My Dad Once Told Me "There's no crying in book fairs"

[float_on_alright]

I took a bit of a break from writing yesterday. After shoving my way through my alien story, I needed a breath. I read my ARC of “Bring the Heat” and thoroughly enjoyed it. Then I finished one of the other books from the same series (an older title that I hadn’t read yet that was more of a novella side story than anything else) called “A Tale of Two Dragons” which was super cute. It was great to have a night reading in the beach condo by myself. I mean, mom was in the bedroom but it was still good to have a couple of hours that weren’t “work hours” that I had to myself. I do so love having that. 

We’re back at the house now. It feels weird to think that we were at the beach this morning. We only got home right before 5pm but it feels like we’ve been back for days. I have a feeling that I’ll have the same kind of displacement when I go back to work next week. It’s not a bad gig and it pays so much better than everything else I’ve done my anxiety is also a total fucking bitch (sorry) about that job. I cringe every time I hear a phone ring, even if it isn’t mine. It’s totally ridiculous, I know. But I honestly hear the sound of that phone ring in my nightmares sometimes. There aren't many other jobs where I’d have this kind of time off in the summer or make money without working a billion hours a week or working with a product that I didn’t believe in (at the very least I believe in kids reading) so I don’t know that I want another job. I spent a good portion of Monday’s and Tuesday's these past few weeks looking for jobs to apply to and I can’t say there was anything that I really, really wanted to do. 

And the thing is, my anxiety is going to follow me wherever I go. I like to pretend like it’s the job so that I have something tangible to blame, but I don’t think that’s fair to my work. And my coworkers on a whole aren’t bad. Plus there’s E, who I have a tremendously good time with. If only S weren’t a barnacle, but you can’t win everything. 

I know the problem is that I really want to be writing as a job. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to write full time but to be able to do it part time and work at a library part time would be so amazing. If I’m honest, that’s what I really want for my life. 

Of course, I’m also terrified of going after that goal, but, like I said, anxiety will follow me everywhere. I have to battle it, not avoid things that make it rear up. This workshop has me tied up in knots too, even with the story completed. I’m going to work on editing tomorrow after mom and I have lunch with my sister. 

I need to start exercising again. And start tracking my food again. See if I can’t lose a few pounds. I’m not aiming to be skinny, but I’d like to aim to be a little at risk for diabetes and heart disease, etc. etc. etc. That just seems like a good idea. I hope that going back to work will help me get back into a routine. I also hope that I will have a routine that includes a healthy amount of sleep.