float_on_alright: take my advice i'm not using it (take my advice)
2017-08-20 11:56 pm

Fears and Worries

I’ve been struggling to write the last few weeks. I do my morning pages okay but I haven’t done well with my story writing. Some of it has been being busy. I spent a good chunk of time this week on stuff that isn’t normally on my schedule: hair cut, lit mag once a month call, prepping for my interview. I feel like this is always where I get overwhelming busy. And actually, work wise I haven’t gotten to the busiest part of my year yet. That will start in another couple of weeks. September through until Thanksgiving is just hell on wheels, a train barreling on unstable tracks and you may or may not get the tracks completed before the train gets to the pass meaning safety or a fiery, fiery death for everyone. 

I know that’s a little dramatic. It feels authentic even if it is a little extra. Keep in mind that over 40% of my fall business is in October (this means 90 something events) which I have to get ready for in September. But then another good chunk (something around 25% or 30%) of my fall business is in November which I need to get ready for in October when nearly half of my other fairs are running. I am not kidding when I say I’ve been dancing on the cliff of suicide by mid-October every year for the last three years. You’d think that knowing what’s coming would help me prepare for it or deal with or something, but so far that hasn't been the case yet. 

I think my brain has been subconsciously fearing that for the last couple of weeks, basically since we started back at work. Knowing how hard last year hit me and how I really wasn’t much better the year before I just didn’t really tell anyone about it. I don’t know how many times I thought about checking myself in somewhere. More than I could count or track for sure. I’m scared of being there again, terrified really. There’s a lot to like about my job but I’m not sure I’ve ever put into words how badly in messes with my mental health sometimes. I mean, I know a large part of it is my own brain and how I’ve treated myself in the past and I’m way better about those things right now, but I don’t know how well I’ll hold up my defenses once the real insanity hits and the goal pushing starts and the berating about goals and the listening to calls with corporate people etc. etc. etc. 

Anyway, I think all this fear and stress is blocking me creatively. I’m having a hard time creating the feeling of “safety” (I can’t think of a better word though I don’t think that’s exactly the right one) enough to get past all the crap in my head. I want to get there. And I’ll try again tomorrow. I’m hoping that writing about it tonight will help me face it better tomorrow. 

float_on_alright: I don't have a plot. I have caffeine (I don't have a plot. I have caffeine)
2017-07-18 01:06 am

Crusher of Dreams

I started “The Artist’s Way” Recovery program today. Who knows how this is going to go long term but I suppose I can always start over if I need to. One of the frustrating things is that I can’t read over the “morning pages” which I know are mostly word vomit anyway so it’s not that I want to read them. The thing is, I’d like to count them towards my word goals for the day but they’re to be handwritten, not typed, no one is to see them or read including me, so physically counting the words isn’t an option because there's too much risk of me reading them. Not re-reading your morning pages is part of battling your “Inner Censor” or, The Cruel Critic as I’m starting to think of mine. My inner voice is an asshole y’all. I mean, I always knew that but one of the assignments for this week was to write down what the inner voice came up with when you wrote out “I, (insert name here), am a brilliant prolific writer.” 

And dude? I’m a fucking asshole. One of the things from therapy was being nicer to myself and the truly terrifying part of seeing the things I’ve said about myself in my own head is that I used to be worse. I wish I could understand how I got so hateful towards myself. Like, okay kids were assholes to me and I always felt out of place and awkward, but I don’t think any of them were ever as mean as I was to myself. 

One of the things she recommends is searching for who might have given you these insecurities and fears. Like trace them back to their originators. And while I was picked on for being overweight, a nerd, weird, wearing unfashionable clothes, not understanding personal hygiene for a while (don’t all sixth graders go through this?), etcetera etcetera etecera, I cannot think of a single instance when someone told me my writing was bad or that I should give up. In fact, as I search through my memories to writing classes and workshops, I can’t remember anything but kindness, support, and encouragement. So what the fuck? Did I do this to myself? And if so, how did this happen? How, growing up with a father who still says “when are you gonna write that bestseller?” In a completely, “you can do it so you should do it already” way do I still think of my writing as worthless trash? How did all those supportive, kind words go so far astray?

I had a teacher in high school who drove me to and from the UNC Charlotte campus from the boonies of Rowan County every day for two weeks so that I could participate in a writing workshop. A workshop I remember fondly and still have the booklet with our work and the notecards the participants wrote for me (we all wrote something nice for each participant). That seem teacher essentially created a Creative Writing II class at the high school so I could keep taking a creative writing course. My college professor weren’t really any less supportive. My classmates were supportive. But I guess I spent too much time thinking I would never be able to write a poem half as amazing as any poem Jason Mott ever wrote (he wrote The Returned, which was as a TV series for a minute and yes, we went to college together and I was in several classes with him even though I was a couple of years behind him and he is amazing - as a writer, as a poet, and as a person). 

She talks about parents telling their kids to be “reasonable” but my dad told me to do my best and as long as I was happy I could be a (and this is a direct quote) “Redundant (unemployed) Siberian Shit-Shoveler from Sheffield” for all he cared. How amazing is that? My mother (so long as she continues to believe I’m straight, I guess, who knows what will happen if she ever figures out I’m definitely not that) thinks the sun shines out my ass and I could do anything I wanted including writing Christmas movies for the Hallmark Channel. 

They talk about mean teachers and while I was terrified of Mrs. Teague I don’t remember her ever being discouraging. I had one teacher who wouldn’t call me by my preferred name but her class was also the class that I first truly understood that I wanted to write a book one day (I was in the first grade - about 6 years old) and that’s one of my two clear memories from that class (the other was refusing to answer by my given name instead of my nickname - I wish I still had that spunk 6 year old me had - she was badass). So not her then. My 6th grade English teacher was also a creative writing teacher and she was phenomenal. She chose my essay as a winner so I could be the “Lady” of our medieval castle day. My 7th grade teacher let me stay after school and use his computer to write the story I was supposed to write for his class. It was only supposed to be about five pages, but it was 25 by the time I was done. He even let me turn it in late with no penalty because I was enthusiastic about the project. 

I mean seriously, I cannot think of a single villain in my pursuit of the creative except myself. 

And isn’t that just a bitch? I can’t be mean to myself about it when I’m supposed to be helping myself heal. I mean beating myself up about it will not do me any good. I wish I had someone to blame though. I wish there was someone I could point to and go “There! That’s it! That’s the moment I started telling myself I could never really write! And it is his/her fault.” It would be so nice to have an external person to blame. But I don’t. And so I’ll just have to find a way to 1) forgive myself and 2) encourage and be kind to myself. 

