float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)
 

I think I’m going to make. I found two more places to submit to, reworked my cover letters, and fired away. I also did the next assignment which was to write the people whose opinions of your writing really matter on a 1 inch by 1 inch piece of paper. I don’t have a ruler so I had to wing it, but I figure no one can complain about me putting three people on the list. I mean, that should be short enough to fit on a 1 square inch piece of paper. Especially if I shortened their names or wrote them really small, right? Anyway, while I’m sure the visual reference is helpful, and I might do it one day, I think the message of the assignment was clear. I guess what I’m saying is, I’m a “spirit of the law” kind of girl and that ain’t gonna change anytime soon.


Part of me wants to power through the other two assignments tonight, but I think I need some rest. I think that I’ll be able to complete them tomorrow more easily and quickly having got some real sleep.


Tomorrow will also hopefully involve some writing something that isn’t a journal entry, but we’ll see. I’m also eager to finish the book I’m listening to. It’s interesting to me that the narrator of the stories isn’t a narrator I’ve been thrilled with in the past but I still think I’d rather stick with listening to the stories instead of reading them. I’m not totally sure, but I am leaning that way. Normally I find her barely tolerable and it’s not like she’s doing such a better job on these than she did on the others I’ve heard by her. Maybe it’s just that these books are so much better than the other books I’ve heard her read. Not that the other books were bad, they weren’t. It’s just that those other books were… “well, that was fun” as opposed to what I’m listening to now which is more like, how can I get five more minutes listening to this book. I know, I’ll empty the dishwasher, that way “I’m being productive” so I won’t feel guilty about how I’m spending this time but I can still listen to the book.


What I’m reading now is by one of my all time favorite writers, Shelly Laurenston. I just relistened to her “Pride” series, which is probably my favorite series by her though her “Call of Crows” series is fantastic too and I enjoyed her “Magnus Pack” series too. This series is under her pen name (I think it’s her pen name and not the other way round), G.A. Aiken. It’s Dragons and witches and warlords and shit. Where her shapeshifter books take place in modern, earth times, Dragon Kin takes place in a world of Dragon Gods and swords. Both epically fun though. You have to have an affinity for cursing, bloodshed, raunchy language, and sort of questionable or unstable main characters, but I find them hilarious and exciting. She’s one of the few authors I still read that doesn’t really pass the “But is it gay?” question. She does have an odd side character (I can think of 2 for sure and a 3rd I suspect) who turns out to be gay, but they’re not developed. Still though, I enjoy her main characters. Her female characters are especially fun to me because they’re usually vicious (though in different ways, sometimes with violence, but sometimes in craftiness) and funny.  I mean, one of her characters has the moniker “The Blood Queen” and she’s actually a queen. “The Viper” and “The Beast” are really fun too. “The Beast” is plain and bespectacled and brilliant. One of the characters in the “Pride” series is famous for her favorite saying which she got from her father, “Time to start the killing.” And Cella Malone is a former marine, a bare knuckles boxer, and a hockey player. There’s all kinds of “politics” between shifters and packs and families and it’s just fun. She’s also suppppper diverse with characters who are of a bunch of different backgrounds and descents.


And I’m officially rambling. But seriously, I love that author. She’s got another series she’s going to be doing soon, I think it’s coming out next year that has me really excited.


So now that I’ve blown off some steam writing about the author of the book I want to be reading, I’m going to go listen to the book for a bit and get some sleep.


Oh Kate.

Jun. 24th, 2017 12:13 am
float_on_alright: I have no idea what i'm doing out of bed (no idea what i'm doing out of bed)
 

So last night I said I was either going to go write some more or go to sleep. I got into bed and I think I had every intention of going to sleep but then somehow I put on my book that I had been listening to earlier in the day, maybe I just thought I’d listen to one more funny bit - I can’t rightly remember where my mind was - and then I ended up listening to it and playing games on my phone until I’d finished somewhere around 6 am. And then I got up around 9:45 am to go for a walk. I know, madness. Absolutely craziness. I really want to watch the new episode of Wynonna Earp that aired tonight and stay up and tweet about it and I want to write more after that but I think I probably won’t. I’ve got a bit of a headache and I need more than anything else in the world right now, besides breathing I guess, to get this mascara off my face. I don’t know what I was thinking putting on mascara. I mean it looks pretty but I fucking hate mascara. Anyway, if I’m incoherent tomorrow, y’all will know why.

 

 
float_on_alright: apologize in advance as I slowly go nuts (apologize in advance as I slowly go nuts)
 

So last night I had every intention of going to bed after I finished writing a big. I went upstairs, brushed my teeth, got into bed… and realized I had woken myself up a bit with the getting read part. So I thought I’d just listen to a bit more of my book Silver Silence by Nalini Singh. It was just after midnight and I figured I’d just listen for a few minutes. But see, the book was really, really good. I’ve been following the series for about five years now. I think the first book was published in 2006 but I didn’t find them until there was a sale on the Audible editions and I came across them by chance.

 

It’s interesting that with this series there were a few I didn’t love and the second most recent was a giant monstrosity that flipped back and forth between nearly every remotely significant character she’d ever written about in the series (that wasn’t dead, obvs) and was basically all these characters we’d been following for fourteen books and innumerable short stories, novellas, and extras having babies or obsessing about babies or thinking of having babies. It was A LOT OF BABIES. Which makes a certain amount of sense really. I mean how you can write romance books that take place over several years in the same “world” and not have at least some of them popping out babies? You can’t is the answer to that. It was hard to focus though because there were just so many perspectives. It was still good, but I was starting to wonder how much longer I was really going to be invested in the series/world - especially since she didn’t really have any gay characters.

