float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (behold the power of slash)

Master List of FanFics, links to the "chapters" (for lack of a better word) and AO3 if available. Most of my stories are on AO3 but the ones I wrote for specific people are not currently. 

Hawaii 5-0 Danny/Steve )

Hawaii 5-0 Kono/Chin )

Alex/Scott (Hawaii 5-0 actors) RPS  )

Hawaii 5-0 or Related One Shots and/or No Pairings )

Sanctuary  )

X-Men )

Avengers 2012 )

Please let me know if any of the links are wrong. Questions are welcome. Comments are love :D
float_on_alright: clint doesn't want spoilers (clint doesn't like spoilers)
I was not even a little bit in the mood to write today. I wasn’t in the mood to do anything today if I’m honest. Well, anything except read. I finally got to the book I’d been wanting to get to in the series and it was everything I’d hoped it would be. *Happy Sigh* 

On the other hand, I’ve been feeling a bit miserable. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t written anything new or if I’m feeling like I’ve gotten in over my head with a few of the things I’ve signed up for over the last six months or so (possible since I’ll now have regularly scheduled accountability and mastermind calls possibly for the rest of my life and I honestly don’t know how that happened to me), or maybe because for the first time in months I didn’t have anything immediately pressing and I didn’t know what to do with myself, or if maybe I’m just hormonal (that’s certainly possible too). 

I don’t feel like I thought I would feel having finished the Lit Mag Love course though I think it’s largely because I’m afraid of what comes next. Part of the deal was that you would get her help until such a time as you get published in one of the journals you thought would do well for your work. Which means there’s a high probability that one of my stories will, in the next year or so, get published in a journal somewhere. Which, dear God, what was I thinking? I mean, I know what I was thinking. And I know that I do actually want to get published. I know that I do, but the idea of it is terrifying. 

And that is probably why I’ve been miserable and wallowing for a large part of today. The idea of successfully getting something I wrote in a journal is terrifying. I mean, I’m likely to be rejected for a while. I’m likely going to need to do a lot more work writing a lot more stories before I get there, but it actually feels like there’s a real chance I could get there. If I'm honest, there’s one journal that I think my story would really be suited for that I sent it to. I had only planned to send my story to just that journal but I don’t have enough other things ready to be able to submit other stories other places. 

I know I’ve already talked about the five submissions thing so I won’t get back into that for right now but I guess I just really think that one journal should take my story. Which means I know I’ll be frustrated, sad, and disappointed if they’re not interested. I know I can’t take stuff like that personally. I really, really do. And I know that my writing needs a lot of work so I should just remember that this is part of the learning process but I know there will be a moment when I’ll be hurt. But, I handled it when my Mrs. Claus story got rejected and I’ll handle it when it this one does too. I’m just hopeful that this one is closer to being the kind of story journals will say yes than the last one. And that the next one will be closer. And the rejections will simply be opportunities to make my stories better, nothing more and nothing less. 

Granted I was in a decent mood until mom wanted me to leave the house - I mean, I had to put on clothes including a boob prison. I just wore a sports bra which is slightly less aggravating, but I still wasn’t happy about having to “people” today. I just really, really didn’t want to people today. Not that the people we peopled with weren’t lovely. I just didn’t want to do it. I need to make myself a general schedule for the rest of the summer so that I’m productive every day in a way that feels good to me. I was overwhelmed productive the last few days and that didn’t feel good and then today I wasn’t remotely productive. I mean, I washed a few dishes and I listened to that book. I know listening to a fourteen hour book (on a 1.25 setting) in about 23 hours is sort of productive but I know if I don’t work on my projects over the next two and half weeks, I’ll be mad at myself for “wasting” the time. Not to mention that I really do have to have that stuff put together for the DragonCon writing workshop by August first. And actually I’d like to have it done before I go visit my friend Casey the last weekend of this month (good grief, where does the time go?) which is only like 15 days away. That’s two weeks and a tiny bit. 

Seriously, where does the time go?

float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)

I think I’m going to make. I found two more places to submit to, reworked my cover letters, and fired away. I also did the next assignment which was to write the people whose opinions of your writing really matter on a 1 inch by 1 inch piece of paper. I don’t have a ruler so I had to wing it, but I figure no one can complain about me putting three people on the list. I mean, that should be short enough to fit on a 1 square inch piece of paper. Especially if I shortened their names or wrote them really small, right? Anyway, while I’m sure the visual reference is helpful, and I might do it one day, I think the message of the assignment was clear. I guess what I’m saying is, I’m a “spirit of the law” kind of girl and that ain’t gonna change anytime soon.

Part of me wants to power through the other two assignments tonight, but I think I need some rest. I think that I’ll be able to complete them tomorrow more easily and quickly having got some real sleep.

Tomorrow will also hopefully involve some writing something that isn’t a journal entry, but we’ll see. I’m also eager to finish the book I’m listening to. It’s interesting to me that the narrator of the stories isn’t a narrator I’ve been thrilled with in the past but I still think I’d rather stick with listening to the stories instead of reading them. I’m not totally sure, but I am leaning that way. Normally I find her barely tolerable and it’s not like she’s doing such a better job on these than she did on the others I’ve heard by her. Maybe it’s just that these books are so much better than the other books I’ve heard her read. Not that the other books were bad, they weren’t. It’s just that those other books were… “well, that was fun” as opposed to what I’m listening to now which is more like, how can I get five more minutes listening to this book. I know, I’ll empty the dishwasher, that way “I’m being productive” so I won’t feel guilty about how I’m spending this time but I can still listen to the book.

What I’m reading now is by one of my all time favorite writers, Shelly Laurenston. I just relistened to her “Pride” series, which is probably my favorite series by her though her “Call of Crows” series is fantastic too and I enjoyed her “Magnus Pack” series too. This series is under her pen name (I think it’s her pen name and not the other way round), G.A. Aiken. It’s Dragons and witches and warlords and shit. Where her shapeshifter books take place in modern, earth times, Dragon Kin takes place in a world of Dragon Gods and swords. Both epically fun though. You have to have an affinity for cursing, bloodshed, raunchy language, and sort of questionable or unstable main characters, but I find them hilarious and exciting. She’s one of the few authors I still read that doesn’t really pass the “But is it gay?” question. She does have an odd side character (I can think of 2 for sure and a 3rd I suspect) who turns out to be gay, but they’re not developed. Still though, I enjoy her main characters. Her female characters are especially fun to me because they’re usually vicious (though in different ways, sometimes with violence, but sometimes in craftiness) and funny.  I mean, one of her characters has the moniker “The Blood Queen” and she’s actually a queen. “The Viper” and “The Beast” are really fun too. “The Beast” is plain and bespectacled and brilliant. One of the characters in the “Pride” series is famous for her favorite saying which she got from her father, “Time to start the killing.” And Cella Malone is a former marine, a bare knuckles boxer, and a hockey player. There’s all kinds of “politics” between shifters and packs and families and it’s just fun. She’s also suppppper diverse with characters who are of a bunch of different backgrounds and descents.