I see a lot more affirmations in my future. 

float_on_alright: procrastination is hard work (procrastination is hard work)
2017-07-16 11:33 pm

Writing Prompt, day 2: Thunder


As a resident of “The South,” aka the southern states of the United States (as if there are no other “southern” regions in all the world, but whatever) I was accustomed to thunderstorms. They’d been a staple in my life for the last twenty-five years, at least, and I really didn’t think anything of them. Usually. Sure, I’d get out of a swimming pool for thunder. Lightening followed as a rule so you really didn’t want to risk being in an open body of water, but otherwise, I didn’t make no never mind. Again, usually.

But as I woke, gasping, the house rattling with the continued booming, I was sure I was about to die. I’d been dead asleep and there was little that would wake me up. This went on. This couldn’t possibly be thunder. It was still going. The house was still shaking. I’d never been in an earthquake so I didn’t know what that was like, but I thought maybe I was finding out now and I should get to shelter in door frame or something because couldn’t be good. The booming overhead though, I didn’t think it was an earthquake. This was probably a plane. And it was probably about to crash into my house. And kill me where I lay in my bed. I closed my eyes again and thought, “Well, if this is it, at least it will be quick.”

The booming faded a little and finally after a few more seconds, stopped. Then, the unmistakable crack of lightening shook my room again but nothing fell to the ground and nothing lit on fire. I was going to live after all. Another bout of thunder rolled over the house, but it wasn’t as intense, it wasn’t as long, and it wasn’t rattling. Just a thunderstorm now. The clouds could no longer bear their heavy weight and I heard the gush of rain against my windows. I breathed a sigh of relief and went back to sleep. 

float_on_alright: I understand which if i think about it disturbs me (I understand which if i think about it d)
2017-07-16 11:15 pm

Decision: To Artist's Way or Not to Artist's Way


I hit the resistance again today. After having not felt it for a few days, it was annoying to have it back. That’s okay though. I know that these types of things are common. I’m glad to have had some days without the resistance. I’ve read a little more of the book “The Artist’s Way” and I really do want to try her program. At the same time I feel incredibly overwhelmed about the upcoming things I have going on in my life. The next two weeks only involve a couple of weekend trips and a few appointments, but then it’s back to work during the busy season. Fall is always crazy in a way that Spring just never is. We’ll have the week in Atlanta for our sales kick off and then a couple of weeks later I’ll be taking off for DragonCon, plus there will be a visit from J who is coming in from California right before DragonCon. Then September and October tend to be my busiest work months. November is crazy. Honestly between the second week in August and the second week in December, I rarely have time to take a breath. And yes, I realize that there is never a “good time” to start a 12 week program but I think some times are just seriously worse than others. And fall is definitely the worst and busiest part of my year, bar none. At least while I’m working for Scholastic.

At the same time, I have a story to try to write, re-write, edit, and mail by July 25th. And if I’m blocked, I’m screwed. I really wanted to have the first draft written by Wednesday and I have no idea if that is going to happen. If I could get the first draft done by Wednesday, I know I could mail it by the following Tuesday (the 25th) or Wednesday at the latest and I feel like that’s enough time for it to make it to Atlanta by the 1st of August (the following Tuesday). Granted, I supposed I always have the option to just cancel the workshop. It’s just that I know I’d be canceling out of fear. The fear is what has me blocked anyway. It’s hard to be creative when you’re just so damned afraid. The “I have to write something good!” is so hateful to my creative brain and I know I’m not being fair to myself. At the same time, I don’t know how to stop. This lady says she knows how to help. That she can teach that part. I don’t know if she can tell me how to be a better storyteller, I think that’s something I have to learn other places and practice. But she says she does have a system for becoming consistently creative without all the blocked nonsense all the time. She calls it a recovery program, like AA or something. And I think I believe her.

And that’s the thing right? Like, what if she’s right? What if she doesn’t know exactly how to loosen up the strangle hold the inner critic has on my creative self? If that’s the case, how can I possibly justify putting it off?

Not to mention, as frustrating as my job can be and as busy as it can be, I only spend 40 hours there a week. I don’t take my job home with me, ever, and even if I stay until we close at 5pm every day of the week, that still puts me home in the evening with plenty of time to do creative work. And if there’s anything I’ve learned from the last 8 months or so, it’s that I absolutely cannot give up my creative pursuits because to give them up would be to give up on my mental health and that is something I know I cannot do.

She forewarns that it can be a difficult, emotionally exhausting journey, one that I’ll likely want to quit. Which means the other thing standing in my way is fear. Fear of what I’ll find and what I’ll feel and what I’ll have to face. Those aren’t things I can take lightly. I know everyone has a shitstorm of issues inside them - maybe some more than others but still I doubt anyone has been untouched by some sort of trauma at some point. I think we all build up walls of lies in some form or fashion so that we don’t have to face the things we don’t like about ourselves. It’s probably pretty normal to fear that too.

I fear I’ll be too tired from work to be able to handle whatever crises this thing makes me face. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to face what I need to face. I’m afraid I’ll quit.

I mean, I can’t fail if I don’t try, right? Which is, of course, exactly the attitude I’ve been hiding behind for years that I promised myself I wouldn’t let win (at least not on a regular basis anyway) earlier this year.

On top of all this, I go back to work in like two weeks and I’m dreading it. Part of me looks forward to seeing Emily at work all the time and I certainly don’t want to stay on unemployment no matter how much I wish I could retire already. The last few weeks have positively flown by and I know the next two weeks will be gone even faster. I’m trying to savor them, of course but they’ll still go by quickly. I keep hoping that by the end of these next two weeks, when I’m thinking, “Yup, back to work tomorrow,” that I’ll be sort of ready for it. Maybe not bored with being off exactly, I don’t think that’s possible, but ready. Maybe if Fall and Spring were reversed and spring was the busier season and fall was quiet and I could “ease” into going back to work, that would be more likely. And granted, it’s not impossible. It’s a six week break and that’s no small break. It’s really, really not. I mean, how many people get that kind of time off? Teachers, of course, get a bit more than that, but they take their jobs home with them every day. I’d bet those kids are always on their minds. Not to mention all the other crap they put up with, like parents and the government making dumb laws about standardized tests. Granted, I have to put up with a lot of Parent-Teacher-Associations/Organizations members. That is a mixed bag, I can tell you that. Although, so is working with teachers, librarians, and staff.

Sigh, I’m on a tangent. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do. I don’t want to start something I’m not committed to doing but I don’t want to not commit to something because I’m being a scared little wuss. I could probably debate this all night. Go round and round with myself about it but I’m not sure that it would help. I think I’ll go try a prompt and then maybe read for a bit. I’ve got a dentist appointment tomorrow so I’ll have to be in bed at an almost reasonable hour tonight.

float_on_alright: drink tea and read (drink tea and read)
2017-07-14 04:59 pm

Mouse in the Cupboard

I did the computer mouse the other day so I thought I'd do the prompt as it was originally described and not as I'd inadvertently read it. It didn't seem right to "check it off" without doing it properly. 

