On the Road

[float_on_alright]

 Or How I would drive if I learned merely from observing other drivers (Or people are crazy) 

1. Yellow lights indicate that you should race against the change. You win so long as the light does not turn red before your car is under it.
2. There are shades of red e.g. “But officer, it was only a little red! I had plenty of time." 
3. On week nights, after 12am and before 630am, stop signs become optional.
4. The speed limit may sound confusing but it is, in fact, the minimum speed at which the person directly behind you should be able to travel. This means you should be at least five over the “speed limit” in order to accommodate those behind you. If you see a procession in your rear view mirror, you are not driving fast enough, please adjust your speed or pull over so as they may pass you.
5. Cops are uniformed versions of your elementary school teachers. They may give you a ticket or put you in time out if they feel you are breaking the rules. If they are very angry with you, they may send you to the principal’s office to be suspended; this is bad and can be quite expensive.
6. Cars are like dogs, the acceptable "greeting" is your nose up the tail of the car in front of you. Tailgate as often as possible since it takes practice to really get the knack of this driving do.
7. “Flipping the Bird” is the standard form of communication between drivers who are displeased with each other. The horn is for those who are either displeased with everyone on the road or are from the New York/Jersey area (note that “the finger” will likely accompany the use of the horn in these cases).
8. Using your “blinker” is optional.
9. Bikers and mopeds should be on sidewalks, it is important when you see them on the road to remind them why it is they should not be on “car turf”. Remember that this is war, showing mercy is not an option.
10. Pedestrian cross walks:
    1. If you are the only car present when you approach the cross, play “chicken” with the pedestrians. Earn points for every person who doesn’t cross the road before you drive passed. 
    2. If you are not the only car present, pedestrian bowling is choice. The goal is to knock over more people than the other car. You earn extra points for runners and fast children.

Bonus note: Roundabouts are "Merry-Go-Rounds" for adults.

Other than rule #1 which is referenced in a movie or two, I believe, these are the product of my own creativity. Thanks.