And I’m officially rambling. But seriously, I love that author. She’s got another series she’s going to be doing soon, I think it’s coming out next year that has me really excited.

So now that I’ve blown off some steam writing about the author of the book I want to be reading, I’m going to go listen to the book for a bit and get some sleep.

float_on_alright: apologize in advance as I slowly go nuts (apologize in advance as I slowly go nuts)

Here’s yesterday’s list for the weekend:

  1. Give 2 more people feedback. Check.
  2. Edit “Monster in Manhattan.” Check.
  3. Edit my cover letter. Check.
  4. Figure out which other four magazines I’m submitting my story to since I’d already picked one. Picked five, couldn’t use three. Found another one I couldn’t use. Picked another story for for a flash fiction magazine only to find they’re currently closed for submissions. Found one that is a bit absurdist and submitted a story that honestly wouldn’t be appropriate for any other lit magazine I’ve ever seen but just might fit there. Two more submissions to figure out.
  5. Rework my cover letter four times. Didn’t need a cover letter for one magazine. Reworked it for my other submission. Likely two more reworks to go.
  6. Attempt to send my reworked cover letters to the correct magazines along with my story. Again, three down, two to go.

Once I get that done there are three more assignments to the online course, but I’ve looked over them and from what I can tell, they’re manageable. If I can figure out the last couple of submissions tomorrow, I feel confident I can finish the rest in time. Of course, that'll have to be worked around the fellowship thing with mom in the morning and volunteering in the library in the afternoon. I'm going to be so thankful to be shelving tomorrow and listening to my book.

float_on_alright: books who says you can't buy love (who says you can't buy love)
So what did I do tonight after dinner instead of adding my journals and contests to my lists or writing? I watched an episode of Pretty Little Liars, which, actually I’d already watched half of, so that really wasn’t that bad and I read the second half of a book I’d started when I was laying out at this beach this morning. I wish my Kindle kept track of how long it took me to read a book. I mean, I know I get distracted or interrupted while the book is open so it wouldn’t be perfect, but I’d really love to see how many approximate reading minutes it took me to read something. I know I could time myself, but I get too distracted. I’d forget to start the thing when I was reading or I’d forget to stop it when I had to put the book down to do something else. Amazon must have some of that information right? I mean, it tells you when you open the book how long it typically takes to read. Although, they are probably basing that on the idea that people typically read so many words (I think it’s like 350) per minute and then dividing the number of words in the book by that. Or maybe the number of pages decided by a minute per page (which I think is about average?). Great, now I really want to know what they base these things on. That’s a question for Google later. 

Tomorrow is Friday and I haven’t done any of the feedback pieces I need to do and I feel like there's another goal for the week that I set for myself that I have since forgotten. That happens sometimes, I set a goal on Monday and by Tuesday I’ve completely forgotten I’ve set it. I have, on more occasions than I’d like to admit, gone to check what I wrote on Monday for my goals to see if I’ve done any of it. After getting caught on Friday way behind on my goals on quite a few embarrassing occasions, I have tried to make a habit of checking the goal list on Wednesday to help me stay on track. This week at the beach I decided to watch XXX: Return of Xander Cage instead - you can judge me if you want but I’m having some seriously shippy feelings about some of the ladies and Ruby Rose. 

I watched something else recently that was giving me a lot of shippy feelings … Power Rangers maybe. Hmm. Oh well, I’m sure I’ll remember it later. I do love shippy feelings. 

Ohhhhh, you know it wasn’t something I was watching, it was something I was reading. I got the first issue of “Spell on Wheels” a few days ago. I don’t know how I hadn’t come across it yet, but it was a marvelous opening issue. I know there are only like 5 issues so far and I’m unsure if it’s continuing any further. I’m kind of annoyed I’m just now finding out about this thing. It’s about three witches who are friends and roommates who have some of their things taken from them and they have to go on a quest to get there stuff back. Soooo many shippy feelings. I’m looking forward to reading more of that. I also read some more Lumberjanes and I just love that series so, so much. 

So my goals for tomorrow are as follows:

Find something to post to Becoming Writer Workshop. Recommend doing further edits to “Monster in Manhattan” story and posting the second draft. 
Find six more contests and journals to send off to. 
Pick a writer to contact and get clear about the contact. Ask any necessary questions. 
Give three people feedback on the workshop website.

Goals for Saturday:

Write letter to writer. 
Watching the video for, and start working on the next assignment in the LitMagLove class. 

Goals for Sunday:

Work more on LitMagLove
File for unemployment

I’ve got the fellowship thing going on too so it’s going to be a busy weekend. I won’t be able to stay up all night and work on these goals either because I’ll have to be up around 8 or 8:30 Saturday and Sunday. Those aren’t terrible times to be up but it definitely means that I can’t stay up until 4am. It’s hard enough for me to stay awake through this stuff as it is, but it will get my mom off my back for a little while at least. 

I was logging my reading on my library’s summer reading program--they have a program for adults--and I saw that the “goal” for the summer was to earn 1,000 points for reading and other activities like volunteering. They have reading lists you can do too, but none of them particularly called to me. At any rate, I’m currently at a little over 3,000 points so I must’ve made that 1000 goal a bit a go. I know other adults have kids and don’t get summers off like I do so it isn’t like it’s hard for me like it can be for other people. Still, I have to laugh at myself because I finished two books today and listened to about 2 hours of another. I know there are people who read like that all the time. I wish I could speed read, but actually the rate at which I read a page is not much over average. I just spend so much time doing it that I end up reading a ton. 

I was going to go to bed early tonight so that I could wake up a little earlier tomorrow (and by “earlier”, I mean before 11am) to get started on my goals. It would be great if I could finish the Friday list and get started on the Saturday list tomorrow but we’ll see how that goes. I honestly cannot believe that tomorrow is Friday. These days have been going by so quickly! I’m looking forward to Wynonna for sure. And Killjoys, though I haven’t watched last week’s yet. Man, I have so many things I want to do! I know I’ll look forward to having my real paychecks again when I go back to work, but I honestly don’t know how I’m going to fit all the things I want to do in before we go back. 

float_on_alright: lust for books (lust for books)
Today was our last day at the beach for awhile, at least for me and mom. Mom can come back pretty much any time but it’s a little more difficult for me to pick up and go whenever. Someone has to watch the dog and my mom has a really hard time being alone. She’s thrown tantrums more or less. She tries though, when she knows something is important to me and I give her a lot of notice, not to make me feel guilty. But if it’s me and dad off on an adventure without her, she feels lonely AND left out and it’s just too much. 

