float_on_alright | Entries tagged with real life: angst

It’s 11pm and I really need to be in bed about now. I get to go in late tomorrow, but dad and I are going to try to go to the gym in the morning early beforehand. I may get to have a nap before I go to work and after the gym but there is really no telling for sure. I’m frustrated because I feel like it’s nearly impossible to keep up an good exercise routine and a writing schedule and get any sleep at all whatsoever.

My dad is snoring like he’s going to choke on his own throat right now and that’s not helping either, lol. He’s sleeping on the couch. I could leave and write somewhere else, but I feel like once I go upstairs, I’m going to pass out and I really, really have to write a little before I go up.

I tried to be productive today and I really wasn’t as productive as I wanted to be which is sort of frustrating. I need to make myself a work to do list. I have a task list with like reminders and such, but I still only get so far with that sometimes. I keep putting things off. Plus, it’s not a complete list of what I need to do.

I’m watching a bit of Grimm in the background, because I can’t really handle any episodes of anything new right at the moment and it was just the Christmas episode. I only mention that because I got really excited about the fact that I have an ornament that was used on the set as one of Monroe’s ornaments. Rebby got it for me via a friend of hers and it’s just SO COOL THAT I HAVE IT.

Moving on.

My dog, may have at any rate, taken my spiky ball foot roller ball thing. It’s a plastic ball with a lot of little spikes that I use to massage my arch to help prevent plantar fasciitis. I struggle a little with that in general, and with my job being partly on my feet, it’s important that after I exercise (or have an especially busy day of work) that I roll my foot over the ball. God knows if I’ll ever see it again. It’s possible that she just has it out in the yard and she’s dropped it back there and I’ll see it the next time I’m walking around picking up poop, but if she buried it or hid it under the porch there’s every likelihood that it’s just gone. And I did go for a jog today not realizing that I wouldn’t get a chance to use my normal ball tonight so I’m a little bit nervous about how my feet will be feeling tomorrow. I do have a brace and it works alright, but it’s not as good--at least I don’t think it’s been my experience that it works as well--as the spiky ball and I don’t know whether or not to go ahead and just order a new one.

I really need to complete a story for this month. I’m thinking that may be my goal for the weekend when I’m at the beach. I don’t usually take a computer with me, just my iPad, but I’m thinking I may make an exception this time so I can more easily to my work. I’m hoping that I’ll work on it doing the week too of course, but I am also hoping that being at the beach in the quiet without the family or the dog or my work, I’ll be able to really focus and get some stuff written and read for that matter… well after I like sleep for eighteen hours straight.

Ugh, and now I’m hungry again. I’ve been doing great with my exercise for the most part, but for the life of me I can’t seem to be full for more than five minutes. I’ve been trying to fill up on vegetables, protein, and stuff that has good fiber and still--STILL--I’m feeling constantly hungry. I’ve been drinking more water too, more than a hundred ounces a day. I just don’t know what else to do. I’m hoping that part of it is my period so that when it ends in a couple of days, my appetite will calm down a little. It’s one thing for it to be up a little bit from the exercise, which I kind of expect--again, a little bit--but another for me to just be constantly ravenous. Ah well, I think I’m going to eat a tablespoon of peanut butter and have a couple of sips of milk and hope that’ll be enough. I’ll drink some more water too, just in case.

Current Mood: frustrated

She texted me! And she said I didn’t mess up my number after all, the call must have just not gone through which makes me feel a little better.

God, I’m so distracted over this! It’s impossible to get anything done because all I keep thinking about is our conversations or her smile (Dear.God.Her.Smile.) or when I might see her again or whatever. I know she’s going through a lot right now and the last thing she really needs is my ridiculous ass being obnoxious about my crush on her.

It’s odd, though. There is part of me that’s just happy to feel this way again. I hadn’t really felt this way about anyone in a while. I mean I’d had a few fluffy crushes… okay more than a few, but this is the most intensely I’ve felt about anyone since things went to shit with me and Austin in March of 2013. Five years. I’m not kidding. It’s been five years since I’ve felt like this. And I’ve just been so happy the last couple of days (minus being annoyed with myself when I thought I’d given her the wrong number).

