float_on_alright: apologize in advance as I slowly go nuts (apologize in advance as I slowly go nuts)
Okay maybe not the best medicine if you're a diabetic or you have cancer or something similarly dependent on actual medicine, but really, writing is incredibly therapeutic - at least for me. I always feel better after I do it, especially when it comes to journal/free write type stuff. 
 
I think that's a major point behind "The Artist's Way" of which I have read about 20 pages, but I will read one day! I will! 
 
Ugh, at least once a day, every day, I think about how there are going to be so many books I still want to read when I die. 
 
Okay I’m not that morbid about it. It’s more like “I am never going to be able to read all the books I want to read! Wahhhhh!” like a small child who can’t have ice cream or a grown man whose sports team has lost a championship game. But the struggle is real. 
 
But I digress. 
 
I’m pleased to say that whining and bitching in writing as I did earlier today was very helpful. I have now applied for two jobs and written about 700 words towards a story I’m writing. Which means I have the next thing to post in my workshop AND the start of something for the next week as well as some notes about how I see the book going over all. I discovered a new character (who I think will be sneaky and evil!) and have a flushed out a few ideas. It was fun. 
 
Tomorrow I will hopefully get some feedback responses done for the workshop people and do some diving into my Mrs. Claus story. I know it got rejected by the anthology I wrote it for, but I think if I do a good job on revamping it that I’ll be able to find a place for it eventually. Christmas comes every year and since Hallmark is doing their Christmas in July stuff, it almost sort of comes twice a year so that’s got to do good things for my chances. 
 
There is also the “office hour” (it’s a half an hour) for the Lit Mag Love course in the afternoon and hopefully I’ll remember to go to the video for the “mini writer’s retreat” in the evening. I still need to apply for two more jobs this week as well, but I do have another four days to do that so I’m not too stressed about that. Yay productivity! 
 
float_on_alright: procrastination is hard work (procrastination is hard work)
I feel great about everything I got done yesterday and I feel pretty good about what I accomplished today. It helps that work was fairly quiet the last two days. I only have 8 work days left until we get laid off for the “summer”. I’ll be “unemployed” for 6 weeks about. I’m both nervous about not working (I worked the summer weeks the last couple of years) and incredibly excited. I know I've mentioned this in the past but since it’s super close now, it’s real in a way it wasn’t previously. 

I’ll need to clean up my desk but there won’t be a whole lot to that and I can do that next week. This week the managers are in a meeting in Chicago for several days so I don’t have to worry about my manager coming up behind me and asking questions about what I’m doing. Cleaning one's desk of old paperwork and organizing for when we come back from the summer is a perfectly acceptable thing to do on company time. Not that they’ll really breathe down my neck next week much. Not many people will still have schools in. I'll have a couple but most of mine are finishing up some time this week. 

I’m rambling. I did get a good chunk of editing done today which was great. I read a book I’d been meaning to read that was due ano that couldn’t be renewed (someone else had it on hold) so that was great. Emily and I walked this morning which was also really nice. 

So here’s where I’m running into trouble. I’m in these two online courses/workshops right now and they’re great but I’ve hit panic mode a little bit. I think my brain is doing a bit of self-sabotaging.

For one class, I need to produce a unique piece each week to have workshopped. It can be a blog post, a personal essay, a short story, a poem, or a chapter in a book but it’s due by Friday so that other people can have the opportunity to review and comment on it. I am looking forward to this. Next, that same course is also sponsoring a writing contest - the story needs to be written and posted by next Monday. It will be workshopped as well. Then we get to edit it and submit it by the 19th (or something like that). So you see, I have a piece due Friday, a piece due Monday, and some reviews today. 

Now for the other class - it’s a class about submitting work to Literary Magazines (contests and grant writing type stuff too but mainly Literary Magazines). I’ve been going along doing my homework like a good little girl but here’s where I’ve gotten stuck. I need to have a piece that’s ready to be prepared for submission. That doesn’t mean it has to be perfect or anything, but it does mean that I have to have something to work on and I need to do that this week. 

So I’m assuming you're starting to see how and why I’m feeling a little panicky. I do have some things written but most of them have a) already been submitted to a contest, 2) meant for my website once I get it up so that I have some posts to get me started, 3) something I consider terrible or just don’t like. With the exception of maybe one flash fiction piece. I’m just not sure about finding a place for it. Especially since it’s just a cute, silly story, and it takes place during winter. I just… I know there are loads of journals that accept flash fiction, but I don’t know. I may ask one of my friends to read it and see what they think. I hate to sound so needy but this is all feeling a little overwhelming. And of course if that thing doesn't work, I HAVE TO WRITE ANOTHER STORY. 

