done by Wednesday, I know I could mail it by the following Tuesday (the 25th) or Wednesday at the latest and I feel like that’s enough time for it to make it to Atlanta by the 1st of August (the following Tuesday). Granted, I supposed I always have the option to just cancel the workshop. It’s just that I know I’d be canceling out of fear. The fear is what has me blocked anyway. It’s hard to be creative when you’re just so damned afraid. The “I have to write something good!” is so hateful to my creative brain and I know I’m not being fair to myself. At the same time, I don’t know how to stop. This lady says she knows how to help. That she can teach that part. I don’t know if she can tell me how to be a better storyteller, I think that’s something I have to learn other places and practice. But she says she does have a system for becoming consistently creative without all the blocked nonsense all the time. She calls it a recovery program, like AA or something. And I think I believe her.

And that’s the thing right? Like, what if she’s right? What if she doesn’t know exactly how to loosen up the strangle hold the inner critic has on my creative self? If that’s the case, how can I possibly justify putting it off?

Not to mention, as frustrating as my job can be and as busy as it can be, I only spend 40 hours there a week. I don’t take my job home with me, ever, and even if I stay until we close at 5pm every day of the week, that still puts me home in the evening with plenty of time to do creative work. And if there’s anything I’ve learned from the last 8 months or so, it’s that I absolutely cannot give up my creative pursuits because to give them up would be to give up on my mental health and that is something I know I cannot do.

She forewarns that it can be a difficult, emotionally exhausting journey, one that I’ll likely want to quit. Which means the other thing standing in my way is fear. Fear of what I’ll find and what I’ll feel and what I’ll have to face. Those aren’t things I can take lightly. I know everyone has a shitstorm of issues inside them - maybe some more than others but still I doubt anyone has been untouched by some sort of trauma at some point. I think we all build up walls of lies in some form or fashion so that we don’t have to face the things we don’t like about ourselves. It’s probably pretty normal to fear that too.

I fear I’ll be too tired from work to be able to handle whatever crises this thing makes me face. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to face what I need to face. I’m afraid I’ll quit.

I mean, I can’t fail if I don’t try, right? Which is, of course, exactly the attitude I’ve been hiding behind for years that I promised myself I wouldn’t let win (at least not on a regular basis anyway) earlier this year.

On top of all this, I go back to work in like two weeks and I’m dreading it. Part of me looks forward to seeing Emily at work all the time and I certainly don’t want to stay on unemployment no matter how much I wish I could retire already. The last few weeks have positively flown by and I know the next two weeks will be gone even faster. I’m trying to savor them, of course but they’ll still go by quickly. I keep hoping that by the end of these next two weeks, when I’m thinking, “Yup, back to work tomorrow,” that I’ll be sort of ready for it. Maybe not bored with being off exactly, I don’t think that’s possible, but ready. Maybe if Fall and Spring were reversed and spring was the busier season and fall was quiet and I could “ease” into going back to work, that would be more likely. And granted, it’s not impossible. It’s a six week break and that’s no small break. It’s really, really not. I mean, how many people get that kind of time off? Teachers, of course, get a bit more than that, but they take their jobs home with them every day. I’d bet those kids are always on their minds. Not to mention all the other crap they put up with, like parents and the government making dumb laws about standardized tests. Granted, I have to put up with a lot of Parent-Teacher-Associations/Organizations members. That is a mixed bag, I can tell you that. Although, so is working with teachers, librarians, and staff.

Sigh, I’m on a tangent. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do. I don’t want to start something I’m not committed to doing but I don’t want to not commit to something because I’m being a scared little wuss. I could probably debate this all night. Go round and round with myself about it but I’m not sure that it would help. I think I’ll go try a prompt and then maybe read for a bit. I’ve got a dentist appointment tomorrow so I’ll have to be in bed at an almost reasonable hour tonight.

float_on_alright: clint doesn't want spoilers (clint doesn't like spoilers)
I was not even a little bit in the mood to write today. I wasn’t in the mood to do anything today if I’m honest. Well, anything except read. I finally got to the book I’d been wanting to get to in the series and it was everything I’d hoped it would be. *Happy Sigh* 

On the other hand, I’ve been feeling a bit miserable. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t written anything new or if I’m feeling like I’ve gotten in over my head with a few of the things I’ve signed up for over the last six months or so (possible since I’ll now have regularly scheduled accountability and mastermind calls possibly for the rest of my life and I honestly don’t know how that happened to me), or maybe because for the first time in months I didn’t have anything immediately pressing and I didn’t know what to do with myself, or if maybe I’m just hormonal (that’s certainly possible too). 