I digress. Today was the last day so I got up “early” to spend some time lazing in the pool with Daddy and cook under the sun. I think I mostly managed to avoid getting sunburned. I’m a little sunburned on my face where I initially forgot to put on sunscreen, but it’s just a bit of pink on the forehead and I think there might be a couple of pink spots on my back. I’m going to try to get up a little early tomorrow too so that I can spend a little time in the sun reading before we go. I just love the sun baking pool water off my body while I daydream or read. 

I know I have work to do, really I do. And with the fellowship (church type) stuff going on this weekend, I’m going to have a lot of my time taken up Saturday and Sunday so I’m really going to have to buckle down when I get home tomorrow. Like for real. 

It’s not that I don’t like the work. I do like the work. Sometimes I feel discouraged and sometimes I get stressed but it’s only because I care about it so much. Really, I love the work. I’m just terrified of it. I’m pretty sure I’ve sung this song before but it always makes me feel better to talk about being afraid of it. It reminds that it is okay to be scared of it as long as I’m still doing it. 

Everyone needs me to shut down the super bright light for now so I’ll just have to go back to work tomorrow. 

float_on_alright: weather forecast for tonight - dark (weather forecast for tonight)
Update on the fireworks, there are a ton of people putting off fireworks right at the beach and lemme tell you something, South Carolina Fireworks are not dicking around. There were so many people putting off good fireworks that I honestly felt like I should’ve had to pay for the pleasure of seeing the show. It’s been about an hour since they started and they’re still going out there. I can hear them bursting about 50 yards away from our condo balcony. It was glorious. I really do love fireworks. My mom is like a kid in a candy store or waiting up for Santa so I must have gotten that love from her. Dad likes to tease her about it but dad likes to tease her about pretty much everything. 

Tomorrow is our last day here. I may try to get up earlier than I have been in order to enjoy the sun before it becomes midday brutal. I love sunbathing and reading. Dad always wants to sit in the pool and talk or sit beside the pool and talk and mom likes to sit on the edge of the pool with her feet in the water and talk. Not that I mind that, I enjoy that too. I’d just like to do more laying quietly and reading than they do. It’s one of my favorite pastimes and it’s only available to do properly a few months out of the year. Granted, I’m not much less cranky about being interrupted reading in another form or fashion either. 

The worst is when someone, usually Dad (mom always says my name a few times before she starts talking), starts talking to me about something and I don’t realize they’re talking to me until they start asking me questions. Listen, if my book is open, you do not have my attention in any way shape or form and you’re going to have to say everything you just said all over again. Sometimes my mouth answers even though my brain is still very much immersed in whatever it is I’m reading. That’s the worst because whoever was talking to me thinks that I’m in agreement with them when in reality I have absolutely no idea that they were even talking, let alone what they said. I’ve gotten in trouble for not doing something “I said I would do” when they asked me while I was reading. Not bad trouble, just annoyed with me trouble. “I asked you to empty the dishwasher.” “When?” “Just a few minutes ago. You said you would.” “No, I didn’t.” “Yes, you did.” “I’ve been reading. I didn’t hear you ask me anything.” There face is usually something like >_< 

I really do love reading and when I am in a book, really in a book, and that movie is playing in my head it is hell trying to get my attention and keep it. Even if you pull me away, I’m usually slow to leave and quick to jump back. I recommend making sure that I have marked a place in my book and closed it and put it down before you try to engage in a conversation. Even then, there's really no guarantee that I’m going to “with you.” There’s a good chance I’m going to be, well, mentally in my book, wondering about what’s going to happen next. 

I love that feeling. That feeling of transportation to another world, that sense of virtual reality that comes with really getting in a story. More than anything I want to create that for others. Pull them and and take them on an adventure that doesn't let them go. That brings them back again, again to the heart of the characters and the world. If I could manage that, even if it’s just for a few people, I’d be overjoyed. That’s why I need to get back in my writing habit again. I can’t do that if I don’t practice. Some people have that talent naturally and I wish I had a little more of naturally but that doesn’t me I can’t learn. I can learn. I just have to work. I have to work hard. I have a lot to do to get ready for a lot of things, I just have be to brave and determined. I just have to not give up.

This will do for today I think, but I need to be back tomorrow. And the next day. 

float_on_alright: claudia wide eyed (claudia the eyes)
I’ve gotten like nothing done today. Literally nothing. Okay I read a book. I’m not sure that counts for anything. I mean, I love it. I love reading, the book was good. And as I mentioned, I’m totes in reading mode for the moment. I need to track my progress for my MAC goals before I forget. I’ve literally spent about 15 hours of the last 36 reading. We’re watching Monster Trucks tonight and waiting for the fireworks to start. I can’t tell if it's cloudy out there tonight of it that’s just the fog/condensation built up on the glass doors of the balcony. It looks pretty cloudy which may be why there were so many people putting off the fireworks last night. Like if they knew the weather wouldn’t be good for fireworks tonight, they just went ahead and did them yesterday? I guess we’ll see if they set anything off tonight since it’s almost dark. 

And the first sounds of fireworks hit the air. Guess that question is solved. I can’t seem them at the moment but I’m not sure I’ll be able to from the condo. It might be that I’d have to go downstairs on the beach to see them. I do like fireworks. Though I understand why people are nervous of them and why they trigger people with PTSD. 

Monster Trucks is a cute movie, in case you were wondering. I’m gonna see if I can see some fireworks. Happy Fireworks Day for my US folks. 

float_on_alright: I keep hitting the escape button but I'm still here (escape button still here)
Ugh, I don’t know if it’s because the only time I’ve had to myself is when I’ve been asleep in the mornings and my folks are out the door or if it’s because I just needed a break after the sprint I had on Friday, but either way it’s damned annoying. Of course the other part of the trouble is that I’m also currently in one of my “reading phases” I finished the second half a book, read another entire book, and then started another. When I’m in a reading mood it’s tricky for me to leave it for anything else.

The beach is amazing, of course, even if it’s packed full. Fourth of July and most of North and South Carolina are around here somewhere. 

And now I can’t even stay up and write like I want because I would be keeping someone else awake if I’m anywhere but the bathroom. And I did consider sitting on the toilet (with the lid closed) to type for a little while but unfortunately the seat caves in if you sit on it and keeps popping in weird ways because the plastic isn’t sturdy and I’m a big girl so I’m afraid I’m going to break it. *Heaves a Sigh*. I could go downstairs, maybe, but I don’t want to be down there with no bra. Oh well, maybe tomorrow. Guess I'll maybe go listen to an audiobook for a bit. 
float_on_alright: clint is a carnie and a thief and would fit in with wallstreet (clint is a carnie and a thief and would)
So here I am writing to you from Myrtle Beach. The waves look pretty fierce today and it’s overcast but I’m loving the sounds of the waves against the shore and kids playing down below. It’s so nice just to be here and since no one else is here just yet, it’s also quiet. I really should’ve used more of my time for writing but I used it for reading instead. Sometimes a girl just needs a fix I guess… if that girl is me and her drug of choice is reading. I love writing, I love working on stories, sometimes I even love editing, but I am honest-to-God addicted to reading. No way could I ever give it up. Physical books, ebooks, audiobooks, comic books, fanfiction, articles, backs of cereal boxes… That reminds me, I was supposed to be keeping tracking of the pages I’ve read outside of just my books this year. I did a good job for maybe a month or two but now I’ve totally slacked off. I guess I could start back up now, but I’m not sure I will. I have so many other things going on right now that I just don’t think there’s one more thing I can put on my list. 