 

HAHHHHHH. I stayed up until after 5am last night desperate to get to the end. And while the main characters of course get together and start their lives together, the book still managed to end on one MAJOR cliffhanger and a minor one or two. So I listened to a 16+ hour book in about a day and a half even with all the Father’s Day activities we did yesterday and the writing and editing I’ve been doing and my exhaustion. Obviously, I’m going to be fighting to get my hands on a copy of the next one as early as possible which will still, very likely, be at least a year from now.

 

She also added a couple of gay characters who look like they might get together. There’s a potential - in my opinion - for a whole book. I don’t know how likely it is that she’ll write a whole book about them but I’m crossing every part of my body in hopes of a novella dedicated to them. I mean she’s given them the similar build up to some of her other characters in past books who went on to get their own books but I just don’t want to get my hopes up too high. I’m so excited and thankful that they exist and them being gay is treated totally casually and their interest in each other is treated in a way that’s just so freaking cuuuuuute that I have to say I am ecstatic about things thus far. I would buy seven more copies of this book if it gets me more of these two. God, I loved it when we got a hint of them. They’re not the focus of course and you get lots of information about each of them separately from each other. One of them is a trusted “second” of the main male character who is a changeling (read shapeshifter) bear and the other is the brother of the main female character (who is a powerful psy). The bear is flirting with the psy who is pretending not to be interested (he’s totally blushing and verbally sparing with the bear) and it’s AMAZING.

 

I’m a little stressed about everything I need to do tomorrow - submit my story to the contest, work on my lit mag course work (I’m behind), file for unemployment, take my dad’s car to the shop for him, finish doing laundry, start looking for jobs to apply for to qualify for unemployment, and pick up some books from the library for dad. I feel like I’ve forgotten something which isn’t helping the slight panic attack happening in my chest right now. I’m thinking about going back on the Wellbrutrin for a bit to see if it eases the panic attacks a little. I’d rather not get back on the medication if I can help it. It messed with my period in a way that’s super annoying and I already have PCOS (a hormonal disorder that comes with all kinds of lovely extra risks) so I really hate making that worse. I also feel like I did an amazing job at kicking depression (I totally did) and I feel iike that means I can kick the shit out of the anxiety too.

 

Let me be clear, there is no shame in taking medication. There is nothing wrong with taking medication. But I grew up with a mom who called medicine “third aid” and never gave us medicine unless we were dying (or killing her with our complaints probably). It’s one of those things that just stuck with me. So now I have to decide if my anxiety is killing me (or making me whine enough to make someone else want to give me the medicine) or if this is still treatable in other ways.

 

The other thing about the panic attacks is that they’re also a sort of barometer for my actions. If I’m doing things that are making me scared, it’s because I’m doing things that really matter to me and I’m afraid of succeeding and I’m afraid of failing and I’m totally headed in the right direction. I honestly believe if there isn’t a least a part of me that’s scared of whatever it is that I’m doing, I shouldn’t waste a lot of time on doing it. I want that gauge and I feel like it’s possible I’d lose it on the medication. If the medication is doing it’s job, I really should lose those indicators. It’s complicated against.

 

I’m not sure I’m making any sense any more so, peace and love y’all.

float_on_alright: we prefer intellectual badass (we prefer intellectual badass)
 
It doesn’t yet feel like I’m on vacation. It just feels like another weekend. I haven’t had a summer off since the first year I worked for Scholastic so I have to say I’m feeling a little nervous about the unemployment thing but also really excited to have six weeks of not going into work. I have about 43 days until I have to go back to work I think. I know that it’s going to go by in flash. I know that I will have barely taken a breath before I’m back there again, but at the same time - 43 days. 

I have lots of homework and writing to do and it is still feeling a little overwhelming, but I don’t have a lot going on this week after tomorrow so I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get a good chunk done thereby taking off some of that stress. 

I have so, so many things I’m looking forward to this summer not least of all writing though really. I didn’t get as much done this week as I would’ve liked writing wise but I did some good editing and I was exhausted. There’s only so much I can write when I’m really, really tired. I did a lot of reading though and that was very satisfying. I love to read and just hadn’t gotten in enough reading the last couple of months with all the writing and assignments. Reading for editing and reading for pleasure are just such different animals. I enjoy reading to give feedback and edit - I love it, mout of the time, actually. But they’re just so different and while they’re both satisfying in their own way, reading to edit/suggest changes/etc. just doesn't replace reading something that’s just being read for fun. Especially if someone else has done editing so that you have a nice cohesive story. 

I did get to write a little bit today. I’m working on my wolf shifter mystery thing and I got a little done today. It wasn’t easy considering I was still worn out and participating in a bunch of Father’s Day activities. We have some more planned for tomorrow but I should get to sleep in properly tomorrow which I think will be a great help to the situation. My other problem is that I’m listening to a book that I’m just really, really loving. 

Anyway, I’m looking forward to tackling my challenges this summer and hanging out with friends and hopefully a whole lot of reading by the pool! I am still nervous, but I don’t think that’s unusual. Plus I’ve been talking about how it’s good for me to do things that make me nervous and push me outside my comfort zone. Especially with something like this, that should really be fun and rewarding. 

