float_on_alright: kate bishop with her head on a desk in exasperation (asdf)
[personal profile] float_on_alright
 

I wrote a bit earlier in the day about having a to do list. I went ahead and posted it because I got distracted in the middle of it and now so much time has passed that I’m in a different state of mind than I was when I started it. I guess I want to start fresh now.

 

The anxiety has been kind of rough the last 24 hours or so which sucks. I’ve just had some chamomile tea and that seems to have helped some. I think part of it was how little I slept on Thursday night… or rather Friday morning. I only only got a few hours.

 

One of the big things right now is this damned Lit Mag Love course. Every time I think about it, I just get all out of sorts. I need to have everything in the four modules done by July 10th and I’m already like four weeks into the class and I haven’t even finished module 2 yet. I’m stuck on this posting the first page of a story that will be a submission story. I just feel like nothing I’ve written is going to qualify for this thing and I keep getting blocked when I try to write something new for it. And when I do write it’s for a book that I am actually liking a lot that I’ve been posting my chapters to on my other workshop course. Which means I’ve spent 0 time working on short stories at the moment when I really need to.

 

I think I may start working on my Mrs. Claus story for the Lit Mag Love thing. I just need to get enough reworked that I can submit the first page. That doesn’t sound like a lot but it feels like a major thing. It feels like this two ton cement block sitting on my sternum is what is feels like.

 

And it sucks. It just really, really sucks. I hate this. I hate this so much. I have feeling this way. I’ve been trying to sit with it and recognize what’s going on in my head and soothe myself and tell myself it’s all going to be okay and I just need to work on it. It helps a little I guess. Granted, maybe if I’d actually start working on the project like I’ve been telling myself, I might get over all this completely.

 

I also need to remind myself that a lot of times when I’ve been dealing with these different things, I’ve felt worse before I’ve felt better, that sometimes when you start digging into your mental wellbeing and what’s fucking with it, it sucks and then it gets better if you keep at it. I just need to keep at it.

 

I wanted to do “extra” writing today to get closer to my writing goal for the month but I may just do the “minimum.” I haven’t gotten to watch last night’s Wynonna Earp episode so it would be nice to get the writing done and then lay in bed and watch Wynonna and then go to sleep. I won’t be setting an alarm for the morning that’s for sure. I think I need to sleep a little longer with no alarm than I have been the last few days.

 

I had wanted to talk more about how fun last night was, because it really was but the only other thing I feel like talking about right now is how thankful I am that I’m not feeling depressed. The anxiety sucks, it really, really does but it’s not depression. Anxiety is a bitch but depression is lethal. So if I was going to have to battle either of them, I’m glad it’s anxiety. I can battle this. I can deal with this. Even if it means I need to use the medicine again - battles take weaponry. I’d like this to be a fistfight, but if my opponent has a sword, I’d better have one too.


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Kate

September 2017

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