I have about a month before I have to go back to work, assuming I don’t get hired sooner by another company. I know that’s actually a good chunk of time. I know that. And I’ll certainly be glad to make the money I make when I’m working as opposed to being on unemployment, it’s just that I’m lazy and I like being off and sleeping in and staying up late and I’d love to do that forever. I also need to make more time for writing than I have been. It’s weird I know I want to write and then I sit down to write and I put it off to do something else. I think writing itself scares me sometimes even though I totally love it. I guess because I care so much. Because even when you’re not talking about yourself there’s still so much of yourself in writing that it feels like people don’t like you if they don’t like what you’ve written. Criticism, for all it’s about your story, ends up feeling like it’s about you. 

I read the Four Agreements earlier this year and my favorite was “don’t take anything personally.” It’s never about you. It’s always about the other person and how they perceive the world and themselves. What I’ve read about Buddhism has something similar about how those things that you find frustrating or annoying in others is really because you’re seeing something of yourself in that person - something that you don’t like about yourself. And I think, for the most part, that’s really true too. 

Here’s the thing though, it’s a hard balance to walk because just because the critic isn’t personal that doesn’t mean the critic isn’t wrong. You have to find a way to sort through criticism for the helpful advice without letting the suggestions for improvement - or the praise for that matter - get to you too much. Praise can be just as difficult as criticism to overcome. Sometimes because it makes you believe you don’t need the criticism but I think sometimes it’s because you’re trying too hard to replicate what went right in the good parts to let yourself write the crap you sometimes need to write to get to the good stuff. The more crap you write the more gold you’ll find. Which makes sense. I always thought the more you wrote the better you got at it, which in some sense is true but I think also it’s just about statistics. The more cards you have in your hands, the more likely it is that you’ll be able to put a good hand together. Poker may have limits on how many cards you can hold in your hands and how many times you can draw and put back, but writing doesn’t. The only limits writing has are the ones you put on it. And by “you” in all this, I do mean me. Obviously. 

I’d like to get some more written on my hopefully one day novel. I’d written a version of what may be chapter five but after re-reading it, I’ve found I don’t like it. Well, not so much “don’t like it” as it isn’t quite working. There are pieces of it that do but on a whole there needs to be more action and less  contemplation. I think the wrong character is being introduced too or rather the wrong conversation is happening. I’m not entirely sure how I know that or why I feel that way, but I’m deciding to trust my instincts on it and rewrite it. I’ve already written a little bit of it and I like the re-written part better so far. Granted, we’re talking about 100 words of the second draft as compared to the 1200 word first draft but still. It’s working better. 

I’m also working on the second draft of my Magical Girls story. I need a better title and to fix up the grammar. I can’t use “Grammarly” on my iPad which makes me wish I’d carted my laptop down here a little bit but I think there’s an public access computer in this hotel somewhere that I can probably use in the next couple of days so that I can get it fixed up and posted to the Lit Mag Love group. I think I really only absolutely have to have the first page ready. I have no idea if I’ll make all the work in time but I am going to try. 

I’m thankful for the time we spent hanging out and watching Killjoys while we were in Raleigh because it allowed me the time I needed to my job applications for my unemployment status for the week. Having those done is such a weight off my shoulders. Especially for yesterday when I was making lunch with my dad and then driving to the beach. It’s about a 3 hour trip which isn’t much at all but with getting out of the hotel, getting to hug everyone one more time at the mall, then driving over to where dad was working so we could get food and then head over to his hotel, then make some lunch and spend some time with him, AND then drive three hours only to have to drag in two weeks worth of luggage plus a couple of things my dad gave me to bring here for him, I didn't get settled in the condo until around 8:30 or 9 and I still needed to have dinner and I wanted to write so having to think about whether or not to do job applications would’ve been a nightmare. 

I’ve had soda today instead of Mio energy and the sugar has me jittery. I don’t often have a lot of soda anymore and I think that Code Red Mountain Dew has a special mixture of sugar and caffeine that creates a special brand of hyper. It doesn't help that I haven’t had real food yet either. So far today I’ve had a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Meaning in order to chill out I’m probably going to have to go for a run or something. It’s starting to look like it might storm soon outside. I suppose I could’ve gone swimming earlier but I wanted to write and I wanted to stay in this nice, quiet condo for as long as it would be nice and quiet. I really needed a bit of quiet and time to myself. I know that mom and dad - though traveling separately and coming from different places will be here soon. 

Speaking of, I’ll probably have to help them bring in their luggage etcetera so I’d better go put on some shorts and a t-shirt instead of this sleep shirt and my yoga pants. I don’t want to get crud on my sleep pants after all and it looks like the rain might start soon. 

float_on_alright: kate bishop with her head on a desk in exasperation (asdf)

I wrote a bit earlier in the day about having a to do list. I went ahead and posted it because I got distracted in the middle of it and now so much time has passed that I’m in a different state of mind than I was when I started it. I guess I want to start fresh now.


The anxiety has been kind of rough the last 24 hours or so which sucks. I’ve just had some chamomile tea and that seems to have helped some. I think part of it was how little I slept on Thursday night… or rather Friday morning. I only only got a few hours.


One of the big things right now is this damned Lit Mag Love course. Every time I think about it, I just get all out of sorts. I need to have everything in the four modules done by July 10th and I’m already like four weeks into the class and I haven’t even finished module 2 yet. I’m stuck on this posting the first page of a story that will be a submission story. I just feel like nothing I’ve written is going to qualify for this thing and I keep getting blocked when I try to write something new for it. And when I do write it’s for a book that I am actually liking a lot that I’ve been posting my chapters to on my other workshop course. Which means I’ve spent 0 time working on short stories at the moment when I really need to.


I think I may start working on my Mrs. Claus story for the Lit Mag Love thing. I just need to get enough reworked that I can submit the first page. That doesn’t sound like a lot but it feels like a major thing. It feels like this two ton cement block sitting on my sternum is what is feels like.


And it sucks. It just really, really sucks. I hate this. I hate this so much. I have feeling this way. I’ve been trying to sit with it and recognize what’s going on in my head and soothe myself and tell myself it’s all going to be okay and I just need to work on it. It helps a little I guess. Granted, maybe if I’d actually start working on the project like I’ve been telling myself, I might get over all this completely.


I also need to remind myself that a lot of times when I’ve been dealing with these different things, I’ve felt worse before I’ve felt better, that sometimes when you start digging into your mental wellbeing and what’s fucking with it, it sucks and then it gets better if you keep at it. I just need to keep at it.


