Sleep Paralysis

[float_on_alright]

 I’ve been working on a story with the idea that it would be my submitted story for my one story a month goal. I stipulated that the story should be at least 1,500 words which sounded like a pretty good, small goal to accomplish at the time. And I’ve definitely written stories that were much (much) longer, so it just seemed like the right balance of challenge and manageability. 

 

So now, of course, that I’m working on this story, it would end up feeling like it's complete right around the 1,300-word mark. *Ugh* I’ve got about 12 days (more like eleven now I guess) before the end of the month to either figure out how to make it longer without making it dumb or write a whole new story. I don’t have as much going on the next couple of weeks (outside of work anyway, work is still busy) as I did the last couple what with the trip to California and the Harry Potter Club evening and all the prep involved for going to California. I feel like there were a number of other things too, but I can’t remember anymore. The last two weeks have gone by in a blur. I want to rewind and do the trip again, of course. I would even do all the hard stuff from the last couple of days again if I meant I could just rewind and experience California again--not that such a thing is an option. It would be pretty cool though, I have to say. 

 

I had nightmares last night. I can’t remember the first few, but after those, I got to that place where you’re sort of between waking and sleeping. You’re awake enough to be aware--sort of--but still too asleep to move or properly understand your surroundings. This kind of thing used to happen to me a lot and I know it’s a common enough occurrence because there are all kinds of ancient superstitions about “waking up” and not being able to move because of evil spirits and shit. I get that because while sometimes it’s just that I can’t move, sometimes it feels like something is holding me down and/or sitting on my chest. One time I dreamed (God, I hope it was a fucking dream *shudder*) a shadow demon type thing with pale yellow eyes was sitting on my chest saying my name. I was eventually able to jerk myself free (and wake fully up), but because you’re vaguely aware while it’s happening, you’re seeing your actual surroundings while you go through the dream. I’m not sure that it explains it well, but I know if you’ve experienced this state, you’ll know what I’m talking about. 

 

I believe it is a specific type of sleeping disorder and I’m very thankful that it’s something that doesn’t happen to me nearly as much as it used to when I was younger. 

 

That said, I had the worst bout of it I’ve had in years. 

 

As I said, I’d just had several other nightmares. I only remember having them, not what they were, but I imagine what happened after sort of eclipsed them in my brain. So I’m “waking up” from the nightmares, but I can’t move. 

 

I can hear myself (and feel myself) snoring. I’m LOUD when it comes to my snoring. It’s intense, especially when I’m sleeping on my back like I was last night so that’s not surprising really. So there I am, asleep enough to still be snoring but aware enough to hear the sound and feel the sensation and understand what it is. Well, that wouldn’t be so bad. I’ve experienced the sleep paralysis enough in my life that simply being unable to wake enough to move my body is more annoying/frustrating/unsettling than it is truly scary. 

 

But I felt like someone was taping me on the arm--not constant just a poke here and there before they dashed away and started giggling. I wanted to think maybe my sister, and her stepdaughter had come over to play a prank on me, but I knew that didn’t really make sense. 

 

Now remember that I am not fully asleep--I can’t move, but I can hear my snoring, and I can feel my lungs expanding and my throat and nasal passages doing that sort of vibrating thing that happens when I snore. I know I am somewhere between sleeping and waking. I know where I am (in bed). I know that my arms are not under the covers but that most of the rest of my body is. I know I’m laying on my back. I know those things because I can feel them or at the very least I remember that’s how I was when I went to sleep and I can tell I haven’t really moved. 

 

I have sensory input THAT IS REAL. I don’t have my sight. I can’t see. But I do have the sensation of “touch,” and I am hearing something real and those senses are lining up with each other. I start trying to scream. I can feel my throat trying to make the noise, but there isn’t much coming out--just barely audible whimpers and the laughing seemed to increase like it was some sort of game. 

 

To say I was deeply unsettled is an understatement. I was eventually able to shake myself out of it. I read an article or something recommending trying to move one small body part (like a toe or two) to help jerk you out of the state, which sometimes works for me. The thing I do most often (which is what I did last night) is attempt to rock my upper body. Eventually, it worked, but it felt like I was trapped there for a really long time. 

 

When I did finally wake up all the way, there wasn’t anything in the room with me, and there weren’t any people in the room or even outside the house. I woke up about thirty minutes after I first laid down and closed my eyes and needless to say it took awhile for me to be able to go back to sleep. 

 

So yeah, I’m super tired. I did get to do a little working on my story at work today which may be all the more I get done today. I feel like I’m crashing and I still have some clean up to do.