Nerves and Kinky Books

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I’ve been making notes and working on writing my Statement of Purpose for my grad school application a little most days since I made the decision to try for going back. I know that a lot of my struggling comes from things like fear of rejection, insecurities about my qualifications to go back, and my concerns about taking out more student loans so I’m doing my best to overcome them with continued effort and patience with myself. It’s been a pretty long time since I did something like this. They don’t usually have an essay writing portion of a job application though sometimes it did feel like taking the SAT again with some of the applications I’ve done over the years.

 

Still, I’m a little nervous. I think that’s natural and normal so I’m not worried about my nervousness. It’ll probably increase as time goes on, but right now this just seems like so the right thing to do, so the inevitable thing to do that I’m not nearly as nervous and freaked out as I think I was expecting to feel. Maybe because I did always plan to apply. Maybe because it doesn’t feel real yet. Maybe because I still have so much to do anything has really been submitted yet. It doesn’t matter, I supposed, except that I hope that I continue to feel as I do right now--a little nervous, a little excited, and a little determined.

 

I worked on the thing a little a lunch so I got a few words, but then I got distracted talking to Alyx so I didn’t get anything more than a few words then. Now I’ve spent my night split between listening to a book while playing Pyramid solitaire and texting Karina about the differences between the Percy Jackson books and the Percy Jackson movies (the first one is a crime against literature, humanity, and to movie theaters, just saying) so I haven’t really gotten anything written tonight either.

 

I had hoped to get some written while I was at the desk this evening but between customers and having two teen volunteer interviews to do for the fall, there just wasn’t nearly as much time as I’d like. And then, of course, by the end of that, I was worn out and really only wanted to read. I was able to read all of about five pages of Charity Parkerson’s book that came out yesterday. Normally I would’ve finished a book by her by now, but I feel like I’ve been juggling more than usual and on top of that, this series just hasn’t really appealed to me. Well, that’s not totally true. I loved the first one. Like, YES, loved the first one. It’s super short--like 70 pages--but just such a fun, angsty read. The second one just didn’t do much for me. I finished it pretty quickly, but yeah, I felt kind of “meh” about it. And this one too I’m feeling pretty indifferent towards. I’m sure I’ll finish it eventually. It’s not like there’s any hurry.

 

Part of my slowness is the fact that I’ve been reading a couple of chapters each night in a kink WIP novel by Lyn Gala. I subscribed to her Patreon account because I couldn’t bear to miss out on reading the fourth book in her “Claiming” series and right now it’s only available through her Patreon account, but now that I’m there, I’m into this “Saddled” story she’s following. A few months ago I would’ve bet that I couldn’t get into stories that involved stuff like “daddy kinks” or ‘Pony play’ or ‘Puppy Play’ or what tantamounts to tentacle sex, but I’ve found authors who managed to write these things (not all in one book, but still) into their stories and I’ve still fucking loved them so I guess that just goes to show you that sometimes writing makes all the difference. But anyway, I’m only allowing myself to read a couple of chapters at a time of “Saddled” because the story isn’t complete yet and I don’t want to rush through to the end only to be devastated. That’s like binging a show and then suddenly catching up and having to wait a week for the next episode. I’m hoping that maybe if I’m already rationing myself a little bit that going down to a new chapter every few weeks will be easier. It probably won’t be but it’s worth a try.

 

Well, I have a long day tomorrow and it starts earlier. Night folks.