I don’t feel like I thought I would feel having finished the Lit Mag Love course though I think it’s largely because I’m afraid of what comes next. Part of the deal was that you would get her help until such a time as you get published in one of the journals you thought would do well for your work. Which means there’s a high probability that one of my stories will, in the next year or so, get published in a journal somewhere. Which, dear God, what was I thinking? I mean, I know what I was thinking. And I know that I do actually want to get published. I know that I do, but the idea of it is terrifying. 

And that is probably why I’ve been miserable and wallowing for a large part of today. The idea of successfully getting something I wrote in a journal is terrifying. I mean, I’m likely to be rejected for a while. I’m likely going to need to do a lot more work writing a lot more stories before I get there, but it actually feels like there’s a real chance I could get there. If I'm honest, there’s one journal that I think my story would really be suited for that I sent it to. I had only planned to send my story to just that journal but I don’t have enough other things ready to be able to submit other stories other places. 

I know I’ve already talked about the five submissions thing so I won’t get back into that for right now but I guess I just really think that one journal should take my story. Which means I know I’ll be frustrated, sad, and disappointed if they’re not interested. I know I can’t take stuff like that personally. I really, really do. And I know that my writing needs a lot of work so I should just remember that this is part of the learning process but I know there will be a moment when I’ll be hurt. But, I handled it when my Mrs. Claus story got rejected and I’ll handle it when it this one does too. I’m just hopeful that this one is closer to being the kind of story journals will say yes than the last one. And that the next one will be closer. And the rejections will simply be opportunities to make my stories better, nothing more and nothing less. 

Granted I was in a decent mood until mom wanted me to leave the house - I mean, I had to put on clothes including a boob prison. I just wore a sports bra which is slightly less aggravating, but I still wasn’t happy about having to “people” today. I just really, really didn’t want to people today. Not that the people we peopled with weren’t lovely. I just didn’t want to do it. I need to make myself a general schedule for the rest of the summer so that I’m productive every day in a way that feels good to me. I was overwhelmed productive the last few days and that didn’t feel good and then today I wasn’t remotely productive. I mean, I washed a few dishes and I listened to that book. I know listening to a fourteen hour book (on a 1.25 setting) in about 23 hours is sort of productive but I know if I don’t work on my projects over the next two and half weeks, I’ll be mad at myself for “wasting” the time. Not to mention that I really do have to have that stuff put together for the DragonCon writing workshop by August first. And actually I’d like to have it done before I go visit my friend Casey the last weekend of this month (good grief, where does the time go?) which is only like 15 days away. That’s two weeks and a tiny bit. 

Seriously, where does the time go?

Oh Kate.

Jun. 24th, 2017 12:13 am
float_on_alright: I have no idea what i'm doing out of bed (no idea what i'm doing out of bed)

So last night I said I was either going to go write some more or go to sleep. I got into bed and I think I had every intention of going to sleep but then somehow I put on my book that I had been listening to earlier in the day, maybe I just thought I’d listen to one more funny bit - I can’t rightly remember where my mind was - and then I ended up listening to it and playing games on my phone until I’d finished somewhere around 6 am. And then I got up around 9:45 am to go for a walk. I know, madness. Absolutely craziness. I really want to watch the new episode of Wynonna Earp that aired tonight and stay up and tweet about it and I want to write more after that but I think I probably won’t. I’ve got a bit of a headache and I need more than anything else in the world right now, besides breathing I guess, to get this mascara off my face. I don’t know what I was thinking putting on mascara. I mean it looks pretty but I fucking hate mascara. Anyway, if I’m incoherent tomorrow, y’all will know why.


float_on_alright: smiling (smiling)
I saw my therapist today and talked with her about the bouts of anxiety I’ve had and it was wonderful to talk to her about them. I’ve been telling my mom that I think they’re a good sign, that they mean that I’m working on the right things things - things that matter. She agreed with me. We talked about how anxiety is a normal human emotion and that most of the time it’s not a terrible thing. The problem comes when you spiral into lies your brain makes up and can’t get out of. She had some suggestions for how to deal with them when they happen and it wasn’t about medication for which I was thankful honestly. 

I’ve been watching Pretty Little Liars and I’m pretty sure I’m about to waste my summer binge-ing this show. There are 159 episodes as of a couple of days ago. Granted, six months ago I could've watched the seven seasons on Netflix in two weeks so I figure I’m probably improving life choices wise right? I mean I think I watched 24 hours of Dexter in less than a weekend. 