The perspective of a mouse in a cupboard:

The tall ones weren't supposed to be home this early, Fur the 750th of the clan of Browns, thought to himself. They were supposed to be gone for a few more movements of the sun; he was pretty sure. Instead, they hadn't been gone long enough for the sun to have shifted much at all. He could tell from the line of the sun and shadows created by the small crack where the door of the cupboard didn't quite seal all the way closed. He was fairly certain that they hadn't heard him yet though. They seemed to be yelling at each other, and one had slammed the door closed after they'd entered. No, if he remained very still he might just be okay until they had left or gone to bed again. It was hard to understand what they were upset about exactly. The tall ones argued about such strange things. 

"You told me that you'd had the car taken in!" the child bearing one of the two shouted. 

"I did!" the non-child bearing one answered. 

Fur knew they had their own for such distinctions, but he didn't have time to sort out all of their languages. 

"Well then, why the hell did they not miss that we were nearly out of radiator fluid!"

"I don't know, Greta. And I'm sorry. They told me they checked all the fluids. Look," the one showed 'Greta' something he'd pulled from his pocket. Fur didn't quite understand what the slim block could show this Greta, but Greta looked. "See? A charge from the mechanic from yesterday." 

Greta let out a sigh. "I'm sorry, William." All the anger seemed to rush from the tall one in a whoosh. 

"It's okay," William answered. "I know you're worried about your sister, but there's nothing you can do for her right now anyway. And we'll be there soon." 

"Yes, I know you're right." 

"Your sister is going to be okay, love. I promise." 

"You can't promise that." 

Fur understood worry for brothers and sisters. He had some forty siblings somewhere. And several had died already. Theirs was not an easy life. 

"Why don't we get changed out of these clothes and then we'll go from there." The one called William said instead. 

"Okay," Greta nodded her head. William put his mouth on Greta's in a gentle, almost hesitant way. Fur had seen them do this before but didn't understand. The gesture never seemed to follow the same pattern. Sometimes it was all encompassing what they did and led to what Fur thought was mating, but sometimes it led to nothing but a smile or a wave goodbye. Such strange creatures, the tall ones. Fur hoped this meant that he would be free to move soon. 

Greta and William stood together a few moments more and then moved out of the room and up the stairs. Fur breathed a deep sigh of relief and scurried back into the crevice in the wall he'd come through hoping the tall ones would be gone for a while. He senses if he came back after the sun disappeared and reappeared that he would be able to raid their cabinets to his heart's content. He would just have to have a little patience. 
float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)
2017-07-10 10:32 pm

Course completion and a lot less stress

I’ve been staring at my little phone screen playing games for several hours while listening to my book, which after hours on the computer the last few days and a lack of sleep has left them tired and a little sore. I shouldn't have strained them with that tiny screen and all those tiny Mah Jong tiles, ugh. 

I am proud of myself though because I think I made it through all the coursework and I definitely did all five of the necessary work applications for the week and I’ve still had time to read. Goodness, it’s nice being off. I know I only have a few weeks left, I’ll be back to work three Monday’s from now, but I intend to thoroughly enjoy the time off I have left. I’d like to spend time at the pool here and do a lot of reading. I hope to write as well. My brain has been in editing mode for the most part for the last week or so and that makes it hard for me to switch to creation mode writing wise. Since I’ve submitted my story to a bunch of places, I really can’t do anything else with it until it comes back to me I created a spreadsheet so I could keep track of where it was submitted. I'd hate to end up submitting it to the same journal by accident or something else similarly sucky. 

I have no idea what will happen with it or what I hear back but I’m sure that it will be good experience regardless. Rejection is part of writing and the earlier I learn that the better. 

I don’t understand why, almost a week later, I still hear fireworks going off. I mean this is ridiculous. The puppy is barking up a storm over it and I can't even be mad at her. How is she supposed to know that no one is trying to blow up the neighborhood? Plus I’m sure there are a ton of dogs barking out there… yeah, I think I hear one now… so she’ll definitely have to respond to that. Poor thing. And poor mom because I know she’ll have a hell of a hard time sleeping through that. 

Anyway, my plan is to write 4000 new words this week so I’ll definitely need to spend some time focusing on being creative. I’ve got a prompt book that I think I might try and I’m also thinking about picking up where I left off in “The Artist’s Way” since I know there are prompts in there as well. If I remember correctly, she recommended reading the book all the way through before starting on the activities so I may stick with the prompt book for now. It’s got 3 prompts per day for 366 days so there should be plenty there. 

I can’t decide if I want to go through the prompts methodically or if I want to jump around and try random things. I’m usually a jump around randomly kind of person but I’m thinking of going through them methodically to push myself. Sometimes I skip prompts because they don’t inspire me or what have you, but I think it could be really good for my creative muscles to at least do some free writing with everything in there, to really work to pull out something even if nothing comes to mind initially. Plus it’s a eBook so it would probably be easier to keep track of what I have and have not done if I went in order. I could jump to locations or pages and highlight the things I’ve done but it’s not like I can physically flip through pages and put my finger on a random prompt. 

But not tonight. Tonight I am going to listen to more of my book (I finished one and am now onto the next). I’m really anxious to get to the 6th one. I’m really enjoying the 5th one so far (it may be my favorite so far, though that’s hard to say for sure). I had picked up the sixth one and started reading it and I was loving it but then I realized that there was a ton of stuff I’d missed and if I was going to have any hope of really keeping up with the side plots, giant cast of characters, several different pantheons of gods, all the different countries and territories as well as understand the history of the two characters the book focuses on, I was going to need to read the other ones first. The series has been building these two up for the last like four books so I’m glad that I went back. Not to mention that I’ve enjoyed the books so far. All of them have had huge amounts of plot happening like so I think I would’ve gotten lost if I’d tried to just keep going. I mean I read the first two about four or five years ago so I don’t remember them perfectly but I remembered enough to be able to follow the third one well. 

Plus, they’re all so funny anyway. There was no point in not reading them when I’m enjoying them so well. I’m not sure why I didn't continue on reading them after I picked up the first two. Though I think at the time the level of violence and gore was just too much for me, for whatever reason. Granted, there's probably more of a difference between 26 - 27 year old me than 31 year old me than I cognitively recognize because I'm still making a lot of the same dumb mistakes and in a lot of the same spirals, but that’s not something I particularly want to examine right this moment. I’ll probably never want to but it’s probably something I should make myself do at least a little of before I go back to work. But again, not tonight. Tonight I’m going to read. 

float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)
2017-07-10 12:53 am

Apparently I'm obsessed with Shelly Laurenston


I think I’m going to make. I found two more places to submit to, reworked my cover letters, and fired away. I also did the next assignment which was to write the people whose opinions of your writing really matter on a 1 inch by 1 inch piece of paper. I don’t have a ruler so I had to wing it, but I figure no one can complain about me putting three people on the list. I mean, that should be short enough to fit on a 1 square inch piece of paper. Especially if I shortened their names or wrote them really small, right? Anyway, while I’m sure the visual reference is helpful, and I might do it one day, I think the message of the assignment was clear. I guess what I’m saying is, I’m a “spirit of the law” kind of girl and that ain’t gonna change anytime soon.