I wanted to do “extra” writing today to get closer to my writing goal for the month but I may just do the “minimum.” I haven’t gotten to watch last night’s Wynonna Earp episode so it would be nice to get the writing done and then lay in bed and watch Wynonna and then go to sleep. I won’t be setting an alarm for the morning that’s for sure. I think I need to sleep a little longer with no alarm than I have been the last few days.


I had wanted to talk more about how fun last night was, because it really was but the only other thing I feel like talking about right now is how thankful I am that I’m not feeling depressed. The anxiety sucks, it really, really does but it’s not depression. Anxiety is a bitch but depression is lethal. So if I was going to have to battle either of them, I’m glad it’s anxiety. I can battle this. I can deal with this. Even if it means I need to use the medicine again - battles take weaponry. I’d like this to be a fistfight, but if my opponent has a sword, I’d better have one too.

float_on_alright: smiling (smiling)
I saw my therapist today and talked with her about the bouts of anxiety I’ve had and it was wonderful to talk to her about them. I’ve been telling my mom that I think they’re a good sign, that they mean that I’m working on the right things things - things that matter. She agreed with me. We talked about how anxiety is a normal human emotion and that most of the time it’s not a terrible thing. The problem comes when you spiral into lies your brain makes up and can’t get out of. She had some suggestions for how to deal with them when they happen and it wasn’t about medication for which I was thankful honestly. 

I’ve been watching Pretty Little Liars and I’m pretty sure I’m about to waste my summer binge-ing this show. There are 159 episodes as of a couple of days ago. Granted, six months ago I could've watched the seven seasons on Netflix in two weeks so I figure I’m probably improving life choices wise right? I mean I think I watched 24 hours of Dexter in less than a weekend. 

I did try to read the books, but I couldn’t make it through enough of them to have the plot of the show ruined though I can tell they made some changes. It’s such a drama show, so ridiculously over the top but it’s just the right kind of drama I guess to keep me watching. 

I’m going out with my friend Emily tomorrow to Caitlin’s show and we’re gonna get “pan-Asian food” beforehand and have a few drinks. We’re also supposed to “walk together” again tomorrow morning around 10 am so I’ll have to get up a little earlier than the last few days. I'm thinking I may take a nap afterwards because it is already well after midnight and I have more writing I should really do. 

I may just go to bed after this because I did do my “feedback” workshop homework tonight and that takes a bit of work. I really do try to give helpful feedback that people can actually use which is not a quick thing to do. It takes some pretty careful reading, often a couple of times, and some thought. I kind of like doing it, especially when a story has good bones but has room to grow and flourish. That's the best because you really feel like you’re putting energy into something that’s worth it. The workshop has a lot of good writers. There are quite a few stories that really captured me I’ve found so far. Of course, I’ve also found some stories that I struggled to get through. I know I mentioned it once before, but there was one story that was just totally incomprehensible. There was another that was just sort of “and then and then and then” but I have to say the second draft they posted was significantly better than the first so they obviously did real work and took into account the feedback they were given. 

The contest had a word count limit of 1000 words so I was proud of myself for staying right around 900. I’d really like to try my hand at some flash fiction - some 300 - 500 word stories that actually have some punch to them rather than just a sense of fun. I’ll just have to practice! I probably won’t get a whole lot done tomorrow what with needing to shower and get ready and go out in the evening. We’re meeting up around 5:30 so that means I’ll have to leave here by 4:30 at the latest and the show is set to run from 8pm to 11pm which means I won’t get home until midnight. That means I need a shower and probably a nap before I go out since I won’t get home until midnight - maybe later depending on how long we mingle afterwards. It’ll be fun though. I don’t at all regret deciding to go. 

Okay, I’m a little sad I’m going to miss watching Wynonna Earp live. I’ll admit that. But, if I’m still awake, maybe I can watch the re-air at 1am. And I can definitely sleep all day Saturday if I want. 

I need to try to remember to post the next chapter for the workshop before I go out to dinner tomorrow though because that’s not something I’ll be awake enough to do when I get back. 

Man, I know I said something similar yesterday, but time is SO FREAKING WEIRD. I honestly feel like I’ve been on vacation for a few months, not a few days. It doesn’t feel like I was at work last Friday. It’s surreal to even think. Anyway, I’d better either do some work on my stories or head to bed. 


Jun. 22nd, 2017 01:24 am
float_on_alright: lucificer says this is boring and pointless (lucificer says this is boring and pointl)

I’ve done a little writing today and managed to do two job applications. I also took a walk this morning “with” my friend Emily (we talked on the phone while we walked around our perspective neighborhoods) which was really fun actually. At work we often take walks in the morning on our break. She and I spend a good bit more time at work being sociable than we should be maybe. But seriously, not seeing each other for more than a couple of days at a time is sort of weird. I mean I know I worked last summer and she didn’t but that seems like … well several years ago if I’m honest. Last summer seems as far away from me as working for iTunes four years ago. Isn’t it strange the way time passes? I can’t believe how quickly this past year went by for the most part. I felt like I blinked and it was gone and at the same time, the last few months feel like they were years ago. Maybe it’s something about having this summer off that makes everything else feel so strange. Being off right now, it almost feels like this was always my life and I just had a weird dream about working the last year.


Time is so strange. The last few days have gone by quickly too but in a different way, I think. I thought I might try to make a schedule for myself, but I tend to not follow schedules even when I’m the one that makes them so I don’t figure I’ll bother, at least not at the moment. So far I’ve done a good job at staying productive - even if I’m behind on some of my homework. I did make it to the “office hour” today too which made me happy. They’re having an extra one this week on Friday but in the evening so I don’t think I’ll be able to attend that one. If they still have the one Saturday morning, I might make it up in time for that. Emily and I are going to a performance by one of our other co-workers choir group on Friday evening and then of course there’s Wynonna Earp and any squee-ing that might involve. Last Friday I was so exhausted I barely made it through the episode before I was unconscious.


Speaking of Fridays, I think Killjoys is back next week which is lovely. I sure do enjoy Killjoys too. And what a lineup! I think Dutch would love Wynonna.


I digress. Not that this really had a point except for that I think I find it a little easier to write my fiction after I’ve rambled for a bit about my real life.


