I hit the resistance again today. After having not felt it for a few days, it was annoying to have it back. That’s okay though. I know that these types of things are common. I’m glad to have had some days without the resistance. I’ve read a little more of the book “The Artist’s Way” and I really do want to try her program. At the same time I feel incredibly overwhelmed about the upcoming things I have going on in my life. The next two weeks only involve a couple of weekend trips and a few appointments, but then it’s back to work during the busy season. Fall is always crazy in a way that Spring just never is. We’ll have the week in Atlanta for our sales kick off and then a couple of weeks later I’ll be taking off for DragonCon, plus there will be a visit from J who is coming in from California right before DragonCon. Then September and October tend to be my busiest work months. November is crazy. Honestly between the second week in August and the second week in December, I rarely have time to take a breath. And yes, I realize that there is never a “good time” to start a 12 week program but I think some times are just seriously worse than others. And fall is definitely the worst and busiest part of my year, bar none. At least while I’m working for Scholastic.
At the same time, I have a story to try to write, re-write, edit, and mail by July 25th. And if I’m blocked, I’m screwed. I really wanted to have the first draft written by Wednesday and I have no idea if that is going to happen. If I could get the first draft done by Wednesday, I know I could mail it by the following Tuesday (the 25th) or Wednesday at the latest and I feel like that’s enough time for it to make it to Atlanta by the 1st of August (the following Tuesday). Granted, I supposed I always have the option to just cancel the workshop. It’s just that I know I’d be canceling out of fear. The fear is what has me blocked anyway. It’s hard to be creative when you’re just so damned afraid. The “I have to write something good!” is so hateful to my creative brain and I know I’m not being fair to myself. At the same time, I don’t know how to stop. This lady says she knows how to help. That she can teach that part. I don’t know if she can tell me how to be a better storyteller, I think that’s something I have to learn other places and practice. But she says she does have a system for becoming consistently creative without all the blocked nonsense all the time. She calls it a recovery program, like AA or something. And I think I believe her.
And that’s the thing right? Like, what if she’s right? What if she doesn’t know exactly how to loosen up the strangle hold the inner critic has on my creative self? If that’s the case, how can I possibly justify putting it off?
Not to mention, as frustrating as my job can be and as busy as it can be, I only spend 40 hours there a week. I don’t take my job home with me, ever, and even if I stay until we close at 5pm every day of the week, that still puts me home in the evening with plenty of time to do creative work. And if there’s anything I’ve learned from the last 8 months or so, it’s that I absolutely cannot give up my creative pursuits because to give them up would be to give up on my mental health and that is something I know I cannot do.
She forewarns that it can be a difficult, emotionally exhausting journey, one that I’ll likely want to quit. Which means the other thing standing in my way is fear. Fear of what I’ll find and what I’ll feel and what I’ll have to face. Those aren’t things I can take lightly. I know everyone has a shitstorm of issues inside them - maybe some more than others but still I doubt anyone has been untouched by some sort of trauma at some point. I think we all build up walls of lies in some form or fashion so that we don’t have to face the things we don’t like about ourselves. It’s probably pretty normal to fear that too.
I fear I’ll be too tired from work to be able to handle whatever crises this thing makes me face. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to face what I need to face. I’m afraid I’ll quit.
I mean, I can’t fail if I don’t try, right? Which is, of course, exactly the attitude I’ve been hiding behind for years that I promised myself I wouldn’t let win (at least not on a regular basis anyway) earlier this year.
On top of all this, I go back to work in like two weeks and I’m dreading it. Part of me looks forward to seeing Emily at work all the time and I certainly don’t want to stay on unemployment no matter how much I wish I could retire already. The last few weeks have positively flown by and I know the next two weeks will be gone even faster. I’m trying to savor them, of course but they’ll still go by quickly. I keep hoping that by the end of these next two weeks, when I’m thinking, “Yup, back to work tomorrow,” that I’ll be sort of ready for it. Maybe not bored with being off exactly, I don’t think that’s possible, but ready. Maybe if Fall and Spring were reversed and spring was the busier season and fall was quiet and I could “ease” into going back to work, that would be more likely. And granted, it’s not impossible. It’s a six week break and that’s no small break. It’s really, really not. I mean, how many people get that kind of time off? Teachers, of course, get a bit more than that, but they take their jobs home with them every day. I’d bet those kids are always on their minds. Not to mention all the other crap they put up with, like parents and the government making dumb laws about standardized tests. Granted, I have to put up with a lot of Parent-Teacher-Associations/
Sigh, I’m on a tangent. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do. I don’t want to start something I’m not committed to doing but I don’t want to not commit to something because I’m being a scared little wuss. I could probably debate this all night. Go round and round with myself about it but I’m not sure that it would help. I think I’ll go try a prompt and then maybe read for a bit. I’ve got a dentist appointment tomorrow so I’ll have to be in bed at an almost reasonable hour tonight.