I need to head to bed as much as I want to stay up and either write more or read more or both. Today has been wonderful and tomorrow will be too so long as I’m rested enough to enjoy it! Night y’all. 

float_on_alright: drink tea and read (drink tea and read)

I’m feeling a little burned out, I think. I know I'm a little disappointed that my Mrs. Claus story didn't get accepted to the anthology BUT she was very nice and I think she's right about why she passed on it. I'm very much considering re-writing the story and submitting it again later. Her submissions are done, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't fit anywhere else eventually if I work on it. 
 
I’m taking today and maybe tomorrow off from writing much because I think I do need a little bit of a break. But this isn’t a “giving up,” this is merely a tactical retreat to regroup, refuel, re-evaluate, and starting planning the next attack, so to speak. If it’s worth getting, it’s worth working hard for. I can improve. I can and I will. 
 
float_on_alright: claudia wide eyed (claudia the eyes)
Holy Shit!!! What a day! We went to see Wonder Woman after work today - myself and a couple of my coworker bundies. I enjoyed the movie immensely. Of course I knew the moment it started that … I won’t spoil the movie but let’s just say there were a couple of sad things that happened that I just knew were gonna happen. 
 
I did get all choked up at the obviously appropriate places but then I also got choked up at other places too. Like she’s going across battle lines… here she goes into No Man’s Land and directly into the line of a ton of German soldier’s guns including what I’m pretty sure was some sort of .50 caliber machine gun and I’m trying not to cry. She’s obviously not going to die in the scene - it’s not a sad scene but it’s still somehow so glorious, so fantastic, so inspiring to me that I’m ready to cry in semi-public. 
 
Oh man, it was just so wonderful. And Robin Wright was so fucking badass, holy shit omg I loved her so much. They say she may have part - as a flashback or similar - in the Justice League movie and I was already kind of excited about seeing that one because it does look fun so now I’m even more excited. 
 
And Lucy Davis, who plays Etta, stole every scene she was in. She was snarky, she was loyal, she was down for fisticuffs and she knew when something was up and because of that she followed and tried to help by using a sword that she had 0 familiarity with. Her comment about glasses on Diana was PERFECT. 
 
I watched the season two premiere of Wynonna Earp tonight and I’m just… still processing. I don’t even. And just… Yeah, I haven’t got words yet. I’ll probably re-watch it tomorrow when it’s on my iTunes account as I bought the season pass. 
 
float_on_alright: thor knocked over after jane hit him with the truck for the 2nd time (might thor ooops)

I was researching literary magazines today for my Lit Mag Love course which was kind of fun. In my adventures of writing and contests, I came across another contest that I loved the sound of. There was an entry fee (not uncommon) but there were different levels. At one level you could get access to a publisher’s feedback so I thought… well, that might be worth a shot. So, I sign up, I pay my fee and low and behold, not only is it a contest as I mentioned with feedback as promised it’s also a six week course that includes submitting a piece of work to those also in the group every week - or something like that. I was sort of confused. I woke up fairly early today so I could do the office hours for the Lit Mag Love group and so Dad and I could go to the pool for a bit (which was lovely) so I was still pretty sleepy. 

So yeah. I’ve managed to sign myself up for more homework. 

It’s okay though. It’ll be good practice, good motivation, and force me to come up with new stories and characters. 

The next few weeks are going to be crazy. The Lit Mag Love is a 6 week course that started last Monday. This other thing is a 6 week commitment - if I’m not mistaken - that I’ve started today. I still need to put something together for my DragonCon workshop. I’m hoping all this other stuff is going to help me with that though. 

Right, well, I've had a pretty busy day and I’m bushed. Not to mention, I have a shit ton I’m aiming to do this month. I need my rest. Wish me luck y’all!

Oh well.

Jun. 3rd, 2017 12:50 am
float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)
 Well I got a chunk of editing to done today which I’m excited about. I set my goals for the month which I’m excited about. They're outrageous of course. I mean, why not? I’m a little behind on my writing words already but again, I’m about to have a good amount of time off from work and I want to make sure that I use my time for these important projects not just for lazing around though there will be a good bit of that too. 
 
Nope, can’t hold my eyes open. Night y’all. 
 

Tires

May. 27th, 2017 12:40 am
float_on_alright: mini clint caught up in wires (hang in there clint)
 
I had a pretty unusual day today - work was short. It was employee appreciation day so they brought us in brunch and we got to play games and leave early. I won’t go into all the details, but our little group playing scattergories and at some point someone was trying to say they were going to use “dung” as a weapon, but they said dong instead and I was crying actual tears and could barely breathe before we moved onto other things so that was really fun. 
 
After work I went to Walmart because I could grocery shop while I got my tires replaced. I would’ve liked to have gone to someone other than Walmart. But with nobody out here with me right now, I can’t leave my car someone and circumstances what they were I just really needed convenient. I had to grocery shop at some point so it made a lot of sense to use my time waiting on my car to do my shopping. They paged me to say my car was done right as I was checking out so the timing was unbelievable. 
 
After that the dog and I walked and it was great because the weather was beautiful and sunny. 
 
Ugh, I can barely hold my eyes open. *Sigh* 
 
float_on_alright: bad health plan (cavaties)
I’m probably going to make a slight adjustment to my daily goals. I’m probably going to cut the writing time to 30-35 minutes. I’ll probably still write for a combined total of an hour, but my brain is like stressing over the 60 minute thing for some reason. I also want to add 10 - 15 minutes of meditation because I'm was really needing it today and as soon as I spent 10 minutes being quiet, I felt a great deal better. That would mean my total goal spending time would be 2 hours which my brain just really likes. Apparently any more than that and it start to feel like I can’t handle anything at all and I should just watch four episodes of “Death in Paradise” and go to bed. 