Part of me wants to power through the other two assignments tonight, but I think I need some rest. I think that I’ll be able to complete them tomorrow more easily and quickly having got some real sleep.

Tomorrow will also hopefully involve some writing something that isn’t a journal entry, but we’ll see. I’m also eager to finish the book I’m listening to. It’s interesting to me that the narrator of the stories isn’t a narrator I’ve been thrilled with in the past but I still think I’d rather stick with listening to the stories instead of reading them. I’m not totally sure, but I am leaning that way. Normally I find her barely tolerable and it’s not like she’s doing such a better job on these than she did on the others I’ve heard by her. Maybe it’s just that these books are so much better than the other books I’ve heard her read. Not that the other books were bad, they weren’t. It’s just that those other books were… “well, that was fun” as opposed to what I’m listening to now which is more like, how can I get five more minutes listening to this book. I know, I’ll empty the dishwasher, that way “I’m being productive” so I won’t feel guilty about how I’m spending this time but I can still listen to the book.

What I’m reading now is by one of my all time favorite writers, Shelly Laurenston. I just relistened to her “Pride” series, which is probably my favorite series by her though her “Call of Crows” series is fantastic too and I enjoyed her “Magnus Pack” series too. This series is under her pen name (I think it’s her pen name and not the other way round), G.A. Aiken. It’s Dragons and witches and warlords and shit. Where her shapeshifter books take place in modern, earth times, Dragon Kin takes place in a world of Dragon Gods and swords. Both epically fun though. You have to have an affinity for cursing, bloodshed, raunchy language, and sort of questionable or unstable main characters, but I find them hilarious and exciting. She’s one of the few authors I still read that doesn’t really pass the “But is it gay?” question. She does have an odd side character (I can think of 2 for sure and a 3rd I suspect) who turns out to be gay, but they’re not developed. Still though, I enjoy her main characters. Her female characters are especially fun to me because they’re usually vicious (though in different ways, sometimes with violence, but sometimes in craftiness) and funny.  I mean, one of her characters has the moniker “The Blood Queen” and she’s actually a queen. “The Viper” and “The Beast” are really fun too. “The Beast” is plain and bespectacled and brilliant. One of the characters in the “Pride” series is famous for her favorite saying which she got from her father, “Time to start the killing.” And Cella Malone is a former marine, a bare knuckles boxer, and a hockey player. There’s all kinds of “politics” between shifters and packs and families and it’s just fun. She’s also suppppper diverse with characters who are of a bunch of different backgrounds and descents.

And I’m officially rambling. But seriously, I love that author. She’s got another series she’s going to be doing soon, I think it’s coming out next year that has me really excited.

So now that I’ve blown off some steam writing about the author of the book I want to be reading, I’m going to go listen to the book for a bit and get some sleep.

float_on_alright: lust for books (lust for books)
2017-07-05 09:15 pm

Last Day Beaching

Today was our last day at the beach for awhile, at least for me and mom. Mom can come back pretty much any time but it’s a little more difficult for me to pick up and go whenever. Someone has to watch the dog and my mom has a really hard time being alone. She’s thrown tantrums more or less. She tries though, when she knows something is important to me and I give her a lot of notice, not to make me feel guilty. But if it’s me and dad off on an adventure without her, she feels lonely AND left out and it’s just too much. 

I digress. Today was the last day so I got up “early” to spend some time lazing in the pool with Daddy and cook under the sun. I think I mostly managed to avoid getting sunburned. I’m a little sunburned on my face where I initially forgot to put on sunscreen, but it’s just a bit of pink on the forehead and I think there might be a couple of pink spots on my back. I’m going to try to get up a little early tomorrow too so that I can spend a little time in the sun reading before we go. I just love the sun baking pool water off my body while I daydream or read. 

I know I have work to do, really I do. And with the fellowship (church type) stuff going on this weekend, I’m going to have a lot of my time taken up Saturday and Sunday so I’m really going to have to buckle down when I get home tomorrow. Like for real. 

It’s not that I don’t like the work. I do like the work. Sometimes I feel discouraged and sometimes I get stressed but it’s only because I care about it so much. Really, I love the work. I’m just terrified of it. I’m pretty sure I’ve sung this song before but it always makes me feel better to talk about being afraid of it. It reminds that it is okay to be scared of it as long as I’m still doing it. 

Everyone needs me to shut down the super bright light for now so I’ll just have to go back to work tomorrow. 

float_on_alright: weather forecast for tonight - dark (weather forecast for tonight)
2017-07-04 10:13 pm

Fireworks and Books

Update on the fireworks, there are a ton of people putting off fireworks right at the beach and lemme tell you something, South Carolina Fireworks are not dicking around. There were so many people putting off good fireworks that I honestly felt like I should’ve had to pay for the pleasure of seeing the show. It’s been about an hour since they started and they’re still going out there. I can hear them bursting about 50 yards away from our condo balcony. It was glorious. I really do love fireworks. My mom is like a kid in a candy store or waiting up for Santa so I must have gotten that love from her. Dad likes to tease her about it but dad likes to tease her about pretty much everything. 

Tomorrow is our last day here. I may try to get up earlier than I have been in order to enjoy the sun before it becomes midday brutal. I love sunbathing and reading. Dad always wants to sit in the pool and talk or sit beside the pool and talk and mom likes to sit on the edge of the pool with her feet in the water and talk. Not that I mind that, I enjoy that too. I’d just like to do more laying quietly and reading than they do. It’s one of my favorite pastimes and it’s only available to do properly a few months out of the year. Granted, I’m not much less cranky about being interrupted reading in another form or fashion either. 

The worst is when someone, usually Dad (mom always says my name a few times before she starts talking), starts talking to me about something and I don’t realize they’re talking to me until they start asking me questions. Listen, if my book is open, you do not have my attention in any way shape or form and you’re going to have to say everything you just said all over again. Sometimes my mouth answers even though my brain is still very much immersed in whatever it is I’m reading. That’s the worst because whoever was talking to me thinks that I’m in agreement with them when in reality I have absolutely no idea that they were even talking, let alone what they said. I’ve gotten in trouble for not doing something “I said I would do” when they asked me while I was reading. Not bad trouble, just annoyed with me trouble. “I asked you to empty the dishwasher.” “When?” “Just a few minutes ago. You said you would.” “No, I didn’t.” “Yes, you did.” “I’ve been reading. I didn’t hear you ask me anything.” There face is usually something like >_< 

I really do love reading and when I am in a book, really in a book, and that movie is playing in my head it is hell trying to get my attention and keep it. Even if you pull me away, I’m usually slow to leave and quick to jump back. I recommend making sure that I have marked a place in my book and closed it and put it down before you try to engage in a conversation. Even then, there's really no guarantee that I’m going to “with you.” There’s a good chance I’m going to be, well, mentally in my book, wondering about what’s going to happen next. 