Actually, even the downs of the crush feel good right now. It’s like there’s a muscle I’m using that I haven’t used in years and it’s stiff and it sort of hurts but it also feels really, really good.

It’s a little like being awake again after a really long sleep. I don’t know what’s coming and it could be that nothing at all will come of this, but I’m glad to feel it. And I’m glad to put myself out there.

At least at the moment. I might be singing an entirely different tune in a few weeks.

Current Mood: amused

Soooooo I gave her my number but I think I managed to somehow type my number that I have had since 2002 incorrectly and I just want to beat myself over the forehead with a two by four. I’m just praying she’s working at our location tomorrow so I can fix it. Ugh. My friends tell me just to make a joke of it and be cute, but I just feel like such an idiot and I already have SUCH AN AWKWARD CRUSH on this girl. It’s so stupid. Goddddddddddd.

Ugh, I just find out she’s recently single and work up the nerve to give her my number and THIS. God. I’m so mad at myself. I’ve been crushing on this girl for MONTHS. RERRGGGGGGHH. I can’t. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

AND I wanted to finish my taxes too but apparently I left my wallet in my car and I can’t say I’ve got any interest in dealing with going out to my car.

I think I’m just going to go to bed and try again tomorrow.

Current Mood: annoyed

I’ve been struggling to write the last few weeks. I do my morning pages okay but I haven’t done well with my story writing. Some of it has been being busy. I spent a good chunk of time this week on stuff that isn’t normally on my schedule: hair cut, lit mag once a month call, prepping for my interview. I feel like this is always where I get overwhelming busy. And actually, work wise I haven’t gotten to the busiest part of my year yet. That will start in another couple of weeks. September through until Thanksgiving is just hell on wheels, a train barreling on unstable tracks and you may or may not get the tracks completed before the train gets to the pass meaning safety or a fiery, fiery death for everyone.

I know that’s a little dramatic. It feels authentic even if it is a little extra. Keep in mind that over 40% of my fall business is in October (this means 90 something events) which I have to get ready for in September. But then another good chunk (something around 25% or 30%) of my fall business is in November which I need to get ready for in October when nearly half of my other fairs are running. I am not kidding when I say I’ve been dancing on the cliff of suicide by mid-October every year for the last three years. You’d think that knowing what’s coming would help me prepare for it or deal with or something, but so far that hasn't been the case yet.

I think my brain has been subconsciously fearing that for the last couple of weeks, basically since we started back at work. Knowing how hard last year hit me and how I really wasn’t much better the year before I just didn’t really tell anyone about it. I don’t know how many times I thought about checking myself in somewhere. More than I could count or track for sure. I’m scared of being there again, terrified really. There’s a lot to like about my job but I’m not sure I’ve ever put into words how badly in messes with my mental health sometimes. I mean, I know a large part of it is my own brain and how I’ve treated myself in the past and I’m way better about those things right now, but I don’t know how well I’ll hold up my defenses once the real insanity hits and the goal pushing starts and the berating about goals and the listening to calls with corporate people etc. etc. etc.

Anyway, I think all this fear and stress is blocking me creatively. I’m having a hard time creating the feeling of “safety” (I can’t think of a better word though I don’t think that’s exactly the right one) enough to get past all the crap in my head. I want to get there. And I’ll try again tomorrow. I’m hoping that writing about it tonight will help me face it better tomorrow.

Current Mood: frustrated

My dad asked me how today was and I told him it was long and mostly emails. I told him how happy I was to see Emily.

“So,” he asks, “was it good to be back?”

“No.”

He laughed, but only because of my deadpan delivery and the fact that I think he expected me to say "yes" or "in some ways" or something similar as something like that is pretty likely to be my response.