I’ve got another busy day lined up tomorrow and hopefully that means I’ll be working on my assignments. Wish me luck y’all.

float_on_alright: apologize in advance as I slowly go nuts (apologize in advance as I slowly go nuts)
Okay maybe not the best medicine if you're a diabetic or you have cancer or something similarly dependent on actual medicine, but really, writing is incredibly therapeutic - at least for me. I always feel better after I do it, especially when it comes to journal/free write type stuff. 
I think that's a major point behind "The Artist's Way" of which I have read about 20 pages, but I will read one day! I will! 
Ugh, at least once a day, every day, I think about how there are going to be so many books I still want to read when I die. 
Okay I’m not that morbid about it. It’s more like “I am never going to be able to read all the books I want to read! Wahhhhh!” like a small child who can’t have ice cream or a grown man whose sports team has lost a championship game. But the struggle is real. 
But I digress. 
I’m pleased to say that whining and bitching in writing as I did earlier today was very helpful. I have now applied for two jobs and written about 700 words towards a story I’m writing. Which means I have the next thing to post in my workshop AND the start of something for the next week as well as some notes about how I see the book going over all. I discovered a new character (who I think will be sneaky and evil!) and have a flushed out a few ideas. It was fun. 
Tomorrow I will hopefully get some feedback responses done for the workshop people and do some diving into my Mrs. Claus story. I know it got rejected by the anthology I wrote it for, but I think if I do a good job on revamping it that I’ll be able to find a place for it eventually. Christmas comes every year and since Hallmark is doing their Christmas in July stuff, it almost sort of comes twice a year so that’s got to do good things for my chances. 
There is also the “office hour” (it’s a half an hour) for the Lit Mag Love course in the afternoon and hopefully I’ll remember to go to the video for the “mini writer’s retreat” in the evening. I still need to apply for two more jobs this week as well, but I do have another four days to do that so I’m not too stressed about that. Yay productivity! 
float_on_alright: yoda says write! (write you must to finish your fic)

I wrote another bit of what I hope will be a book eventually today and it came so smoothly and easily. I only wrote about 500 words but I did it in less than 20 minutes so I was really pleased with that. I think I’ll be able to add more tomorrow.


It feels good to be writing again though I feel like I’m nearly constantly at the edge of a panic attack these days. Just living with the tightness in my chest that’s hard to breathe around. I’m not living with it constantly but I feel like it does happen every morning on my way to work. There’s this one stop light I come to when I get off the highway and I’m close to work and it’s like the point I wake up on my way to work because I’m basically just driving on autopilot and half a brain cell up to that point. I feel like that’s the point I see the signs of a panic attack. I take deep breaths and just try to recognize that I’m not dying without “fighting” it. A few minutes later I’ll be busy doing the math to figure out if I’ve made it “on time” since you have a small window to still be “on time” if you clock in (for example, 8:05 is 8am by the time/payclock) and my car clock is six minutes fast. Once I get to the “am I late, late or technically on time, late?” stage, I’m usually not feeling too bad.


Well, I’m a little behind on my writing goal for the month (goal of 30,000). I should be at 13,000 but I’m only at a little over 11,000 but that’s okay. I needed the break I gave myself. I’m addicted to reading right now which, look I know that I’m always a reader but I go through periods of intense reading and I’m in one of those places right now. In the last week I’ve read or listened to over 1200 pages. And that’s just counting the books and comics I’ve finished - not anything I’m part way through, fanfiction or short stories, or reading to edit.


I think it might be the time of year. I mean my schools are shutting down, it’s summer, and I was conditioned in school and in my current job that summer meant reading. This might be a pavlov's bell thing. Or it could just be my own natural reading rhythm which brings these kinds of things up every 3 - 6 months.


I’m not sure.


Anyway, my POINT is that... Nope, no idea what my point is. Possibly that I’m well ahead on my reading goal for the month and my editing goal for the month so I just need to buckle down and get to work on my writing and such. I’m scared of re-working my Mrs. Clause story but I’m also determined to do it.


But no more of that today. It’s my bedtime.




float_on_alright: procrastination is hard work (procrastination is hard work)
I feel great about everything I got done yesterday and I feel pretty good about what I accomplished today. It helps that work was fairly quiet the last two days. I only have 8 work days left until we get laid off for the “summer”. I’ll be “unemployed” for 6 weeks about. I’m both nervous about not working (I worked the summer weeks the last couple of years) and incredibly excited. I know I've mentioned this in the past but since it’s super close now, it’s real in a way it wasn’t previously. 

I’ll need to clean up my desk but there won’t be a whole lot to that and I can do that next week. This week the managers are in a meeting in Chicago for several days so I don’t have to worry about my manager coming up behind me and asking questions about what I’m doing. Cleaning one's desk of old paperwork and organizing for when we come back from the summer is a perfectly acceptable thing to do on company time. Not that they’ll really breathe down my neck next week much. Not many people will still have schools in. I'll have a couple but most of mine are finishing up some time this week. 

I’m rambling. I did get a good chunk of editing done today which was great. I read a book I’d been meaning to read that was due ano that couldn’t be renewed (someone else had it on hold) so that was great. Emily and I walked this morning which was also really nice. 

So here’s where I’m running into trouble. I’m in these two online courses/workshops right now and they’re great but I’ve hit panic mode a little bit. I think my brain is doing a bit of self-sabotaging.

For one class, I need to produce a unique piece each week to have workshopped. It can be a blog post, a personal essay, a short story, a poem, or a chapter in a book but it’s due by Friday so that other people can have the opportunity to review and comment on it. I am looking forward to this. Next, that same course is also sponsoring a writing contest - the story needs to be written and posted by next Monday. It will be workshopped as well. Then we get to edit it and submit it by the 19th (or something like that). So you see, I have a piece due Friday, a piece due Monday, and some reviews today. 

Now for the other class - it’s a class about submitting work to Literary Magazines (contests and grant writing type stuff too but mainly Literary Magazines). I’ve been going along doing my homework like a good little girl but here’s where I’ve gotten stuck. I need to have a piece that’s ready to be prepared for submission. That doesn’t mean it has to be perfect or anything, but it does mean that I have to have something to work on and I need to do that this week. 

So I’m assuming you're starting to see how and why I’m feeling a little panicky. I do have some things written but most of them have a) already been submitted to a contest, 2) meant for my website once I get it up so that I have some posts to get me started, 3) something I consider terrible or just don’t like. With the exception of maybe one flash fiction piece. I’m just not sure about finding a place for it. Especially since it’s just a cute, silly story, and it takes place during winter. I just… I know there are loads of journals that accept flash fiction, but I don’t know. I may ask one of my friends to read it and see what they think. I hate to sound so needy but this is all feeling a little overwhelming. And of course if that thing doesn't work, I HAVE TO WRITE ANOTHER STORY. 

I should mention that I do at least have a rough draft to submit for the story contest so I’ll probably do that tomorrow. Of course the thing with that story is that I like it but I’m not sure that I’ve really adhered to the prompt. We had several to choose from and I liked the one I picked a lot and I do like what I’ve written, but again I’m not sure that it fulfills the prompt. At the same time, there’s a limit of 1000 words for the story and if I were going to do everything I wanted to do, I’d probably end up with twice that. Not that I’d really need twice that, I’d just be having fun writing. I can get a little repetitive, I know this and I’m working on it. 

