Confessions of Fangirl

Return to Journaling

2021-06-08T04:08:01Z

I decided when I was randomly creating goals in my writing dot com account today (for the first time in a year or two) that I was going to journal at least five minutes a day this week. Honestly, I’ve been meaning to start journaling and writing again. I really do want to start writing some fanfiction again. I’ve been bouncing around some thoughts in my head about Carson Drew and Ryan Hudson on Nancy Drew. I mean, COME ON. I know the show is going for the whole, “Carson will be the dad Ryan never had!” But all I’m seeing is, “Carson is about to be Ryan’s Daddy and Ryan is going to learn to be his baby boy.” I’ve been reading a lot of D/s, Daddy/boy (not so much on the age play thing, but otherwise), and dark incest erotica lately. Granted, I started shipping them A WHILE ago so it’s probably more shipping them that’s influencing my reading choices more so than the other way round. But it’s hard to break back into writing after a long break. I thought journaling might be the way to go. I saw a thing saying you could change your life in 8 minutes a day and one of those minutes was supposed to be for journaling, and I like that concept, but how much can you really journal in 1 minute? I chose 5 and my timer just ended. Anyway, I should probably have made it 10 minutes, and I did think about doing that, but it felt intimidating at the time. Ten minutes seems like a long time even though it really, really isn’t. I’d thought about doing a word count goal too, and while that might be something I work back up to eventually, I decided setting a timer and just letting go was the best option for returning. I guess we’ll see how this all goes.

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My Head Hurts

2020-11-06T00:54:47Z

Brain dump time. I’m feeling stuck on a school assignment. Actually, I don’t know if stuck is the right word, exactly, maybe overwhelmed. There’s so much to choose from and I’m just feeling like everything is too much and I read things but I don’t process things. I was doing okay. I did manage to finish a short essay last night that’s due on Friday so I’m glad about that. Not that I’ll be posting it just yet. I probably need to make a few more edits. I say that, but really it’s just the fearful procrastinator in me who wants everything to be beyond reproach or not done at all because then I won’t be “rejected.” If you don’t try, your grade isn’t a reflection of your efforts, which is an absolutely lousy way to live. I don’t want to keep living that way. I’m always afraid that people will laugh at me and reject me. I love people who say “other people’s opinions don’t matter!” I’m not saying they’re wrong, I’m just saying that my brain and feelings absolutely care about what other people think, and when they reject me the pain is unbearable. I don’t know how to tell you that I can’t stop that reaction, that no amount of prep work or platitudes makes that pain any less. I don’t think people who don’t have Rejection Sensitivity get it. I really don’t think they understand at all. I wish I didn’t feel this way. It’s an awful, awful feeling to have. Any little bit of criticism or perceived rejection is devastating and debilitating. Okay, maybe not “any,” but it definitely doesn’t take much to send me into a spiral of self-hatred and grief all because someone else said they didn’t like something I made or said or did. Logically I know I can’t make everyone like me. Logically I know that I shouldn’t even care if someone people don’t like me. Not to mention that if someone doesn’t like something I did, that doesn’t mean that they don’t like me personally. Lots of time it’s not personal, or at least it isn’t personal to them. It always feels personal to me.

Okay, probably more later, but time has run out for this.

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I would like to hit pause on the world—please and thank you

2020-09-14T17:04:34Z

I want to write, though I'm not sure what I want to write. I've noticed I feel better when I'm writing. I haven't tried to write any original fiction lately, but I haven't been interested in it anyway. I haven't been interested in reading recently, which is sad for me because it is typically one of my great loves. I haven't read a book in over a month, actually, which is incredibly rare for me. I haven't even been rereading anything or listening to any books in the car when I'm driving. I do read for school, of course, but those are articles mostly and some textbooks. It's not the same thing as a novel, and it's definitely not for fun. Reading the textbook is not relaxing, I can tell you that for sure. Some of the articles are pretty rough too. The reading is interesting, that's for sure. It's hard to be motivated to do anything right now, school-wise. I can't count how many times I've gone to work on a project or assignment when suddenly my brain shuts down and acts like it's never heard of such a thing as writing a paper or making a PowerPoint or Google Slide presentation. It's frustrating. I also feel like I'm the kind of person who has to be under the gun to get anything done, and the adrenaline is the only thing getting me through my big projects. At the same time, I'm so tired from work and the pandemic and the general exhaustion of attempting to have some sort of semblance of mental and emotional wellbeing that I feel like my well of adrenaline is dried up. It's hard to get the fear of consequences going to produce adrenaline when my body is constantly on edge just from being alive. I don't know how to work around this. I have so many things due in the next week and a half, and every time I think about them, my brain sort of shuts down--just turns into TV static. I need to get in contact with the Student with Disabilities campus people. The sooner I do that, the better, but of course, that feels like another overwhelming thing that I don't understand how to do. I know it starts with a simple phone call to their department, but it seems like they're going to want paperwork and validation from my doctors, and that sounds so ridiculously hard and exhausting even though I have no idea if that is or isn't true. I don't know. I want to do well, but I don't wanna do anything either. It's a bit of a conundrum. Ugh. I hate feeling like this.

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Writer's Block and School Struggles

2020-09-09T14:28:56Z

I was doing really well writing little stories for like a week, and then suddenly, I got stuck again. There was a story that I posted that I nearly immediately deleted from AO3 because even after working on and reworking on it and editing and posting it, it felt like it came out wrong and that I didn’t do the characters right. I’ve been stuck and unable to write anything since I deleted it. I’ve been debating what to do because I think I need to deal with that story to move past the block I have going on, and I really want to move past that block! Of course, the other side of the problem is that I should be working on my homework that’s due soon more so than I need to be working on fanfiction. I’m tempted not to do a discussion post this week. I need to do a total of six for the semester, so I don’t have to do one every week, but I know that the harder assignments are coming and the workload is only going to get more intense as the semester goes by. The last thing I need to do is leave a ton of the discussion posts for when I have a bunch of big projects due all at once and three exams to take (if I live through November, it will be a miracle).

I know that I have to stay on top of all of my work if I’m going to survive this semester. Every time I have a project due in my Research Methods class, I have a test due on the same day. The same day! What kind of fucked up bullshit is that? Honestly, I know I’m in grad school, but it is really necessary to have each major grade point due at the same time as another major grade point in the same damn class? I would understand if this issue was connected to having classes that ended up having significant projects due at the same time. I'd be frustrated, but at least that would make sense. Granted trying to separate the due dates of those tests and projects would only leave me mining into the major due dates for the other class so I suppose it's a lose-lose either way. Just giant amounts of homework and stress coming right up.

I'll have to take time off of work. I really don't want to use my vacation time because I want to save my vacation time for fun stuff and taking breaks. My boss totally supports me taking mental health days, which is the most amazing thing ever even though it should be the standard. The only problem with taking sick time is that if you go long enough in a row without taking sick leave they give you more vacation time. I have like a month left of not taking time off before I get the next bonus vacation time so I would really like to avoid using sick time before then.

I really wanted to participate in the Ship - week for Hellstar too but hat ends tomorrow and my priority really needs to be on schoolwork tomorrow and the day after and the answer is probably to get through the next four days of work and school before trying to get passed the enter's block for my hobby writing. But we'll see what I end up actually doing.