I’d hoped once I got there, once I got back into to it that I’d feel less resistance to the job, that I’d feel more interested in doing the work, but if anything the opposite was true. Next week will be the SKO and we’ll learn about the new things and get to see the new books and we’ll party and get to have an author visit with Gordon Korman so maybe that will help. I guess we’ll see.

Current Mood: cranky

I go back to work tomorrow and I’m feeling like the things I really want to do are write, read, and sleep and it’s like the joke about college where you have good grades, decent a social life, and regular sleep and you can only pick two. If I take the time to read and write, I won’t get a lot of sleep. If I get decent sleep I’m going to have to limit my reading and writing time. The audiobook thing helps a little because I know I’ll be able to listen in the car and with work starting back I’ll be spending plenty of time in the car. I just don’t want all my reading time to be relegated to listening in the car in the work week either. I hate ragging on my job. It’s a good job and one that really has a lot of perks as well as a lot of great coworkers. There are a few people I’d rather not spend time with ever again, but no matter what you do I think that’ll be an issue. Nowhere is perfect.

These six weeks have been so amazing overall. No matter the stress I felt some days or the anxiety and panic attacks I had to deal with - those are things that would’ve been worse had I been working as well as trying to do all those other things. I’m so grateful for the time off I had. When I first found out I wasn’t going to be working this summer I’ll confess that I felt a little insulted that they didn’t have a slot for me this summer and that they chose one of the other girls to work over me but I pretty quickly got very excited about the time off. I knew it would fly by and it really has. I cannot believe how quickly it past. Time does fly when you’re doing lots of stuff and having lots of fun. I wish I could go back and start over. Just like hit the rewind button. Maybe skip back a couple of chapters. But that isn't how life works and I’ll be back at work tomorrow.

It’s not like I don’t have a ton of good stuff to look forward to. The trip to Atlanta for SKO will be fun since Emily and I will get to room together for those few days. It’ll be like having a sleepover for a few days even if we have a shit ton of meetings to go to. Then Juleia is visiting at the end of August, a few days before I head to Atlanta again (I am spending more time in Atlanta this summer than in the last couple of years combined, I’m pretty sure) for DragonCon and the writer’s workshop. It’s going to be so fun. I was worried about where I was going to stay for DragonCon a little bit. I knew that I was good to stay with Casey for the workshop but I didn’t know if she was going to be able to (or want to) put me up for the whole thing and I haven’t talked to the girls I went with last time much at all in the last few months. I’m pretty sure they’re going but I didn't really feel like I had a place with them either. But Casey made it clear she’d totally assumed that I was staying with her for the whole thing. So no matter what now, I know I’ll be okay. It’s such a relief. I’m still nervous as fuck about the trip and the workshop and the crowds and just everything that the Con is, but I’m really excited for it too.

That’s just in the next like five weeks! Anyway, I’m going to try to focus on the perks of my job and the things I have to look forward to instead of the anything else. I need to get back into writing my stories too but I think I’d better get some sleep. I want to finish my book but it’s already 11 and I have to be up around 6am tomorrow. *Le Sigh*

Current Mood: pensive

I started “The Artist’s Way” Recovery program today. Who knows how this is going to go long term but I suppose I can always start over if I need to. One of the frustrating things is that I can’t read over the “morning pages” which I know are mostly word vomit anyway so it’s not that I want to read them. The thing is, I’d like to count them towards my word goals for the day but they’re to be handwritten, not typed, no one is to see them or read including me, so physically counting the words isn’t an option because there's too much risk of me reading them. Not re-reading your morning pages is part of battling your “Inner Censor” or, The Cruel Critic as I’m starting to think of mine. My inner voice is an asshole y’all. I mean, I always knew that but one of the assignments for this week was to write down what the inner voice came up with when you wrote out “I, (insert name here), am a brilliant prolific writer.”

And dude? I’m a fucking asshole. One of the things from therapy was being nicer to myself and the truly terrifying part of seeing the things I’ve said about myself in my own head is that I used to be worse. I wish I could understand how I got so hateful towards myself. Like, okay kids were assholes to me and I always felt out of place and awkward, but I don’t think any of them were ever as mean as I was to myself.