I’m super tired again today unfortunately. Monday night and Tuesday night were both spent up late because of *the situation* and getting my feelings on that out. Then today on my way home from work, about a 37 second drive from my house, I hit a drainage thing and my tire burst. Poor tire. I thought I would be there a while. The roadside people said I had to stay with my car and while it takes no time to drive to my house, I didn’t feel good about walking home and walking back in time not to miss the help people. But then two of my neighbors helped me. Swapped my tire out and sent me on my way. I felt a bit bad about canceling the help people but they were going going to be a bit longer and my neighbors had it taken care of before I could even really protest. Both of them had arm muscles bigger around than my head and one of them lived so close I could hit his house with a paper airplane (the other lives close enough to me that I could hit his house with a paper airplane from my driveway or my upstairs bedroom window) and he had a hydraulic - think that’s what it’s called - lift so it was seconds of a couple of lever pulls for me to have my car up. They took turns with the lug nuts and the donuts and I was set in no time. 

I had a pretty productive day overall. I did reading for self improvement and writing. I did do reading for fun (well, I listened to a book while I walked the dog, but I totes count that). I did exercise by walking the dog a little over a mile. I got stuff for my actual job done at work today. Obviously I’m working on writing. 

I don’t know if I’m going to be able to work in editing though and I’m not sure that I should. As off as my head has been the last couple of days and as tired as I am right now, I don’t think I can be an effective editor. 

I think the list I made is a pretty good one and I am tweaking it a little and probably will as I go along and as much as I want to truly create good new habits, I feel like editing is the one thing I can’t do when I’m tired. Writing can be edited - I can make what I wanted to write clear enough to figure out later even when I’m exhausted. I’m not saying anyone else would understand what I was going for but I would know so it’s not a problem to write sloppily (as long as it isn't total gibberish which has only happened a couple of times in cases of extreme exhaustion combined with insobriety). I can walk the dog even when I’m tired partly because she keeps me on my toes the little shit. I guess I could fall asleep meditating but I wouldn’t be the first or last person to do that today and I may still be able to reap some of the benefits even if I slip off at some point. Reading can be a bit of a challenge. I probably only read half of what I would read when I’m rested if I’m reading when I’m really tired, but I am still making progress. 

But editing man, editing requires good reading and clear writing and focus - it’s like an exercise all my other goals put together and I don’t think I’m going to be able to cut it tonight as far as editing goes. 

I want to be okay with this but I don’t want to become okay with not meeting my goals so I’m struggling a little. 

However, I can’t remember if I said - I think I mentioned the concept at least - but one of the goal rules I read somewhere was to chunk goals down and if you didn’t meet one goal you had to add that goal to the next set - so you had to get those lingering things plus the entirety of the next set. 

I think that’s what I’ll do here. I’m going to save editing for tomorrow. I can barely hold my eyes open and even when they are open, they’re watery, but feeling dry and aggravated, and blurry. 

So yeah. I’m calling it a night. <3

float_on_alright: never let anyone treat you like a yellow starburts you're a pink starburst (never let anyone treat you like a yellow)
 
Since I’ve finished Wynonna Earp and my Mrs. Claus stories (Reb has kindly looked through my Mrs. Claus so it’s still in the editing process) I haven’t been sure what I wanted to work on next. I picked up working on a creepy story I started while I was working on the StoryADay challenge - it was one of the ones I liked the concept of from stories I wrote or started during those days. I have a little more written in it since I started it but it’s a creepy topic/story to me and since I’m holding down the fort with just the dog, I don’t want to work on that after dark. It’s one thing to work on it when it’s sunny and warm, but not this close to dark. 

So I don’t feel good working on that tonight since I’ll end up giving myself nightmares. I mean I’m hoping it means I’m writing a good story if I’m giving myself the creeps writing it. 

Does Stephen King get creeped out by his own stories, I wonder? I should read his “On Writing” book again. My mom actually bought that book for me when I was about 13 - 14 and I started talking about wanting to be a writer. She's such a good momma. Especially considering I’m pretty sure she hates Stephen King.

Not the point. I have a short romance story I really like but it’s super short and I don’t think it would be good for submitting to the Writer’s Market Competition. I would like to submit something to that but I am just not sure what I would want to send in. Maybe the horror story if I can finish and edit it in time. It’s due by something like the 30 or 31st of May so I don’t have a lot of time left. But I’m also trying to face my fears as far as submission and possible publication so it’s important for me to keep working forward. 

I do wanna say I had a wonderful day today. I spent several hours in the sun today - the pools had a party for kicking off the summer pool months and for the renovations at the clubhouse and clubhouse pool that I went to. They had a lot of fun games for the kids (not that adults weren’t allowed to play too - they were). They had a MC and everything. He played some good music and the games for the kids were pretty clever. I bet the parents were glad of the games because I’d bet money those kids were worn out after that afternoon at the pool. I spent 3 hours and change there. The sun always leaves me feeling a little drowsy. The dog and I also did a couple of hundredths shy of a mile and a half walking today which was fun. But meant more time in the sun. Basically, I’m sunburned and sleepy. Lol. 

Plus I was woken up several times this morning high was okay the second time but I was a little annoyed about the first. I did wanna say goodbye to my folks before they went off on their road trip, but they woke me up and it was almost 30 minutes before they actually left after that and they wanted me to help with stuff. I probably still would’ve gone back to sleep after that, but I got back in bed only to hear them come back because they’d forgotten something and since that was like the third time I’d been hauled out of bed I figured I’d just get up. It was still a nice morning. I watched an NCISLA and at breakfast before heading to the pool around noon. 