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"Three-Million-Dollar Favor" -- Need for Speed FanFic

2020-04-12T00:47:50Z

Title: Three-Million-Dollar Favor

Characters: Julia “Jules” Maddon, Bill Ingram

Pairing: Pre-Jules/Tobey

Summary: Tobey asks to borrow The Mustang, and Ingram consults with his most trusted adviser.

Fandom: Need for Speed (movie)

Rating: G

Spoilers: No more than the trailer spoils.

Warnings: I can't think of any.

Disclaimer: I’m playing in someone else’s sandbox, but I’m not hurting anything or making any money.

Jules reclined on the leather couch in Ingram’s office while he studied one of the latest investment reports at his desk. She was pouring over the information about the monstrosity Ingram had the audacity to call a “single-family home.” The thing was the size of an entire apartment complex, and then some, with the same amenities. Ingram paid her well; he paid all his people well, for which she was quite thankful, but she still couldn’t fathom spending this kind of money herself. He was calling the estate a “possible investment,” not a home for himself, but that usually translated to him adding it to his “collection” of outrageously expensive and flashy things. She negotiated where she could, talked him out of what she could, and accepted that there were some battles she’d never win.

“Well, what do you think?” Ingram pulled her out of her musings.

“I think the interior decorator should be shot.” She told him flatly and she wasn’t sure she was kidding.

“I’ll give you that the style they’ve gone with is a little eccentric,” Ingram hedged.

“Eccentric? I’m pretty sure I saw this house in a Ron Jeremy film.”
Ingram threw his head back and laughed. “You have a way with descrip--” Ingram was cut off as his secretary buzzed him.
“Sir, I think you’re going to want to take this call.” Jules immediately sat up at Nikki's words, placing the paperwork beside her as curiosity thrummed through her. Nikki, his very efficient and generally ruthless secretary never let anyone interrupt Ingram and Jules when they were reviewing investments, however casually the two of them might be about the process. And here was another thing Jules loved about Ingram--he trusted his people.
“Okay, put the call through.”
Had Jules not been sitting down, she might have collapsed, she was so startled by the caller whom Ingram had put on speaker. It was easy to see why Nikki had made an exception to her usual rule. Tobey Marshall wanted to race in the De Leon with Ingram’s near three-million-dollar investment. The two didn’t speak for long and Jules didn’t ask any of her questions. There were so many questions she had and yet at the same time, it felt as if she couldn’t think of anything to ask.

“I’ll think about it.” Ingram finally said and ended the call. He looked at her then and she found they were staring into each other’s eyes for a solid minute before Ingram spoke again. “So,” he said quietly. “On the one hand, that’s a very risky bet. On the other, Tobey Marshall is by fair the finest driver I have ever seen, bar none.”

“Being the best driver doesn’t mean he’ll win the race. The run is brutal, and if Dino is in it, well, you can’t cheat if there aren’t any rules, but he doesn’t care who gets hurt when he races.”

“You think Dino was the reason that poor young man died on that bridge, don’t you?” Ingram asked.

“Yes, I do.” Jules was almost certain of it.

“And you’d like to see him brought to justice, wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, I would.” She couldn’t help wondering who wouldn’t, other than Dino himself.

“Okay, we have in the balance the risk of losing a three-million-dollar investment against winning another four million and seeing a sort of justice for a young man slain too young.”
“Pretty much,” Jules sighed, leaning back on the couch to stare at the white ceiling.
“I told Tobey I’d think about it, so, Jules… What do I think?”
“We’re lending him the car, but I’m going with him.”
Ingram smiled. “Mmm, and I’m sure the only reason you’re going is because you want to protect my investment, and not because he’s an attractive bad boy with a heart of gold.”

“Oh, shut up,” she scowled, but it was no use, she could feel her face was turning red, and Ingram was going to laugh himself to tears.

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Emotionally tired

2020-03-27T00:24:12Z

My efforts to keep my time on Facebook to a reasonable level have been, well not great. Though I think I am doing a little better. I have a hard time finding the line between keeping up with all the new coronavirus information for the purpose of helpfulness and looking into it too much. Once I ran into a video about what is happening to the lungs of many people because of the virus and I had to nope the fuck out. What I saw still haunts and terrifies me. I don’t want to be someone panicking but I also don’t want to be someone who isn’t taking this issue seriously. Some of these people being flippant or acting like they’re so put upon and how the government is overstepping, etc. make me so angry. I get not trusting the government to an extent (there are lots of horrible people in government), but I do trust the actual scientific results and medical experts and they’re the ones pushing this. Anyone who thinks this is “not a big deal” obviously either a sociopath who gives no fucks about anyone but themselves and their own well-being, or an idiot (or not paying attention, I guess).

I don’t know.

I tried to take a “meditative walk” today, and that didn’t go well. I tried, I really did, but I just couldn’t get my head to slow down or pull away from the racing thoughts about this virus getting to me and family, the concern I have for my job, and my general stress about school (while it simultaneously played “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” in the background, because obviously my brain has to have a totally unrelated song playing on repeat at all times). So after thirty minutes of that approach, I decided I just take a regular old exercise walk. I didn’t power walk, but I tried to walk quickly and get my heart rate up. I listened to some peppy music with a fast beat. That worked much better. I was able to get out of my head a lot more that way than the other. Maybe one day I’ll be able to walk meditatively, but I think I’ll need some more practice before I get there. I probably also shouldn’t have tried for such a long period of time as far as the meditation part went. I’m still only at a “10” minute-ish at best for a seated meditation period so why I thought a 30-minute walk would go well, I don’t know. I guess I thought that since I was walking I’d be able to focus on the walking, but my head was just too busy to focus on “the feeling of breeze” and “the coordination of my muscles as I walk” or whatever.

I think I may try to work in some more meditation though, in general. It’s a goal of mine in general in my life to meditate more, and I have periods of success and periods of negligence. I suppose that’s how life is for a lot of people when attempting to build positive habits. If ever there was a time try again to build those positive habits, now would be the time.

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Life and School--the adventure continues

2020-03-25T03:57:29Z

I haven’t had a lot of time or energy for personal writing. I’ve done a bit here and there. I have been hosting a “young writers” group at work once a month, but that’s only been two sessions so far and now those are canceled for a while. But with school and work, I just haven’t felt the creative urge much. I know there have been times I’ve opened a word document, written a sentence, and then totally spaced or gotten distracted or called to work on something else. It just hasn’t felt worth it to write. But with this virus, my work is shut down which means I have more time for writing.

Now I still have school, and I’ve been working on a big project that’s due tomorrow night so it’s not like I’ve had nothing to do. I also had a week off of work because I was sick. So far as I know I had a cold, and then lower left lobe pneumonia. I was on antibiotics for two weeks, four days of one type of antibiotic before switching to another because nothing was getting better. I never had much of a fever, though I did have a low-grade one here and there. I also had shortness of breath, which was a little worrying, but again, with taking sick leave for a week--one that thankfully coincided with my school’s spring break--I felt much better. I went back to work for two days before they decided to close my library. We have emergency pay for two weeks, and then we’re not sure what’s going to happen. Right now they’re working on ways for people to work from home. I know I can work from home and I have so many webinars and online training sessions saved as “to do” that I could fill up at least a month or two of days working from home, never mind the projects for my Reader Advisory Team that I said I would do that I just haven’t been able to do because of the customer demand at our branch. They also want to know what kind of stuff we’re good at, including if we’re good at customer service via chat, phones, and social media. I haven’t used social media in a professional setting, but I did answer account and technical support questions via email, chat, and phone for two years back before I started working at Scholastic. Everything I did with Scholastic was via phone and email too. And I’ve created multiple pieces of training and presentations for coworkers and customers alike at my last two or three jobs. I feel like there is plenty I could be doing that would be honestly productive during my time at home. Although part of me is really enjoying this time off.