I love that feeling. That feeling of transportation to another world, that sense of virtual reality that comes with really getting in a story. More than anything I want to create that for others. Pull them and and take them on an adventure that doesn't let them go. That brings them back again, again to the heart of the characters and the world. If I could manage that, even if it’s just for a few people, I’d be overjoyed. That’s why I need to get back in my writing habit again. I can’t do that if I don’t practice. Some people have that talent naturally and I wish I had a little more of naturally but that doesn’t me I can’t learn. I can learn. I just have to work. I have to work hard. I have a lot to do to get ready for a lot of things, I just have be to brave and determined. I just have to not give up.

This will do for today I think, but I need to be back tomorrow. And the next day. 

float_on_alright: claudia wide eyed (claudia the eyes)
2017-07-04 08:49 pm

Reading Seaside

I’ve gotten like nothing done today. Literally nothing. Okay I read a book. I’m not sure that counts for anything. I mean, I love it. I love reading, the book was good. And as I mentioned, I’m totes in reading mode for the moment. I need to track my progress for my MAC goals before I forget. I’ve literally spent about 15 hours of the last 36 reading. We’re watching Monster Trucks tonight and waiting for the fireworks to start. I can’t tell if it's cloudy out there tonight of it that’s just the fog/condensation built up on the glass doors of the balcony. It looks pretty cloudy which may be why there were so many people putting off the fireworks last night. Like if they knew the weather wouldn’t be good for fireworks tonight, they just went ahead and did them yesterday? I guess we’ll see if they set anything off tonight since it’s almost dark. 

And the first sounds of fireworks hit the air. Guess that question is solved. I can’t seem them at the moment but I’m not sure I’ll be able to from the condo. It might be that I’d have to go downstairs on the beach to see them. I do like fireworks. Though I understand why people are nervous of them and why they trigger people with PTSD. 

Monster Trucks is a cute movie, in case you were wondering. I’m gonna see if I can see some fireworks. Happy Fireworks Day for my US folks. 

float_on_alright: I keep hitting the escape button but I'm still here (escape button still here)
2017-07-02 10:15 pm

Inconveniences and Writer's Block

Ugh, I don’t know if it’s because the only time I’ve had to myself is when I’ve been asleep in the mornings and my folks are out the door or if it’s because I just needed a break after the sprint I had on Friday, but either way it’s damned annoying. Of course the other part of the trouble is that I’m also currently in one of my “reading phases” I finished the second half a book, read another entire book, and then started another. When I’m in a reading mood it’s tricky for me to leave it for anything else.

The beach is amazing, of course, even if it’s packed full. Fourth of July and most of North and South Carolina are around here somewhere. 

And now I can’t even stay up and write like I want because I would be keeping someone else awake if I’m anywhere but the bathroom. And I did consider sitting on the toilet (with the lid closed) to type for a little while but unfortunately the seat caves in if you sit on it and keeps popping in weird ways because the plastic isn’t sturdy and I’m a big girl so I’m afraid I’m going to break it. *Heaves a Sigh*. I could go downstairs, maybe, but I don’t want to be down there with no bra. Oh well, maybe tomorrow. Guess I'll maybe go listen to an audiobook for a bit. 
float_on_alright: clint is a carnie and a thief and would fit in with wallstreet (clint is a carnie and a thief and would)
2017-06-30 02:20 pm

Writing and Waves

So here I am writing to you from Myrtle Beach. The waves look pretty fierce today and it’s overcast but I’m loving the sounds of the waves against the shore and kids playing down below. It’s so nice just to be here and since no one else is here just yet, it’s also quiet. I really should’ve used more of my time for writing but I used it for reading instead. Sometimes a girl just needs a fix I guess… if that girl is me and her drug of choice is reading. I love writing, I love working on stories, sometimes I even love editing, but I am honest-to-God addicted to reading. No way could I ever give it up. Physical books, ebooks, audiobooks, comic books, fanfiction, articles, backs of cereal boxes… That reminds me, I was supposed to be keeping tracking of the pages I’ve read outside of just my books this year. I did a good job for maybe a month or two but now I’ve totally slacked off. I guess I could start back up now, but I’m not sure I will. I have so many other things going on right now that I just don’t think there’s one more thing I can put on my list. 

I have about a month before I have to go back to work, assuming I don’t get hired sooner by another company. I know that’s actually a good chunk of time. I know that. And I’ll certainly be glad to make the money I make when I’m working as opposed to being on unemployment, it’s just that I’m lazy and I like being off and sleeping in and staying up late and I’d love to do that forever. I also need to make more time for writing than I have been. It’s weird I know I want to write and then I sit down to write and I put it off to do something else. I think writing itself scares me sometimes even though I totally love it. I guess because I care so much. Because even when you’re not talking about yourself there’s still so much of yourself in writing that it feels like people don’t like you if they don’t like what you’ve written. Criticism, for all it’s about your story, ends up feeling like it’s about you. 

I read the Four Agreements earlier this year and my favorite was “don’t take anything personally.” It’s never about you. It’s always about the other person and how they perceive the world and themselves. What I’ve read about Buddhism has something similar about how those things that you find frustrating or annoying in others is really because you’re seeing something of yourself in that person - something that you don’t like about yourself. And I think, for the most part, that’s really true too. 

Here’s the thing though, it’s a hard balance to walk because just because the critic isn’t personal that doesn’t mean the critic isn’t wrong. You have to find a way to sort through criticism for the helpful advice without letting the suggestions for improvement - or the praise for that matter - get to you too much. Praise can be just as difficult as criticism to overcome. Sometimes because it makes you believe you don’t need the criticism but I think sometimes it’s because you’re trying too hard to replicate what went right in the good parts to let yourself write the crap you sometimes need to write to get to the good stuff. The more crap you write the more gold you’ll find. Which makes sense. I always thought the more you wrote the better you got at it, which in some sense is true but I think also it’s just about statistics. The more cards you have in your hands, the more likely it is that you’ll be able to put a good hand together. Poker may have limits on how many cards you can hold in your hands and how many times you can draw and put back, but writing doesn’t. The only limits writing has are the ones you put on it. And by “you” in all this, I do mean me. Obviously. 

I’d like to get some more written on my hopefully one day novel. I’d written a version of what may be chapter five but after re-reading it, I’ve found I don’t like it. Well, not so much “don’t like it” as it isn’t quite working. There are pieces of it that do but on a whole there needs to be more action and less  contemplation. I think the wrong character is being introduced too or rather the wrong conversation is happening. I’m not entirely sure how I know that or why I feel that way, but I’m deciding to trust my instincts on it and rewrite it. I’ve already written a little bit of it and I like the re-written part better so far. Granted, we’re talking about 100 words of the second draft as compared to the 1200 word first draft but still. It’s working better. 