The pool was great as I mentioned. I did spend like an hour just surfing Facebook which I think I may have needed to spend most of today just unwinding. I feel like Facebook is such a waste of time but I was watching some funny videos and a couple of sweet ones so it wasn't just memes about people's political opinions and I have been working hard lately. I need to do better with the job I'm currently paid to do so that it will continue to take care of me until such time as I figure out how to make money writing. 

Anyway, I'm worn out. I've got a big to-do list for tomorrow so I had better get some sleep. Peace. 

float_on_alright: when in doubt go to the library (when in doubt go to the library)
I was able to do a little work in one of my stories today - work that I’m pleased with if I’m honest. I had kind of an outline started from back when I was doing the Story a Day challenge (you know- like five whole days ago or something?) but I’d been too tired that day to finish it. It’s was really more like 300 words of just “and then, and then, and then” so I had to erase chunks of it (not that there was a whole lot to begin with) and rewrite them as a story instead of as a description of things that were “happening”. I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense but an example might be the difference between:

One of our friends, Suze, said she was done for the night and headed home.

Versus:

“Oh shit, how is it already three? I gotta go take a nap. I have to be in class in like five hours,” Suze said, wincing. 

This isn’t Pulitzer Prize winning stuff or anything but this gives you a better idea. 

I love writing dialog. I think sometimes I write too much of it for the story and make my stories rely on it too much just because I have so much fun writing conversations. 

But as excited as I am to be re-working that story, I’m just too tired to really keep going. Today was a training day again and I’m honestly just drained again. The meetings went so much better today than yesterday but I’m still worn a little thin. I’ve actually requested to leave early on Friday so that I can recoup a little. I don’t know how early i’ll leave but I am looking forward to a bit of a break. And because I’ve stayed late the last few days, Idon’t anticipate having to use much - if any - PTO which is great because I need to save up days for DragonCon. 

The great thing is, I should have a really nice day next Friday and get to go home early on the company for Employee Appreciation Day. 

Of course all this stuff means that I really need to get some shit done. I may be working through the 16th of June but I think the majority of my schools will go on leave shortly after the 5th. 

I'm struggling a little with my motivation there. I think I have summer-itis pretty dang bad this year.

Anyway, lack of sleep doesn’t help so I’m going to pass out. 

Night y’all.

float_on_alright: I have no idea what i'm doing out of bed (no idea what i'm doing out of bed)
I’m pretty wiped out today. It’s not been a bad day or anything but I was helping to do some training for a few of our less technology savvy people in the office and while I’m okay at coaching or tutoring, I have felt confident in my teaching ability in the past and this definitely more teaching than tutoring. I know people think that these things are the same but they’re not. Teacher’s come up with the topic for the classes and prepare presentations and then assign practice. And while I don’t really have to assign them “homework” per se, the other two things sort of apply. I’m mostly fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pantsing-it but I still have to teach people stuff. And they don’t seem to be able to tell me what they don’t know because they don’t think they know what they don’t know, but dude, I have no idea what they don’t know. 

With coaching, it’s like “okay you can sort of throw the ball, let's work on your stance and the mechanics” where is this them saying “we have been given a baseball but we don’t want to use it because we just don’t feel comfortable using it.” 

Or something. 

I don’t know, I’m far too brain dead to be trying to figure out these sorts of metaphors. 

The meetings themselves were nearly 2 hours long and then I had to be there early to prep and stay after to “debrief” for lack of a better word so when all was said and done I probably spent about 5 or 6 hours on this stuff today. Which meant I had to try to juggle answering emails and returning phone calls in between. I meant to get there early to give myself a chance, but there are innumerable shifting construction sites and there was an accident on the highway (it didn’t look bad, but it was at an odd spot) that cause major extra congestion so I ended up being a little late instead. I should leave my house early than I do if I’m honest, and I am trying to be. I always have good intentions but then I just wake up so freaking sleepy. 

Anyway, that only leave about an hour and forty-five minutes for my normal work so I stayed a half an hour late. 

I was stuck inside the office all day. I barely took fifteen minutes for my lunch so I just scared it down once I’d finished heating it. I kind of wish I had gone outside to eat but I didn’t feel I had enough time to make it worth it and I really don’t think I did. I think going outside would’ve just made it harder to go back inside and do my work. 

Because I felt so stifled by the office today, so trapped by it, I knew I had to have a walk or something outside. So when I got home I did go for a walk. It was quite warm but it isn’t at full peak heat and humidity yet so it was still pretty pleasant, thankfully. I was able to listen to a little bit of a book that I was reading for fun which was lovely. Randomly, a few of the neighborhood sprinklers were on - the community grass areas, not like private property ones. They’re along the sidewalks so I was able to run through a few sprinklers and that was a blast. I was definitely acting a bit like a little kid for that. It was just necessary though. I think God or the universe knew that I needed something. 

The rest of my evening has been pretty nice. I still need to finish my word count and re-save that podcast with the correct information. 

Of course part of the problem is that I can barely keep my eyes open - I’m just absolutely exhausted and I still need to brush my teeth and clean off my make up. It’s going to be at least 11 by the time I do that all and messing with the podcast already sounds like a terrible chore. And it’s ridiculous because honestly I think it’ll take 90 seconds maximum to get it all right I just don’t want to do it. I’m tired and I want to go to bed. And I want to sleep until I need to walk out the door in the morning instead of messing with it. 