I did try to read the books, but I couldn’t make it through enough of them to have the plot of the show ruined though I can tell they made some changes. It’s such a drama show, so ridiculously over the top but it’s just the right kind of drama I guess to keep me watching. 

I’m going out with my friend Emily tomorrow to Caitlin’s show and we’re gonna get “pan-Asian food” beforehand and have a few drinks. We’re also supposed to “walk together” again tomorrow morning around 10 am so I’ll have to get up a little earlier than the last few days. I'm thinking I may take a nap afterwards because it is already well after midnight and I have more writing I should really do. 

I may just go to bed after this because I did do my “feedback” workshop homework tonight and that takes a bit of work. I really do try to give helpful feedback that people can actually use which is not a quick thing to do. It takes some pretty careful reading, often a couple of times, and some thought. I kind of like doing it, especially when a story has good bones but has room to grow and flourish. That's the best because you really feel like you’re putting energy into something that’s worth it. The workshop has a lot of good writers. There are quite a few stories that really captured me I’ve found so far. Of course, I’ve also found some stories that I struggled to get through. I know I mentioned it once before, but there was one story that was just totally incomprehensible. There was another that was just sort of “and then and then and then” but I have to say the second draft they posted was significantly better than the first so they obviously did real work and took into account the feedback they were given. 

The contest had a word count limit of 1000 words so I was proud of myself for staying right around 900. I’d really like to try my hand at some flash fiction - some 300 - 500 word stories that actually have some punch to them rather than just a sense of fun. I’ll just have to practice! I probably won’t get a whole lot done tomorrow what with needing to shower and get ready and go out in the evening. We’re meeting up around 5:30 so that means I’ll have to leave here by 4:30 at the latest and the show is set to run from 8pm to 11pm which means I won’t get home until midnight. That means I need a shower and probably a nap before I go out since I won’t get home until midnight - maybe later depending on how long we mingle afterwards. It’ll be fun though. I don’t at all regret deciding to go. 

Okay, I’m a little sad I’m going to miss watching Wynonna Earp live. I’ll admit that. But, if I’m still awake, maybe I can watch the re-air at 1am. And I can definitely sleep all day Saturday if I want. 

I need to try to remember to post the next chapter for the workshop before I go out to dinner tomorrow though because that’s not something I’ll be awake enough to do when I get back. 

Man, I know I said something similar yesterday, but time is SO FREAKING WEIRD. I honestly feel like I’ve been on vacation for a few months, not a few days. It doesn’t feel like I was at work last Friday. It’s surreal to even think. Anyway, I’d better either do some work on my stories or head to bed. 


Jun. 22nd, 2017 01:24 am
float_on_alright: lucificer says this is boring and pointless (lucificer says this is boring and pointl)

I’ve done a little writing today and managed to do two job applications. I also took a walk this morning “with” my friend Emily (we talked on the phone while we walked around our perspective neighborhoods) which was really fun actually. At work we often take walks in the morning on our break. She and I spend a good bit more time at work being sociable than we should be maybe. But seriously, not seeing each other for more than a couple of days at a time is sort of weird. I mean I know I worked last summer and she didn’t but that seems like … well several years ago if I’m honest. Last summer seems as far away from me as working for iTunes four years ago. Isn’t it strange the way time passes? I can’t believe how quickly this past year went by for the most part. I felt like I blinked and it was gone and at the same time, the last few months feel like they were years ago. Maybe it’s something about having this summer off that makes everything else feel so strange. Being off right now, it almost feels like this was always my life and I just had a weird dream about working the last year.


Time is so strange. The last few days have gone by quickly too but in a different way, I think. I thought I might try to make a schedule for myself, but I tend to not follow schedules even when I’m the one that makes them so I don’t figure I’ll bother, at least not at the moment. So far I’ve done a good job at staying productive - even if I’m behind on some of my homework. I did make it to the “office hour” today too which made me happy. They’re having an extra one this week on Friday but in the evening so I don’t think I’ll be able to attend that one. If they still have the one Saturday morning, I might make it up in time for that. Emily and I are going to a performance by one of our other co-workers choir group on Friday evening and then of course there’s Wynonna Earp and any squee-ing that might involve. Last Friday I was so exhausted I barely made it through the episode before I was unconscious.


Speaking of Fridays, I think Killjoys is back next week which is lovely. I sure do enjoy Killjoys too. And what a lineup! I think Dutch would love Wynonna.


I digress. Not that this really had a point except for that I think I find it a little easier to write my fiction after I’ve rambled for a bit about my real life.


I’ve got another busy day lined up tomorrow and hopefully that means I’ll be working on my assignments. Wish me luck y’all.


float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)

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