I do have what could be the first chapter in a novel or novella written. The problem is I don’t have much of anything else for the story planned. The chapter itself came about by accident and I don’t know about submitting a chapter of a book I don’t know if I’ll write more of. At the same time, if it’s a start I might be able to make something of it. I mean, I feel a little lost when it comes to plotting things so that’s something I’ve been wanting to work on anyway so maybe this is the chance. I am a little nervous about submitting something to a group that has a lesbian as a main character though just because I don’t know anything about any of these people. At the same time, the world isn’t really queer friendly on a whole and I already know I want to write queer literature (emphasis on the queer, take “literature” with a grain of salt or just a whole canister) and I’m going to have to face whatever issues come with that eventually. 

I may need to rename her - the main character in that not quite “chapter”. I’m not sure her name works. I’ll have to think on that too. 

I’m going to have to start writing a story every other day so that I have enough to go around!

Friday night I’m going with a couple of the girls from work to see Wonder Woman and probably have dinner. I’m looking forward to it, but since my story has to be posted by midnight, I will need have whatever I’m submitting to them posted before I go so the movie. The managers will be back by then and we’re having a cookout so I have no idea what that day will be like. I may have plenty of time to work on these things, I may have none so I probably really need to post it by Thursday, just to be safe. 

I know I’m just scared. I know I’m just worried that other people will be better than me. There will always be people out there better than me in some way or another. That’s the way the world works. And even if you’re on top for a while, there will always be someone who comes along to beat your record. That’s not only how the world works, but how it’s supposed to work. Expansion and growth and invention are a natural part of the world’s cycle. And just because someone else is better doesn’t mean there isn’t room for me too. 

I needed to get some of this out because it was blocking me a little. I think I can approach things a little more calmly and rationally now. Wish me luck!

float_on_alright: don't ruin my story with your logic (keep your logic out of my stories)
I was doing so well with my goals over all until this past week. Looking for motivation was like hitting a brick wall or something. I just kept bouncing off something in my mind when I went to be productive. I did eventually get a good bit done but it was tooth and nails fighting. Part of it, I’m sure, was that personal stuff going on (tire, etcetera), and part of it was likely all the rain. I don’t do well with days on end of clouds and rain. I could’ve been a little burned out - there’s been a lot of pressure at work and a lot of feeling like the effort I’m putting into my job right now isn't really going anywhere (not necessarily true, but definitely how I’m feeling) and I know that will put a damper on putting work into “extra stuff” - aka the stuff I’m not currently being paid to do. 

But I think I may have also set the wrong goals or at least set my goals in the wrong way. 

When I first started writing again this February my goals were something like:

Write 500 words
Spend 30 minutes doing productive things that are not reading or writing a day and some days that should be exercise. 

And that worked really, really well. I added and morphed as I went along but I’m still basically in that same kind of mode I think. 

The good thing about that structure was it let me work on whatever project was what I either most needed or most wanted to work on that day. I wasn’t, for lack of a better word, trying to micromanage myself. I didn’t realize you could do such a thing - micromanage yourself - but as it turns out, you can and I did my very best. Unfortunately, I don’t do well with micromanagement so does that mean I’m back to the drawing board on my new goals? 

Well, yes, I think so. Maybe reverting back to previous standards might be a good way to put it. But I do want to also keep in mind that there are two things happening right now… maybe three? Maybe a trillion? Anyway…

First, I am giving up the copywriting thing and seeing if I can get my money back. That was part of deal within a year if I decided it wasn’t for me that I could get my money back so I am working on that now. It sounded like a great idea but the more I get into it the more I feel like it’s pulling me away from my actual goal which is to write fiction and get paid for it. While advertisements and sales letters take smarts, creativity, and work, it’s not my ultimate goal and if I learned anything from spending time learning American Sign Language, it’s that if I dedicate my spare time away from my job on something other than my main goals, I tend to end up either frustrated, bored, sad, overwhelmed, stressed, generally unhappy, or some combination thereof. It would be a really cool thing to do and learn and make money off of but the more I split my time and attention the less I’ll move forward on any particular thing. Then I’ll feel scattered and useless. Then I’ll get depressed. And I’ll be exhausted from the scattered effort and then I’ll get anxious about not being good enough and then I’ll get tired and more depressed. So, sorry copywriting. Maybe we’ll reevaluate at a later date. 

Second, I applied for a mentor program. Rebby has always been such a wonderful person but I’ve asked her to be friend, beta, and mentor and she’s always tried to help but I know she has massive goals of her own right now and while I hope and will endeavor to make sure that we continue to be these things to each other, I hope that finding another mentor will help make our writing relationship better. Plus, I think another perspective is a great idea. There are only so many slots available for this free program so I’m not guaranteed to get it. 

Third, I’ve signed up for a course call Lit Mag Love about submitting to literary magazines. It includes finding good fit magazines, how to write cover letters, and information that editors are looking for all which I think will be tremendously helpful. It will also involve six weeks of accountability and peer feedback. As I’ve been such a coward about going for trying to get published etcetera I think it would be so good for me. There’s also part of the program for working on setting up a submission system and I’ve read so so so much about how success is based more on good systems than literally anything else so I can’t help but be drawn to this. Plus I think I kind of love systems - at least in personal cases. I didn’t realize that this was a thing with me until recently, but there you go. 

So new weekly goals will revolve around completing course assignments and meeting with peer groups, course leaders, and any mentors that I get. Then each day I’ll need to decide what the priorities are. I still need to make sure that I’m writing or doing work for writing every day and I still want to exercise every day. But I am going to let my energy levels and focus do a little more guiding again in what I accomplish each day. 

And also, if there is anything that I am saving for the last minute, I’m going to really dig into why I’m putting it off. Is it because I’m scared of failure and success like I am with establishing my website or is it because I really just don’t have real interest in the project and it’s taking away from the things I am genuinely giddy over like copywriting? Because those two things need to be handled very differently. 

Thanks for being on this journey with me. 

float_on_alright: never let anyone treat you like a yellow starburts you're a pink starburst (never let anyone treat you like a yellow)
Since I’ve finished Wynonna Earp and my Mrs. Claus stories (Reb has kindly looked through my Mrs. Claus so it’s still in the editing process) I haven’t been sure what I wanted to work on next. I picked up working on a creepy story I started while I was working on the StoryADay challenge - it was one of the ones I liked the concept of from stories I wrote or started during those days. I have a little more written in it since I started it but it’s a creepy topic/story to me and since I’m holding down the fort with just the dog, I don’t want to work on that after dark. It’s one thing to work on it when it’s sunny and warm, but not this close to dark. 

So I don’t feel good working on that tonight since I’ll end up giving myself nightmares. I mean I’m hoping it means I’m writing a good story if I’m giving myself the creeps writing it. 

Does Stephen King get creeped out by his own stories, I wonder? I should read his “On Writing” book again. My mom actually bought that book for me when I was about 13 - 14 and I started talking about wanting to be a writer. She's such a good momma. Especially considering I’m pretty sure she hates Stephen King.

