Emotionally tired

 

My efforts to keep my time on Facebook to a reasonable level have been, well not great. Though I think I am doing a little better. I have a hard time finding the line between keeping up with all the new coronavirus information for the purpose of helpfulness and looking into it too much. Once I ran into a video about what is happening to the lungs of many people because of the virus and I had to nope the fuck out. What I saw still haunts and terrifies me. I don’t want to be someone panicking but I also don’t want to be someone who isn’t taking this issue seriously. Some of these people being flippant or acting like they’re so put upon and how the government is overstepping, etc. make me so angry. I get not trusting the government to an extent (there are lots of horrible people in government), but I do trust the actual scientific results and medical experts and they’re the ones pushing this. Anyone who thinks this is “not a big deal” obviously either a sociopath who gives no fucks about anyone but themselves and their own well-being, or an idiot (or not paying attention, I guess). 

I don’t know. 

I tried to take a “meditative walk” today, and that didn’t go well. I tried, I really did, but I just couldn’t get my head to slow down or pull away from the racing thoughts about this virus getting to me and family, the concern I have for my job, and my general stress about school (while it simultaneously played “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” in the background, because obviously my brain has to have a totally unrelated song playing on repeat at all times). So after thirty minutes of that approach, I decided I just take a regular old exercise walk. I didn’t power walk, but I tried to walk quickly and get my heart rate up. I listened to some peppy music with a fast beat. That worked much better. I was able to get out of my head a lot more that way than the other. Maybe one day I’ll be able to walk meditatively, but I think I’ll need some more practice before I get there. I probably also shouldn’t have tried for such a long period of time as far as the meditation part went. I’m still only at a “10” minute-ish at best for a seated meditation period so why I thought a 30-minute walk would go well, I don’t know. I guess I thought that since I was walking I’d be able to focus on the walking, but my head was just too busy to focus on “the feeling of breeze” and “the coordination of my muscles as I walk” or whatever.

I think I may try to work in some more meditation though, in general. It’s a goal of mine in general in my life to meditate more, and I have periods of success and periods of negligence. I suppose that’s how life is for a lot of people when attempting to build positive habits. If ever there was a time try again to build those positive habits, now would be the time.