One of the things she recommends is searching for who might have given you these insecurities and fears. Like trace them back to their originators. And while I was picked on for being overweight, a nerd, weird, wearing unfashionable clothes, not understanding personal hygiene for a while (don’t all sixth graders go through this?), etcetera etcetera etecera, I cannot think of a single instance when someone told me my writing was bad or that I should give up. In fact, as I search through my memories to writing classes and workshops, I can’t remember anything but kindness, support, and encouragement. So what the fuck? Did I do this to myself? And if so, how did this happen? How, growing up with a father who still says “when are you gonna write that bestseller?” In a completely, “you can do it so you should do it already” way do I still think of my writing as worthless trash? How did all those supportive, kind words go so far astray?

I had a teacher in high school who drove me to and from the UNC Charlotte campus from the boonies of Rowan County every day for two weeks so that I could participate in a writing workshop. A workshop I remember fondly and still have the booklet with our work and the notecards the participants wrote for me (we all wrote something nice for each participant). That seem teacher essentially created a Creative Writing II class at the high school so I could keep taking a creative writing course. My college professor weren’t really any less supportive. My classmates were supportive. But I guess I spent too much time thinking I would never be able to write a poem half as amazing as any poem Jason Mott ever wrote (he wrote The Returned, which was as a TV series for a minute and yes, we went to college together and I was in several classes with him even though I was a couple of years behind him and he is amazing - as a writer, as a poet, and as a person).

She talks about parents telling their kids to be “reasonable” but my dad told me to do my best and as long as I was happy I could be a (and this is a direct quote) “Redundant (unemployed) Siberian Shit-Shoveler from Sheffield” for all he cared. How amazing is that? My mother (so long as she continues to believe I’m straight, I guess, who knows what will happen if she ever figures out I’m definitely not that) thinks the sun shines out my ass and I could do anything I wanted including writing Christmas movies for the Hallmark Channel.

They talk about mean teachers and while I was terrified of Mrs. Teague I don’t remember her ever being discouraging. I had one teacher who wouldn’t call me by my preferred name but her class was also the class that I first truly understood that I wanted to write a book one day (I was in the first grade - about 6 years old) and that’s one of my two clear memories from that class (the other was refusing to answer by my given name instead of my nickname - I wish I still had that spunk 6 year old me had - she was badass). So not her then. My 6th grade English teacher was also a creative writing teacher and she was phenomenal. She chose my essay as a winner so I could be the “Lady” of our medieval castle day. My 7th grade teacher let me stay after school and use his computer to write the story I was supposed to write for his class. It was only supposed to be about five pages, but it was 25 by the time I was done. He even let me turn it in late with no penalty because I was enthusiastic about the project.

I mean seriously, I cannot think of a single villain in my pursuit of the creative except myself.

And isn’t that just a bitch? I can’t be mean to myself about it when I’m supposed to be helping myself heal. I mean beating myself up about it will not do me any good. I wish I had someone to blame though. I wish there was someone I could point to and go “There! That’s it! That’s the moment I started telling myself I could never really write! And it is his/her fault.” It would be so nice to have an external person to blame. But I don’t. And so I’ll just have to find a way to 1) forgive myself and 2) encourage and be kind to myself.

I see a lot more affirmations in my future.

Current Mood: crazy

LORD today - oh Today - you are somethin' else. Lets try again only different this time.

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Kate

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Always Hungry
If they were easy, they'd call them something else.
Facepalm, Facepalm Forever
Fears and Worries
Post Vacation Blues
Work tomorrow and more whining but also a lot to look forward to
Crusher of Dreams
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Page generated Jun. 22nd, 2025 09:13 pm

Confessions of Fangirl

Fangirl all the time

Entries tagged with real life: angst

Always Hungry

If they were easy, they'd call them something else.

Facepalm, Facepalm Forever

Fears and Worries

Post Vacation Blues

Work tomorrow and more whining but also a lot to look forward to

Crusher of Dreams

Please don't take your picture