I’ve had way too much time on my hands in some ways. I’ve been for a few walks and read a book. I’m working on my homework, though that’s slow going because I have way more time to do it than is good for my sense of urgency when it comes to getting it done. That is what I should be doing right now. I guess I’ll get back to it, but I am hoping that I’ll get a little bit of creative writing done while this quarantine goes on. I don’t want to miss out on my paycheck which likely means I’ll be working from home, but part of me does kind of like the idea of not working for a little while and just getting to mostly stay home and do nothing. I definitely need to start washing my hair more though...

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Right now, Lethal Weapon Season Three is Everything

2019-08-06T21:40:46Z

This was originally a 600 word text I sent to a friend of mine at 2 or 3 am one night because I am an obsessed weirdo. But I want to post it, with addtions and maybe a few edits, because this is where my brain is living right now and I want to be able to look back at my obssesive brain thoughts later.

I'm watching my favorite bits of Lethal Weapon for the 6,302nd time (in all honesty it probably is getting towards the triple digits on some of these parts) and I thought for a moment that the dress Erica is wearing during the food fight at the end of episode 12 was the same thing she was wearing when they had their first almost kiss. She says she just bought the dress she's wearing (in the food fight), and that she bought it "for him." Now, it's filmed and treated like she's probably just saying that so he'll stop spraying her with mustard so I originally didn't take it too seriously. BUT upon further review and consideration, I've changed my mind. I went back so I could check, and the outfit she's wearing at the end of episode 12 is not the same thing she was wearing during the almost kiss at the beginning of episode 11, but the outfits are very, very similar. This is a woman who dresses with style and class at all times, but she does have an eclectic wardrobe. she's featured wearing a number of different styles of shirts, especially. At work, she wears shirts and skirts or shirts and pants. She's seen wearing suit jackets occasionally as well, usually paired with an elegant top and a skirt.

She is in so deep, even though she's saying they aren't serious.

I also wish I got to see the conversation where he tells her more about what happened with his conversation with his daughter. They've clearly had a conversation we don't see because she knows that he took her advice about his daughter and they've made specific plans involving a cookout, the movie "Any which way but loose," as well as chocolate ice cream, beer, and tequila. I wanna know how that played out. Was he saying thank you? Did she give him shit that she was right? Did he make a joke about her being on the same level as a twelve-year-old girl? Did he mention apartment hunting? Did he ask for help with it like his daughter suggested he do? I need answers! I also want to break down why he's really still in the motel, because I think it has a lot to do with him believing that he doesn't deserve nice/good things.

Also, at the end of episode 10 she says she's going to move. Has she done that already? Is there a possibility that they could end up moving into together at the end of the season? It'd really, probably be too soon, but I kind of want it anyway. And I definitely want there to be a conversation that rebuffs the "has an expiration date" comment that I fully believe was said out of self preservation and not put of what is actually wanted. (I'm looking at you, Erica.)

Can I also mention that I'm super glad that all of their on screen overtly romantic and sexual scenes have happened when they're both sober? Yes, they have a moment where she is looking at him like he's breaking her heart when he says he's heartbroken over his ex and he's drunk, but that doesn't count because he isn't in it with her yet. When they share their almost first kiss? Sober. When she gets vulnerable and they have a moment? Both sober. When he makes his confession? Soooooo sober. When they have their actual first kiss? He's maybe had a few sips of a beer, but they're definitely SOBER.

I don't mind the drunk thing all the time, but for their specific situation I think it's really important that all of their BIG moments are them consciously and purposefully choosing each other without questions of "was this just drunken fun?" meddling things.

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Move On Wes (Lethal Weapon FanFic)

2019-01-24T20:19:21Z

Title: Move On Wes

Characters: Wes Cole

Pairing: Technically none, but I'm Wesley Cole x Erica Malick all the way. Like ALL THE WAY. Intensely. It's. A. Lot. Like excessive. Wes x Erica. Although they call him Cole most of the time. I haven't found a ship name yet. Wesica? Werica? WesCa? WeEr? Cole and Malick... Oh! Cola? Definitely not Colick. Maybe something with her being an ADA?

Summary: Wes is coming to terms with his break up with Natalie.

Fandom: Lethal Weapon (TV)

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Pretty much everything through 3 x 10

Warnings: I can't think of any.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the rights to Lethal Weapon.

( Read more... )

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Thoughts on this year's goals

2019-01-13T02:17:12Z

I haven’t written much since I wrapped up my 2018 goals. I think the only thing I’ve written was when I posted about how I did on my goals last week. I meant to do goals for this week and I forgot. I didn’t get home until almost midnight last night and I was utterly exhausted (not to mention that I was exhausted). At some point, I thought to myself, “I don’t think I’m going to make a word count writing goal for myself this year.” And it was like a huge wave of relief hit me. I’m still going to write. I want to do my short stories/drabbles for each month of the year, and I’ll have plenty of homework assignments to do. I know I’ve got lots of discussions to do for both of my classes not to mention papers and assignments. I just feel bogged down by the tracking and word count goals at the moment. I’m thinking that taking a year off from that might reset me a little.

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All Apologies

2019-01-01T04:59:16Z

Title: All Apologies

Series: All Apologies

Characters: Simon Snow, Penelope Bunce, and Basilton Grimm-Pitch

Fandom: Carry On; SnowBaz

Summary: Simon can't understand why Baz did something sort of, almost nice for him.

Rating: PG story, R rated language. No more cursing than in the books, but they all say the 'f' word a lot.

Pairings: Simon Snow/Basilton Grimm-Pitch

Warnings/Spoilers: None.
No Magic AU

( Read more... )

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Progress or Something (Part 3)

2018-12-31T23:05:41Z

It feels good to know that I’ll be off tomorrow too. I think it was definitely the right decision for me to take the day off of work. If would be getting ready to leave work now if I had gone in today and while I might have gotten some writing done, I doubt it would’ve been much. I wouldn’t have gotten to stay up late last night reading and writing. I wouldn’t have gotten to sleep into today before getting started on my tasks. And I would’ve had to have spent an hour and a half in the car just for the commute. I was going to try to edit the blog post today from home. I was going to count it towards my words goal for the year, but I just don’t feel like thinking about work stuff right now. All that can and will just have to wait until I go back on the second. Jared did say it was fine if that’s what happened, and I think it just will have to be that way. I know it’s going to be a little rough because I’ll only work two days and then I’ll be off Friday and then I’ll be working the weekend.

And shit, it’s only a matter of days before I start grad school, which is just hurting my brain.

I’m hoping after all this time off and the mini decluttering/spring cleaning adventure I’ve been having that I’ll be in a better head space to do my job and take care of shit at work. There’s no telling of course. Could be I’ll back and still not “feel like” doing my damn job. I’ll still mostly get it done though. I hope that I’ll be productive and steady. With school too. It’s going to be interesting for sure, but I want to do well.

