Fears and Worries

I’ve been struggling to write the last few weeks. I do my morning pages okay but I haven’t done well with my story writing. Some of it has been being busy. I spent a good chunk of time this week on stuff that isn’t normally on my schedule: hair cut, lit mag once a month call, prepping for my interview. I feel like this is always where I get overwhelming busy. And actually, work wise I haven’t gotten to the busiest part of my year yet. That will start in another couple of weeks. September through until Thanksgiving is just hell on wheels, a train barreling on unstable tracks and you may or may not get the tracks completed before the train gets to the pass meaning safety or a fiery, fiery death for everyone. 

I know that’s a little dramatic. It feels authentic even if it is a little extra. Keep in mind that over 40% of my fall business is in October (this means 90 something events) which I have to get ready for in September. But then another good chunk (something around 25% or 30%) of my fall business is in November which I need to get ready for in October when nearly half of my other fairs are running. I am not kidding when I say I’ve been dancing on the cliff of suicide by mid-October every year for the last three years. You’d think that knowing what’s coming would help me prepare for it or deal with or something, but so far that hasn't been the case yet. 

I think my brain has been subconsciously fearing that for the last couple of weeks, basically since we started back at work. Knowing how hard last year hit me and how I really wasn’t much better the year before I just didn’t really tell anyone about it. I don’t know how many times I thought about checking myself in somewhere. More than I could count or track for sure. I’m scared of being there again, terrified really. There’s a lot to like about my job but I’m not sure I’ve ever put into words how badly in messes with my mental health sometimes. I mean, I know a large part of it is my own brain and how I’ve treated myself in the past and I’m way better about those things right now, but I don’t know how well I’ll hold up my defenses once the real insanity hits and the goal pushing starts and the berating about goals and the listening to calls with corporate people etc. etc. etc. 

Anyway, I think all this fear and stress is blocking me creatively. I’m having a hard time creating the feeling of “safety” (I can’t think of a better word though I don’t think that’s exactly the right one) enough to get past all the crap in my head. I want to get there. And I’ll try again tomorrow. I’m hoping that writing about it tonight will help me face it better tomorrow.