I should mention that I do at least have a rough draft to submit for the story contest so I’ll probably do that tomorrow. Of course the thing with that story is that I like it but I’m not sure that I’ve really adhered to the prompt. We had several to choose from and I liked the one I picked a lot and I do like what I’ve written, but again I’m not sure that it fulfills the prompt. At the same time, there’s a limit of 1000 words for the story and if I were going to do everything I wanted to do, I’d probably end up with twice that. Not that I’d really need twice that, I’d just be having fun writing. I can get a little repetitive, I know this and I’m working on it. 

I do have what could be the first chapter in a novel or novella written. The problem is I don’t have much of anything else for the story planned. The chapter itself came about by accident and I don’t know about submitting a chapter of a book I don’t know if I’ll write more of. At the same time, if it’s a start I might be able to make something of it. I mean, I feel a little lost when it comes to plotting things so that’s something I’ve been wanting to work on anyway so maybe this is the chance. I am a little nervous about submitting something to a group that has a lesbian as a main character though just because I don’t know anything about any of these people. At the same time, the world isn’t really queer friendly on a whole and I already know I want to write queer literature (emphasis on the queer, take “literature” with a grain of salt or just a whole canister) and I’m going to have to face whatever issues come with that eventually. 

I may need to rename her - the main character in that not quite “chapter”. I’m not sure her name works. I’ll have to think on that too. 

I’m going to have to start writing a story every other day so that I have enough to go around!

Friday night I’m going with a couple of the girls from work to see Wonder Woman and probably have dinner. I’m looking forward to it, but since my story has to be posted by midnight, I will need have whatever I’m submitting to them posted before I go so the movie. The managers will be back by then and we’re having a cookout so I have no idea what that day will be like. I may have plenty of time to work on these things, I may have none so I probably really need to post it by Thursday, just to be safe. 

I know I’m just scared. I know I’m just worried that other people will be better than me. There will always be people out there better than me in some way or another. That’s the way the world works. And even if you’re on top for a while, there will always be someone who comes along to beat your record. That’s not only how the world works, but how it’s supposed to work. Expansion and growth and invention are a natural part of the world’s cycle. And just because someone else is better doesn’t mean there isn’t room for me too. 

I needed to get some of this out because it was blocking me a little. I think I can approach things a little more calmly and rationally now. Wish me luck!

float_on_alright: don't ruin my story with your logic (keep your logic out of my stories)
I was doing so well with my goals over all until this past week. Looking for motivation was like hitting a brick wall or something. I just kept bouncing off something in my mind when I went to be productive. I did eventually get a good bit done but it was tooth and nails fighting. Part of it, I’m sure, was that personal stuff going on (tire, etcetera), and part of it was likely all the rain. I don’t do well with days on end of clouds and rain. I could’ve been a little burned out - there’s been a lot of pressure at work and a lot of feeling like the effort I’m putting into my job right now isn't really going anywhere (not necessarily true, but definitely how I’m feeling) and I know that will put a damper on putting work into “extra stuff” - aka the stuff I’m not currently being paid to do. 

But I think I may have also set the wrong goals or at least set my goals in the wrong way. 

When I first started writing again this February my goals were something like:

Write 500 words
Spend 30 minutes doing productive things that are not reading or writing a day and some days that should be exercise. 

And that worked really, really well. I added and morphed as I went along but I’m still basically in that same kind of mode I think. 

The good thing about that structure was it let me work on whatever project was what I either most needed or most wanted to work on that day. I wasn’t, for lack of a better word, trying to micromanage myself. I didn’t realize you could do such a thing - micromanage yourself - but as it turns out, you can and I did my very best. Unfortunately, I don’t do well with micromanagement so does that mean I’m back to the drawing board on my new goals? 

Well, yes, I think so. Maybe reverting back to previous standards might be a good way to put it. But I do want to also keep in mind that there are two things happening right now… maybe three? Maybe a trillion? Anyway…

First, I am giving up the copywriting thing and seeing if I can get my money back. That was part of deal within a year if I decided it wasn’t for me that I could get my money back so I am working on that now. It sounded like a great idea but the more I get into it the more I feel like it’s pulling me away from my actual goal which is to write fiction and get paid for it. While advertisements and sales letters take smarts, creativity, and work, it’s not my ultimate goal and if I learned anything from spending time learning American Sign Language, it’s that if I dedicate my spare time away from my job on something other than my main goals, I tend to end up either frustrated, bored, sad, overwhelmed, stressed, generally unhappy, or some combination thereof. It would be a really cool thing to do and learn and make money off of but the more I split my time and attention the less I’ll move forward on any particular thing. Then I’ll feel scattered and useless. Then I’ll get depressed. And I’ll be exhausted from the scattered effort and then I’ll get anxious about not being good enough and then I’ll get tired and more depressed. So, sorry copywriting. Maybe we’ll reevaluate at a later date. 