I’m also working on the second draft of my Magical Girls story. I need a better title and to fix up the grammar. I can’t use “Grammarly” on my iPad which makes me wish I’d carted my laptop down here a little bit but I think there’s an public access computer in this hotel somewhere that I can probably use in the next couple of days so that I can get it fixed up and posted to the Lit Mag Love group. I think I really only absolutely have to have the first page ready. I have no idea if I’ll make all the work in time but I am going to try. 

I’m thankful for the time we spent hanging out and watching Killjoys while we were in Raleigh because it allowed me the time I needed to my job applications for my unemployment status for the week. Having those done is such a weight off my shoulders. Especially for yesterday when I was making lunch with my dad and then driving to the beach. It’s about a 3 hour trip which isn’t much at all but with getting out of the hotel, getting to hug everyone one more time at the mall, then driving over to where dad was working so we could get food and then head over to his hotel, then make some lunch and spend some time with him, AND then drive three hours only to have to drag in two weeks worth of luggage plus a couple of things my dad gave me to bring here for him, I didn't get settled in the condo until around 8:30 or 9 and I still needed to have dinner and I wanted to write so having to think about whether or not to do job applications would’ve been a nightmare. 

I’ve had soda today instead of Mio energy and the sugar has me jittery. I don’t often have a lot of soda anymore and I think that Code Red Mountain Dew has a special mixture of sugar and caffeine that creates a special brand of hyper. It doesn't help that I haven’t had real food yet either. So far today I’ve had a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Meaning in order to chill out I’m probably going to have to go for a run or something. It’s starting to look like it might storm soon outside. I suppose I could’ve gone swimming earlier but I wanted to write and I wanted to stay in this nice, quiet condo for as long as it would be nice and quiet. I really needed a bit of quiet and time to myself. I know that mom and dad - though traveling separately and coming from different places will be here soon. 

Speaking of, I’ll probably have to help them bring in their luggage etcetera so I’d better go put on some shorts and a t-shirt instead of this sleep shirt and my yoga pants. I don’t want to get crud on my sleep pants after all and it looks like the rain might start soon. 

float_on_alright: not lazy just energy saving (not lazy just energy saving)
2017-06-20 10:24 pm

Job Applications - The HORROR

So to qualify for unemployment I have to apply for jobs and I just so don’t want to. I’ve been working pretty hard with all my stories and online classes and errands. I slept pretty late today. I suspect I was a little worn out. I’m not particularly a morning person and I’ve been up late and up at an almost reasonable hour the last few days. I’ve been awake by 9:30 - 10am which I know is not “early” but it can be for me. I usually need a 10 - 12 hour night every now and then and last night seems to have been the night. I’m still sleepy today. It might be the rain too. Rain often makes me kind of sleepy. 

I’ve been terribly unmotivated today. I’m sleepy and lazy and just terribly uninterested in getting anything done. Don’t feel like writing, don’t feel like applying for jobs. I just want to read books and rewatch the new episodes of Wynonna Earp. 

I did two hours at the library today because I had a lot going on this weekend with Father’s Day but since I’m off from work, I might as well make it up. I’ll be able to do next Sunday too but the week after I probably won't be able to do it. And there’s another weekend or two that I’ll have things going on or will be visiting friends out of town. Plus, that’s two hours I can listen to books and ignore people for the most part which was great.

I need to write too. I need to finish this next chapter in my story and figure out where I’m going with the whole thing. I also need to work on my Mrs. Claus story since that’s the only thing I could even begin to use as my story for my Lit Mag Love course. 

Further, I need to provide feedback for my fellow workshop people. *Sigh* I feel like I’ve bitten off far more than I can chew and I just realized I missed a live video I wanted to watch. Argh, I hope it stays up long enough for me to get to view it. 

I feel like sometimes what you really need is a break. Sometimes you make yourself believe you need a break because you want to procrastinate doing something you don't want to do. I know I don’t want to apply for jobs or write or really do much of anything and now I’m stuck trying to figure out if I really need a break like I kind of feel like I do or if I’m just trying to put off something I'm not keen on doing. 

float_on_alright: we prefer intellectual badass (we prefer intellectual badass)
2017-06-17 11:55 pm

Early Father's Day

It doesn’t yet feel like I’m on vacation. It just feels like another weekend. I haven’t had a summer off since the first year I worked for Scholastic so I have to say I’m feeling a little nervous about the unemployment thing but also really excited to have six weeks of not going into work. I have about 43 days until I have to go back to work I think. I know that it’s going to go by in flash. I know that I will have barely taken a breath before I’m back there again, but at the same time - 43 days. 

I have lots of homework and writing to do and it is still feeling a little overwhelming, but I don’t have a lot going on this week after tomorrow so I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get a good chunk done thereby taking off some of that stress. 

I have so, so many things I’m looking forward to this summer not least of all writing though really. I didn’t get as much done this week as I would’ve liked writing wise but I did some good editing and I was exhausted. There’s only so much I can write when I’m really, really tired. I did a lot of reading though and that was very satisfying. I love to read and just hadn’t gotten in enough reading the last couple of months with all the writing and assignments. Reading for editing and reading for pleasure are just such different animals. I enjoy reading to give feedback and edit - I love it, mout of the time, actually. But they’re just so different and while they’re both satisfying in their own way, reading to edit/suggest changes/etc. just doesn't replace reading something that’s just being read for fun. Especially if someone else has done editing so that you have a nice cohesive story. 

I did get to write a little bit today. I’m working on my wolf shifter mystery thing and I got a little done today. It wasn’t easy considering I was still worn out and participating in a bunch of Father’s Day activities. We have some more planned for tomorrow but I should get to sleep in properly tomorrow which I think will be a great help to the situation. My other problem is that I’m listening to a book that I’m just really, really loving. 

Anyway, I’m looking forward to tackling my challenges this summer and hanging out with friends and hopefully a whole lot of reading by the pool! I am still nervous, but I don’t think that’s unusual. Plus I’ve been talking about how it’s good for me to do things that make me nervous and push me outside my comfort zone. Especially with something like this, that should really be fun and rewarding. 