I’m hoping that I’ll feel some sort of pride or accomplishment once it’s posted on the website. I guess we’ll see. 

float_on_alright: claudia wide eyed (claudia the eyes)
I don’t feel like it today. I just don’t. I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna. I’m tired and cranky and I want to go to bed. Actually, it’s not so much cranky as just a general sense of feeling like I’m tapped out. I was so tired today that half the time I felt like I couldn’t form words. I went through barrels of caffeine - like the kind of caffeine consumption they normally advise against. So much caffeine that at some point I had the shakes. 

I did feel hugely proud of myself for a couple of things today. I had a meeting with Johnny about my unrebooked schools for fall and Scott said I did really good. Those are normally the kinds of meetings that freak me out and I was a little nervous beforehand, but it was like this sense of calm and composure just fell over me as we were going through my schools. Maybe it was because I really have gotten a feel for my territory but I think a lot of it has to do with how much better of a place I’m in emotionally right now. It’s just such a massive difference. 

I think meditating and maybe doing some yoga too is a big help. My mind felt so calm today at that meeting. 

Or maybe I was just too tired to expend the extra energy on worrying and stressing. 

I don't know. I guess I felt really in the flow and in tune. He pointed out that I had the lowest rebooking rate for fall of the teams and that in the past would’ve stressed me the hell out and put me off and sent me into a tizzy of stress, worry, defensiveness, and general fear. Instead, it just didn't even phase me. I knew where I was and just said, I think that’s right. I admitted two of the things that had contributed, one of which was because of a misunderstanding I had and I admitted that but without feeling like some sort of huge failure or fear. I had such a sense of calm and purpose. 

I hope to carry that into more and more, I really do. I just hope it wasn’t because I'm as literally too tired to stress. Although, I’m not sure that I’ve ever been so tired that I haven’t had the energy to stress or worry before. I don’t think that’s a thing. 

In this moment, I am resentful of myself for saying that I was going to write a story every day. I did think that I was going to give myself one day off each week from story writing because 31 stories felt like too much or too stressful or that there would be a day I didn’t have the time or energy for it. 

The thing is, now that I’ve been at it for a little bit, I feel compelled to keep going and frustrated in my lack of creative flow, I feel like “taking a break” at this point could set me back from the habits I’m trying to build, it feels like I’d be letting myself down from a goal, and more and more I believe that it’s the moment when you most don’t want to do something that you absolutely should do it. I didn’t want to exercise earlier but I did anyway and it was good. 

And I don't want to negotiate with myself. I want to set a goal and stick with it because I’ve decided to do it. Once you’ve decided to do something negoatiting isn't an option on the table any more, that’s the point. 

I guess my point is that I’m going to have to go write a story. 

 

Sleep

Apr. 29th, 2017 12:17 am
float_on_alright: I have no idea what i'm doing out of bed (no idea what i'm doing out of bed)

I do love being at the beach. Being here though for writing is kind of hard. With three of us in a space of about 600 square feet there’s just no way not to be under someone’s feet or have someone under your feet. Plus I like being near the porch so I can see the ocean or out on the porch and so does everyone else. I mean you certainly don’t want to come all the way down to the beach, make the several hour trip, and then not be near the ocean. Duh. But so does everyone else. Then to make it more fun, there’s only one bedroom so usually mom and I have the beds in the bedroom and Dad sleeps on the Murphy bed in the living room. The living/dining/kitchen areas are all open and connected so you can’t, say, sit at the kitchen table without annoying someone who is sleeping on the Murphy bed. You can’t be in the bedroom without keeping mom awake. I could go on the porch, possibly, but that still means coming past Murphy bed in the dark. 

Granted, no one is in bed yet. I could, I supposed, lock myself in the bedroom at this point but there are two issues I have with that. 1) It’s over looking the parking lot and the open hallway like space where people walk back and forth from there places to the elevators - not scenic, not peaceful. 2) I haven't seen dad in a couple of weeks and I won’t see him for a couple more after this so I’d rather not lock myself away. I know I still need to write. It’s really important. And not just that I write, but that I meet my goals. I’ve done it all week, reached 1000 words every day. It’s been great getting so much work done on Wynonna Earp. It’s basically done. I mean it’ll need to be edited of course and that will mean add some, lose some. But the story is down which feels complete if not precisely finished. 

I love having a story down. 

I need to work on my Mrs. Claus story. I have a basic idea of who she is. She’s a race car driver and she wants to get back into stunts. My problem is plot. Is it enough to show her having to get passed people who think that women, especially an old lady, aren’t professional drivers? Is a commercial stunt the way I want to go? I think it is. I mean, I can’t see her being able to get to racing. I mean in that in it would ruin her cover as the ACTUAL Mrs. Claus and I don’t think I want that for the story. At the very least that’s not what I was thinking I wanted to do with the story. I guess that could very well be a point of plot. The stories are supposed to be Mrs. Claus empowering, I just hadn’t considered the idea of her revealing herself and her husband in the process. 

It could be fun though, I suppose. But then, I think the trouble would  be that since she is a creature steeped in the magical world that there would be some rule made that she was cheating and she’d get kicked out. Although of course, that could be a plot point too. Either fighting the ruling for all magical creatures or creating a special league for them. That could be fun! I’ll definitely have to keep thinking on it. 

