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I want to write, though I'm not sure what I want to write. I've noticed I feel better when I'm writing. I haven't tried to write any original fiction lately, but I haven't been interested in it anyway. I haven't been interested in reading recently, which is sad for me because it is typically one of my great loves. I haven't read a book in over a month, actually, which is incredibly rare for me. I haven't even been rereading anything or listening to any books in the car when I'm driving. I do read for school, of course, but those are articles mostly and some textbooks. It's not the same thing as a novel, and it's definitely not for fun. Reading the textbook is not relaxing, I can tell you that for sure. Some of the articles are pretty rough too. The reading is interesting, that's for sure. It's hard to be motivated to do anything right now, school-wise. I can't count how many times I've gone to work on a project or assignment when suddenly my brain shuts down and acts like it's never heard of such a thing as writing a paper or making a PowerPoint or Google Slide presentation. It's frustrating. I also feel like I'm the kind of person who has to be under the gun to get anything done, and the adrenaline is the only thing getting me through my big projects. At the same time, I'm so tired from work and the pandemic and the general exhaustion of attempting to have some sort of semblance of mental and emotional wellbeing that I feel like my well of adrenaline is dried up. It's hard to get the fear of consequences going to produce adrenaline when my body is constantly on edge just from being alive. I don't know how to work around this. I have so many things due in the next week and a half, and every time I think about them, my brain sort of shuts down--just turns into TV static. I need to get in contact with the Student with Disabilities campus people. The sooner I do that, the better, but of course, that feels like another overwhelming thing that I don't understand how to do. I know it starts with a simple phone call to their department, but it seems like they're going to want paperwork and validation from my doctors, and that sounds so ridiculously hard and exhausting even though I have no idea if that is or isn't true. I don't know. I want to do well, but I don't wanna do anything either. It's a bit of a conundrum. Ugh. I hate feeling like this.
Shadowhunter Addiction
Mar. 29th, 2018 12:09 amToday went well, but it was still stressful.
I got sucked into Shadowhunters, again, which is unfortunate because I need to go to bed, and I haven’t written anything. I did post my story, but I still haven’t linked it on writing dot com so I still need to do that too before the end of the month. Dad and I are planning the gym for the morning so I super duper need to go to bed. Traffic was awful today, worse than usual this afternoon and it was over an hour and a half before I got home. Granted that did also include getting gas, but still. So then it was after 7 before I got home. I’m tired because I stayed up too late listening to an audiobook. Thankfully, I didn’t stay up to finish it, but I still should’ve gone to bed earlier. Not like that’s a new thing for me. I just have to get through tomorrow before there’s a nice long weekend for the holiday. Two three day weekends in a row! The family is having a party on Friday. Partly for dad’s retirement and partly for Adri (my niece’s) birthday which should be nice.
The only problem with this holiday is that it means mom gets more pushy about fellowships, and I’m just not in the mood right now. I have having a difficult enough time with her as it is, I just can’t add on more to it right now. And the worst thing is I’ve barely spent time with her for the last few days. I saw her briefly on Thursday and then Sunday night and that’s it until tonight, and it’s not that I don’t love her, I do, I just need to figure out how to move out and how to tell her I’m queer. I know that will be hell and I don’t want to do it, but I don’t know that can live like this forever either.
But I can’t solve that tonight. So bed for me.
After powering through a sinus headache enough to write a bit, I was trying to erase just a little bit - like half a sentence - and I guess the backspace got locked or something and it ended up deleting like large parts of paragraphs and when I tried to stop it, i moved the cursor and ended up deleting parts of other sentences/paragraphs. I am annoyed, but I know about the retrieval feature on Google Docs now thanks to the Drunken Disaster Of a Random Friday a couple of weeks ago so I know that tomorrow I'll be able to calmly and rationally get back what I need. Or at least enough for me not to go murdering anything.
I had originally planned to mostly focus on my Wynonna fic tonight and I did add a little to it but I got caught up with an idea for a topic I want to write about for the professional blog/website I will be starting in the next month or so. I didn't want to lose the idea while I had it so I wrote enough that I can dig into it more later and I shouldn't have to worry about whether or not I'll forget what I was planning to say since there's enough there to see the point I wanted to make.
I want to do an updated "life goals" post soon and an mid-April update as well but that will have to be another night. The sinuses have put me in the mindset to go to bed early tonight and get some sleep so sleep I believe I shall. Night y'all.
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