I didn’t feel like writing tonight. I didn’t want to write. I wanted to read a little and pass out or possibly just pass out or possibly read the rest of my book I’m only 35% into and then take a nap before work. But while I do hope to go to bed soon and a little early for me, I’m not going to skip writing tonight. I’m not.
There are several reasons for that. One is that when you’re building a habit the only way to make something truly habitual is to do it even when you don’t want to it. Do it over and over. When you want to, when you don’t want to, when you’re too tired, when you're bored, when you’re annoyed etcetera. And I want writing to be a habit again.
I’ve been struggling a little emotionally lately and I’m trying to get back “in the flow”. Part of it is that I think I need to make my bed time a little earlier as I still don’t think I’m getting quite enough sleep on the regular. Part of it is that things are getting busy at work and that adds a level of stress that I’m still working on coping with.
Understand that while my job is stressful and I got chewed out half of last Friday and a good bit yesterday, I don’t really have a stressful job - comparatively speaking. I’ve had jobs that were more stressful and I made half as much (and with benefits that weren’t as good or just didn’t exist). Anyway, I’m just feeling a little discouraged and I while I’m working on a number of things to help me get back on track one of the things that I know contributed to my recent deep depressions was not writing at all. No way can I let myself step back into that cycle. I won’t feel better tomorrow if I don’t write today.
I found some journal topics to try to help me a little so that I would at least have a topic and I found the following quote:
“What in your life is calling you? When all the noise is silenced, the meetings adjourned, the lists laid aside, and the wild iris blooms by itself in the dark forest, what still pulls on your soul? In the silence between your heartbeats hides a summons, do you hear it? Name it, if you must, or leave it forever nameless, but why pretend it is not there?” — The Terma Collective
For all that I don’t feel like writing - well, for all I FELT like I didn’t want to write tonight, that thing that calls to me in the quiet it is writing and I’ve known that for more than half my life. Why in the hell should I ever not be writing if that’s true? It’s okay if it’s a journal entry or a book review or a note to a friend or a story or a poem or shit the description of my favorite cereal. I don’t care what I’m writing, as long as I keep doing it.
I’ve been reading a lot of cool articles and one of them was talking about how your brain is the product of not only general genetics but also of millennia of evolution centered around attempting survival and procreation. Your brain evolved to help you survive. Which, awesome because it’s given us amazing things, but, it’s always going to tell you to play it safe. Your ancestors on a whole did not survive by prancing through the forest or rashly facing off against predators - nay, nay your ancestors survived by hiding in the cave cautiously waiting to see if there was a mountain lion on the hunt (or whatever). My point is, your brain wants you to be safe so it’s always going to tell you not to task the risk.
Risk, in the majority of our biological history meant almost certain and probably painful death. Of course your brain wants to prevent that.
The other thing I love that I read recently, and I may have mentioned it in an earlier post but it’s sticking with me is that all your thoughts are merely suggestions. They are not law. They are not absolute truth. Most of our thoughts are not even our own - not really. They’re things programmed into us by society and our parents. I wouldn't have a ton of self conscious thoughts about having facial hair if society hadn’t constructed and perpetuated the ridiculous notion that women don’t have, and shouldn’t have hair except for like eyebrows and on the top of their heads. Shit, most of the hairlessness of women in today's society was invented so that razor companies could sell more razors - they’d taken their business as far as they felt they could go just selling to men I guess. I find it disturbing.
One of these “thoughts” I recently over threw for myself was the idea that “I can’t wear dark lipstick and that red lipsticks don’t look good on me”. My mother hates dark lipsticks and heavy reds and she basically pounded into me awful they looked on me because she doesn’t like them ON ANYONE. All that time avoiding bright red lipsticks I coveted because my mom doesn’t find that look appealing? I wear a lot of bright red or dark lipsticks now. Oh there have been some I’ve found that don’t compliment my skin tone. For example I got one of the “Bold” colors - maybelline I think? - and it was this gooorrgeous deep purple. Unfortunately, it was too much of a “cold” color to go well with my complexion. But I have some other purple colors that are more red based than blue that have a warmer undertone that are just as dark and bold but look fantastic on me.
I know that probably seems like a really minor example and maybe it is but don’t we all have to start somewhere? I need to face things like “I’m no good with money” so that I can turn them into “I struggled with money in the past but I’m kicking ass at it now”. There are so many long held beliefs that spin thoughts in my head that need to be seriously fact checked. Sometimes though, you have to fight the small battles first.
I know I’m a long way from where I started with this and my eyes are getting all droopy so I’m going to stop here, but I imagine all these things stem from themes that I’ll be revisiting soon.
Side note, I passed another module exam today but I’m still working to make sure I have a solid grip on at least most of the signs that were introduced in the section before I move on.