I was out late last night for “Wuthering Heights” which was specially re-designed as a ballet. My friend Emily and I went to see it. We enjoyed ourselves immensely although I think mostly because we were together. The ballet was quite good. There was a pre-show too, MAPS I think it was called. It was incredible. It was like visual mediation. I mean the athleticism was incredible, the emotion was vibrate. But watching put me in the kind of mind place that I’m always aiming for when I mediate. Lost in the flow of quiet and inner peacefulness. There was one movement (?) where it was only one person and they danced without any music. It was both disconcerting and amazing. 

We’d gone to dinner first which was delicious. I also drank half a glass of wine. It was so fun. Truly. 

My friend Jay and I are going to do a StoryADay challenge for May that I’m excited to do. Of course, I feel a little stressed and scared too. It’s not easy to write a whole story never mind write a whole story in one day. I’ve been trying to have patience for longer stories, but I also think that writing whole stories all at once will be good practice too. Going through the process of beginning, middle, and end - even if they’re truncated - I think will be great. Plus, I think the pressure on the need to be creative and come up with new story lines - ones I can mostly manage in a day - will be fantastic practice for writing. I can’t remember the last time that I finished a whole story in one day though it may have been when I wrote a little mini perspective peice for Danny Williams from Hawaii 5-0 6 or 7 years ago when the show was still in it’s first season. 

I didn’t get home until like midnight what with dinner and the ballet and all and then I worked half a day and then we drove down to the beach. I am so, so tired. It’s also started to get late because I’m scattered and unfocused. I keep yawning constantly, my eyes are watering, and it’s almost impossible to keep them open. I’m hoping I’m close enough to my goal to call it a night. I can’t keep functioning! I gotta go sleep. 

float_on_alright: leverage mischief managed (leverage mischief managed)

I think I did it, I think I finished my Wynonna Earp fic! I need to edit it. Right after I finish editing my Mark/Vex story. I have a lot of editing to work on actually. There's something's I started looking over for Rebby that I need to work on too. I'd like to have them done in the next couple of weeks. Of course I've signed up for the StoryADay challenge to do too with another friend of mine. I also want to get my website up. I also want to write my Mrs. Claus story. Of course if I can do enough of that over the next two days I may be able to finish it on May1st and then I will have completed the story that day. That's probably not 100% what the challenge is designed for, but any time I finish a story I call it a win. 

And of course I have 10,678,291,364,865 books I want to read.

I honestly don't think that's an exaggeration. 

Ugh an
d the humidity is fucking with my hair and I don't like it.

Alright. I gotta pass out. Night y'alll.  
float_on_alright: claudia wide eyed (claudia the eyes)
 I am super tired this evening. I had a busy day and didn’t leave until late and then I had errands after work and then it was 8 when I sat down to dinner so my “schedule” is off too. I’m getting to the point that I’m really too tired to write with any particular clarity. I almost feel like I’ve been dosed with Benadryl or something. 
 
I’m about 100 words away from my goal for the evening so obviously I’m nearly there but I can barely see the screen for my eyes watering and such. 
 
The good news is that I think I’m closing in on the end of my Wynonna Earp fic. I don’t think I’ll tie everything up in a bow because I like that the idea that there it still more work to do (which feels authentic for the story) since that’s the way TV episodes tend to run. 
 
I honestly don’t even think I’m making sense any more and I have got to be close enough to call it a day, so I’m going to go ahead and pass out. Good luck out there y’all. 
 
float_on_alright: live a f y life (live life af)
I'm pretty excited y'all. I had a great day. I went on a date, which was lovely - though I felt more friend type feelings than anything about her. It was wonderful to spend a few hours with another big queer nerd. It was a different experience going on a date with a women. I haven't really dated women. I fooled around with them but dating them always seemed so hard. Navigating figuring out if a women was interested in other women and if so if she was interested in you too was just always so freaking daunting. To have been asked on a date made it a heck of a lot easier for me, obviously. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is I'm super thankful to have gotten to do it. Not that it was a super affection date or anything but it was still a date. I'm glad I went. 

After that I came home and had a peaceful walk with the dog. We went for almost a mile and half and I listened to a bit of "You Are a Badass" and a bit of "Think and Grow Rich". I have been struggling with "Think and Grow Rich" because the narrator sounds tiny and distant. It’s also weird because they’re focused on American people and business and the depression as it applied to America and American politics and the author, to the best of my understanding, was American but the narrator has an English accent which is just weird. Most importantly dude bro was a casual racist. Look, I know we’re all a little bit racist because that’s what society has pretty much trained us to be and this guy probably thought he wasn’t racist and comparatively speaking he probably was a pretty progressive dude for the time but it still bothers me when he talks about an “uneducated colored child” defeating her ‘superior’, a “white educated man”. It makes my skin crawl. Then he was talking about an “oriental man”. 

I’m trying to power through it anyway because I think the points he’s going to make about the pursuit of money and the attitude you have to have to become financially successful are likely timeless. I just have to dig through crap to get to it. 

I’m struggling to stay conscious and my eyes keep watering with strain and tiredness so I’m not going to be able to finish this, but hopefully I’ll be able to pretty much pick up where I left off tomorrow. 

Peace. 

float_on_alright: not lazy just energy saving (not lazy just energy saving)
 
I have decided that any reviews I write on the writing website I will count towards my review goal and anything I write for my books/goodreads/netgalley I'm going to count towards my writing goal. That probably sounds a little weird, but I want to do a few reviews for the site specifically but those are different than things I publish for the general public. I guess to me the reviews on goodreads, etc. are me stating general opinions and impressions of the story as well as whether or not I would recommend it. Reviews on the writing website on the other hand, won't be seen by the general public and are more in line with editing than with writing because they do include compliments they also include constructive criticism and specific suggestions. My intent when I'm working on them is very different. Even the way I read the things I'm reviewing is different. Things I read for goodreads I mostly read for fun or for self improvement. Things I read for the website I read because I want to help other writers in their pursuit of enhancing their writing skills. 

