Obsessive Compulsive Reading

I was going to make time to write today, but just as I got home from my friend’s house my mom texted me that she’d cleaned her tub so I could take a bath, so I had myself a spa day instead. I mean, two hours in a bath that included Epsom salts, shower oil, bubbles, and a bath bomb.  I played a spa music playlist I found on Apple music which was glorious. And I read one of my favorite books. It was so fucking glorious. I don’t have any regrets whatsoever about my day though there is part of me that thinks I should’ve spent more of my time writing or at least reading a book that I hadn’t already read. I say “part of me thinks,” but I think it might be more accurate to say something like, “I feel like I SHOULD think.” Like, you know how sometimes you feel like you ought to feel bad about something, but you just sort of feel sorry for NOT feeling bad? It’s like that. a

There are so many books I am dying to read. There honestly, truly are. I intensely want to read them, and there are more of them than there are species on the planet. At the same time, sometimes the need to reread something is so consuming that I can’t think about reading anything else. That’s how I felt today. I went through a good chunk of my books over and over again today, but I couldn’t derail my brain from the desire to reread “The Backup Boyfriend,” and I knew me well enough to know that I wasn’t going to be happy reading anything else. Now that I’ve reread it I've found that I love it just as much on the second read I did on the first, so I’ll probably end up rereading it one day, and I should now be free from the compulsion to read it which will give me the freedom to pick up the next thing. 

Man, I am worn out. I think it’s time to call it a night and try again tomorrow. 

Mental Health Watch

God, I don’t want to do anything but read books today. I did do laundry which is good. I’m a little concerned that I might be coming up on another depressive episode. I’ve been doing so well depression wise and while I’ve had quite a bit of low-grade anxiety, my high anxiety days have been relatively few and far between. It’s been a really good couple of years overall so I have a lot to be thankful for. But I haven’t showered since Thursday morning after the gym and I don’t plan to until Monday after the gym.

This could be nothing. This could be I’m not sleeping enough. This could be feeling overwhelmed by all the stuff I have going on. I could just be... I don’t know... but I do know I’ll need to monitor myself carefully over the coming weeks. I should probably also watch my alcohol intake. I haven’t been drinking heavily or anything, but I think I’ve had more alcohol to drink in the last month or so than I had in the three months prior combined. It really hasn’t been excessive, at all, but I know that alcohol can counter-effect my medication and it’s harder on my liver. Of course, as soon I decide I’m not going to have something, I immediately want more of it. I feel like that’s just human nature.

I have some really awesome stuff coming up, though I’m nervous about some stuff too. There will always be things in my life that make me nervous and really that’s a good thing. If I don’t go out there and make myself experience new things then I’ll be closing myself off to a world of good along (even if it comes with some not so good) and likely not really living at all. Again, lots of good stuff coming up like a trip to the beach with friends and DragonCon.

I can’t figure out if I’m reading more because I’m trying to prevent the depression or if I’m reading more because I don’t want to face a depression I’m already in. I’ve been looking around at the state of my room and it’s a wreck. I desperately need to vacuum. My sink isn’t draining properly and I’ve been ignoring it for weeks. When I think about doing anything to correct the issues, I feel myself getting exhausted just thinking about taking action and deciding I'll read instead. The "exhausted just thinking about it" is how I feel when I’m depressed, but I could just be legitimately tired. I get up around 5 am to spend over an hour at the gym most weekday mornings. I spend 90 - 120 minutes in the car a day commuting to work. I work full time. I’ve got a little bit of a social life with my two book clubs and my evenings out with friends. Work has been crazy busy because of Summer Break, end of fiscal year paperwork, taking on more responsibility for the teen volunteers--especially while the head of the department was gone for two weeks on vacation--and the teen services in general, and yearly performance reviews. I got back from Asheville not long ago. There is a lot going on. My days are typically pretty damned full at this point so it isn’t like I don’t have good reason to be tired.

Oh hell. I’m just going to have to keep watching myself, plain and simple. I probably also need to cut back on the reading a little. Maybe start that “The Artist’s Way” book over too. I’m probably not going to do what she recommended about the three handwritten pages because I need to be able to count these "word vomit" type ramblings towards my word count goal like I always have, but if I start working on some of the other projects too and maybe make more private posts, it might be good for my artist self and my mental well being. I need to try to start now before I sink too far into the depression to take any kind of action. It might be good to listen to “You are a Badass” again too. I’ve listened to that book four or five times now, but it really does seem to help even if I have already practically memorized what she has to say. I also think I need to get outside a little more. More trips to the pool and walking/jogging outside rather than at the gym. That last part may have to wait until October because it’s mostly just so damn hot and muggy, but the pool is manageable.

Most of all, I need to keep writing and checking in with myself.