Confessions of Fangirl

Brain dump time. I’m feeling stuck on a school assignment. Actually, I don’t know if stuck is the right word, exactly, maybe overwhelmed. There’s so much to choose from and I’m just feeling like everything is too much and I read things but I don’t process things. I was doing okay. I did manage to finish a short essay last night that’s due on Friday so I’m glad about that. Not that I’ll be posting it just yet. I probably need to make a few more edits. I say that, but really it’s just the fearful procrastinator in me who wants everything to be beyond reproach or not done at all because then I won’t be “rejected.” If you don’t try, your grade isn’t a reflection of your efforts, which is an absolutely lousy way to live. I don’t want to keep living that way. I’m always afraid that people will laugh at me and reject me. I love people who say “other people’s opinions don’t matter!” I’m not saying they’re wrong, I’m just saying that my brain and feelings absolutely care about what other people think, and when they reject me the pain is unbearable. I don’t know how to tell you that I can’t stop that reaction, that no amount of prep work or platitudes makes that pain any less. I don’t think people who don’t have Rejection Sensitivity get it. I really don’t think they understand at all. I wish I didn’t feel this way. It’s an awful, awful feeling to have. Any little bit of criticism or perceived rejection is devastating and debilitating. Okay, maybe not “any,” but it definitely doesn’t take much to send me into a spiral of self-hatred and grief all because someone else said they didn’t like something I made or said or did. Logically I know I can’t make everyone like me. Logically I know that I shouldn’t even care if someone people don’t like me. Not to mention that if someone doesn’t like something I did, that doesn’t mean that they don’t like me personally. Lots of time it’s not personal, or at least it isn’t personal to them. It always feels personal to me. 

I need about sixteen hundred more words to make my goal for the month and I really don’t want to miss a month’s goal this early in the year since there’s a long way to go a lot of life to live and a big word count goal for the year. I need to exercise today because I likely won’t have time to do that tomorrow. I should say that I’m unlikely to make time for it tomorrow since there will be visiting with people and I’m going to be exhausted after tonight’s visiting with people. I do want to hang out with Jaymie but I think I said that I would hang out with a couple of other people too and now I’m kind of dreading it which is super frustrating.

I know part of it is that I’m wicked tired. I was exhausted when I finally went to sleep last night at 3:30 in the morning and then I got up at like 10 this morning to pee and then I could’ve gone back to sleep, but I decided to stay up and read instead of going back to sleep. I’m not saying I regret it, but I know it wasn’t the smartest decision. I just really wanted to finish that book. It’s ridiculous to say that after an entire long weekend at the beach by myself, that I still feel like I can’t take any more time with people. Granted, a lot of it is my job. I love my job, but I spend hours a day being sociable and friendly and answering questions and being “on” constantly and I’m just so fucking tired of being “on” right now. There aren’t a lot of people that don’t make me feel like I have to be “on.” I love my friends dearly and I enjoy my time with them, but there are only like two people in the world that literally never feel draining.

I don’t want to sound mean by calling people “draining” because often the same people who “drain” are ones that “fill me up” at other times. But when I’m this tapped out, this on edge, there just aren’t many people I can be around and not feel worse.

It’s also different talking to people online or via text. I might feel good or (maybe even) better for getting to talk to people online or via text when sitting in the same room with them would have the opposite effect. I can’t say why that is. Maybe it’s because I feel like I have control of the conversation if it’s online. If I get too tired or I need to not talk for a little bit, I can do that without it being weird. Everyone understand when I get sucked into something and disappear for a little while if I’m talking to them online. Being there in person is an entirely different prospect, it just is.

I know I want to see Jaymie and in all likelihood I’ll be fine once I’m out with everyone. And all I have to say if I’m struggling is that I’m exhausted from work and family stuff and everyone will understand. No one is going to be mad at me if I’m not up to “my usual performance.” I just have to remember that.

The other thing is that I’ll have another busy week and then it’s my weekend to work. I would dearly love to get another day off, but I need to save my vacation days and if I take a sick day then I lose the extra vacation hours I could earn by not taking sick leave for seven pay periods in a row. I have to make it through about three more weeks before I can take a sick day and not mess up my count so I hate to say this but I think I’m planning on taking a sick day right around the end of April or the beginning of May, once my “count” is going to reset. It resets either after the seven pay periods when they give you four extra hours of vacation or you take a sick leave day.

The problem is going to be that with dad being retired now, I’m going to be the house with mom and dad and that’s not really a break from people. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being a big whiny baby. It’s not like I’d want to live by myself. Anyway, I need to get some stuff done before everyone shows up for tonight.