Still, I think it was the right choice. I have goals that I’ve almost met and if I can get them done or super close to done, I think I’ll feel good about going into the New Year.

It’s such an arbitrary thing, the New Year. It makes a lot more sense to go by the lunar calendar than it does the arbitrary Georgian calendar we’ve created where the New Year doesn’t line up with anything. I feel like the Winter Solstice would actually be the best choice, honestly. That would’ve made the most sense as far when to start the year, but no one asked me. It had to have been dudes who came up with this shit, because I cannot imagine a woman going, “let’s start it on this random day here.” I wonder if the first time they started this calendar if it was the first new moon or something that they were going to hit, or something similar. I suppose I could look into it, but I really have more important things to be working on right now.

As things stand right now, I need five more books to meet the reading goal I wasn’t going to set for myself for the year, and about 1,500 words to meet my less arbitrary writing goal. I honestly don’t remember making any other goals for myself for the year. I had the thought that I wanted to be able to do a pull up by February or March of 2019, but a lot of my physical fitness stuff has been derailed for the moment. My eating has gotten totally out of hand too, but that’s beside the point for the moment. I may get around to the unassisted pull-up thing again at some point in my future, but I think my focus for the upcoming year needs to be work and school. I still want to write stories, but I’m thinking drabble type vignettes for each month this year instead of longer stories. I think Reb and I had talked about 500 words or something like that, which seems like a good idea. I don’t want to give up on my writing goal or on writing altogether, but that has to come second to school assignments and life.

Ever time I think of all the things I’ve taken on at work, I start to feel overwhelmed. It’s all going to be okay and so is school. I don’t have as much on my plate as some people, and it’s definitely all going to be okay.

I think I will set some goals for myself though for the year. I’m going to be thinking about that tonight and for the next few days. For now, I’m going to see about reading a few more comics, and then I’ll see if I can finish my SnowBaz story before dinner so I can edit while we watch The Meg and post before midnight.

I’m gonna make it. I’m going to make my goals. Woohoo!

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Progress or Something (Part 2)

2018-12-31T07:26:19Z

This weekend has been such a wonderful mix of relaxation and productivity. I’ve got a mountain of recycling, nearly a full bag of trash, and a pile of books and another pile of clothes to donate somewhere. I thought I was going to be able to stack my Funko Pops two high on my bookcase if I had an empty shelf. As it turns out, the bookshelf is about three millimeters too short to stack the Funkos by two in their boxes. As that’s the case, I did one layer on that bookshelf of Wonder Woman related Funko Pops (I have three different Wonder Woman Pops plus two other characters from the DC movie), and then I took the ones that I had already taken out of their cases to display and put them on top of the layer of boxed ones. Width wise, five is about perfect on the shelf. They fit just snugly enough to look right, but not so snug that anything is forced or squished. I actually might be able to slightly adjust the height of the shelves so I may have to look into that at some point. Right now the remaining encased Funko Pops are on the top of my writing desk like they’ve always been, but distributed more evenly and not precariously stacked three or four high like they were. The ones I left on the the writing desk are all Marvel. The unpacked ones are unrelated--Holtzman, Sailor Moon with Luna, and an Adipose from Doctor Who, of all things. The Adipose was a gift from a Secret Santa a few years ago.

My secret Santa this year got me this amazing block “K” that’s close to a foot tall and about seven or eight inches across and it’s “modge podge”-ed with old Marvel comic covers and characters. It’s beautiful. And the original purple Hawkeye is on there, along with all the heavy hitters--Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Captain America, and Spider-Man. Honestly, that Hawkeye is on there with the “big” ones is a little surprising. He’s on there a few times and he’s definitely the “least popular”/”well known” character on the thing by what feels like a lot. I know me and a few of my friends are big Hawkeye fans, but I feel like we’re not the “norm.”

One of my favorite cosplays from Dragon Con this year was a guy dressed up as Faction’s Hawkeye with a sign that said something like, “Hawkeye is a better than Green Arrow; change my mind.” I flipping loved it. But it’s still a thing that people don’t care that much about Hawkeye. I have friends who literally care about him only because… Actually, it would be better to say they only care about me and therefore put up with my obsession, but that’s okay, I love them for it.

I feel like I should check in. I definitely didn’t have great focus today. I did get a lot done in my room, but there is still a lot of little stuff to get done. I’ve decided that I’m not going to tackle my bathroom until New Year’s Day. And my focus for tomorrow is going to be writing until it’s time to have a movie marathon virtually with Reb. I thought about going out and about. I have that invite with the Harry Potter people and I got another invite today from a former coworker to come to her place tomorrow for a sort of “open house” party from noon until “whenever.” it was a super sweet offer and I did think about it, but for me its far more important that I focus on writing a story and posting it, reading 11 more things that I can count towards my Goodreads list, and continuing to work on my room/bathroom. Plus, after all the socialization and family time from the last couple of weeks, and the nature of my job and how much outreach I’ve been doing lately, well, my social battery felt like it was not only drained but also leaking acid. I’m starting to feel charged again, but I don’t know if I’m back to “going to a party where I won’t really know anyone there very well” levels of battery power. Actually, I know I’m not at that level.

I’m feeling much better depression wise today. There are some sneaky things still happening, but there aren’t as many, I don’t think, and I definitely physically feel like I have more energy and focus. I know it could be a coincidence, but it really seems like the Vitamin D has had a huge, positive impact on me.

On a side note, I’ve been going through my stuff as I’ve mentioned, and I keep coming across the notes on my story from the Dragon Con writing workshop two years ago. I’ve decided to burn everything paper I have from that day. I’m tired of it holding so much power of me. I don’t know if burning it will help, but I’m hoping that the act of burning those pages will release some of that ugly sway they still seem to have on me. There’s no way to know, of course, not really. But I feel like the act, in and of itself, is sort of ritualistic.

We don’t have a fireplace--well we do, but it’s gas and encased in glass--but we do have a fire tub in the backyard. It’s a massive thing though and there are a few obstacles. Firstly, it's in the backyard, which I mentioned earlier is currently a swap with a very muddy canine beast in it. Getting back there without being tackled by said mud beast is not going to be easy. Also, I don’t have any clothes never mind shoes that I want to sacrifice at the moment, and with the mud out there like it is right now, that’s what would have to happen. I could go in shorts and bare feet, but I have a dog who poops in the backyard and its kind of cold. The papers I’m burning are not going to be enough to constitute a “fire” by which to keep warm.

We also have a charcoal grill which could work. If I took the grate out, I’d have a nice mini tub in which to put the papers before dropping in a lit match. That could work. I think that’s in the garage and it likely wouldn’t be nearly so big a deal to use. It would also probably be easier to clean out the ashes after. The only question is whether or not dad still has charcoal in the damned thing since the last time he used it.

I know I could just toss them or put them in the recycle. Or shred them with my hands and then threw them out, which I suppose could have its benefits, but there’s something about the idea of lighting them on fire that’s really calling to me and I don’t think I’ll be satisfied until I’ve watched them shrivel in flames until they’re nothing but flecks of burned paper. I think seeing that happen and knowing that I’ll never have to look at them again and that no one else will ever see the words on the pages again is going to be therapeutic. I’m a little concerned that I’m going to give in to laziness and not make the point of burning the pages because I think it really is vital that I burn them to nothing. Hopefully, I’ll stand my ground on this for myself. I think it’s really what I need.

