I Don't Even Know

[float_on_alright]

Anxiety has been riding me hard today. I know I remembered to take my medicine last night, but I’m fairly certain that I forgot it this morning. I’ve been really good about taking it overall, even though this weekend. I drank a lot, well, not compared to what I used to be able to drink, but a lot for me on the medication and living relatively sober. I used to drink several very strong drinks a one or two nights a week and then I might also sprinkle in a couple of ciders or glasses of wine a couple of other nights a week. I’ll admit that I was pretty heavily self-medicating with alcohol, especially on Friday nights, while I was working at Scholastic and before I got on Wellbutrin. I built up a pretty decent tolerance for alcohol doing it too.

 

Sometimes I think I still have that tolerance, but I’m learning now that I don’t. Friday night with a John was a pretty good reminder of that. Everything was fine and I was more or less fine the next day, but I made poor choices. Not the worst I’ve ever made but definitely, not well thought out. Granted my brain did eventually mostly catch up with me or at least enough to make me not do the really dumb thing, but still. Plus as soon as I laid down to go to sleep I didn’t feel well. I tossed and turned a lot and I felt bad because I’m sure I also snored and I don’t have a dainty snore. I have a real chainsaw, suck the roof down my throat snore not for the weak or light sleepers. Even deep sleepers, like my dad, cannot handle the leaf blower noise I make. My sister refuses to share a hotel room with me on trips. It’s just too much.

 

*Later*

 

Unfortunately, I was writing this at work and I didn’t get to finish where I was going with all this and now it’s been about 11 hours and I’m tired and lost. Oh, the rambles.

 

Side note: Book club was great! We had a new person, the venue was a success, and I’m going to work on better advertising and clearer instructions on the meeting place. I am SUPER excited about this.