Denial and Bargaining, but Mostly Denial

I’ve been trying to write a bit and it hasn’t been going particularly well today. I’m not surprised, I’m caught up in “The Host” in my head and it’s hard for me to write when I’m really obsessing about a fictional world. The only exceptions are sometimes if I’m writing fanfic in whatever world I’m obsessed with at that particular moment. Right now I’m furiously obsessed with Wanda and Ian. Especially Ian. As much as I love fictional characters with a passion that is questionable in regards to my mental wellbeing, it’s rare for me to say that I want to marry a character, but if there is a character out there I could marry it would be Ian O’Shea. I mean, he’s obviously meant to be with Wanda. They are fated and destined and all that other shit. But if I could pick a fictional character to base my future spouse on, it would be him, no question. Although, I think in reality I’m more likely to be attracted to someone like his asshole brother Kyle. I do have a tendency to go for assholes. 

When I’m not obsessing over how much I love Ian O’Shea or fighting myself over how impatient I am to get to the end of the book (again), I’m obsessing about Wynonna Earp. It’s my favorite shoooowww and I’m dying. It’s not going to be the same without Dolls and it would appear that they’re really taking him off the show, that Shamier really decided to leave the show. I am just so upset about that. I love Dolls. I shipped the hell out of him and Wynonna. I still do, of course, and I’ll be writing fics with the two of them soon I’m sure. I doubt I’ll be able to resist writing at least one fix it fic. The only reason I haven’t written one yet is that I’m still deeply in denial that they aren’t going to bring him back. There is still a deep, deep part of me that believes that he’s not gone for good and that he will be back on the show in another episode or two. So I imagine, if he’s really, really not back in another couple of episodes that I’ll finally accept that he’s not coming back and at that point, I’ll write a fic. I’m just not convinced he’s dead, dead. 

I was reading about legends and there’s a phoenix-like bird in some mythologies that was also associated with a dragon. I think it was Chinese. Agent Dolls is often called a dragon. He breathes fire and has weird lizard-y eyes when he loses his control or hasn’t had his drugs in a while. I was watching the episode where the ghostly US Marshalls were chasing Doc and no one could touch the apparitions except Dolls. Doc went to punch the leader and his fist went through the guy just like whatever it was Jeremy through at him did. On the other hand, Dolls’s fist landed right on the guy’s face in the middle of the ghostly dude’s speech about how “nothing from this earthly world” could touch him. Xavier Dolls has to be special because even Doc who was still wearing his special immortality ring couldn’t hit the guy. They make it about them both being Marshalls and honorable men, and maybe about the experimentation that was done on him by the Black Badge Decision, but I think if he’s able to touch someone who shouldn’t be touchable, if he can touch someone who can’t be touched by anything earthly, then Dolls has to be something a little bit more. And I refuse to think that he could be killed so easily. I know they’ve gone on and on about how all the other people who underwent that experimentation died, but Eliza got shot in like the head--it’s pretty hard to come back from that. And we don’t know how the rest of them went, we only have the word of that one guy that they’re dead at all. 

I know Shamier Anderson has two movies coming out soon and maybe he couldn’t make the filming schedule work, but both of those movies are pretty much done as far as acting goes and he has no other upcoming projects listed. I mean, maybe he decided he’d move to L.A. and spend more time working on auditions and whatnot there, but lots of actors move to filming locations for filming and then live elsewhere during the rest of their time. 

It’s probably that I’m going to have to accept his death soon. Intellectually, I really do understand that. I just… can’t help but hope. And considering that it’s the kind of show where anything is possible and he wouldn’t be the first character to be raised from the dead--not by a long stretch--I just can’t stop believing that he’ll somehow be back. I guess we’ll see. Otherwise, I’m writing that phoenix from the ashes story.