Well unlike last night at 2 am, I am starting to feel sleepy (I was jacked up until well into the morning last night, not sure why, but sometimes you just got to roll with it). I should try working on my story a little before I pass out for the night, if I can manage it.

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Progress or Something

2018-12-30T23:21:50Z

I decided to take a little break. Not that I’ve been working solid or anything, but my ankle was feeling tired and I’d just finished one of the movies I’ve had on while I work on this stuff so it seemed like a good time to sit and write for a bit. The unfortunate thing is that I’ve just realized how hungry I am which is total bollocks because I ate lunch… actually, I guess that was two or three hours ago. I didn’t eat a proper breakfast either unless you count eating BBQ chips and tablespoons of peanut butter and honey at 5:30 in the morning before you go to sleep “eating breakfast.” Cause, yeah I’m pretty sure it doesn’t.

I feel bad about the dog. I don’t feel confident about walking her and right at this moment, I can’t afford to pay someone to walk her. And she’s not getting a ride around town in my car either. She’s a filthy, filthy mess. It’s been raining the majority of the last week. We had one really nice day in the middle but otherwise, it’s been rain, rain, rain. Sometimes I feel like North Carolina doesn’t have a “winter” it has a “rainier season.” The backyard is flooded. I’m not too worried about the house or anything because we sit pretty high up and we’re on a concrete slab (no crawl space) so we’re not likely to have issues with the water. I guess it could cause issues with the support structure of the back porch, but it seems to be holding up fine. I think it too is high enough to stay out of sitting water. They did a good job for the house when they grated. The front yard too. The backyard though is a pond. It doesn’t help that between the three dogs we’ve had over the years here there are a ton of holes in the ground. Some of those holes are over six inches deep and over a foot wide. They hold A LOT OF WATER and because the grass doesn’t properly grow in a lot of these spots, it’s a literal recipe for mud puddles.

The dog is so dirty that in drying off on the porch she’s left mounds of dirt on the back porch. The stairs up to the porch are now the color of the not-quite-red clay we have here.

Which is all to say there is no way I’m putting her in my car. My car is enough of a mess without adding that. Granted my back seat is cluttered with books and other such things at the moment, and I have enough on my plate for the moment that I don’t feel like adding “cleaning the car” to the list. I really should get the hookah stuff out of there. It’s been in my trunk for like a year. It should probably go in my closet or something. But I’m already in the midst of trying to make that a less dangerous place I’m not sure that I want to add anything else. Actually, once I’m finished with the work I’m doing right now I should have a spot for it. I see it coming together in my head and I think it’s going to be good. I’ve got a little stand in there that might work well in my office too.

I’m also looking into donating a few more of my books. I want to open up space on my bookshelf for some of my Funko Pops. They’re not displayed in a great way at the moment and I’d like to see them in a better spot. Not to mention that I don’t currently have room for any more and as much I love them, there’s no way I’ve bought the last pop I’m ever going to buy. This is also supposed to be the year we get Wynonna Earp pops.

I still haven’t watched the second part of the third season. I know it’s dumb, but I’m still grieving Dolls. He’s a fictional character, I know, but one of my favorite parts of the show was watching the two of them interact. Really, all of Dolls interactions with all the other characters were some of my favorite things. I know the actor is getting to go onto bigger and better things, and I’m happy for him. But, the best parts of the show for me was how he was growing and how he was with the other cast members. Him mentoring Nicole? Dolls sort of fathering Waverly? Him challenging Doc? Him butting heads with Nedley? Those were the best things about the show behind him and Wynonna and Nicole and Waverly.

I love Nicole and Waverly, they’re fantastic, and I don’t want to give up on their story. I don’t want to give up on Wynonna either. Her growth is… great. Melanie Scarfano is a phenomenal actress. And the writing on the show is pretty great overall. There is so much to love about the show, there really is, but I’m devastated that Dolls isn’t part of the team anymore.

He’s a fictional character, but he’s just so near and dear to my heart, I can’t stand it.

Not that Dolls or Wynonna Earp are my priorities at the moment. I suppose I could use the time I’m working on reorganizing to catch up on season three, but it’s hard enough not to get distracted by the TV when I’ve got stuff on it that I’ve already seen or is just generally lighthearted enough that it won’t matter if I miss anything. You listen to a Hallmark movie and keep up, you don’t actually have to watch it.

Anyway, I’m hungry and I have a ton of work left to do so I’m going to leave this here for now.

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A Break from the Organization

2018-12-30T05:11:15Z

I don’t think I mentioned earlier, when I said I wanted to read 416 books, I do also mean things like picture books and comics and such as well as actual books. I’ve read a ton of actual books, but I think trying to read 416 full novels in a year would be a hell of a thing. I’m not going to say that such a thing is impossible, no no. But it certainly isn’t something I think could manage myself. I mean maybe, if I didn’t work. Even so I’m not ready to find such a thing out, if I’m honest. I like my job, even when I’m aggravated with it or stressed or anxious. I do absolutely love what I do overall. I definitely don’t want to know what it’s like to be unemployed. That is not thing I want to experience right now.

Anyway, I finished two books today, but I’d already finished one of them when I was writing earlier so I have 15 books/comics/novellas/et cetera to read to go before I reach 416. I have a couple of comics I wanted to catch up on so that will help. I also have a graphic novel I’ve started. When I finish all that I’ll probably be about eight books away still, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I started going through my closet which meant emptying several tubs. I left a lot of it on my bed so to attempt to motivate myself to do more tonight before I go to bed. Enough that I can get into my bed again. I’m not 10000% sure that will happen. But I figure I can always sleep in my sister’s old bed if I need to. And that would mean the sunlight coming through in through the window in the morning would probably wake me up at a more reasonable hour than I might otherwise get up, which would not be a bad thing. I’ll definitely sleep later in my own bed/room than I would in that one. But I would also sleep better in my room/bed than I would in my sister’s. And while it wouldn’t be bad for me to get up at a reasonable hour, I won’t be very productive if I’m not rested. If I really want to get up early, I can also set an alarm.

That said, I still don’t know if I’m going to find the motivation to go work on the stuff in my room enough to clear my bed yet. It’s already midnight and there is a lot of stuff. Granted, the longer I sit here not working on it, the tougher things are going to get. At least I’m feeling pretty awake at the moment. That’s not a great thing in the long run since I really do need to keep a decent sleep schedule so that going back to work isn’t the suckiest thing ever. Of course, I am who I am and the whole night owl thing is not likely to go away any time soon if it hasn’t already. I’m not sure if I wanna sing along to my music or watch another movie or TV show or start another book while I work. I guess I’ll see how I feel when I get up there.

But I really should get to it. Wish me luck--I’m taking my wine and a ton of garbage bags with me.

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Final Days of the Year

2018-12-29T22:39:05Z

I did say that I wasn’t going to create a reading goal for myself this year, back last year when I was wrapping up last year’s goal, but a little over halfway through the year, I knew I wanted to try to reach 416 books for the year. In October it looked like it would be easy peasy to make it to that. I was on track to make it with time to spare. But depression hit and, not realizing what had happened, I sunk into my Hallmark Christmas movie marathon and I let the fun of those movies keep my mood buoyant. I don’t really regret my (ongoing, to be honest) marathon. It’s something I enjoy, and I know that it helps me keep in a good, pleasant mood regardless of the inner turmoil that happens.

