Sep. 23rd, 2017

float_on_alright: clint doesn't want spoilers (clint doesn't like spoilers)
I’m doing that thing I do where I do nothing but rewatch fave bits of TV shows and listen to books I’ve already read. I did read a couple of new books this week, but they were books I was relatively certain I’d enjoy. Granted, I don’t read anything that I think won’t have a happy ending or at least a mostly happy ending. I don’t mind a series every now and then, but I do really prefer to each book to have a decent ending. I prefer series that follow a group of people so that each book can focus on new people. I don’t read much that isn't romance. Actually, I’m not sure that I read anything that doesn’t have some sort of romance in it somewhere. I mean except a few picture books and there might be a few middle grade books that didn’t have some sort of crush situation going on in them. Not that middle grade books have a romance per se, but there are sometimes little cute crush things happening. 

Right now I’m watching Grimm. Season five, of course. The other night I watched about three episodes of season five so I just picked up there tonight. I love Nick and Adalind, as I mentioned a million times. Of course I also have such a crush on Trubel. She has a sexy voice, like oh my GOD it kills me when she speaks. She has this sort of, I don’t know, like smoky, rasp quality to her voice that just gets to me. She's in the episode I’m watching which is nice. I don’t think she showed up until season 3 and she isn’t in all the episodes of any season, I don’t think. I remember the first time they sent her on her way, I was super disappointed and I thought they might not bring her back. I have to say I was really, really glad when they did. Not just ‘cause I have a crush on her though. Her character is wonderful and badass and after everything she still has such a big fucking heart. And the sort of parent/child relationship that happens with Nick and Trubel is one of my favorite things. 

It’s still surprising to me that Adalind and Nick ended up getting together. I mean, it’s been ages since the finale and I’m still surprised and thrilled about it. There is a part of me who wants to go back to the beginning of everything and watch from the start, but there is so much I want to watch and all the shows will be starting back up here in a minute which I’m sure will start eating my show time. I’m curious what I’m going to be watching with mom. So many shows have great gay characters now and it’s AMAZING but mom will bitch about it and talk about how it’s the Devil’s work and blah, blah, blah and I hate listening to it. Which means I usually try to watch those without her so I can actually enjoy the characters in peace. 

There really aren’t any canon gay characters on Grimm that I can remember which is odd for me. Granted I love Leverage too and there aren’t any canon gay characters there either. Both shows I picked up before I got into this “But is it gay?” Attitude I’ve developed in the last couple of years so maybe that makes a difference too. People recommend me things and I literally just ask “but is it gay?” Granted, the whole thing doesn’t necessarily have to be gay centric but if there isn’t at least one well-developed gay character alive and well involved, I’m probably not going to pick it up. And if they kill a gay, I’m pretty much out. I don’t care if there is still one gay on the show, the percentage of dead gay characters is just too high. 

I get recommendations for books and sometimes it’s hard from the cover to tell if it’s gay or not. And some of them might have queer side characters but I can only ready so many books because I only have so much time to read and if I can’t tell there are queer characters in the story from the description and you aren’t already one of my favorite authors I'm probably not going to read it. I buy every gay book I can possibly afford. I’ll probably never read all of them but I’d like to contribute towards as many authors writing queer stories as I can possibly manage. I feel like the more I can support authors writing queer stories, the better. Things don’t get made if there isn’t profitability in them. It’s a sad truth of almost all things -- if not all things. When you see research on medical stuff it’s almost always for “treatments” not “cures” because there is more money in the long term treatment than an outright cure. So if I can help get more queer lit made and more gay shows on TV I’m going to do it. 

Well, that was a ramble. 

It’s funny to me, though, how insist I am about having gay storylines. I guess because I’m bi or pan or whatever that I think it shouldn’t matter to me what kind of stories get told. And there are still a few authors who write predominately about heterosexual relationships that I still like. I still love Shelly Laurenston and Molly Harper, though I’m hoping they’ll add more queer characters of course. I was thrilled that Nalini Singh has a couple of gay characters in her latest book and I am desperate to see more of them. I’m curious if she’ll give them their own book, a short story, or build them over other characters’ books similarly to the way they were set up in Silver Silence. I’d love to see them get their own book, but I don’t think that will be what happens. I expect they’ll develop in the background of other characters’ stories and I’m okay with that because they’re there and they’re wonderful. It would be amazing though if they could get a novella. I would LOVE THAT. 

But I still feel like, as someone who is Cisfemale and is attracted to men (even I’m not attracted to ‘just’ men), that I would be just as good with het romance novel as LGBTQIA romance novel, but on a whole? I’m not. My TV/movie ships are a mix, though I think I probably have more queer ones than het ones, but when it comes to the romance novels I heavily, heavily prefer LGBT+ stories. And I’m pretty in the middle as far as my interest in real people go. My current celebrity crushes (I don’t have any real life crushes at the moment) are like three dudes, two girls, and one non-binary person. I guess it is what it is, and it doesn’t really matter, but I just find it curious. 

Being bi/pan is weird. There’s such a pervasive “you need to pick” attitude in society. I mean, my family is “you are straight or we will get you spiritual help” types, but outside of the “you have to be straight” culture is the “you need to pick” culture. I think so much of the gay/trans arguments against the persistent straight culture is that gay people are born that way and they can’t choose to be interested in a person of another gender. When someone is bi, I think it makes them feel like maybe their argument is being invalidated or something. 

The thing is, that’s not true. 

Some people do start with “bi” and work towards “gay.” I think especially for women it can be hard to figure out that you really aren't interested in men because society makes it almost impossible to see any other options. Some women think their interest in men is real because of all the crap media forces down their throats. When they realize they’re attracted to women, they think they must be bi or pan or something like that until they get through enough of the BS of the media to see that they aren’t, in fact, interested in men at all. Stuff like that definitely happens and it’s perfectly valid to go through that process. 

I can’t count how many times I’ve thought “maybe I’m really straight” because I’ve just seen some handsome dude and wanted very much to climb him like a tree. Then I’ll see an attractive woman and it’s like, “nope, definitely not straight; nowhere near the vicinity of straight, not even on the same planet as straight.” The opposite happens A TON. I’ll think, “maybe I’m really just gay” and I’ve been brainwashed by society to think I’m attracted to men. And then I see a guy so hot, I can’t breathe. I hate how often I have that question. I hate how often I doubt myself even though I’ve been interested in just about everyone since I played “doctor” with the boy across the street and “house” with the girl next door as an eight year old. I hope that one day I won’t question myself on this any more. That I won’t feel crazy and like I’m straddling some invisible line or balancing on a fence trying to figure out which grass is greener when it’s really all the same damn grass… or at least equally appealing grass… or something. 

I need to go to bed. 


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