Emotions are the Worst(TM)

I’m in one of those moods where all I want to do is read. It’s compulsive, and my feelings about it are beyond intense. I know I get this way, especially when I’m feeling stressed or anxious about my real life in some way and I think there are a number of things in the “things causing Kate anxiety” list. 

First, there’s a new program I’m supposed to be leading Tuesday night that I haven’t done before and that I think I’ll mostly be doing on my own. I do have a bit of time to figure some stuff. Hopefully, Hayley will be back tomorrow, and she can help me get ready. There may also be time for us to work on it Tuesday since it’s not until the evening, but I’m hoping that I don’t have to leave it that late because that’s not good for my anxiety. 

Second, we’re coming up on my first Summer Break, which is the Summer Reading program for the library. We’re doing lots of extra programs--about three times as many as usual--over the next two and half months for teens which means I’ll be doing a lot more than usual. And on top of that, extra stuff going on at the hospital and I’m feeling more than a little overwhelmed with the programming and outreach events coming up. There’s a ton we intend to do that we haven’t actually planned HOW to do yet which means even more pressure on my little anxious heart. 

Third, there’s the England trip to consider. I’m looking forward to it, but I’m stressed about paying for it and getting the time off and about a million other details. 

Fourth, I’m planning to go up and visit John in June, and I just… I know I love him as a friend. I know that. But there was a time when I just plain loved him, and I don’t know how I really feel about him now. It’s all a jumble of nostalgia and friendship, and when I’m with him, it’s just so easy to imagine that we could be together. But I just… I don’t know how he feels or what he thinks and I don’t want to ask him when I don’t even know how I feel or what I think. It’s all a mess and a jumble. 

Not to mention, he broke my heart the last time I fell in love with him. I hadn’t told him, and I don’t know whether he realized I had or not but I had, and then he went and … well, I don’t know if he was in love with her but he cared about her a lot, and they were dating for a long time or at least it seemed like it at the time. Not long after that, there was another, and I think he really did love her. She had to move back to France, and he spent all his time and money traveling back and forth to see her. There was one night he sent me a picture of an engagement ring, but I don't think he ever bought it. Still, it seemed like something he was seriously considering. They didn't work out either; he's single now. At least, I'm pretty sure he's single now. I haven't asked, but he's usually pretty quick about telling me when he's into someone because he often wants advice on how to approach things. 

I never blamed him for the heartbreak. I was never angry with him, not really. I remember being sad and frustrated and well, crushed, but I didn't get upset with him about it. It was just something that happened, and it wasn't his fault, and it wasn't mine. So I moved on, and I got over it. Although with all these emotions welling up the way they are, maybe I'm not as over it as I'd like to believe. 

I don't know. I... just... don't know. And I don't know how to figure it out except to keep poking and my mind and my emotions which I hate doing so yeah, I guess I'm going to stay buried in my books a bit longer.