I suppose I really should learn not to spend so much time masking the symptoms of my depression, but when you don’t realize what’s happening, it can be hard to realize what you’re doing. What do they say about recognizing there’s a problem is the first step? Sometimes that’s all the further in the steps people get, but it is an important one nonetheless.

Anyway, I don’t regret my ongoing Christmas oblivion marathon though I wish I could’ve done more writing and reading too. There’s nothing I can do about that part now.

Back to my original point. I think. So to make my goal of 416 books, I’d have to read 16 more books between now and Monday at 11:59 pm. That’s like two and a third days away.

I’m still a ways from my final writing goal too. I’m about 7,000 words shy of my final goal.

I also need to do a lot of cleaning, decluttering, and clearing of trash which I want to do before I start school in a week and a half (holy shitttttt!).

Now I did a little tiny bit of dusting today, which is great and necessary, but not necessarily the most important part of the cleaning/clearing/decluttering thing that needs to happen.

The good news is I’m off until the 2nd so I do have the next three days and nine hours off. I’ll spend nearly half that sleeping, but that will be good for me probably. The other good news is that I have the house to myself until Friday which means that any work I want to do, I won’t have to do around anyone else’s schedule. That actually is kind of a big deal, because sometimes the time of day I’m most motivated to work on something is at stupid o'clock in the morning or even 7:30 at night when someone else would want me downstairs for dinner with them and watching TV and relaxing for the night. It’s not that I don’t enjoy doing that, but sometimes my rhythm being off from other people’s makes it tricky to get things done.

The other good news is that I can listen to books while I clean. I may not, at least not all the time. I’ve been listening to a lot of music today because singing feels really good and I can be as loud as I want. Singing is something that’s always been good for not only my mood but also my mental health.

I realized last night that part of this depression is likely from lack of vitamin D. I get out of the habit of taking vitamin D in the summer because I spend a good chunk of time out by the pool sunbathing. During the summer there’s enough light, during enough of the day that I’m not severely lacking vitamin D. They haven’t proven conclusively that low vitamin D equals/causes depression, but they have found correlations between the two and brain function is supported by vitamin D to an extent. At any rate, I think there is a link for me. And considering how common seasonal affective disorder is, I think there’s a good chance that vitamin D is important in keeping depression at bay. I had also run out of my multivitamin and wasn’t taking it either. I had started to take my vitamins again and it was maybe two days after I started taking the multivitamin again that I realized I had been in another slump. Then I took my vitamin D tablets last night as well as the multivitamin and I can say for sure that I am feeling better today than I have been. I have to think that the two are connected. It’s an important thing to learn for sure!

I’ve gotten off topic again, but that’s okay.

The final thing I need to do is write my last story for the year. I need one story for December and I can say that I’ve written a story every month this year. That I’ve gotten to eleven is something I’m pretty damned proud of, honestly, but it makes me all the hungrier to make one last story before the end of the year so I can have one for this month. I have been working on a SnowBaz story so that may work if I can finish it. That’ll be something I have to work on at some point.

The thing I may have to give up for the weekend is my Pokemon Go obsession. That’s the other thing that’s been a huge masker of my depression. It’s been so much fun to get obsessively into it, but I can’t drive around for hours playing that and still be able to meet my goals. I mean I can listen to books while I do that, but it would be better for me to be working on my room and closet while I listen to books or music or continue my Christmas movie marathon in the background honestly.

So here’s to the next two days of madness, I guess. I expect I’ll be checking in repeatedly to give updates. I know it's unlikely that I'm going to meet ALL these goals in time, but I'm going to really try.

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Whelp That was a Bust

2018-12-27T06:18:24Z

I was mostly better today, depression wise, but I also went back to work and that pretty much took it all out of me. It’s disappointing to feel so exhausted over nothing. I think I may ask the doctor about a therapist closer to home or at least somewhere between home and work so I can go to some sessions again. I think that might be good for me. At the same time, with school starting soon, I don’t know if I’ll feel like I can keep up. I guess we’ll see. I’m going to do some cleaning and tidying this weekend. I got an extra day off so that I could have another long haul but without all the family stuff and without a lot of stuff going on. Just me and this house and the dog and my cleaning products.

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Merry Christmas Y

2018-12-26T06:54:46Z

Mom keeps offering me chocolate, which, while great, is also kind of hilarious. I had a ton of chocolate and garbage to eat today. We had two different kinds of danishes if that gives you an idea of the ridiculousness of my food today. Then dad got me cherry cordials, which I love. I had peppermint bark. I had vanilla coke (if you don’t love the taste of vanilla coke, then I just don’t know how we’re gonna stay friends). The oven is half broken (we can broil shit, but we can’t bake anything) so we had hot dogs and macaroni and cheese for dinner. Chelsea also brought a shepherd’s pie (okay… technically cottage pie, because it’s beef instead of lamb, but whatever), but that is not a thing I eat. I don’t like mashed potatoes or peas. I’m not a big fan of ground beef in gravy either. Like if it’s going to be ground beef it had better be in an American excuse for a taco or lasagna, at least for me. So yeah, I’m just not a fan of shepherds or cottage pie. The hot dogs and the macaroni and cheese though, that was allllllll me. We also had coleslaw and chili (sans beans, because I’m ridiculously picky).

So you can see where this is going. More junk food.

We had King’s Hawaiian rolls too, which I love.

I’ve been snacking on hugs and kisses for weeks.

So then, I made custard--the English kind/way where it has a sort of creamy soup texture instead of being congealed. It’s delicious! Dad and I LOVE it. We put it on lemon meringue pie. WE PUT SUGAR SOUP ON PIE.

Now, most of the time my mother would’ve started fussing at me about my sugar and junk food intake about the time I ate a cherry cordial with my breakfast. So for her, at the end of all of that junk food to then say, “hey Kate do you want some more kisses?” is almost like the Orange Shit Storm in Chief offering real, genuine help to those in legitimate need--it just doesn’t happen.

I can’t imagine what got into her. It could be from me telling her how much I was struggling. I told her yesterday at the Christmas Eve party that I was struggling with an episode of depression. I connected to the steroid for her, but I think the symptoms started earlier. Still, I think they were making things worse. With side effects like personality changes and severe mood swings, it would not be beyond the realm of reason to think that the drugs were exacerbating the situation.

At least I’m off them now. My foot is feeling better for the moment. I think the hot water bottle instead of ice packs thing is working to my advantage.

Speaking of, I’m going to go heat up the water for my hot water bottle and head to bed.

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You Write the Headline This Time

2018-12-24T07:46:58Z

I sort of tripped. It was like a roll of my ankle or a turn of it which is super unfortunate because it was the same damned ankle I was whining about just last night. Of course, the good news is if I decide to go back to the doctor I can say, “yeah I turned it again…” I know that sounds crazy probably, but sometimes I feel like doctors don’t listen to me when I say “something is still wrong.” Especially since it’s been so long since I injured it originally. Now if I go back to the doctor, I sound less like a hypochondriac. Not that I have plans to go to the doctor outside of my physical early next year, but it might help me get another type of test or examination--one I haven’t had yet. Because I still swear that something isn’t quite right. Even before the roll this evening.

