Mostly Ranting about Dating

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I didn’t sleep very well last night which left me feeling raw and a little edge-y today and I hated it. I hate feeling that way. I felt so good yesterday and the day before that. I think I found it all the more frustrating to feel cranky today because of how good I felt the last two days. The contrast was annoying. 

I keep thinking that today is the last day of November which is sort of funny because I’ve been feeling that the year has been going by way too fast and that it needs to slow the fuck down so that I can keep up with it. I cannot keep up with it. Or at least it sort of feels like I can’t and all the things I have coming up feel like they are coming up much, much too soon. 

I need to check to make sure the books I was setting aside to take the assisted living place I’m going to in December are still where I left them a week or so ago. They should be but I forgot to put a note on them and they’re in the office I rarely spend time in. 

I’ve been at this job a month and in some ways I feel like an expert and in others I still feel like a total novice. It’s a strange sort of feeling because… well it’s more like two opposing sensations sitting in the same container both mixing and not mixing together a little like oil and water. In some ways, it’s like I’ve been there no time at all and since I’ve been there for just over two months at this point, that would be the most accurate summation of my situation. On the other hand, I also feel like I’ve fallen easily into the mix of people and work and I feel as though I’ve been working with these people for years. It’s been so easy to make work friends with these people. Not close friends, but work friends and that’s definitely an important distinction of course, but I feel like eventually some of them will be real life friends as well as co-workers. It just takes a little longer than a couple of months. 

I think one of my coworkers wants me to hook me up with her daughter. Which is… sort of hilarious. Like, if she wanted to hook me up with her son, I’d probably be like “uhhhh, thanks but no thanks” but since it’s her daughter, I think I might be willing to go along with this. The thing is, a dude may not be interested in me but asking a straight girl (or a queer woman in the closet) on a date can cause all kinds of hell. It is so much harder to date women. Gay men, from my understanding, really don’t have these kinds of issues. Now, they have a whole different set of difficulties to work through and I in no way, shape or form, want to dismiss those things, but I’m not just talking about those things at the moment. See if women go to the gay bar or club, there is pretty much guaranteed to be a large number of straight women there who are there to hang out with their gay guy friends or just get a break from the clubs filled with straight men (sorry, not sorry dudes; far too many straight guys are too awful for women to want to deal with any of you any more than they have to for their work lives—putting up with you in their relaxing time would literally be torture). So while the likelihood of a guy in a gay bar being gay is extremely high, the likelihood of a girl in a gay bar/club being gay is probably around the one third chance. Straight guys and closeted guys—for the most part—make spectacle about being straight. Women, on the other hand, don’t often to make a fuss about being straight (until they’re asked out by a woman) and queer women often feel they have to be very careful about being out (at least in the conservative south US where I live). 

I know that’s kind of a lot of rambling, but I guess my point is that it really isn’t hard for me to get a date with a dude if I want one, but I struggle with how to go about getting a date with a girl. I don’t know why I feel like have to justify why I’m okay being set up with a girl when I’m not typically interested in getting set up with a guy. Maybe it makes me feel like that means I’m not “Bi” enough or something. Like, someone will think I’m obviously not REALLY interested in men since I don’t want to be set up with a random one I’ve never met but I would be okay with chatting with a girl I’ve never met meaning I must, therefore, be a lesbian. I’ve had a lot of people tell me I’m really straight or I’m really gay and that I need to “pick a side” or “stop pretending to like women to impress guys” (gross, just fucking stop) or whatever and it irritates the shit out of me. I don’t know who I’ll end up with (if I end up with anyone at all), but my attraction to someone has never been limited or restricted by gender or gender expression. However, each gender comes with pitfalls different from the others so the way I approach dating someone certainly can be influenced by that person’s gender. Those two things are not the same. 

Okay, rant over. 

Also, there is a super cute girl in the children’s department. She works there part time and for the love of God I so want to find a way to get to know her better. *Insert giant sigh* Wish me luck. 

Maybe tomorrow I’ll rant about how I think my dad is trying to set me up with my friend John.