May. 10th, 2017

float_on_alright: claudia wide eyed (claudia the eyes)
I don’t feel like it today. I just don’t. I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna. I’m tired and cranky and I want to go to bed. Actually, it’s not so much cranky as just a general sense of feeling like I’m tapped out. I was so tired today that half the time I felt like I couldn’t form words. I went through barrels of caffeine - like the kind of caffeine consumption they normally advise against. So much caffeine that at some point I had the shakes. 

I did feel hugely proud of myself for a couple of things today. I had a meeting with Johnny about my unrebooked schools for fall and Scott said I did really good. Those are normally the kinds of meetings that freak me out and I was a little nervous beforehand, but it was like this sense of calm and composure just fell over me as we were going through my schools. Maybe it was because I really have gotten a feel for my territory but I think a lot of it has to do with how much better of a place I’m in emotionally right now. It’s just such a massive difference. 

I think meditating and maybe doing some yoga too is a big help. My mind felt so calm today at that meeting. 

Or maybe I was just too tired to expend the extra energy on worrying and stressing. 

I don't know. I guess I felt really in the flow and in tune. He pointed out that I had the lowest rebooking rate for fall of the teams and that in the past would’ve stressed me the hell out and put me off and sent me into a tizzy of stress, worry, defensiveness, and general fear. Instead, it just didn't even phase me. I knew where I was and just said, I think that’s right. I admitted two of the things that had contributed, one of which was because of a misunderstanding I had and I admitted that but without feeling like some sort of huge failure or fear. I had such a sense of calm and purpose. 

I hope to carry that into more and more, I really do. I just hope it wasn’t because I'm as literally too tired to stress. Although, I’m not sure that I’ve ever been so tired that I haven’t had the energy to stress or worry before. I don’t think that’s a thing. 

In this moment, I am resentful of myself for saying that I was going to write a story every day. I did think that I was going to give myself one day off each week from story writing because 31 stories felt like too much or too stressful or that there would be a day I didn’t have the time or energy for it. 

The thing is, now that I’ve been at it for a little bit, I feel compelled to keep going and frustrated in my lack of creative flow, I feel like “taking a break” at this point could set me back from the habits I’m trying to build, it feels like I’d be letting myself down from a goal, and more and more I believe that it’s the moment when you most don’t want to do something that you absolutely should do it. I didn’t want to exercise earlier but I did anyway and it was good. 

And I don't want to negotiate with myself. I want to set a goal and stick with it because I’ve decided to do it. Once you’ve decided to do something negoatiting isn't an option on the table any more, that’s the point. 

I guess my point is that I’m going to have to go write a story. 

 

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Kate

July 2017

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