Onto other whining things that I’ve whined about a hundred times before but that I need to hash out some more.

I don’t know if I’m going to make my final word count for the year. I still have about a week left to make it and it isn’t impossible, but it’s definitely going to be tough and I feel like I’ve been having a rough time with motivation and concentration. I never thought I’d say this, but I think I may need to remove Solitaire from my phone. I feel like I’ve become increasing addicted to the game recently. I’ve been playing it almost as compulsively as I’ve played Pokemon. I’ve also been continuing with my Pokemon obsession. Plus, I’ve been in one of my “scroll endless through Facebook!” modes again which is such a problem. Not only does it suck all my time into a meaningless vortex of pointless posts and dumb memes, it also damages my creativity and focus. Which is already pretty low. It’s an absolute waste. Which means I may have to erase Facebook off my phone. Again.

I wish that I could use it in moderation without deleting it all time, but so far I’ve had a hell of a lot of trouble doing that. My writing is suffering for it. So is my reading. I haven’t read nearly so much since I started playing Pokemon Go again either, but I’m not ready to give that up. I’m just going to have to find a way to better balance all the things I want and need to do. Especially with school starting in two weeks!

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This is just a lot of whining about death and pain

2018-12-23T08:39:25Z

I have had the last two days off and I’ve barely written anything at all. Part of what I did write was an update for my goals for last week. It’s just sad. I know I’ve been watching too many Christmas movies. That’s okay. Well, I’m not sure it is okay, but it also is what it is.

My sister’s birthday is tomorrow which is exciting. It’s her thirtieth birthday which is wild. I’m about to turn thirty-three which is even wilder. I keep thinking about how, when I was maybe eleven or so, I didn’t think I’d ever be older than Cher in Clueless. That girl turns sixteen--SIXTEEN--in the movie which means she spends half of it as a fifteen-year-old. Here I am more than twice that.

I don’t feel old. Most of the time I feel pretty immature. I’m not sure I feel young, but I definitely don’t feel old either. It’s weird to feel so in between everything. I joke that I’ll be old when I’m 108 or dead, whichever comes second, but it’s also not a joke. I’m not sure that I’ll ever feel like an adult. I wonder sometimes if other people do feel like adults.

It seems like a weird thing to worry about, but sometimes I do worry--in a weird detached sort of way--about what I’ll do when I do get OLD old. Not like sixty-five old, or even seventy old, but like eighty-five old. Assuming I get there. With advancements in medicine and technology and the things we learn at an alarming pace, I suppose it’s possible that what’s eighty-five old right now will be more like one hundred and five old in a few decades. And no life is guaranteed. Accidents happen. But because I know that I don’t want kids and I’m so full of doubt that I’ll find a life partner (I would have to put in the work to meet someone, and I definitely haven’t done that and don’t have any plans to start looking any time soon), I have to wonder if I’ll have people to take care of me and help me in my dotage. I have incredible, wonderful friends, but they’re my age. Some are younger, but the vast majority are at least a couple of years older, so it’s not like they’re going to be much better off than I am. And so few of my people are in relationships, let alone have (or plan to have) children that it’s unlikely there will be an army of the next generation to take care of us future old folks.

Most of the time I put that worry off for later. It’s not like it’s something I can do anything about right now, and there’s no way for me to really know what life is going to bring or how long I’m going to live. Shit, I hope that I continue to want to live. When you have depression, the feeling that you desire to live is not something you can take for granted. At least, I can’t take that feeling for granted.

I think I’ve spent more of my days hoping that I just wouldn’t wake up the next day than days when I’ve wanted to live.

Not that I’m feeling that way right now. I feel mostly pretty good right now--happy even. I’m a little nervous about starting grad school come January. And there are always things at work that leave me feeling anxious. But overall, I feel really good.

It’s just that I don’t trust this “feeling good” feeling to last forever. Medicine is a miracle. Anti-depressants are literally God sends, but depression is a chronic, lifetime illness that cannot and should not be taken lightly.

Still, neither of those things are problems right now so I suppose that I should just leave those things well enough alone.

At the moment, I’m a little concerned about my foot. I’m trying to be patient while also being sure to do what I need to do to help my ankle and foot heal, but I’m worried that something may not be right. I know that the x-rays haven’t shown anything and physical examinations (pushing, moving, testing by doctors) haven’t turned up anything wrong, but it does not feel right. It’s been more than two months and it still hurts every time I step or put pressure on my foot in any kind of way. It doesn’t feel stronger, it doesn’t feel more stable, it doesn’t feel like it’s getting better anymore. And for the life of me, I just can’t understand why not.

The specialist made me feel like by the new year, I’d be pretty much back to normal. Or at the very least, mostly out of the brace. He didn’t think I needed to come back to see him for another appointment. But it’s been three weeks since then, almost four, and I don’t feel like I’m any better today than I was when I walked out of his office that last time. It’s infuriating! And I don’t know what to do. I guess for now I have to just keep going--using the brace and the boot to help me and doing my best to take care of things in the meantime. I have a physical on January 8th, so if I still don’t feel better by that point, I guess I can ask that doctor about it too.

I know I probably sound like a wimp or a hypochondriac and, hey, maybe I am. But I’ve always had a pretty high tolerance for (physical) pain. This is not “just me” saying that I have a high tolerance for pain. I have a foot tattoo and I didn’t cry. I had a massage therapist who said what I found to feel good pressure wise was painful for other people. I won’t go into my experiences with BDSM, but we’ll just say that there is further proof I do not have a low pain tolerance there too.

And I really don’t think I’m a hypochondriac. I have a history of putting of checking on things because I’m convinced they’ll turn out to be nothing and it won’t have been worth the time and money to go to the doctor to check on it. I told myself I would be better about that since the incident with pancreatitis and getting hospitalized. It’s been almost three years since that happened, and I never want to be in that situation again if I can help it. I really am working to do better at that.

All that to say, I really do think something still isn’t right with my foot, and I think it’s something more than, “needs more time to heal.”

I guess we’ll see.

I really need to work on my story writing. I hope I can throw something together (and edit and post it) before 11:59 on December 31st.

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float_on_alright @ 2018-12-22T00:43:00

2018-12-22T05:43:51Z

So my car had some issues. It overheated on the way to work yesterday morning which I have to say was pretty scary. I had to basically idle the last few miles and turn the car off when I was sitting at stop lights because I just didn’t know what else to do. I suppose I could’ve pulled over and gotten a tow somewhere, but I was actually looking like I was going to be on time for once and because sometimes I just want to be in denial about my issues. Sometimes I have to be in denial of my issues for a little bit before I can deal with them.

I saw this thing on the internet that said something like, “I find if you put off doing anything about your problems, they either work themselves out or they explode in your face. 50/50 odds aren’t bad.”

I should see if I can find it, because it’s both hilariously true and relevant to how I live my life.

Wow, Google is a powerful thing. Okay so I’m horrendously tired right now, and I’m not sure I’m going to copy this over correctly. It’s a screenshot of a tweet so I can’t just copy paste. I have to type it out, which means there’s a good chance I’m going to miss a word or incorrecctly transcribe something. Still, I’m hoping to get close enough that you’ll get the picture.

“Something kind of neat I found out… If you ignore a problem long enough, it either goes away or ruins your life. So 50/50. Pretty good odds.”

