(no subject)

I got some of my medical bills today, and they’re worse than I thought they’d be. I’m trying not to stress about it too much. If I make some calls, I’m sure I can get on a payment plan and it’ll be okay. It just sucks because I was feeling really stressed about money already and now it’s feeling worse. It’s going to be fine. I just need to take the steps to get a payment plan set up for the medical stuff. I have to pay for my car tax and the inspection too, obviously. I have to pay two months of rent.

It’s going to be better once mom pays me what she owes me which is a pretty big chunk. Everything is still going to be tight. Especially with birthday and Christmas presents for my entire family. I mean that literally. Dad’s birthday was a week ago, but he was still in England and I had no idea what to get him. I’m still not sure. He says he thinks he wants to have his ear re-pierced and get a Manchester United earring. I told him--after talking with my sister--that if that’s what he really wants, one of us would pay to have his ear re-pierced and the other would get him a Manchester United earring.

I don’t know how I feel about dad having an earring again. I think the one earring thing is sort of ridiculous. I mean, if you’re going to pierce your ears, it kind of seems like you should do both of them. That’s just my opinion. I’ll grant you that it doesn’t matter what I think and I don’t intend to tell my father that I think it’s ridiculous. He had one back in the day when I was probably about 8 or so, but then he took it out and let it seal over because the earring thing wouldn’t work with the work he was doing at the time. I am surprised he’s thinking about getting it redone though. I wouldn’t have thought that was something he missed, but maybe he’s having a bit of a crisis now that he’s retired and not got anything but TV watching, dog walking, and sessions at the gym ahead of him for what might years to come.

But if that’s what he wants, that’s something easy and relatively affordable. It’s certainly something Chels and I could manage.

And, I found out yesterday afternoon that I got accepted to the grad school I’d chosen! I’m actually surprised at how quickly I heard back. I mean, I guess I had to have time to figure out all the financial aid stuff. But the deadline for applying for spring was November 1st and I just figured that it would take longer than that to hear back. I was checking my email on my days off even though I told myself I likely wouldn’t hear for a while longer. I’m still so shocked that I heard back so fast. Everything I read about grad school applications was that it would take weeks to hear back. I don’t think it’s been a full three weeks since I got all of my paperwork and information in. Actually, looking at the receipt for my transcripts from my college (which was the last thing I needed to get) I ordered them October 17th which was just barely over two weeks before I got accepted. I just… I mean, yeah, I think I’m right for the program and the program is right for me. I believe with my whole heart that I’m absolutely supposed to do this, to be a librarian. But it’s hard to think sometimes that other people will see that in me too.

I think my coworkers see it. I’m just so continuously insecure and it’s frustrating.

Regardless, I’m excited and honored that I got a response so quickly.

I’ve accepted and enrolled and filled out my FASFA paperwork. I’m not 1000% sure what my next steps are, but if it doesn’t become clear early next week, I do have a phone number to call. I suspect that I won’t have to call. It takes a little time to process enrollment and all that and since I technically did it on a Friday, I’m guessing it’ll be Monday or Tuesday before all the paperwork lands on the right desks.

School is another big expense and I don’t know exactly know what loans are going to be available to me and I really need to look into possible scholarship money as well. All within the next month or so.

I swear that every time I think that my life is going to “go back to a normal pace” something happens that makes me feel like it’s been upended again. I think the truth is that whatever pace I’m imagining that my life is going to be, just isn’t going to happen. It’s always going to be something. And now I’m going back to school. JFC I’m scared. I’m so nervous that I won't be able to keep up with the work or my work at work and I’m going to fail at all of it. I’m so freaked out. Everyone tells me not to be, but I don’t know how to turn that worry off.

Which swings me back around to my “I’m consuming all the comfort media I can cram at every possible turn.” My shoulders are a mess of tension, and I’ve gained like fifteen pounds.

I also realized I’m a little touch starved. I mean I knew that intellectually, but when my friend Jonathan gave me a hug the other day, it just really, really struck me how badly I needed that contact. I know a lot of it is because I’m used to living with my folks and they’ve been gone for weeks. I’m so not ready to have them around constantly again, but I definitely don’t have the money to move out right now and I am looking forward to getting regular hugs again. That is a thing I need in my life.

I’ll figure all this out. I have faith in myself and the world and God and my family and I know it’s all going to be okay somehow. I’m just stressed.

I just checked my HSA and I have… way more money in there than I realized. Holy shit. I think all my medical expenses so far this year are covered by it. Maybe I’ll still owe a little out of my other money, but holy shit. I thought I’d used all of it, but no.

See, self? Everything is going to be okay.