I need to head to bed as much as I want to stay up and either write more or read more or both. Today has been wonderful and tomorrow will be too so long as I’m rested enough to enjoy it! Night y’all. 

float_on_alright: drink tea and read (drink tea and read)
2017-06-12 10:11 pm

Rejection and Tactical Retreats

I’m feeling a little burned out, I think. I know I'm a little disappointed that my Mrs. Claus story didn't get accepted to the anthology BUT she was very nice and I think she's right about why she passed on it. I'm very much considering re-writing the story and submitting it again later. Her submissions are done, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't fit anywhere else eventually if I work on it. 
I’m taking today and maybe tomorrow off from writing much because I think I do need a little bit of a break. But this isn’t a “giving up,” this is merely a tactical retreat to regroup, refuel, re-evaluate, and starting planning the next attack, so to speak. If it’s worth getting, it’s worth working hard for. I can improve. I can and I will. 
float_on_alright: never let anyone treat you like a yellow starburts you're a pink starburst (never let anyone treat you like a yellow)
2017-06-11 01:39 am

Geekery and Homework

I didn’t get a chance to rewatch Wynonna Earp today. I had a massage this morning (amazing) but then I got caught up talking to my massage therapist about Wonder Woman and other fandom and nerdom things so then by the time I left there I was starving. I ate lunch with dad who was watching Chicago Fire. 
And then I started working on my homework. One of the requirements of the Summer Writing Contest and the Beginning Writing Workshop is to critique other people’s writing.  I take that sort of thing pretty seriously on a whole. I guess I’ve been involved in writing courses and such for far too long to break that habit now. I mean I started learning “constructive criticism” at age 12 (about 19 years ago). That’s 6 stories to spend time on. I’ve done three. One of the stories was PHENOMENAL, one was okay, one was hard to understand, and one I didn’t review because it was incomprehensible. One or two people had managed to review it though and I decided to let them cover it. If no one else had said anything, I may have tried, but since two other people had already martyred themselves, I decided to honor their sacrifice. 
Then it was dinner time! I watched a movie with the folks and then dad and I watched Doctor Who. I thought about putting on Wynonna Earp then, but I hadn’t written yet and I still have homework to do and it just felt like I wasn’t going to be able to give it my proper attention yet and it definitely needs my proper attention. 
One of the things I need to write about at the moment is how I’m feeling about my Literary Magazine Course. The course is great so I guess it’s not the course exactly. I’ve gotten to the part where I’m supposed to pick a piece and start preparing it for a literary magazine. I keep looking through all the things I’ve written and I just don’t feel like any of them are literary. And then when I think of writing something new and “literary” my writer’s block slam off access to my creativity like a damn steel door on bank vault so now I’m feeling incredibly stuck. 
I know that I need to keep writing AND pick something. And I’m hopeful that I will get there. I’m pretty determined to get there. I’ve had some compliments on the things I’ve posted on the Becoming Writer site so that’s encouraging. I’m pretty happy with the stuff I’ve posted there. I have this first “chapter” written and posted there and I’m just so in love with the main character. She's a cranky bitch werewolf and she’s just… I don’t know. I’m kind of looking forward to torturing her? But seriously, she’s prejudice against humans and doesn't believe she needs anyone really. I think she has the ability to tell when someone is lying so I’m looking forward to playing with that too. 
I’ve stayed up way too late. 
float_on_alright: procrastination is hard work (procrastination is hard work)
2017-06-06 10:12 pm

Writing Courses and Other Terrifying Endeavors

I feel great about everything I got done yesterday and I feel pretty good about what I accomplished today. It helps that work was fairly quiet the last two days. I only have 8 work days left until we get laid off for the “summer”. I’ll be “unemployed” for 6 weeks about. I’m both nervous about not working (I worked the summer weeks the last couple of years) and incredibly excited. I know I've mentioned this in the past but since it’s super close now, it’s real in a way it wasn’t previously. 

I’ll need to clean up my desk but there won’t be a whole lot to that and I can do that next week. This week the managers are in a meeting in Chicago for several days so I don’t have to worry about my manager coming up behind me and asking questions about what I’m doing. Cleaning one's desk of old paperwork and organizing for when we come back from the summer is a perfectly acceptable thing to do on company time. Not that they’ll really breathe down my neck next week much. Not many people will still have schools in. I'll have a couple but most of mine are finishing up some time this week. 

I’m rambling. I did get a good chunk of editing done today which was great. I read a book I’d been meaning to read that was due ano that couldn’t be renewed (someone else had it on hold) so that was great. Emily and I walked this morning which was also really nice. 

So here’s where I’m running into trouble. I’m in these two online courses/workshops right now and they’re great but I’ve hit panic mode a little bit. I think my brain is doing a bit of self-sabotaging.

For one class, I need to produce a unique piece each week to have workshopped. It can be a blog post, a personal essay, a short story, a poem, or a chapter in a book but it’s due by Friday so that other people can have the opportunity to review and comment on it. I am looking forward to this. Next, that same course is also sponsoring a writing contest - the story needs to be written and posted by next Monday. It will be workshopped as well. Then we get to edit it and submit it by the 19th (or something like that). So you see, I have a piece due Friday, a piece due Monday, and some reviews today. 

Now for the other class - it’s a class about submitting work to Literary Magazines (contests and grant writing type stuff too but mainly Literary Magazines). I’ve been going along doing my homework like a good little girl but here’s where I’ve gotten stuck. I need to have a piece that’s ready to be prepared for submission. That doesn’t mean it has to be perfect or anything, but it does mean that I have to have something to work on and I need to do that this week. 

So I’m assuming you're starting to see how and why I’m feeling a little panicky. I do have some things written but most of them have a) already been submitted to a contest, 2) meant for my website once I get it up so that I have some posts to get me started, 3) something I consider terrible or just don’t like. With the exception of maybe one flash fiction piece. I’m just not sure about finding a place for it. Especially since it’s just a cute, silly story, and it takes place during winter. I just… I know there are loads of journals that accept flash fiction, but I don’t know. I may ask one of my friends to read it and see what they think. I hate to sound so needy but this is all feeling a little overwhelming. And of course if that thing doesn't work, I HAVE TO WRITE ANOTHER STORY. 

I should mention that I do at least have a rough draft to submit for the story contest so I’ll probably do that tomorrow. Of course the thing with that story is that I like it but I’m not sure that I’ve really adhered to the prompt. We had several to choose from and I liked the one I picked a lot and I do like what I’ve written, but again I’m not sure that it fulfills the prompt. At the same time, there’s a limit of 1000 words for the story and if I were going to do everything I wanted to do, I’d probably end up with twice that. Not that I’d really need twice that, I’d just be having fun writing. I can get a little repetitive, I know this and I’m working on it. 

I do have what could be the first chapter in a novel or novella written. The problem is I don’t have much of anything else for the story planned. The chapter itself came about by accident and I don’t know about submitting a chapter of a book I don’t know if I’ll write more of. At the same time, if it’s a start I might be able to make something of it. I mean, I feel a little lost when it comes to plotting things so that’s something I’ve been wanting to work on anyway so maybe this is the chance. I am a little nervous about submitting something to a group that has a lesbian as a main character though just because I don’t know anything about any of these people. At the same time, the world isn’t really queer friendly on a whole and I already know I want to write queer literature (emphasis on the queer, take “literature” with a grain of salt or just a whole canister) and I’m going to have to face whatever issues come with that eventually. 