Damnit, I’m too tired to keep going.

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Fun with Drugs

2018-12-20T17:45:31Z

I didn’t do any writing yesterday. None at all. I was exhausted. In a brain-dead kind of way. It’s been a crazy few weeks and the steroid is still messing with my brain. My thoughts keep sliding sideways out of my head. I start sentences and halfway through I’ve lost all track of where I was. It’s sort of hilarious, but it’s also frustrating. It makes writing damn near impossible too because I can’t follow what my characters are doing and thinking. So yeah, by the time I got settled at my sister’s and the girls were in bed, I just didn’t have any brain-wrangling powers left. I hate that I have another day on the calendar that I didn’t write, but it is what it is at this point. All I can do is try again today. The dosage is a little smaller each day, and I think the lower the dose the less I’m affected. I definitely don’t feel as amped up today as I did yesterday and the day before yesterday when it was six all at once was definitely the most intense.

I’ve been whining about it, but I also have to admit that it’s kind of fun in a way too. I’m so happy and excited. I mean I love Christmas, this is absolutely my favorite time of year so it stands to reason that I’m already going to be in a decent mood. But why not intensify that good feeling, honestly? It’s a struggle to focus, that’s for sure and I curse more (I think it’s that I forget to censor myself the way I normally would) which is a bit of an issue at work. Those things aren’t great, but I’m in a really good mood about all of it.

People are also sad for me because I’m having to wear the boot for work and such again (for a little bit), but there’s part of me that’s relieved. My ankle was just in so much pain nearly all the time, I didn’t know how I was going to keep bearing it. I could have taken painkillers, but I hate doing that and I didn’t want to take something that was going to mask the signs of further injury. Also, I just wanted to be fine. I wanted to be healed and okay. Being back in the boot means I’m not healed, and that sucks, but my ankle hardly ever hurts at all in the boot. My foot doesn’t hurt either. I move around at whatever pace I want. It’s a little cumbersome, but I’ve learned to cope with that and I can handle it. I can walk fast with the boot on without fear of pain, and for work, I really need that. I push myself because I want to be fine and because I think I should be fine, but I’m not fine. The great thing about the boot is that it allows my ankle to “rest” without me having to slow down at work (which means I don’t have to push more work onto my coworkers). I’m about to be off for five days in a row, which will be good. I’ll

Is it ideal? No, of course not. I need to keep doing my exercises to strengthen my foot and ankle. I have to remember that I did serious damage.

When I first did it, and I went down, I knew that I was in trouble. The pain was such that I knew it was going to be a long road to recovery. I didn’t think my foot was broken, but I knew in the deepest parts of my heart and mind that it was going to be a long road to recovery. People were very flippant about “sprained ankles” and “not broken” etcetera, but I knew, deep in my soul no matter how much I wanted to deny it, that I was going to be struggling for a while. The doctor said my foot will never be the same, and I don’t know what that means yet. And I need to give my body time to find it’s new normal.

I had the accident over two months ago. It’s been a long road and it seems like the end of the road isn’t in sight yet, but I am better and I can hold onto that.

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Drugggggssss

2018-12-19T05:04:16Z

I’m crashing now from the drugs. I know it’s just a steroid. It’s a super normal thing that people get prescribed all the time. Lots of people end up hungrier and thirstier. Often people have some stomach upset. These are all normal reactions. I have them too.

My friend’s son gets a little wound up—the doctor said that when he’s on stuff like this he’s more likely to be ornery. My friend describes it as “showing his ass,” which is just the best kind of description in my opinion. Not that that’s the point I guess, but it is a fun expression. I love expressions and idioms and etymology. Just… all of it. Just our whole practice of finding ways to communicate and describe things is amazing to me. Sometimes humans event awful things or use our creativity for evil, but our capacity for invention, communication, and creation is truly one of the most amazing—if also terrifying—things in the world. It probably seems silly to compare the history of our language and the creation of dumb sayings like, “shows his ass” or “Lord willing and the creek don’t rise” to advancements in health, science, exploration, or engineering, but it truly amazes me how capable we are.

Humans are extraordinary. I just wish we had less propensity for using our creativity to destroy each other. Just in general. But I think that’s the trade you make. It sucks, but all I can do is treat people with kindness and respect.

At any rate, steroids do weird things to me. It’s a little like being high. It isn’t exactly that. I’ve been high on weed and shrooms and opioid drugs when I was in the hospital once so I know what those things feel like, and the steroid definitely doens’t quite do that. But it does make me more likely to be weird and wired in a more extreme way than I usually would. I told my friend Jonathan that I very much wanted to skip at some point during the day but that I was working very hard not to skip. He was baffled at first because my foot is back in my boot (at least during things like work, etc.) and was like, “don’t fucking do that!” It was only a little while later that he realized that it was the drugs making me feel that way.

That’s the other frustrating thing about the injury combined with the drugs. The drugs have the effect on me that you would expect three surge soda’s to have on a toddler. I cannot sit still, I fidget to no end. It’s nearly debilitating how hyper it makes me, and it absolutely does make it harder for me to focus.

It can’t be helped for now though. I should probably look to see—

I did that thing again where I start typing things in relation to whatever dream like thing is happening in my head when I’m so tired I can’t keep my eyes open while I type. Suckage.

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Drugs Make Me Act Funny

2018-12-19T00:25:45Z

I want to read. Like I really, really, really want to read. It’s itching. Well, the itching is probably not actual itching and just the twitchy, ticky, hyper feeling that comes with taking prednisone--a steroid, in case any of you unfamiliar--gives me. It’s like overloading on caffeine or sugar.

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Exhaustion and Further Foot Issues ... and also my period Ugh.

2018-12-18T06:40:37Z

I read this thing that said if you type in comic sans instead of other, more traditional fonts that you’ll find it easier to write. I don’t know if that’s true, but I thought it’d be worth a try. It’s not like I can’t change the font once I’m posting a story or even when I’m editing it, etcetera. This isn’t the old days of typewriters. I guess just the fact that “comic sans” is even an option is proof of the bygone days of typewriters.

I should’ve written more yesterday. I thought about it. I really did. But I’ve just been feeling so exhausted and burned out and cranky. I started my period today so between the extreme stress of all the events I had the last few weeks and weird sleep schedule and family stuff and anxiety about everyone’s presents and school and money and money for school and presents and life--it’s all just been a lot.

And tonight I spent like two and a half hours at the doctor’s office. I scheduled an appointment, but I guess they were backed up because my appointment was for 6:45 and I was there until like 8:30 or something. It was a lot going on. It left me drained as shit. Not to mention the last three days have been bonkers and busy at work. And my foot has been feeling worse. I’m going to have to be careful with my caffeine intake tomorrow since I’ll be on a steroid, but I wanted help getting better so if this is what I need to do, then this is what I need to do. I’m just really glad no one offered me a clinic position where I had on--

I have no idea what that sentence was going to be. I honest to God fell asleep in the middle of writing it. I guess I’m just going to have to try again tomorrow.

(I bet I was going to say that I’m glad no one offered me a flu shot, but then fell asleep in the middle of typing. I can apparently type in my half sleep, it just ends up being so nonsensical it would take someone with a master’s in “Kate’s language” for someone to figure out what I meant. And we’d never really be sure.

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