Confessions of Fangirl

I think I managed to give that girl I have a crush on the right number this time. I got to talk to her a little more today which was really fun. I still want to sew my lips shut after about every other sentence, but I will survive. And honestly, the “I don’t know how to make my mouth stop talking to people” is not a new issue. It’s one I’ve had pretty much my whole. I’m working not jumping in when I’m not needed. I’m working on “staying in my own lane” at work, but honestly, it’s a lot of work for me. Once I’m talking, it’s hard for me to stop. It really is.

I’m trying not to obsess, and I’m doing a terrible job of it. I should be in bed by now. I haven’t made my smoothie. I haven’t gotten anywhere near my writing goal words. I haven’t done much of anything that I wanted to do tonight. Well, that’s not entirely true. I did go to the gym where I did a truncated version of my strength training exercises, and I walked/jogged a mile around the track upstairs. That took about an hour, and that’s after the hour and change it took me to get there from work. The traffic seemed even worse than usual this evening, but it might have been because it took me some time to get out this evening and I may have ended up leaving later than usual.

It’s nearly 1am at this point, and I just cannot seem to get myself together which is really frustrating. I’ve been like this for the last couple of days. I don’t mind having a crush, but I feel like that’s part of what has me so distracted and out of sorts.

And I’m going to have to get up in the morning and shower and make my smoothie, and I’m going to be running on little sleep. At least tomorrow is Thursday I guess. I’d like to have the rest of the thank you cards done tomorrow.

I’ve got some pain in one of my hip muscles, and I’m not sure how to fix it. I can’t tell if I just need to stretch it out a little bit or if I’ve actually strained it in some form or fashion. Either one is possible and not unlikely. I’m going to try my heating pad on it while I sleep tonight. That’s probably also part of it. I think I may have forgotten to stretch before I started getting into things today, so there’s a good chance that’s a big part of the issue.

I can’t remember if I’ve complained about this previously, and maybe I have, and perhaps I should talk to someone about this. Especially the person who I feel most frustrated about doing this.

It’s just that some people seem only to contact me when they want to talk about something in their lives or to ask me to do something with them because they want to “catch up” which will inevitably mean I get to spend a few minutes here and there talking about my life or asking for advice or whatever, but I’ll spend several hours listening to them about their stories and giving them whatever advice/commiseration it is that they need. Look, if you can’t honestly just text me every now and then to say “hey, how are you? How’s your day?” without some other ulterior motive, then honestly, I don’t consider you a decent friend (let alone a good one), and you’re taking a lot of my time and energy without replacing any of it, and frankly, I’m pissed about it. I don’t know how to address it without sounding petty and selfish, but why should I expend a ton of my time and energy on you if you honestly can’t give me any of yours?

And don’t expect me to just automatically share with you when I have something going on in my life unless we’ve established a long-term friendship with back and forths. If you don’t care enough about me to occasionally text me “just to see how I’m doing” then I honestly don’t think you deserve any of my life, honestly.

Look, I’m not asking for people to text me every five hours to see how my day is going. But once a week? Yeah, yeah I am. It is not that hard if you’re already texting me a few times a week about the drama in your life for you to spend a little time asking me about how I’m doing.

If we don’t but every couple of months, then obviously, that’s likely a different kind of relationship.

But I just don’t think it’s too much to ask that people who all the time want my support, to ask me about how I’m doing every now and then.

I just really, really don’t.