Second, I applied for a mentor program. Rebby has always been such a wonderful person but I’ve asked her to be friend, beta, and mentor and she’s always tried to help but I know she has massive goals of her own right now and while I hope and will endeavor to make sure that we continue to be these things to each other, I hope that finding another mentor will help make our writing relationship better. Plus, I think another perspective is a great idea. There are only so many slots available for this free program so I’m not guaranteed to get it. 

Third, I’ve signed up for a course call Lit Mag Love about submitting to literary magazines. It includes finding good fit magazines, how to write cover letters, and information that editors are looking for all which I think will be tremendously helpful. It will also involve six weeks of accountability and peer feedback. As I’ve been such a coward about going for trying to get published etcetera I think it would be so good for me. There’s also part of the program for working on setting up a submission system and I’ve read so so so much about how success is based more on good systems than literally anything else so I can’t help but be drawn to this. Plus I think I kind of love systems - at least in personal cases. I didn’t realize that this was a thing with me until recently, but there you go. 

So new weekly goals will revolve around completing course assignments and meeting with peer groups, course leaders, and any mentors that I get. Then each day I’ll need to decide what the priorities are. I still need to make sure that I’m writing or doing work for writing every day and I still want to exercise every day. But I am going to let my energy levels and focus do a little more guiding again in what I accomplish each day. 

And also, if there is anything that I am saving for the last minute, I’m going to really dig into why I’m putting it off. Is it because I’m scared of failure and success like I am with establishing my website or is it because I really just don’t have real interest in the project and it’s taking away from the things I am genuinely giddy over like copywriting? Because those two things need to be handled very differently. 

Thanks for being on this journey with me. 


float_on_alright: our ship is a yacht (yacht)
 
I need to write my story for today but I haven’t gotten there yet. I’m at the beach again this weekend, which is amazing. I’m so incredibly thankful that I get to be here again this weekend. Mom and I are both here and dad of course too. He’s having trouble with one of his teeth and he’s concerned he’s going to have to have a root canal or something which is stressful. I certainly hope that’s not the case. 

It’s a bit chilly here so I’ve got on my hoodie and a I’ve got a blanket draped over me but I couldn’t resist coming out on our little porch to write for a bit. We’re on the ocean front so while I can hear a few voices floating up from the hot tubs and the pools, mostly I just hear the waves and the breeze. There are a couple of girls (okay, I can’t say 100% that they’re girls from the balcony of a 9th floor condo but I’m fairly certain) on a blanket on the beach. They’re facing each other and it kind of looks like a picnic date. 

It’s not fair of me to hope, when I see two girls together, that they’re a couple or at least it makes me feel as though I’m devaluing friendship when I do. I don’t ever want to devalue friendship. Real friendship between women is one of the most beautiful and sacred things on this planet and I’d never want to degrade it in any way, it’s just I want to see women romantically and sexually loving women too, in happy, mutual, real life ways. I don’t get to see it in real life often and I just crave that kind of thing in my life. It’s not fair to other women, but there you go. 

The waves are incredibly peaceful and I feel like I could fall asleep in this chair which would be ridiculous because it’s a plastic porch chair you can find a Harris Teeter for $19.99 but I am a bit sleepy, I have had a drink, I am cozy all wrapped in my blanket and hoodie, and the the ocean is quite lulling so there you go. 

I do have to say that I was proud of myself today. I did make a call to my senators about the health care thing. I don’t know what’s going to happen next but I’ll know I did the best I could signing petitions and calling both my senators. I was thankful that all I had to do was leave a quick voicemail for both senators. I was so nervous and speaking with a real person would’ve made that nervousness worse, but it was important that I do it, no matter what the final outcome. 

I’m also proud that I’ve written four stories so far this month. Four. I know that’s not a whole lot or anything and I know I have a lot of days to go but I’ve never had a start to a month like this and it feels amazing. I’ve also been invited to contribute to another person’s personal development blog and I have Wordpress installed on my web domain so I can start the next step in having my very own website - how bout that? I’d like to get it going, then post the first blog post, and THEN write for SHRPA.com and their Medium presence. I don’t, however, want to put off the post so long I don’t do it at all which is tricky. 

I spent more money than my goal. Shopping has been something I’ve used to battle anxiety and depression in the past and with the challenges I’ve been putting myself up to lately, I think my subconscious decided to throw a bit of a fit. Poor thing is a bit scared. I don’t know that it recognizes who I am any more. 