1) Survive and complete goals for Writo de Mayo - write at least 17k words and at least 26 days out of the 31 (meaning I can go without writing anything at all for five days out of the month).
love_bingo Prompt - Fatherhood
Theiver of iPods aka Dad
( Darcy has some very choice words for her father. )
Schedule Coordinated for Traveling - Check-ish
Picking a time and getting tickets - No where near...
Bought more comics and added them too.
This is going very well. Less than 5,000 words left to go - Woot!
One check, two check, and table? Check!
Check! Two done, one is in the editing process and the other is finished, but can't be posted yet (this other story has to be posted first, but it's LONG and editing it is a BITCH).
Got the book, check. Reading the book in progress.
Title: One Time It Wasn't Tony’s Fault
Characters: Tony Stark and Clint Barton (mentions of Black Widow/Natasha and Pepper Potts)
Pairing: Sort of Natasha/Clint and can be read as Tony/Pepper
Summary: Tony goes to the Medical Ward and runs into a fellow Avenger.
Verse: Marvel Movie Universe
Rating: Teen for adult situations and sexual concepts (there is no sex in the story).
Spoilers: Absolutely none.
Warnings: None, really.
Disclaimer: As much as I like to pretend, I have absolutely no rights to these characters.
Big thanks yet again to shanachie_quill, who is awesome.
This is a part of my "Texts From Last Night" mini-table stories.
The mini-table information is here.
And the AO3 link here.
One Time It Wasn’t Tony’s Fault
(But Just this One Time)
( Medical )
I have to say that I'm kind of excited about how well I'm doing with my monthly "To-Do" Lists. It seems that "publicly" making lists and then "publicly" announcing my success seems to be a good motivator for not ignoring (or forgetting) to do the things I said I want to do.
So now that the I've changed the calendar from Auggie to Will and Declan (thanks to shanachie_quill for my awesome calendar full of my favorite hotties), I believe it is time to make April's list of shit to get done.
1) Plan the Wilmington Avengers Adventure (aka going to Wilmington, NC to hang out with my friend Jason and going to see the Avengers).
This is going to involve getting a couple of days off or my schedule changed, my schedule coordinated with Jason's, and buying tickets ahead of time.
2) Get new sheets.
3) Catalog what comics I have in which series in a way that is mobile so that I don't pick up duplicates.
4) Start Cataloging my books.
I was going through and cleaning and tidying up my books and I found three titles that I had 2 copies of apiece. That means there were 3 books I totally wasted money on - yeah I was a little peeved. Especially since two of them I have yet to read and one of them I started and couldn't finish because it was so badly written. You can imagine my annoyance. Now, I don't have a lot of comics (yet) but I have a TON of books. Most of the books I read, if I don't absolutely love them beyond love, I take them to the used bookstore which means that the vast majority of the books I have, I haven't read which makes it a lot harder to remember that I have it. I want to catalog my books in much the same way and for much the same reason as I do my comics. However, this is a massive undertaking and with every thing else I've got going on, I don't wanna push to complete this in a month. I do, though, want to make sure I get a good start on this.
5) Take the printers and the old cameras to Best Buy to be recycled.
6) Write 15,000 words.
7) Finish at least one story from my avengers_tables and if possible two as that will complete the table.
8) Write a story for love_bingo
9) Get and read my book club book.
Finished part 3 of "You're to Blame", finished one story from the table. So Check.
Check, but more on this later
Going alright. Mostly. Eh. Work in Progress.
Eh. Did go to a birthday party... Eh.
Cleaned the crap out of my room. You can sit on the couch! Still got a junk desk essentially, but the improvement was "photo worthy". Should've taken a before and not just after pics.
I did read two books for my alphabet list: Vanish and Kiss or Kill.
Ah yes. So the decision was yes. I did include my ramblings from livejournal.
In February, I ended up with about 17,000 words which I didn't think was too shabby. Did I beat it? Yes, yes I did.
Okay, I know it's really silly, but I'm actually super excited about how much writing I did this month. The story I worked on the most is about to be edited so it is going to be a while before it is posted, though I'm very excited about it as it is the longest single part piece I've written.
The grand total end of the month word count? 27,100 meaning I wrote 10,000 more words this month than last.
There's no way in hell I do that in April, but it sure as hell felt awesome to write so very much when there are so many other things going on as well with work, other goals, and things with my family.
Characters: Tony Stark and Clint Barton
Summary: Clint got a ticket and it's all Tony's fault.
Verse: This sort of transcends movie verus comic universe idea and just goes for a cracky version of the essence of the characters.
Rating: Teen for language and drunken shenanigans
Spoilers: Absolutely none.
Warnings: Tony Stark.