This difference feels good to me. I didn't divide the reviews like this last month and it left me feeling a little off balance. Since I've written a goodreads review tonight, I'm not going to extensively write elsewhere. I would like to read a little more but I think I'm going to just have to pass out. Peace! 
float_on_alright: don't ruin my story with your logic (keep your logic out of my stories)
 
I didn’t feel like writing tonight. I didn’t want to write. I wanted to read a little and pass out or possibly just pass out or possibly read the rest of my book I’m only 35% into and then take a nap before work. But while I do hope to go to bed soon and a little early for me, I’m not going to skip writing tonight. I’m not. 
 
There are several reasons for that. One is that when you’re building a habit the only way to make something truly habitual is to do it even when you don’t want to it. Do it over and over. When you want to, when you don’t want to, when you’re too tired, when you're bored, when you’re annoyed etcetera. And I want writing to be a habit again. 
 
I’ve been struggling a little emotionally lately and I’m trying to get back “in the flow”. Part of it is that I think I need to make my bed time a little earlier as I still don’t think I’m getting quite enough sleep on the regular. Part of it is that things are getting busy at work and that adds a level of stress that I’m still working on coping with. 
 
Understand that while my job is stressful and I got chewed out half of last Friday and a good bit yesterday, I don’t really have a stressful job - comparatively speaking. I’ve had jobs that were more stressful and I made half as much (and with benefits that weren’t as good or just didn’t exist). Anyway, I’m just feeling a little discouraged and I while I’m working on a number of things to help me get back on track one of the things that I know contributed to my recent deep depressions was not writing at all. No way can I let myself step back into that cycle. I won’t feel better tomorrow if I don’t write today. 
 
I found some journal topics to try to help me a little so that I would at least have a topic and I found the following quote:
 
“What in your life is calling you? When all the noise is silenced, the meetings adjourned, the lists laid aside, and the wild iris blooms by itself in the dark forest, what still pulls on your soul? In the silence between your heartbeats hides a summons, do you hear it? Name it, if you must, or leave it forever nameless, but why pretend it is not there?” — The Terma Collective
 
For all that I don’t feel like writing - well, for all I FELT like I didn’t want to write tonight, that thing that calls to me in the quiet it is writing and I’ve known that for more than half my life. Why in the hell should I ever not be writing if that’s true? It’s okay if it’s a journal entry or a book review or a note to a friend or a story or a poem or shit the description of my favorite cereal. I don’t care what I’m writing, as long as I keep doing it. 
 
I’ve been reading a lot of cool articles and one of them was talking about how your brain is the product of not only general genetics but also of millennia of evolution centered around attempting survival and procreation. Your brain evolved to help you survive. Which, awesome because it’s given us amazing things, but, it’s always going to tell you to play it safe. Your ancestors on a whole did not survive by prancing through the forest or rashly facing off against predators - nay, nay your ancestors survived by hiding in the cave cautiously waiting to see if there was a mountain lion on the hunt (or whatever). My point is, your brain wants you to be safe so it’s always going to tell you not to task the risk. 
 
Risk, in the majority of our biological history meant almost certain and probably painful death. Of course your brain wants to prevent that. 
 
The other thing I love that I read recently, and I may have mentioned it in an earlier post but it’s sticking with me is that all your thoughts are merely suggestions. They are not law. They are not absolute truth. Most of our thoughts are not even our own - not really. They’re things programmed into us by society and our parents. I wouldn't have a ton of self conscious thoughts about having facial hair if society hadn’t constructed and perpetuated the ridiculous notion that women don’t have, and shouldn’t have hair except for like eyebrows and on the top of their heads. Shit, most of the hairlessness of women in today's society was invented so that razor companies could sell more razors - they’d taken their business as far as they felt they could go just selling to men I guess. I find it disturbing. 
 
One of these “thoughts” I recently over threw for myself was the idea that “I can’t wear dark lipstick and that red lipsticks don’t look good on me”. My mother hates dark lipsticks and heavy reds and she basically pounded into me awful they looked on me because she doesn’t like them ON ANYONE. All that time avoiding bright red lipsticks I coveted because my mom doesn’t find that look appealing? I wear a lot of bright red or dark lipsticks now. Oh there have been some I’ve found that don’t compliment my skin tone. For example I got one of the “Bold” colors - maybelline I think? - and it was this gooorrgeous deep purple. Unfortunately, it was too much of a “cold” color to go well with my complexion. But I have some other purple colors that are more red based than blue that have a warmer undertone that are just as dark and bold but look fantastic on me. 
 
I know that probably seems like a really minor example and maybe it is but don’t we all have to start somewhere? I need to face things like “I’m no good with money” so that I can turn them into “I struggled with money in the past but I’m kicking ass at it now”. There are so many long held beliefs that spin thoughts in my head that need to be seriously fact checked. Sometimes though, you have to fight the small battles first. 
 
I know I’m a long way from where I started with this and my eyes are getting all droopy so I’m going to stop here, but I imagine all these things stem from themes that I’ll be revisiting soon. 
 
Side note, I passed another module exam today but I’m still working to make sure I have a solid grip on at least most of the signs that were introduced in the section before I move on. 
 
Night y’all.
 

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float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)
Kate

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