Fun with Drugs

I didn’t do any writing yesterday. None at all. I was exhausted. In a brain-dead kind of way. It’s been a crazy few weeks and the steroid is still messing with my brain. My thoughts keep sliding sideways out of my head. I start sentences and halfway through I’ve lost all track of where I was. It’s sort of hilarious, but it’s also frustrating. It makes writing damn near impossible too because I can’t follow what my characters are doing and thinking. So yeah, by the time I got settled at my sister’s and the girls were in bed, I just didn’t have any brain-wrangling powers left. I hate that I have another day on the calendar that I didn’t write, but it is what it is at this point. All I can do is try again today. The dosage is a little smaller each day, and I think the lower the dose the less I’m affected. I definitely don’t feel as amped up today as I did yesterday and the day before yesterday when it was six all at once was definitely the most intense. 

I’ve been whining about it, but I also have to admit that it’s kind of fun in a way too. I’m so happy and excited. I mean I love Christmas, this is absolutely my favorite time of year so it stands to reason that I’m already going to be in a decent mood. But why not intensify that good feeling, honestly? It’s a struggle to focus, that’s for sure and I curse more (I think it’s that I forget to censor myself the way I normally would) which is a bit of an issue at work. Those things aren’t great, but I’m in a really good mood about all of it. 

People are also sad for me because I’m having to wear the boot for work and such again (for a little bit), but there’s part of me that’s relieved. My ankle was just in so much pain nearly all the time, I didn’t know how I was going to keep bearing it. I could have taken painkillers, but I hate doing that and I didn’t want to take something that was going to mask the signs of further injury. Also, I just wanted to be fine. I wanted to be healed and okay. Being back in the boot means I’m not healed, and that sucks, but my ankle hardly ever hurts at all in the boot. My foot doesn’t hurt either. I move around at whatever pace I want. It’s a little cumbersome, but I’ve learned to cope with that and I can handle it. I can walk fast with the boot on without fear of pain, and for work, I really need that. I push myself because I want to be fine and because I think I should be fine, but I’m not fine. The great thing about the boot is that it allows my ankle to “rest” without me having to slow down at work (which means I don’t have to push more work onto my coworkers). I’m about to be off for five days in a row, which will be good. I’ll 

Is it ideal? No, of course not. I need to keep doing my exercises to strengthen my foot and ankle. I have to remember that I did serious damage. 

When I first did it, and I went down, I knew that I was in trouble. The pain was such that I knew it was going to be a long road to recovery. I didn’t think my foot was broken, but I knew in the deepest parts of my heart and mind that it was going to be a long road to recovery. People were very flippant about “sprained ankles” and “not broken” etcetera, but I knew, deep in my soul no matter how much I wanted to deny it, that I was going to be struggling for a while. The doctor said my foot will never be the same, and I don’t know what that means yet. And I need to give my body time to find it’s new normal. 

I had the accident over two months ago. It’s been a long road and it seems like the end of the road isn’t in sight yet, but I am better and I can hold onto that.