Disclaimer: They are mine, all of them! Okay, not really, but that would make me happy.
Big thanks yet again to shanachie_quill, who as always, helps save my comma-happy ass.
This is the third of my "Texts From Last Night" mini-table stories.
The mini-table information is here.
And the AO3 link here.
( It's always Tony's fault. )
I have to say that aside from recent breaks (which I'm surprisingly okay with if only because I've been getting so much writing done) TV Land has been very, very kind to me.
1) Chin/Summer - I realize it was a very, very brief moment between Chin and Summer in the recent episode of The Mentalist, but I squealed my pants off when I watched it. I mean I seriously squee-ed myself. It made me so very happy to see them together.
2) Walter - I love Walter. Walter is well, Walter is Walter. Further, Walter math is never wrong and if you haven't checked it out, I high recommend that you do.
3) In Plain Sight is back for its final season. I'm interested to see how they handle this.
4) Well Ladies and Gents of my mostly imaginary audience, it's happening. That's right, NCIS:LA and H50 are cross-overing (I'm aware that's not a real word, just go with it) with each other.
I can't begin to say how excited I am. Cannot even.
For your enjoyment! Or mine. Whichever.
2) Finish the 3rd part of "You're to Blame" or all the parts of my table, preferably both, but realistically that's likely to be too much.
3) Write at least as much in March as I did in February.
4) Work on the money situation.
5) Say yes to one social-able invitation that includes more than book club, fellowship, or friends who live in a different area, preferably involving people who you have not hung out with socially in the past. I will null this if the only invitation is to go on a date with a guy I'm not comfortable saying yes to. I do need a good reason to not be comfortable, though, no offense meant to any one who has them, but having children counts - I'm not ready to be in dating situation that involves children. It is important that I stay out of the lives of children I cannot, at this time in my life, commit to. Also, this does not require me to say yes to people I don't like, such as Wendy, who makes me angry but seems to think we're friends.
6) Make it so that you aren't the only one who can see the improvements in your living spaces.
7) Finish at least one, preferably two alphabet challenge books.
8) Decide of pointless posts like these count towards writing, and if so how to include them in the count... If they do count, require the word count for March be higher than that of February by at least 500 words.
Because LJ refuses to work with me and keeps making the font different in different places or ERASING MY FUCKING PARAGRAPH BREAKS (sorry), I'm not posting the story here at this time. I have posted it at AO3 HERE. Thank you :)
1) Write something and keep track of the daily word count - ish.
- Totally updating my word count excel sheet every day. I plug in the story word count at the end of the day and it - viola! - tells me what I've written (I've written a little over 12,300 words thus far this month and today is in fact the first day I have not written at least some in one of my stories).
2) Finish something I'm writing, dammit.
- I finished first and second parts of "You're to Blame" (second part currently in the Beta/Editing phase).
- I finished MASH which is a coda of sorts to my "Truth or Dare" series (also currently in the Beta/Editing phase)
- I have begun going over other stories in hopes that one of them will poke back at me so I can work more on them. I realized have nearly 9,000 words in story which I would one day like to finish especially since I have already spent so much freaking time on it.
3) Read/Finish two books from the "Alphabet Challenge"
- One book down! Will be updating my list soon.
If you're interested in what I'm doing click here.
If you'd like to see what I've read so far, you can see that here.
4) Do some tidying up in the room.
- I dusted!
- I threw out all the trash from my couch (yes, there is a small couch in my room - it is mostly used as a way station for my books, bags, and clothes).
- Organized all my stuff for doing my taxes.
- Got all the books onto shelves or in crates and boxes (aka off the couch and floor).
5) Don't be a complete recluse.
- Went to see "The Woman in Black" with friends and had drinks after.
- Spent Thursdays at Fellowship (okay not necessarily ambitious socially, but an evening out of the house counts).
- The 29th will be Book Club, so there's that with the gang.
- Going to see Jaymie, though this may not be until the first of March, so we'll see if this counts (or not).
- I feel like there's more and I've just forgotten it.
6) Don't spend money I don't actually have.
- This appears to be going okay. I mean, there's a lot of work I need to do on the car and I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for it. But hey, so far, so good.
Side notes: Still obsessed with Jeremy Renner, looking into actually reading comic books not just watching movies "based" on them, I NEED more Cho/Summer in my life (which may or may not result in the search for fanfic) and free episodes on iTunes FTW.
Spoiler! Spoiler! Spoiler! Spoiler! Spoiler! Spoiler! Spoiler!
SPOILER BEYOND THE LJ CUT
( By clicking this link, you hereby relinquish any rights to blame the writer of this blog for spoilers for “At First Blush” that you may encounter herein. )
Dear Lord in Heaven, I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm not sure I want you to fix it. At this moment in time, I am very much enjoying the insanity I have been blessed with.