Not the point. I have a short romance story I really like but it’s super short and I don’t think it would be good for submitting to the Writer’s Market Competition. I would like to submit something to that but I am just not sure what I would want to send in. Maybe the horror story if I can finish and edit it in time. It’s due by something like the 30 or 31st of May so I don’t have a lot of time left. But I’m also trying to face my fears as far as submission and possible publication so it’s important for me to keep working forward. 

I do wanna say I had a wonderful day today. I spent several hours in the sun today - the pools had a party for kicking off the summer pool months and for the renovations at the clubhouse and clubhouse pool that I went to. They had a lot of fun games for the kids (not that adults weren’t allowed to play too - they were). They had a MC and everything. He played some good music and the games for the kids were pretty clever. I bet the parents were glad of the games because I’d bet money those kids were worn out after that afternoon at the pool. I spent 3 hours and change there. The sun always leaves me feeling a little drowsy. The dog and I also did a couple of hundredths shy of a mile and a half walking today which was fun. But meant more time in the sun. Basically, I’m sunburned and sleepy. Lol. 

Plus I was woken up several times this morning high was okay the second time but I was a little annoyed about the first. I did wanna say goodbye to my folks before they went off on their road trip, but they woke me up and it was almost 30 minutes before they actually left after that and they wanted me to help with stuff. I probably still would’ve gone back to sleep after that, but I got back in bed only to hear them come back because they’d forgotten something and since that was like the third time I’d been hauled out of bed I figured I’d just get up. It was still a nice morning. I watched an NCISLA and at breakfast before heading to the pool around noon. 

The pool was great as I mentioned. I did spend like an hour just surfing Facebook which I think I may have needed to spend most of today just unwinding. I feel like Facebook is such a waste of time but I was watching some funny videos and a couple of sweet ones so it wasn't just memes about people's political opinions and I have been working hard lately. I need to do better with the job I'm currently paid to do so that it will continue to take care of me until such time as I figure out how to make money writing. 

Anyway, I'm worn out. I've got a big to-do list for tomorrow so I had better get some sleep. Peace. 

float_on_alright: procrastination is hard work (procrastination is hard work)

I’m reading “The Artist’s Way” right now, well I just started it really. One of the things she’s mentions is “morning pages” - three handwritten pages every morning to help get your shit out of your way at the beginning of the day (or at least that’s what it sounds like from what I’ve read so far which again hasn’t been much). I find that idea intriguing and I'm looking forward to seeing what other things she has in store. She recommends reading the book through once before you get started with the activities. I have a copy checked out from the library but I found a copy on ThriftBooks and it’s currently on it’s way to me. I’m hopeful that it will arrive today in the mail so that it will be there when I get home tomorrow. But it isn't a big deal if it takes a few more days for that book and the other couple of books I ordered to get to me especially since I have the library book for a few more days. 

Intellectually, I know that the more you work on being creative, the more you practice being creative, the more easily creativity will happen and flow. But I think my subconscious has been terrified that I’ll “use up” all my creativity and that it will be gone and I’ll have nothing left and then I’ll be empty and it’ll kill me - not in the literal sense, but that I’ll be a husk with no real person left in me. That's not how creativity works. 

When I was writing consistently, 90% less writer’s block than when I was just writing when it struck me. Writing stories begets writing stories. The more that with people about writing and the stories, the more story ideas I had - so many I could rarely keep up with them. I have experience that says I’ll be a more productive writer the more that I write so how it is I still have that fear, I’m not sure. I’m thinking that maybe it’s because I’ve never addressed the fear itself - not head on. Or maybe it’s a fear that will always be something I have to face head on, day after day. And maybe that’s okay. Afterall, the only way to face that fear every day is to write every day. So, here I go, Day 6, to write another story. 

float_on_alright: our ship is a yacht (yacht)
I need to write my story for today but I haven’t gotten there yet. I’m at the beach again this weekend, which is amazing. I’m so incredibly thankful that I get to be here again this weekend. Mom and I are both here and dad of course too. He’s having trouble with one of his teeth and he’s concerned he’s going to have to have a root canal or something which is stressful. I certainly hope that’s not the case. 

It’s a bit chilly here so I’ve got on my hoodie and a I’ve got a blanket draped over me but I couldn’t resist coming out on our little porch to write for a bit. We’re on the ocean front so while I can hear a few voices floating up from the hot tubs and the pools, mostly I just hear the waves and the breeze. There are a couple of girls (okay, I can’t say 100% that they’re girls from the balcony of a 9th floor condo but I’m fairly certain) on a blanket on the beach. They’re facing each other and it kind of looks like a picnic date. 

It’s not fair of me to hope, when I see two girls together, that they’re a couple or at least it makes me feel as though I’m devaluing friendship when I do. I don’t ever want to devalue friendship. Real friendship between women is one of the most beautiful and sacred things on this planet and I’d never want to degrade it in any way, it’s just I want to see women romantically and sexually loving women too, in happy, mutual, real life ways. I don’t get to see it in real life often and I just crave that kind of thing in my life. It’s not fair to other women, but there you go. 

The waves are incredibly peaceful and I feel like I could fall asleep in this chair which would be ridiculous because it’s a plastic porch chair you can find a Harris Teeter for $19.99 but I am a bit sleepy, I have had a drink, I am cozy all wrapped in my blanket and hoodie, and the the ocean is quite lulling so there you go. 

I do have to say that I was proud of myself today. I did make a call to my senators about the health care thing. I don’t know what’s going to happen next but I’ll know I did the best I could signing petitions and calling both my senators. I was thankful that all I had to do was leave a quick voicemail for both senators. I was so nervous and speaking with a real person would’ve made that nervousness worse, but it was important that I do it, no matter what the final outcome. 

I’m also proud that I’ve written four stories so far this month. Four. I know that’s not a whole lot or anything and I know I have a lot of days to go but I’ve never had a start to a month like this and it feels amazing. I’ve also been invited to contribute to another person’s personal development blog and I have Wordpress installed on my web domain so I can start the next step in having my very own website - how bout that? I’d like to get it going, then post the first blog post, and THEN write for SHRPA.com and their Medium presence. I don’t, however, want to put off the post so long I don’t do it at all which is tricky. 

I spent more money than my goal. Shopping has been something I’ve used to battle anxiety and depression in the past and with the challenges I’ve been putting myself up to lately, I think my subconscious decided to throw a bit of a fit. Poor thing is a bit scared. I don’t know that it recognizes who I am any more. 

I’d very much like to head to bed, but I still need to write a story. I don’t know what I’m going to write about. Maybe I’ll do my best to get over my shit and write a story about two girls on a late night beach picnic date. 

If I can do something short - maybe just enough to get 1000 words for the night (including this which is a little over 600 at this point) then I’ll head on in to sleep. 

More updates soon. 


float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)

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