I may need to rename her - the main character in that not quite “chapter”. I’m not sure her name works. I’ll have to think on that too. 

I’m going to have to start writing a story every other day so that I have enough to go around!

Friday night I’m going with a couple of the girls from work to see Wonder Woman and probably have dinner. I’m looking forward to it, but since my story has to be posted by midnight, I will need have whatever I’m submitting to them posted before I go so the movie. The managers will be back by then and we’re having a cookout so I have no idea what that day will be like. I may have plenty of time to work on these things, I may have none so I probably really need to post it by Thursday, just to be safe. 

I know I’m just scared. I know I’m just worried that other people will be better than me. There will always be people out there better than me in some way or another. That’s the way the world works. And even if you’re on top for a while, there will always be someone who comes along to beat your record. That’s not only how the world works, but how it’s supposed to work. Expansion and growth and invention are a natural part of the world’s cycle. And just because someone else is better doesn’t mean there isn’t room for me too. 

I needed to get some of this out because it was blocking me a little. I think I can approach things a little more calmly and rationally now. Wish me luck!

float_on_alright: procrastination is hard work (procrastination is hard work)
2017-05-06 09:24 pm

Creative Flows

I’m reading “The Artist’s Way” right now, well I just started it really. One of the things she’s mentions is “morning pages” - three handwritten pages every morning to help get your shit out of your way at the beginning of the day (or at least that’s what it sounds like from what I’ve read so far which again hasn’t been much). I find that idea intriguing and I'm looking forward to seeing what other things she has in store. She recommends reading the book through once before you get started with the activities. I have a copy checked out from the library but I found a copy on ThriftBooks and it’s currently on it’s way to me. I’m hopeful that it will arrive today in the mail so that it will be there when I get home tomorrow. But it isn't a big deal if it takes a few more days for that book and the other couple of books I ordered to get to me especially since I have the library book for a few more days. 

Intellectually, I know that the more you work on being creative, the more you practice being creative, the more easily creativity will happen and flow. But I think my subconscious has been terrified that I’ll “use up” all my creativity and that it will be gone and I’ll have nothing left and then I’ll be empty and it’ll kill me - not in the literal sense, but that I’ll be a husk with no real person left in me. That's not how creativity works. 

When I was writing consistently, 90% less writer’s block than when I was just writing when it struck me. Writing stories begets writing stories. The more that with people about writing and the stories, the more story ideas I had - so many I could rarely keep up with them. I have experience that says I’ll be a more productive writer the more that I write so how it is I still have that fear, I’m not sure. I’m thinking that maybe it’s because I’ve never addressed the fear itself - not head on. Or maybe it’s a fear that will always be something I have to face head on, day after day. And maybe that’s okay. Afterall, the only way to face that fear every day is to write every day. So, here I go, Day 6, to write another story. 

float_on_alright: we prefer intellectual badass (we prefer intellectual badass)
2017-04-12 11:37 pm

Webinars and Sunshine

I have had a pretty long day though not at all a bad one. If anything it’s been good. Laughed a lot. Saw good people. Enjoyed some sunshine. Went to communion with mom. Watched a really interesting presentation about blogging and platform building. With lots going on at work, including a 1.5 hour meeting and trying to get to all my schools before they’re off for the next few days, I didn’t have time to do any writing. I did start brainstorming how I want the Wynonna Earp story to flow. I have a few scenes I like but I’m “stuck” trying to find the flow between them and how I want to wrap up the story. Like there’s one scene with Waverly and Nicole which is pretty much my main goal in writing this story… 

Shit. I just realized I am writing the story because I want to have that scene and I just need a few other things in order to get to that scene which means the reason I’m stuck may be because I’ve been trying to write a story that goes from point A to point G when what I really want to write is point C to E. 

This is one of the reasons I love journaling about writing. I know it’s fanfiction and all but writing about the experience of writing seems to clarify a whole lotta shit for me or give me leverage when I’m stuck in the mud.

It’s kind of fascinating, honestly, that writing about writing is so helpful. 

It’s nearly 11:30 now and I’ve got work tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll have a busy day. I hope to do more writing tomorrow. I actually got a good chunk written for something I would kind of like to post on Medium yesterday so I feel good about my overall progress for the week. In other good news, it looks like we’re going to get to leave work early on Friday! Woot! Alright, I’m out. 

float_on_alright: I have no idea what i'm doing out of bed (no idea what i'm doing out of bed)
2017-03-30 11:27 pm

The struggle! March 30th

I did get the last little section from the first attempt at a Wynonna Earp story and added to my new draft of my Wynonna Earp fic today which felt good. I was able to write a little more story too. I’m feeling a little stuck again. I’m not sure if I want to jump straight to action or work on more of their plans for action. I lack confidence in writing action and so I end up putting off writing it which is probably why I’m stuck. I know that going into details about their plans for attacking 1) doesn’t make a lot of sense since Wynonna tends to be a shoot first, shoot second, shoot a little more, and then threaten to shoot whoever is left alive to question until they smart mouth her and she shoots them, 2) the audience doesn't really need it, and 3) writing one thing to procrastinate another is probably not going to produce great storytelling. 
Part of my resistance too is building the side story and making sure that I get to write good Waverly/Nicole moments because those are important to me. And then my other struggle is that I’m a WynDolls shipper but I love the shit out of Doc and I want to wrap him in bubble wrap and feed him cake … or something, idk where I was going with that except that I’m going to have a hard time writing WynDolls like I want to because it will mean that I’m hurting Doc. 
Listen, I realize that the real Doc Holliday is quite dead and that the John Henry on the TV show is a fictional character played by an actor but that doesn’t make hurting their fictional feelings any easier for me. I don’t like hurting people, apparently not even fictional ones. 
I have a lot of where I want the story to go settled in my mind but sometimes getting there is tricky. I may try to write a scene I know I want to have and then adjust it later when I fit it in with other parts of the story. I want to be writing and I want to be building this story (it would be so amazing if I could post it before the show starts back). I may make that story my priority for April writing. 
I am about halfway through the first round of editing my soulmates story. I thought I would be doing a lot of cutting but so far that hasn’t been true. Once I get through it, I’ll be sending it over to my darling Rebby so she can have a look and then I’ll go through it once more and post it at that point. I’m looking forward to posting it. Not so much because I think there will be much response (there are 13 people in the fandom, maybe) but I’ll be glad to see it finished. I haven’t posted much of anything lately and it’ll be good just to be “back in the game” for a lack of a better way to put it. 
I’m out of dry shampoo which is disappointing. It means I’ll probably have to take a shower in the morning (the horror!) so I’d better get to sleep. I’ve got a lot of planning calls on the schedule for tomorrow so being rested would be a good idea.