I’d very much like to head to bed, but I still need to write a story. I don’t know what I’m going to write about. Maybe I’ll do my best to get over my shit and write a story about two girls on a late night beach picnic date. 

If I can do something short - maybe just enough to get 1000 words for the night (including this which is a little over 600 at this point) then I’ll head on in to sleep. 

More updates soon. 
 

Beach!!

Apr. 28th, 2017 02:48 pm
float_on_alright: don't worry about what people think they don't do it often (don't worry about what people think)
 We're headed to the beach! I'm so excited. I've been looking forward to this so much. Mom and I are listening to the second Veronica Mars book as we head down. It's a good!
 
float_on_alright: hardison what did i say (hardison what did i say)
 
It’s been a good day folks. I am tired though! I should probably get to bed earlier at night but I’m just so excited about moving my furniture and my room. And it’s basically all I can think about. I’ve been trying to write and edit but it’s just about impossible to do anything but rearrange furniture in my head and estimate furniture dimensions. I’ve also got some new wall art which I am so, so excited to get and put up. If everything works out as I hoped, which if I measured and did math correctly (questionable) I’m going to have it set up so that the love seat and the bed both are comfortable viewing for the TV which will be fun. The bed already is, but the love seat is just so so and I’m just not in love with it where it is any more. I think moving it would be better. I think it will also be set up fairly well for exercising 

More importantly, however, I think I’m going to be able to set up a nook for me and my computer so that when I’m writing/typing on my computer I’ll be tucked away with my seat situated so I can enjoy my room. I’m very excited. I just think this is going to be so, so nice. It already feels so much better in my room and I still have piles of random stuff and a few empty boxes that I’m working on filling and the TV is on the floor. Seriously, even with all that mess going on, it still feels better in my room. 

I have taken off Friday. I know I just took of Monday, but I want to get the furniture situation sorted so I can start putting things in place. I’m going to have to take a ton of stuff out of the room to be able to move the furniture around so while there is a shit on less in there, it’s still going to take me time to figure all that out. Thankfully my mom is retired and she’s going to help me with the furniture. It would’ve been nice if Dad was going to be home to help too but he’s down with the flu so he’s staying at his little condo in Myrtle Beach so that he - hopefully - doesn't spread it to anyone else. The doctor he say yesterday said he was going to be super contagious through Saturday so that didn’t sound fun to any of us. According to him, dad has like the mega flu (he’s a whiny baby when he’s sick). Anyway, I’m exhausted and I need to go to sleep.

I’m just so excited. 

float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)
Actually I just wanted a reason to use this icon.

*G*
float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)
Actually I just wanted a reason to use this icon.

*G*
float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (like pulling teeth danno)
 
Ah, it’s Christmas Shopping Season! I know this for many reasons and amongst the clues are the phone calls I get at least once an hour that start like this:
Me: “Thanks for calling ‘our bookstore’ at ‘our location’! How can I help you today?”
Customer: “Is this ‘our bookstore’?”
Me: “Yes.”
Customer: “At ‘our location’?”
Me: “Yes.”

And I’ve had this call:
Me: “Thanks for calling ‘our bookstore’ at ‘our location’! How can I help you today?”
Customer: “Is this CVS?”
Me: “Um, no it’s ‘our bookstore’ at ‘our location’. Can I help you?”
Customer: “You’re not the CVS?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: “Oh.”  *Click*

It's amazing actually how many times a day someone hangs up on me or just ignores me in the store. 
float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (like pulling teeth danno)
 
Ah, it’s Christmas Shopping Season! I know this for many reasons and amongst the clues are the phone calls I get at least once an hour that start like this:
Me: “Thanks for calling ‘our bookstore’ at ‘our location’! How can I help you today?”
Customer: “Is this ‘our bookstore’?”
Me: “Yes.”
Customer: “At ‘our location’?”
Me: “Yes.”

And I’ve had this call:
Me: “Thanks for calling ‘our bookstore’ at ‘our location’! How can I help you today?”
Customer: “Is this CVS?”
Me: “Um, no it’s ‘our bookstore’ at ‘our location’. Can I help you?”
Customer: “You’re not the CVS?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: “Oh.”  *Click*

It's amazing actually how many times a day someone hangs up on me or just ignores me in the store. 
float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Trust me I know what I'm doing Blood Tie)
Guess who got a job at a library as a reference librarian (part time)?

Oooooh yeah!

Me, that's who!

But I'll still be working at the bookstore selling books, and I'm always a shopper!
float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Trust me I know what I'm doing Blood Tie)
Guess who got a job at a library as a reference librarian (part time)?

Oooooh yeah!

Me, that's who!

But I'll still be working at the bookstore selling books, and I'm always a shopper!

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float_on_alright: i'm known as actually (Default)
Kate

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